Musings On Marvel: Day 9 (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

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Directors: Russo Brothers (Captain America: Civil War, Arrested Development pilot, Community pilot)

Budget: $170million

Box Office: $714million

  • Why does Captain America need to jog? Isn’t his strength and fitness derived from the serum so he doesn’t need to exercise at all. Unless he’s just bored, in which case, go fight bad guys or something.
  • Wait, he’s got “Thai food” on the list of things to research? Dude, just go eat Thai Food. Done.
  • And Sean Connery? Not a list of films he’s in, or anything like that. Just Sean Connery in general?
  • The Captain America plan to getting into a building:
    1. Stealthy stealthy stealthy
    2. Flippy flippy flippy
    3. Loud noise! Throw shield into room so everyone knows you’re there.
  • Isn’t Captain super strong etc? I mean, he went toe to toe with Iron Man in Avengers, now a regular bearded dude troubles him?
  • “last time I trusted someone I lost an eye”, I know, people always say “I’ll tap your head a second before” but they never do.
  • “agent Romanov is comfortable with everything”, so that’s why you make her wear that skintight costume.
  • Fury gives a detailed nostalgic history of himself, he’s going to get shot.
  • “greatest generation, you guys did some nasty stuff” “for freedom!”. Random fact: the Nazi party got their influence for their eugenics programme from a programme in California. U S A! U S A! U S A!
  • Why does his friend have his own exhibit at the museum? There’s nothing about Churchill’s bff at the war museum.
  • How did he find out where she lived?
  • “I thought I could throw myself back in, serve in the army again”. You barely served in the Army. You spent most of your time doing theatre.
  • “you saved the world”. I mean, yeah, it’s a shame that Captain America doesn’t exist in real life so Germany won the war and the world has been destroyed. That sucked when the world was destroyed. I hadn’t even finished paying off my sofa.
  • Why holograms? Why not just skype? This is literally just technological dick measuring. And just as messy.
  • This film continues the MCU tradition of hoping that merely mentioning the other Marvel characters will stop us wondering why they never turn up to help each other.
  • “he has to socialise”. You want Iron Man to socialise at a kids birthday party? He’ll probably try to fuck the mother and get the kid drunk.
  • Holograms on the car window now? That’s not just pointless, that’s also highly distracting and possibly illegal.
  • I would question how they think they could stage a police attack then remembered that Nick Fury is black so they’d just need to say he littered so they had to shoot him.
  • “to build a better world we need to destroy the old one”. Wow, I wonder if this guy’s evil.
  • This fight would be over in about 5 seconds if they used the paralysing technology from Iron Man 1.
  • F*ck off can he fall that far and be okay. Super soldier or not, he still has to obey the laws of physics.
  • “he refused to share information” so you kill him? Surely one of the people working there realises that’s unfair justice.
  • “two dozen assassinations in over 50 years” That’s really not many at all. That’s like one every two years. That’s nowhere near enough to have that big a file. I mean, if I get a few more I’ve beaten that record.
  • Oh please. As if Captain America knows about function overrides on computers.
  • “if you guys need anything. I’ve been Aaron” so who are you now?
  • He didn’t eject it properly! That flash drive is going to crash.
  • That just says which buttons are pressed. Not in which order.
  • Wait, he’s seen War Games but not Star Wars or any of the Rocky albums?
  • Wait, so THIS is the guy they decide to save his brain? He’s quite useless.
  • “if you try to take freedom, they resist”. Really?  No shit.
  • How did they get such high-quality footage on a green and black monitor? This would be like watching TV on an old Game Boy. Which you can’t do.
  • So the lesson is, don’t trust Swiss people?
  • So they blew that building up, and all that data, just to kill two people?
  • “seem pretty chipper for a guy who died for nothing”. Well, you know, except Nazi’s.
  • Oh, so we can’t get Iron Man or anything, but don’t worry, we’ve got the senator from Iron Man 2 in here.
  • So Falcon has never been seen in any of these films? He wasn’t called to save the president in Iron Man 3, or to save New York in Avengers?
  • Rolling out of a car at that speed would cut your skin up so you looked like a kebab.
  • For two super cool assassins, their aim sure is terrible.
  • Winter soldier destroys a strangers car. More like Winter So-D’ya Have To Be So Rude?
  • Superhero landing!
  • They keep shooting at his shield instead of his legs.
  • Surprise! Except it’s totally not a surprise. It’s really obvious so why did they leave it so long?
  • By the way, this scene should totally have an 80’s power ballad playing over it.
  • How did they decide to use this a hiding space? “We need to think of a hiding space, any idea where?” “damn” “perfect!”
  • “about damn time”. Yeah, you should have got shot earlier, damn you ScarJo.
  • Wait, I’m fairly certain Zola was on the same train that Bucky fell off, and was captured almost immediately after. So he could not have been there when he woke up. No, no, no, nothing about this makes sense at all, and horses can’t talk!.
  • Wait, first Aldrich loses his arm in a battle in Iron Man 3, then Loki chops off Thors arm in The Dark World, now Bucky last an arm too? Marvel hates arms.
  • Awesome, a scene to show a friendship we already knew existed. Great.
  • People think that Chris Evans transformation to Captain America was well done, but Sebastian Stans transformation from Bucky to the Winter Soldier is a lot better. He’s almost unrecognisable.
  • Hey it’s Abed. Hey Abed.
  • That actually makes sense, the directors for this were hired due to their work on the paintball episodes of Community. That’s the good thing about the MCU, they’ve taken risks with new directors from different genres. Doctor Strange is being directed by Scott Derrickson, who’s known mainly for horror. They’re not sticking with established directors, in fact, the most well known one they had was Kenneth Branagh. And even that was a risk.
  • “what if Pakistan invaded Mumbai and you knew they were going to drag your daughters into a soccer stadium”. Football! Not soccer. That’s probably the most evil thing he’s done.
  • They never use this disguise technology again.
  • “are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you really are?” with how tight her clothes are, we already know.
  • They fired like 8 missiles at one person. No wonder the US military spend so much with that kind of wastage.
  • Even Michael Bay thinks these explosions are “a bit much”
  • “it’s trending”. Wait, I pretty much used that exact line the year before in a film. Bastards!
  • “unless you want a hole in your sternum”. 1) that’s not where the sternum is. 2) couldn’t you have done that earlier when she was hitting people?
  • “order only comes through pain” kinky.
  • Does Captain America really need to attempt to sacrifice himself? HYDRA has been exposed,  and the missiles aren’t aimed at cities anymore so everyone’s safe. And we’ve already seen he can jump from great heights and be completely okay for some reason.
  • Captain drops his one of a kind shield out of the flying vehicle, yet somehow you know he’ll find it again.
  • “there’s nothing more horrifying than a miracle” I dunno, genocide?
  • Are supposed to be surprised Bucky is alive? I mean, we saw him walk away, this scene literally serves no purpose.

Musings On Marvel: Day Eight (Thor: The Dark World)

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Director: Alan Taylor (Terminator: Genisys)

Budget: $170million

Box Office: $644millions

  • This is the third movie to feature Thor, and the eighth in this universe, do we still need to open with narration?
  • “before there was light there was darkness” narrated over a black screen. First year film students everywhere go “woah, that’s so deep” and use it in their next shitty films about how hard it was to grow up on the mean streets of Henley On Thames.
  • Dr. Who is that?
  • “through the power of the Aether”, is that anything like the disembodied voices in the ether as featured in our award winning short film Three Words?
  • I appreciate that was the cheapest of cheap plugs, but meh.
  • This movie really wants to be Lord Of The Rings.
  • Second movie in a row where “turning your insides into fire” counts a superpower”
  • “and the aether was no more” oh great, this film’s over then? Woohoo.
  • “bury it deep, so deep that nobody can ever find it”. That’s what she said.
  • Odin is annoyed that wherever Loki goes there’s war and death, yet the introduction to both of these films have included Odin fighting wars on different planets.
  • “next time we start with the big one”, but he didn’t run up until halfway through the fight.
  • “human lives are fleeting, they’re worth nothing” wait, but weren’t you bitching at Loki for not treating humans well. In fact, the entire reason you’re imprisoning him is for attempting to rule the earth. So if humans are worth nothing, then why are you punishing him so harshly? I’m beginning to think that maybe Loki is right, and you’re kind of a dick to him.
  • If I had a choice between a badass warrior woman, and Natalie Portman, I’d go with the warrior.
  • Hey it’s Chris O’Dowd.
  • You know he’s probably seen the news about the Avengers thing in New York so he knows abut the existence of Gods and aliens etc. None of that “he went away” cryptic bullshit.
  • “Maybe you should stop saying Sea Bass”, why? It’s still better than some of her dialogue.
  • Now you’re thinking with Portals.
  • Did the pointy eared evil dude just say “Rush al dente a fanta”?
  • “the Universe hasn’t seen this marvel” well I hope it’s better than this Marvel.
  • How much time do you think he wastes watching people as they shower?
  • “they are mortal” so are you. That was the entire point of your argument with Loki earlier, that you’re not gods, you are mortal too. Damnit Odin get yo shit together.
  • “humans do not belong here any more than a goat belongs at the banquet table” That’s racist.
  • “Protector of the nine realms”. Well aren’t you doing a great job with that?
  • How on earth does the infection know what will harm her? More importantly, why does it care? Even if she comes to harm it can just go to someone else. A parasite doesn’t care if the hosts dies if there’s hundreds of other hosts nearby.
  • Wait, did she accidentally fall into something that was supposed to be well hidden and never to be found again?
  • “the Bifrost was destroyed” you still could have called, or at least visited instead of eating Shawarma
  • Couldn’t this and the opening narration be condensed into one section? Do we really need two history lessons in this movie?
  • “every five thousand years the worlds align perfectly, during this time the borders become blurred, it’s possible you found one of these points”. No it’s not, as it’s been talked about as a future event even after she “fell”.
  • “don’t let him hear you say that” how on earth did she hear that from all the way over there? He was doing his low-volume sexy voice too.
  • So they don’t check these people for explosives? Have they not seen The Dark Knight?
  • Everybody swings axes yet nobody gets decapitated.
  • “I need you to do everything I ask, no questions”, yet when I tell women that I get called a pervert and to get off the bus.
  • That ship is invisible right up until the point where somebody touches it? Well that’s pointless.
  • Why are all these ships now visible? Is it just so we can see them get shot down?
  • Why didn’t he raise this shield in the first place?
  • That ship actually dropped it’s trajectory just so it could crash into the forcefield. Whoever is piloting it doesn’t deserve to live.
  • Ship crashes through a shitload of columns, building remains standing. Magic!
  • So the colour of all weapons in the first phase was blue, this seems to be red.
  • It’s amazing the amount of aliens who look just like humans but with prosthetics.
  • Was there something cut out there? Her being captured etc didn’t really work visually.
  • “where is the aether?” I thought you could sense it.
  • Even if it was invisible the ships can still be attacked, we saw this earlier.
  • “we are all but defenceless” you could probably try giving Hulk, Iron Man etc a call. Have you even tried that?
  • Didn’t they already see this in the news earlier?
  • Thor is told not to go somewhere and fight someone by Odin who orders the Bifrost closed. Thor does it anyway. Isn’t this exactly what led to him being banished in the first movie?
  • Loki gets slapped by Jane and his response is “I like her”. Well, whatever turns you on.
  • Movie just rubs it in our face that the rest of the avengers aren’t in this movie.
  • Loki is definitely the best part of these movies.
  • Turns out to fix anything you just need to hit it hard. Reminds me, I must get my cats fixed.
  • Why was that guy laughing at being attacked and buried under strange men?
  • “I wish I could trust you”, movie gets closer to Brokeback Mountain than it probably intends to.
  • Ian would be a lot better if played by guy who played Rory in Doctor Who. He’s practically the same character anyway.
  • A woman is levitated and put into a christ-like pose in mid-air. Holy Harry Potter Batman.
  • Pfft, like they’d really kill Loki.
  • A giant spaceship with a glowing red light appears and destroys a small part of Greenwich University. Still less destructive than the Conservative party.
  • “your universe and your family will be extinguished” You couldn’t say “exterminated” could you? Just for the giggles.
  • “I thought you’d hit harder”. Me too. Supposed to be an all-powerful being yet all he can do is knock someone over slightly.
  • Thor is sexually harassed by a woman on the tube. This is apparently funny. Plus, no trains go straight from Charring Cross to Greenwich,
  • Wait, so Loki killed Odin? So the film killed Anthony Hopkins off-screen? Isn’t that illegal? And I know what people will say when I say this “oh, but you have to wait until the next movie”. Bullshit, if you include the MCU as all containing one narrative as the studio wants you to, then there’s been four (hah, Thor) movies since this one, and none of them have mentioned it. There’s another four (hah, Thor) movies until the next Thor one. So that’s eight movies you have to wait to find something out. Now if you include only the Thor ones, then that’s from 2013 to 2017, which is a four year wait for one plot point. I mean, yeah it’s a kind of ok plot twist, but it makes no sense once you think about it for more than thirty seconds.

Musings On Marvel: Day Seven (Iron Man 3)

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Director: Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Lethal Weapon 2)

Budget: $200million

Box Office: $1.215billion

  • Even in 1999 that hairstyle wasn’t good. Do film-makers not remember the 90’s? They should do, they were there. Ok, most of them were on cocaine at the time but still.
  • This song was released in January 1999 and annoyed people immensely by February 1999. So by December 31st I imagine just hearing it would be enough to make people want to go self harm.
  • Hey, it’s the guy from the cave in the first movie. Well played Mr. Director.
  • “The old days, never thought they’d come back to bite me”. Really? Wasn’t that the entire point of the second movie?
  • Tony Stark needs rockets even to dress himself, but wasn’t the thing in the Avengers movie that assembled itself in mid air as he was falling from a building  good enough?
  • Obvious CGI is obvious. Seriously hollywood, either actually knock Robert Downey Jr. with a piece of metal that makes him flip, or do the CGI well enough that we don’t notice.
  • “Some people call me a terrorist”, some call him the gangster of love.
  • “I consider myself a teacher”, wow, and I thought my teachers were strict.
  • Were these videos released on their own for promotion? They so should have.
  • That thing he mentioned about America attacking a defenceless tribe? That really happened. In response the American government set up a treaty which gave the Indians free reign of the land to the south of the Arkansas River and promised them cash and more land in the future. Less than two years later the American government ripped up this treaty and ignored it. Seriously, America, what the holy f*ck?
  • Soldiers wouldn’t really have their family with them in such a volatile area, to stop things like this happening.
  • Hey, it’s Iron Captain America.
  • “How did you get out of the wormhole?” He fell, dumbass.
  • See, this I like. The continuation of the character, he would be haunted by what happened in Avengers. Shame they didn’t take it further, this would have been a great way to introduce the characters alcoholism, which is really not been dealt with in the movies, ok, they’ve shown him drinking, but they haven’t shown him struggling with the addiction. I suppose it’s because the world doesn’t want flawed heroes, they want “flawed” heroes, which means they’re rich, sexy and smart, but they occasionally fall over.
  • No way would the photo he took be clear enough to recognise that number plate.
  • Discount Hitman gives something to Discount Ethan Hawke.
  • Shane Black sets a lot of movies at Christmas and nearly all of them are violent. He must be harbouring violent tendencies towards the season for some reason. Did he catch daddy kissing santa claus?
  • “This is just good old fashioned revenge”. Is Tony Stark basically cutting a wrestling promo here?
  • So Tony Stark, international weapons manufacturer and superhero, his entire security consists of “a front door”.
  • Iron Man eats gluten free waffles. On its own there’s nothing wrong with that, but considering he drank chlorophyll in the second movie to help cure him makes me assume he’s just doing it as a fad diet.
  • Where are the rest of the Avengers? I mean, Tony Starks house is being attacked and Nick Fury is just sitting about eating cheese by the block.
  • Wilhelm!
  • Wow, the guy at the start who was wronged turned out to be the bad guy, what a massive surprise.
  • A kid gives Tony Stark anxiety attacks, they have the same effect on me.
  • Let’s say Tony Stark is ridonkulously, like, David Beckham famous in this universe. Would putting on a baseball cap mean that nobody recognises him?
  • This woman is an idiot, unless she kills absolutely everybody, she’s going to leave witnesses so the top secret weapon will no longer be top secret.
  • So the heat thingy can melt handcuffs but doesn’t damage clothes? Clearly they get their clothes from the same place as The Hulk.
  • Wait, did Tony hand a weapon to a child? And yet I’m not trusted with a crossbow.
  • This is kid is annoying, manipulative and strange. Basically, he’s a very well written child character.
  • “we can’t allow terrorists to dictate what we do”, yeah, imagine having an open dialogue with people where you talk and work your way through to a sensible compromise, the horror!
  • “last time I went missing you came looking for me” No, you’re thinking of Terrence Howard, this is Don Cheadle.
  • Tattoo of Tony Stark’s face on his arm, because that’s not creepy. Actually that’s an odd subplot that they’ve never really gone into, the cult of celebrity and how it would get in the way of them doing their job. Basically, the superheroes would need a PR team.
  • Two female characters talking about science. Holy crapy a Marvel film beats the Bechdel test.
  • Literally all he did was enter the building. That’s not exactly “saving the day”, it makes no difference.
  • Explosive Christmas tree decoration. Why does Shane Black hate Christmas? Did he want a white Christmas when he was a kid and all he got was a black one?
  • See, a lot of people hate this twist but I like it. It would be quite hard to do this character and have it not be ever so mildly racist. Plus let’s face it, NOBODY saw this coming, but it makes sense. The idea is logical, and fits into the themes of modern vilains.
  • Did that guy need to put his hand on Tony Starks chest just then? Seemed a little lovey.
  • Wait, so they’re surprised the drug addict, to whom they’re giving drugs, isn’t behving responsibly?
  • Ben Kingsley did this well, but you know who would have done a lot better? Either Peter Cook or Dudley Moore
  • 1200cc. That’s about 1.2 litres, there’s no way there was that much in that tiny syringe.
  • “you’re ziptied to a bed”, we’ve all been there.
  • He breathes fire, does he ever do this again?
  • “honestly, I hate working here, they are so weird”. That is almost exactly what I’d be like if I was a henchman.
  • This football match actually happened in May. And yet they expect us to take this movie seriously. Honestly, what’s next? Pretending something that happened on a Thursday actually happened on a Wednesday?
  • No way would a real Englishman drink Budweiser.
  • Oh, so the evil looking guy from Hot Shots: Part Deux is actually organising it. What a surprise.
  • Wouldn’t Air Force One have bulletproof windows?
  • The president has been kidnapped, and yet still no Captain America.
  • They just descended 8,000 feet in about three seconds, surely that’s not possible?
  • “chunky monkey, let’s get her”. Great, so not only did she nearly die, she also got called fat.
  • “they’ve got him strung up over the oil tankers, they’re going to light him up”, so the plan is; tie him up, light him up, inhale, exhale?
  • I’ve figured out why these blogs get progressively worse the longer they go on. The movies are way too f*cking long so by the final third I’ve kind of stopped paying attention.
  • Wait, did Gwyneth Paltrow just save the day? F*ck this movie.
  • Tony Stark throws his chestplate into the river, I assume he no longer gives a damn about being environmentally friendly.
  • Wait, this music isn’t AC/DC
  • Post credits scene with Incredible Hulk seems like a poor excuse for having constant narration throughout it.
  • Banner fell asleep during that story. Understandable, I nearly did too.
  • Wait, since when was he a trained therapist? And shouldn’t S.H.I.E.L.D have someone who’s entire job it is to be a post-traumatic stress councillor for heroes etc? Someone like Idris Elba, his calm soothing voice will make you think everything’s okay.

Musings On Marvel Day Six: Avengers Assemble

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Director: Joss Whedon ((Much Ado About Nothing, two episodes of The Office (U.S))

Budget: $220million

Box Office: $1.5billion

  • Why’s the helicopter following a roadway?
  • Coulson wears sunglasses at night.
  • Nick Fury doesn’t say “That makes me Fury-us” during this whole film.
  • Cobie Smulders is actually kind of weak in this, her first lines are delivered like when an actor gives deliberately bad performance to show how bad their character is at acting.
  • “A door can be opened two ways” Science!
  • That’s not a spear, that’s a, well I’m not sure if it’s actually got a name, so I’ll just call it the Loki Pokey stick.
  • See, Loki Pokey.
  • “I am Loki, of Asgard”, ah, so not Loki from New Jersey then?
  • “I come with glad tidings”, I come with external stimuli, using a vagina or a mouth or a hand. General feelings of happiness don’t tend to do anything for me.
  • “What do we do?” *dramatic pause*. Yeah, that’s fine for the film and everything, but is pissing annoying for the other person who’s just waiting to be told what to do.
  • Wow, Edward Norton looks a lot different.
  • “what does he want me to do, swallow it?” Good people always swallow.
  • Did 9/11 happen in the MCU? It’s never referenced, not even in passing. And don’t give me that “but why would they mention it?” BS, it’s America, they always mention it, it’s been mentioned almost daily for the past week alone, so you think with all the constant attacks at least one person would say something like “this kind of damage has not been seen since 9/11”. And can you imagine Captain America being told about 9/11? Holy crap that scene would have been fantastic in terms of emotion.
  • So he’s in Germany, yet he’s delivering this speech in English?
  • “Isn’t being on your knees your natural state?” Let’s not get into my sexual proclivities right now.
  • This old guy is the most heroic character in the entire series. He is basically an average guy being the first in line to stand up to a vicious dictator with obvious superpowers. In a world with superpowers he has nothing but still stands up just because he knows it’s right. He risked his life just for his principles, and he did it on his own. That guy, is freaking awesome.
  • Obvious nazi parralels but nobody says “that makes me Führerious”
  • “there’s only one God, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that”, true, I prefer black t-shirt and jeans.
  • Ok there’s about a minute between Thor jumping out and Captain America parachuting up and jumping out, in a moving plane. There is no way Captain America would land anywhere near them.
  • Thor throws a magical hammer at Iron Man, potentially killing him.
  • Thor can charge up Iron Man’s suit, this is never referenced again at any point.
  • Thor basically tries to smash Iron Man’s face with a hammer, even if was just a regular hammer that would have killed him if it connected.
  • Thor then launches himself at Captain America to hit him with the hammer, in a move that surely would have killed him if it connected with a normal human being, which for all he knew, the Captain was. Basically, Thor is a psychopath who attempts to kill people for no reason what so ever in this film. One of many reasons I hate the character.
  • Wow, it sure sucks we have to wait until Civil War to see these guys fighting, you know, the guys who are currently fighting right now.
  • So “flying monkeys” Thor doesn’t understand, yet he mentioned nothing when “Galaga” or “Point Break” were mentioned?
  • “It’s not just power Loki wants, he wants vengeance”, so he’s, an Avenger?
  • “your ledger is gushing red”, yeah that happens like once a month once you pass puberty.
  • This is probably the only film that’s earned over a billion which has the line “mewling quim” in it.
  • Loki could totally play SuperLee in a movie.
  • “everything special about you came out of a bottle”. Yeah, developed by some idiot named Howard Sta—yeah nevermind.
  • Wait, one arrow did that?
  • So the world knows that Thor is a God? And this has had no impact on religion in the world? Not one member of the clergy, or even the Pope has mentioned the definitive existence of a God that walked among us? There’s been no resurgence in people believing in the Norse Gods? A God walked among the world and it changed absolutely nothing. I’m not buying it.
  • This should be much better shot. If this was done well then this moment of Black Widow silently walking around to avoid The Hulk could have been like Alien: Isolation. It could have been a huge dramatic set piece. As it is it’s just a scene that almost everyone will forget about.
  • Captain America there talking on the device in his ear. Which if you were paying attention to the previous scene you’ll know is either invisible or doesn’t exist. Is he going through a mental breakdown? What if the Captain America movie was just the insane thoughts of a madman who grew up reading Captain America comics and then had a nervous breakdown?
  • “so that’s what it does”, yup, pretty much the same as every other weapon, fires and knocks people backwards.
  • It’s well known that you can stop brainwashing by hitting somebody in the head really hard. Can’t imagine that defence standing up in court.
  • Does Stark not have any security cameras that picked up the strangers building something on his balcony?
  • Loki’s so nice. He waits for Tony Stark to land, take his armour off, and monologue before attempting to attack them.
  • “and you’ve got the glow stick of destiny”. It’s name is the Loki Pokey stick!
  • “what have I got to fear?” “The Avengers”, hey, that’s the title of the movie! (In America anyway)
  • I think we’re getting into the final battle now, and there’s 40 minutes left. Don’t worry, I’m sure every single moment of the following action sequence is necessary and none of it could be cut all.
  • The fact they also put “Avengers Assemble” (the UK title) into this film makes me wonder if this film was called “Mewling Quims” in Indonesia and that’s why that line was in there.
  • Ok this is a beautiful tracking shot.
  • “I put in a failsafe, the sceptre”, you couldn’t just put an on/off switch in?
  • “Detonation in two minutes thirty seconds, Mark”. Wait, no, this is Lee. Mark’s the other guy.
  • See, even the news doesn’t mention 9/11. It’s an attack, in New York, the news would definitely make a 9/11 reference.
  • So Tony Stark falls straight down, in zero gravity.
  • “and then there was like pew pew”, still more intelligent than how Daily Mail would report it.
  • Wait, can Captain America legally drive? Wouldn’t his license have expired?
  • And that’s phase one complete. Comment, like, share, bitch about how we’re wrong, whatever 🙂
  • Wait, what the f*ck is this song? It’s like “generic rock song #16”

Musings On Marvel Day 5: Captain America: The First Avenger

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Director: Joe Johnston (Honey I Shrunk The Kids, Jumanji)

Budget: $140million

Box Office: $370million

  • This entire movie is basically a prequel for Avengers.
  • You know who could have played this role just as well as Hugo Weaving? Raul Julia. If it wasn’t for him dying in 1994.
  • “and the Fuhrer digs for trinkets in the desert” Personally? I’d have thought he would be busy with nazi stuff like killing, being racist, and making tea by putting milk in first.
  • “even Little Timmy is doing his part”, I hate little Timmy
  • Yeah, I know I mock films, but I generally don’t do it whilst the film is playing in the cinema, and I definitely don’t do it to newsreel footage of soldiers fighting nazis. “boo, stop killing one of the most evil dictatorships of this century and get back to playing Yankee Doodle Dandy”
  • Side note: a film called “Yankee Doodle Dandy” not only exists but has an oscar to its name? Wow.
  • “just start the cartoon?” Wait, this is about a cartoon? And about 50 years before pixar? So he was this excited about seeing f*cking Bambi?
  • Wait, so nobody else decided to stop this asshole from mocking the army?
  • Guy introduces himself by using his own full name. I, [insert name here] Jr., think that’s ridiculous.
  • Damn this film is beautifully shot. It’s just wonderful, even a still shot makes it seem like it’s from the 1940s.
  • “there are already so many big men fighting this war, maybe what we need now is a little guy”. So you inject a small guy with super serum to make him a big guy? If you really want a small guy, call Ant-Man, not Paul Rudd, Hank Pym, was he around this time? I dunno, I can’t remember the timeline.
  • “Dr. Zola”, see, I don’t like that name as it just reminds me of the old Chelsea footballer so is too hard to take seriously. It would be like if in 10 years there was an evil guy in a film called Dr. Beckham or Dr. Rooney.
  • “what’s with the accent Queen Victoria? I thought i was signing up for the US Army”, says an english actor with a terrible American accent.
  • Stupidest criteria ever. Why pick the guy who needlessly kills himself at the first opportunity by jumping on a grenade that wouldn’t hurt anybody else because they had done the sensible thing and run away? This would be like stopping someone getting hit by a car by jumping in front of a car, whilst the car was in no danger of hitting anybody.
  • “he’s still skinny”, yeah but you’re going to inject him with totally-not-steroids anyway so what does it matter.
  • “he and Hitler share a passion for the occult”, wait, what’s evil about liking diary products?
  • Oh wait, that’s Yakult.
  • “good becomes better, bad becomes worst”, so in this universe it’s not only hammers who make judgement calls, it’s also serums. I said yesterday how it would suck to have Hitler with a hammer, but this film is set in the 1940’s, so that’s a genuine concern in this.
  • Guy shares heartbreaking back story, he’s definitely going to die.
  • “I got beat up in that alleyway, and behind that diner, and in that park”, then maybe the problem is you.
  • “somebody get that kid a sandwich”, someone get me a sandwich
  • See, told you he’d die.
  • So he just walked out of that crash completely fine? Bullshit.
  • Two moments with shields in the first hour? F*ck you movie.
  • You know he’s evil because he throws a kid in the water. Only way they could make him more blatantly evil is if he did a nazi salute. Which in this film is an actual possibility.
  • “cut off one head, two more will take it’s place” then why is your slogan one head with many tentacles? You’ve got that backwards. Your logo is bad and you should feel bad.
  • “you think this is about appearances?” Yeah, do you think Hitler’s racist or something?
  • Wait, this war was funded by kids buying comics? Dark.
  • “who’ll kick the Krauts to Japan”. There’s so much wrong with that sentence.
  • Dane Cook auditioned for the lead in this film. As did two of the Jonas brothers. Oh thank god they didn’t get it.
  • That shield is way too bright to make it a viable option for sneaking in.
  • Wait, there’s like zero guards there?
  • “Yeah, I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over 200 times”. He does know that wasn’t the real Hitler, right?
  • Oh, so THAT’S why he’s called Red Skull. Because he has a red skull.
  • We’re only an hour into this movie, so does anybody really buy that they killed the main character?
  • “captain Rogers”, wait, they made him an actual captain? I though that was a fake name bestowed upon him like Private Stash or Major Gunns.
  • “I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action” ooo sexy.
  • This is a waste of Natalie Dormer.
  • Still not as wasted as Idris was in Thor though.
  • “you still don’t understand women” of course he doesn’t, he’s from the 1940’s. If this was period accurate he’d consider “punching in the stomach” an acceptable pregnancy prevention.
  • So after 80 minutes we finally get Captain America, and then only in montage.
  • His name is Zola, he lives on the second floor.
  • Still a better train journey than southeastern.
  • Random fact: Sesame Street was banned in Mississippi because it showed black children and white children living together in harmony. This was in the 1970’s, AFTER they supposedly fought a war to stop racism. I know this has nothing to do with this film, I just think more people should know this, fuck Mississippi, you backwards racist bastards.
  • Considering that the guy was likely to be German, that could almost be a literal Wilhelm Scream.
  • Why did they trust Captain America again? Yeah he’s strong and brave, but he hasn’t had any actual military training in terms of preparation and planning.
  • Red Skull literally just stood there for 20 seconds, he had plentiful time to shoot people as they were coming in.
  • Side note: soldiers crashing through the window, this is why bond villains have underground lairs.
  • Oh thank god only nameless people have died, they totally don’t have family back home waiting for them so we shouldn’t feel sad or mourn them, or even talk about them ever again. No, the true sad thing is that his friend went missing.
  • Captain America attempts to kiss Agent Carter in the tunnel, brave move for a first option.
  • It’s lucky soldiers can only shoot what’s directly in front of them so that nobody shot Captain as he was running beside them.
  • Yeah, just stand up in the car that’s teetering over the edge, don’t attempt to climb out or anything.
  • Wait, he labels his missiles? Huge giveaway.
  • Captain finds a bunch of missiles with names of major cities written on them, but only reacts to the one that says “New York”. Because who gives a shit about Chicago or Boston, right? Not as though people live there.
  • “i have seen the future, there are no flags”, then what do people wave at Donald Trump rally’s?
  • Wait, so Thor, Odin, none of the Asgardians etc, noticed this HUGE display of energy? They’re not gods, they’re idiots.
  • So they happened to pick one of the few baseball games he was actually at? Could they have not done the simple thing and just, I don’t know, picked another game. One that happened after Captain was frozen. I think they still had baseball games after 1945 but I’m not certain, I haven’t checked.
  • I love these closing credits, so artfully done.

Musings On Marvel: Day Thor

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Director: Kenneth Branagh (Henry V, As You Like It)

Budget: $150million

Box Office: $449million

  • This is one of two I was looking forward to the least. (The other was Thor 2)
  • Giant weird lightning tornado, yup, driving into it seems like a smart thing to do.
  • “Where did he come from?” where did he go? Where did he come from, cotton eye joe.
  • Wait, that battle only occurred in the 900’s, yet we have no record of it? We have records of the Roman Empire, Genghis Khan, and Madonna’s birth certificate,  all of which are from before then. It’s not as though we were all walking around shovelling faecal matter into our faces until the 1500’s. This is one of MANY reasons I hated After Earth. That film showed a bunch of massive evolutionary changes that apparently happened within a 1000 years. Seriously, America? I know you have trouble with evolution and that but still. Oh, and don’t be like “stop being anti-America and hating for no reason, thinking we’re stupid”, you have a lot of schools that don’t teach evolution, and it took forever for a film about Charles Darwin to get released over there because, for some reason, evolution is still a controversial subject over there. You have too many politicians who are, to put it kindly, f*cking morons. And yes, I know this isn’t the best time to be discussing this, but I’d much rather suffer the wrath and ire of creationists than pay this piece of shit film any more attention than it deserves.
  • Wow, they must have the best future technology, they don’t even need to build their houses out of bricks they just use CGI.
  • “When I’m King”, Thor there, pretty much quoting the kids TV show Horrid Henry there.
  • Shut up, I have a niece, so I have to watch kids tv sometimes. Even if it’s awful, very very awful.
  • What time does the lead from this film wake up? Thor thirty.
  • “its power has no equal”, except Captain America’s Shield.
  • “do you swear” fuck yes I do.
  • “But you’re not King!” all that was missing from that was “neh neh neh neh”
  • I like how Loki steals that scene despite not saying a single word just by pulling a “Jim from The Office” face.
  • “What’s this?” What’s this? There’s something in the air.
  • This film has Idris Elba and Anthony Hopkins. This film doesn’t deserve them.
  • “you’re nothing but a boy trying to prove himself a man” ok that’s a pretty good line.
  • Ouch, that looks painful, gonna be thor in the morning.
  • Wait, so Thor flew through a big guy, tearing a hole in them, and yet didn’t get any blood on him?
  • Apparently a lot of Anthony Hopkins dialogue in this scene was improvised by him. More reason why Anthony Hopkins is awesome.
  • How does the hammer decide who is worthy? Hammers are notoriously bad decision makers. Plus it could be a nazi and we end up with it going back in time to get picked up by Hitler. Can you imagine Hitler with Thors Hammer?
  • Note to self: write a story about various historical assholes getting superpowers. SpiderStalin, The Incredible Cromwell, The Iron Lady.
  • The lead from this film is awful at birthday present, but it’s the Thor’t that counts.
  • So it’s taken half an hour for us to get to the beginning? Yay.
  • “we can tell you’re hammered”. HAH! Get it, because his weapon of choice is a hammer. That’s sooooooo fucking funny and not at all “comic relief dialogue which just seems a bit stupid really, and is better suited to online commenters and bloggers than actually being a line in the script which expects us to take this seriously”.
  • “she hit him with her car” “yeah but she tasered him” “yes I did”. Why are the police not questioning these two? At the very least you’ve got dangerous driving, then assault with a weapon.
  • Guy tries to pick up giant hammer that’s encased in a big rock and then looks confused when he can’t pick it up.
  • This towns name translates to “ancient bridge”. Either it’s a massive coincidence that this is where the bridge turns out. Or the people who named it somehow knew about the Asgardians and the war they fought on another continent of which there’s no documentation that survives today.
  • People are queuing up to attempt to lift up a hammer? This town seems boring as shit.
  • Wait, did Laufey never realise his child was missing? Okay it was hinted that he knew, but surely he would have told everyone else, you know, during the battle. “oh, and that guy there, that’s my son” and cause dissension and fighting among the ranks of the soldiers of Asgard. Plus wouldn’t this revelation have made sense earlier? Or at least in flashback, as it provides Loki’s motivation after he’s already turned heel.
  • “How can you eat an entire box of pop tarts and still be hungry?” I manage it, and I’m barely a Norse God, although I do have a pretty impressive hammer.
  • “you missed all the excitement down at the crater”, Yeah, people attempting to pick up a hammer, such a shame he missed that.
  • And wait, they’re referring to it as a “satellite”, nobody ever uses the phrase “hammer shaped”? Even if they don’t know it’s a hammer, they would still use that phrase when describing it.
  • This town has a furniture company called “OK furniture”, doesn’t inspire confidence in the stuff they sell.
  • What is it with people in these movies sitting on rooftops?
  • That’s waaaaaay too many puppies for a pet shop in such a tiny town.
  • More jokes about Thor using antiquated language. But here’s the problem, he’s using relatively new language compared to when they left earth. Here’s an excerpt from The Canterbury Tales: “In Flaundres whilom was a compaignye, Of yonge folk that haunteden folye”. That was written in the 1390’s, so over 200 years AFTER they left to go home. Language was very different back then and it’s next to impossible  language here and language on a different planet would evolve and change in such similar ways.
  • This government secret site has poor security.
  • Hey it’s Hawkeye, being slightly less effective than he is in future films.
  • Chris Hemsworth mudwrestling, he’s still got his shirt on thought so keep your pants on, ladies.
  • “I’m starting to root for this guy”, what, because he beat people up? Damnit Hawkeye you’re easy to win over, no wonder it was so simple for Loki to brainwash you, he probably didn’t even need to do magic he just needed to lift a heavy thing and punch a stranger in the neck.
  • Thor’s brother is very good at being invisible, in fact you could say he’s good at keeping it low-key.
  • Low-key, loki, get it?
  • Don’t worry I’m sick of these puns too. I’m nearly thirty years old and I’m sitting here making terrible puns whilst watching a film. What am I doing with my life?
  • “I come from a place where magic and science are one and the same thing”. 1) This was handled MUCH better in Artemis Fowl. Actually, Eoin Colfer writing Thor would be f*cking incredible. 2) They actually haven’t shown that much scientific advancement really. I mean, they have a few things but they’re lacking even more.
  • “Do not mistake my appetite for apathy” That’s on my coat of arms.
  • “It’s Xena, Robin Hood, and Jackie Chan”. Soooooo mildly racist.
  • I think we’re supposed to think that Loki is a bad guy here, but Idris Elba was swinging a sword at him and aiming to kill him. The fact that all Loki did was freeze him and not kill him kinda of makes him a hero, surely?
  • For something called “The Destroyer” it’s really weird that he’s only a threat for like 10 minutes of a near two hour film.
  • I wish there was more focus on Sif, there’s a definite lack of strong female characters in these films and I’d rather they focused on her and not Natalie Portman.
  • How come whenever Thor flies through the air he lands and his hair is always immaculate? He’s traveling at hundreds of miles per hour with no wind resistence, his hair would be everywhere and they’d be dead insects all over his face.
  • So Loki put the gatekeeper in ice and just left him there? He could have at least moved him, put him away in a cupboard or something.
  • Yeah the rainbow bridge looks impressive, you know what looks better? Rainbow Road
  • Thank god that’s over. Oh wait, the end credits scene.
  • Don’t people get a blue gaze in their eyes when Loki controls them? Yet he doesn’t.
  • Post-credit scene sets up Avengers movie, almost completely forgetting they still have a Captain America film to do.

Musings On Marvel: Day 3 (Iron Man 2)

On By troubledproductionsIn Musings On MarvelLeave a comment

Director: Jon Favreau (Chef, The Jungle Book)

Budget: $200 million

Box Office: $623.9 million

  • Ok let’s see what exciting new property Marvel use for their third movie. Wait, a sequel? Lazy.
  • Surely you’d have realised that if you read the title of this article?
  • Shut up.
  • This press conference is different from how it was in the first film.
  • Wait, the news cuts away to reaction shots during a live press conference? Bit of a stupid move.
  • Mickey Rourke (not Tim Robbins as I first thought when I first saw this film), looks older than his dad.
  • Yeah, it’s impressive that Iron Man is jumping from a plane to launch himself into the conference, but you know what’s better? The queen parachuting with James Bond.
  • To quote Deadpool: “Woo! Superhero landing! You know that’s really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.”
  • “Nobody can go toe to toe with me on my best day”. On average days, I can be bested by a sloth, but on my best days…..
  • “It’s not about us, it’s about legacy”. Oh crap, that’s not another really obscure superhero that’s going to appear is it?
  • Oh, it’s not?
  • Shame.
  • Shame!
  • Tony Stark arguing with the government. Makes the superhero registration act a bit difficult to figure out.
  • Seriously? The weapons expert is called “Hammer”? Subtle.
  • Anthony? His name is Anthony?
  • Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd.
  • Hey Rhodes, you look different.
  • A lot of people taking photos. They’re probably surprised a black guys got a speaking role too.
  • Apparently Al Pacino was going to play the role of Justin Hammer. As much as I like Rockwell, f*cking Pacino!
  • The news network misspelt “Capitol” in title of their video. Yay journalism
  • And now we have the most annoying thing about this film: Tony Stark drinking a chlorophyll based drink to counteract heavy-metal poisoning. That wouldn’t work. At all. I know some of these films are lacking scientific accuracy but that’s normally because they contain future technology. This is just pure bullshit. It would be like saying that cling film can stop HIV or dipping your cock into boiling water stops genital warts.
  • I’m fairly certain he can’t just walk into a Formula 1 circuit and decide to drive in a race on the day. If that is possible, Donald Trump would have done it by now, and he’d had died in a flaming wreck of hot justice.
  • Note to self: a film about two cops who go under cover as strippers: Hot Justice.
  • Random fact: Tony Stark was meant to be driving a car that was yellow and red in this scene, you know, the Iron Man colours. Robert Downey Jr. changed it.
  • “Hey, there’s a crazy guy chopping up cars in the middle of this race, think we should stop?” Do you see the chequered flag? No, then the race is still going. Continue!
  • So he just stood there whilst Tony was suiting up? That’s polite of him. See, he ay be a Russian bastard, but he’s got manners.
  • Random fact: everytime the word “Russian” was said in this film it was muted in the Chinese version.
  • This film was much better in cinema. Mainly because I got cake during it.
  • “There will be blood in the water, and the sharks will come”. Sharks have the weirdest sexual fetishes.
  • “i was at a hearing where he insisted those suits can’t be made by anyone else, yet here we are”. Not all suits are the same. That’s like saying “I was told that nobody else had this machine gun, and yet there’s a guy with a pistol”
  • Do you not think it would have been a good idea for them to tell this EXTREMELY DANGEROUS person what the plan was instead of surprising him and putting a hood over his head?
  • “His continual erratic behaviour”. Yeah, like getting attacked, what a bastard, how dare he.
  • That’s actually a picture of Mickey Rourke getting arrested.
  • And thus begins a long tradition in Marvel films of “friends fighting friends in an action scene that has no narrative purpose and is all but forgotten about later and is just an excuse for a poorly designed action scene”. See also: the Thor/Captain America/Iron Man threeway in Avengers, Hulk going grrr in Age In Ultron. So the idea of Civil War being “OMG, these guys are going to fight” is like “and? Big f*cking whoop, they’ve already done that”.
  • “I’m going to have to ask you to exit the donut”. I get told that like every day.
  • Samuel L Jackson there expertly playing the role of Samuel L Jackson.
  • “why are drones better?” You call yourself a weapons manufacturer? You f*cking idiot, drones are cheaper as you don’t need to pay people to be in them so there’s a lower staff turnover as less of them die. It also means you can go to warzones without risking troops. And it’s harder to deliver a plane full of people in place than send drones over so the enemy has less time to prepare. For a weapons manufacturer, he knows next to nothing about his own industry.
  • “then you can solve the riddle of your heart”. That sounds like a line from an 80’s power ballad.
  • Turn around, bright eyes.
  • Every now and then I fall apart.
  • And you need you more tonight.
  • And I need you more than ever.
  • And if you only hold me tight.
  • We’ll be holding on forever.
  • I’ll stop now.
  • “this is my Eiffel Tower” so something that most people will hate and won’t appreciate until decades later?
  • “what is, and will always be my greatest creation is you”. Awwww so nice, shame you put it on a video that he may never see. This is like telling somebody you love them by putting a note in a random book in a library.
  • How on earth did that not cut through the wires holding the thing up as well? It cut through almost everything else but not the wire. That shouldn’t create a new element, it should create an electrical fire that blows the building up.
  • This song was in a GTA game. Always reminds me of walking around shooting people and stealing cars. Not because of GTA though, just because it’s what I listen to whilst doing it on weekends.
  • “that’s a hell of a lot better than cheerleaders”, yeah but not as sexy. Unless you’re into robots of course.
  • Again with the superhero three point landing.
  • An entire glass ceiling gets shot down and lands on people, yet nobody dies. Bullshit.
  • “I’m locked on, I have target lock” “on what” “on you”. You know you could have just said “the targets locked on you”, would have saved time.
  • “tell me everything you know: go” Knuckle indentations coincide with the amount of days in every month, bananas are an excellent source of potassium, rainbows are pretty. Oh, you mean about this specific situation?
  • Movie teases kid getting shot. But kid doesn’t get shot.
  • A spin kick? That’s needlessly showy and is worse than a normal kick. Do screenwriters not read Artemis Fowl before doing stuff like this?
  • Is it just me who doesn’t think Gwyneth Paltrow can act? She’s probably the most well known actress in this film and gives the least convincing performance. For evidence of this watch her “you’re really dying” and see if you find it believable.
  • Tony and Rhodes are lucky those suits decided to stand there for dramatic effect for a few seconds before doing anything.
  • These drones have the worst attack plan: walk slowly towards them.
  • So the first film ended with Iron Man vs someone who made his own Iron Man-like suit. And the second film ends with Iron Man battling someone who made his own Iron Man-like suit. See, this is why people like Loki so much, because he’s different.
  • Whip it. Whip it good.
  • So he set up not only a really obvious red light telling them they’re going to explode, but also a like 30 second timer? This is what is known as “bond villainy”, as in; works in film but is really really stupid.
  • Avengers reference. Subtle.
  • Post credits scene sets up Thor. Random note: this was actually directed by Kenneth Branagh.

Musings On Marvel: Day 2 (The Incredible Hulk)

On By troubledproductionsIn Musings On MarvelLeave a comment

Director: Louis Leterrier (Now You See Me, Grimsby)

Budget: $150million

Box Office: $263million

  • Damn, this isn’t the Ang Lee one. Which is a shame as then I could have made the “Don’t make me Ang Lee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m Ang Lee” joke. Now I can’t 😦 I hate life and everybody in it.
  • Random fact, the director wanted Mark Ruffalo as the lead but was declined. As such we will now never ever know what Mark Ruffalo would look like as The Hulk. Never, ever, ever.
  • Entire origin story takes place during the opening credits. Thank god for that otherwise it would have added like an extra two hours onto the run time.
  • “The best way to control your anger is to control your body”. It’s taken him years to be told this? I’d have thought that would be the first lesson.
  • One slap round the face gets him that annoyed? If I got that annoyed everytime I got slapped in the face it would just distract me from the prostitute I paid for.
  • Edward Norton is being smart and scientific, you can tell this because he’s wearing glasses.
  • How did he miss that REALLY obvious blood on the bottle?
  • Everyone’s looking at him like he’s crazy, as if we’re supposed to think that everyone doesn’t know why he’s worried about his blood getting in the drink. Even without it being Hulk blood, that’s still not something a business wants in their drink. And I know “but they’re a Brazilian company, they don’t have health codes like we do”, maybe, but even Coca Cola wouldn’t want blood in their drink, and they’re practically Satan.
  • “get lost, gringo” That’s racist, I think.
  • “You wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry”. Ok, let’s get this clarified: “Angry” in Portuguese is either: Irritado, com raiva, zangado, furioso, colerico, or amarrado, whilst “Hungry” is: com fome, faminto, esfomeado, avido, ansioso, desejoso, pobre, esteril, arido, or pouco productivo. There’s no way you can mistake the two in that language, it really only works in English. You’d think Edward “Everything Must Be Perfect Or Else I Will Stab Everyone” Norton would have picked that up. Cute joke though.
  • “another failure” The exact same language was used by my family when they announced my birth.
  • “living with gamma poisoning not safe”. Thank god for scientists, I never would have known that.
  • Hey Tim Roth’s in this movie.
  • Oh god, Tim Roth’s in this movie. Poor Tim Roth.
  • Still, better than United Passions.
  • Sure, just shut down your laptop. Don’t wait for him to answer or anything. Dick.
  • These guys didn’t even check the exits? They’re awful planners.
  • Tim Roth shoots a dog.
  • Yeah, that’s good, hide your identity and then stare straight at the the guy hunting you. You’re an idiot.
  • “Do not lose him” oh really? Well I was going to just let him escape but now you said that.
  • I’ve never had to run across rooftops to escape people, yet it seems to happen in almost every film.
  • All those coke bottles behind him, Holy product placement Batman!
  • “Not so tough now are you?” Yeah, you show what a strong guy you are by hitting him when two other people holding him down. You big man, you very very strong man.
  • We’ve already established this factory is not doing that great financially, repairing all this damage could bankrupt it. People talk about the damage done to New York in the Avengers movie, but they’re able to pay it off. This company is ruined.
  • “who’s this woman in this newspaper clipping?”. Wait, so you didn’t even take a look at the newspaper clipping and see that this woman has the same name as the guy giving you orders? You suck, Tim Roth (please note the punctuation there, there’s an important difference between “You suck, Tim Roth”, and “You suck Tim Roth”).
  • “He threw a forklift truck like it was a softball”. No Russian person who was raised in England would ever use the word “softball”. At all.
  • “Days without incident: 1”. No, it’s zero, he had an incident just before, it doesn’t count as one if it’s on the same day. You wouldn’t say “I haven’t had chocolate for a whole day” just because you’re not eating chocolate right at that moment.
  • Distance between Brazil and Guatemala: 3,000 miles. How on earth did he go that far without people noticing?
  • Music from the original Incredible Hulk series reminds us that this is in fact, a movie. Maybe that’s the problem with this film, everyone is really familiar with the character, a lot more than they are any other of the characters from the MCU. So everyone goes in with preconceptions about the character which makes it hard to bring something new to the table.
  • “In WW2” Don’t be that guy, just say “world war 2”. Don’t say “WW2”, you sound like a prick and it takes longer to say, it’s like double the syllables.
  • “he thought he was working on radiation resistance. I would never have told him what the project really was”. That’s the perfect way to get accurate scientific data, have them attempt something else.
  • “that mans whole body is the property of the US army”. Sounds a bit rapey.
  • Edward Norton is using Norton antivirus. Hah!
  • Yeah, that’s it Liv Tyler, walk out on your date without saying a word. Rude!
  • Rain powered entirely by emotion.
  • “he wants to make it a weapon” A weapon he can’t control or order around. Having an army of Hulks would cause a lot of damage, yes, but a lot of it would be to your own army. It would be like having an army of bears.
  • Note to self: find army costumes for bears.
  • Ok, this is a visually impressive set-up, the whole “Hulk in the glass covered room which is full of smoke”, but it’s not really done effectively. They showed the transformation and the view from inside the room. What they should have done is the last we see is him as Banner, then silence, and then Hulk bursts out of the smoke.
  • Why does everyone keep shooting him? Surely after the first shots have absolutely no effect you’d think of a different tactic?
  • So this takes place on a University campus in middle of the day, and there’s only two bystanders? There were more bystanders at college when a car crashed into a lamp-post.
  • Do they ever use these sonic cannons again? Does every Marvel film feature a fantastic weapon which for some reason is never used again?
  • This movie is pretty much responsible for keeping rain machines in business.
  • Jesus how much did Coke pay to be in this film so much?
  • So he can swallow a usb stick and it still works? Yet I have one in my pocket for a twenty minute walk to uni and it stops.
  • Wait, so he can’t have sex without hulking out? What about masturbation? So he hasn’t jacked off for years? That might be why he’s so angry, I stopped for two weeks once and committed a small genocide in Rwanda.
  • Can The Hulk get high? Serious question, couldn’t he just get really really stoned? Or maybe he tried and that’s why he’s so green.
  • “I had to make more” Wait, you can just make more blood? Then why the fuck do the NHS keep asking for mine?
  • “I will never forgive what you’ve done to him” for some reason I hate that sentence. It just sounds really clunky, like it’s been translated into english from a foreign language.
  • “The mixture could be……….an Abomination”. Hmmm, I wonder which Marvel character Tim Roth will turn into.
  • I’ve realised where I know that guy from: he was in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmdit.
  • Unbreakable. They alive, damnit. It’s a miracle.
  • I love that show.
  • Ooooo season 2 came out a few days ago. Yay.
  • Bruce’s blood landed on his head wound, what are the odds of that?
  • “That’s impossible”, oh so now you start to question things.
  • So the lead character has to fight someone with the same superpowers as him? Just like Iron Man then? Or Thor. Or Ant-Man
  • “You think a rifle’s going to hurt that?” Most logical sentence in this film.
  • So his plan involves jumping out of a plane with no parachute? I tried that once, I didn’t save anybodies life and now I’m banned from British Airways
  • Hulk and Abomination just holding onto each other. Now kiss!
  • Did Hulk just stop the fire by clapping? I’m going to try that next time I see a fire heading towards me. If it doesn’t work and I die, someone sue Marvel.
  • Look, we know you’re in the Army but “reload” instead of “another drink”? Just makes you sound like a twat.
  • This is the only Marvel film without a post-credits scene. Instead it puts it just before the ending credits, like a normal film does.

Musings On Marvel: Day 1 (Iron Man)

On By troubledproductionsIn Musings On MarvelLeave a comment

Director: Jon Favreau (Made, Elf)

Budget: $140million

Box Office: $585.2 million

  • For some reason I always felt Incredible Hulk came first, probably because it’s never ever referenced again.
  • Three references to Marvel in the opening 10 seconds, in case you thought this was a DC movie or something.
  • Tony Stark drinking whiskey, making jokes and talking about banging women. OMG he’s so cool and totally not wish fulfilment for a bunch of 13 year old boys.
  • Ewww he made a myspace reference. That was a dated reference even back then. But I suppose he is old so we should be pleased he didn’t make a bebo reference.
  • Army guy making a peace sign.
  • Let that be a lesson kids, taking pictures with billionaires results in explosions.
  • That’s a lot of bullet holes in the wall and yet surprisingly none hit the main character.
  • Why did he have his phone out then? Was he tweeting? “OMG, about to be blown up with my own weapon #Irony”
  • You know these guys are evil because they look foreign and have beards, and because they’re pointing a gun at someones head and seemingly making a ransom demand.
  • “he graduated summa cum laude”. I also hope to cum laude in the summer.
  • Would Rolling Stone really put a weapons manufacturer on the front page? They’re just not that well known, really, name one.
  • This guy’s bald, he’s definitely evil.
  • “colour me up will you?” Didn’t you already do that in Tropic Thunder? You can’t black up again.
  • That was a really weird laugh.
  • Wait, they’re in Malibu? That’s either a 1 hour flight, a 4 hour drive, or a 4 day walk. No way were his pick up lines enough to make it worth her waiting that long. He must have paid her.
  • Like he’d listen to Suicidal Tendencies.
  • Tony Stark has at least three people who basically run his life, well, two people and a robot. So it’s kind of hard to believe he’d find it difficult to trust people and not want to work in a team when it comes to the Avengers movie. “I work on my own, I’m a loner, walking down the lonely road, alone, on my own, with these three people”
  • “When you need your diaper changed let me know and I’ll get you a bottle”. You don’t know how to change babies do you?
  • “Repulser technology” I already have that, it’s called my face.
  • “The bad guys won’t even want to come out of their caves”. Well the biggest threats to peace right now are North Korea, China, and Liverpool, not a lot of caves.
  • “presenting, The Jericho” Does that weapon break the walls down?
  • “Welcome Tony Stark, the most famous mass murderer in the history of America”, somewhere, Ted Bundy is crying.
  • “your life’s work is in the hand of those murderers”, as opposed to the previous people who used those weapons, who used them only to cuddle teddy bears.
  • So this guy’s discussing how he can’t wait to see his family. Thus almost guaranteeing he’s going to die.
  • Wait, why does that guy look through the tiny hole in the door? They have video surveillance.
  • Ah, there’s the mask, for the missile. Because all missiles have masks obviously. These bad guys are idiots, they deserve to die.
  • Why are these trained soldiers and they’re running away from someone who can’t even hold a gun properly?
  • He’s breathing heavily and saying “I want this, I want this”.
  • Not one of those shots went through the MASSIVE eyeholes he has?
  • For a multimillion dollar action film the fire effects in this are f*cking awful.
  • Wouldn’t that fall have liquified him inside the suit? Or at the very least caused massive damage? I mean, when he landed his body would have bounced off the inside of the metal suit, he’d be in a lot of pain, definitely not able to walk across the desert.
  • Oh wait he’s injured, he’s got two cuts on his face and his arm is in a sling in which I’m sure will be plot significant and certainly won’t be forgotten about.
  • “We’ve been approached by the CIA, the FBI, the DOD” the AC/DC, the MIA, the LOL and the ROFL.
  • Bald, and riding a segway, definitely evil.
  • Little information on this guy hosting the finance news: he’s a guy called Jim Cramer. He’s known for getting a lot of very big decisions wrong. For example he said that everyone should invest in Bear Stearns as they’re safe and will never depreciate in value. 6 days later the company went under. He then complained he’d been unfairly treated by the media and that all he said was that money was safe, not that you should invest. Which is true, to find him saying that you have to go back a whole 7 days before they went under.
  • That crash into the concrete would have killed him. That’s at least twice he should have died.
  • “Come on we’ve got tot break the ice” how about a “how are you?” usually works.
  • How on earth is that tea still steaming hot? Or coffee, whatever.
  • “Proof that Tony Stark has a heart”. Oh, but when I ask for a display case to be made for my bosses heart then suddenly I’m a psychopath and no longer fit to work. Political correctness gone mad.
  • “bizarre and highly controversial press conference”, yes, because nothing is more controversial than “I don’t want to kill people anymore”
  • Really unsubtle Stan Lee cameo.
  • “We need to debrief you” you can at least buy him dinner first.
  • Where does that shell end up? Seriously, a shot is launched at him and it flies behind him. But there’s no explosion or anything. It’s like it just faded into the ether.
  • “We’ve got visual on the bogey” Then ask him to wipe his nose.
  • “A man with a dozen of these could rule half of Asia” yeah but would you want to? Seems like a lot of work.
  • That weapon that paralyses you is the most useful weapon in the entire Marvel universe. So obviously it’s never used again.
  • Wait, so nobody translated this? Wouldn’t that be the first thing you do?
  • “Next time, baby”. Lol, not for you.
  • So Tony stops people in cars being hurt, by launching a massive metal suit onto a car?
  • Tony here fighting against a guy in a suit, thank god that never happens again
  • “you gave me the best weapon”, no that paralysing thing is waaaay more useful.
  • “and now I’m going to kill you with it”. You had loads of chances to kill him. For example, when he was fucking paralysed.
  • “I am Iron Man”. do do do do Vote For Me.
  • Actually I have a problem with that. Ideally should be “I am Iron Man”, then it ends. But there’s like a two second gap between him saying it and it ending. Just seems weird.

Ranking The Marvel Cinematic Universe Films (so far)

On By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

So yeah, Captain America: Civil War is out in 14 days. There’s 12 films, you know what that means? Yup, it’s time for the as-yet-untitled Marvel Version of my hugely unsuccessful Nightmare A Day series. What, you don’t remember that? Don’t worry, shall all be explained tomorrow. But until then, I still have to blog today, so what will today’s be? Simple, this will be my last normal blog until Civil War is released, so is really my last chance to do this and make it relevant. So here goes, all opinions are my own, but if you disagree you are wrong.

12. Thor: The Dark World

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I saw this film at the cinema and yet can barely remember anything about it. The trouble was that it’s kinda dull and doesn’t fit in with the rest. Plus by this point it was obvious that the character of Thor isn’t as interesting as his own villain. Loki dominates this film, just as he did the previous film, only this time it’s a lot more clunky in terms of why he’s there. It also completely wastes Christopher Ecclestone. The first film to really be skippable.

11. The Incredible Hulk

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A film that only ranks so low because it doesn’t really mesh with the others. The only thing tying this into to the rest is the cameo of Tony Stark. If it wasn’t for that, (and if it was released first instead of second) then they could just ignore it and pretend it never happened, like the world does with Godfather III.

10. Thor

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Yeah, maybe my personal bias is showing, I don’t like Thor. Mainly because the rest of the MCU tries really hard to be realistic and scientific, and then suddenly this guy shows up and smashes that to pieces. Also I feel his character just displays wasted opportunities. They have a character who is a God, they could do films based on how the world reacts to this, how does religion react to the existence of A God, but not Their God? None of this is shown, at all. Oh, and Natalie Portman’s character has all the background and charisma of a see through piece of tissue paper. Oh, and they wasted Idris Elba. Plus, Thor basically tried to kill Captain America in Avengers movie. Yes, the shield stopped him from being smashed with a hammer, but Thor didn’t know that would happen! From his perspective he just jumped at someone and tried to smash their face in with an unbeatable weapon. That would be like me launching nuclear weapons at a school but it turns out it’s okay as Fuzzy Felt stops explosions (it doesn’t by the way, I can 100% confirm this, sorry Nagasaki).

9. Avengers: Age Of Ultron. 

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This film highlighted a problem with a lot of modern super hero movies: pointless fight scenes and action sequences. Not just that, but poorly made action sequences too. There’s so many moments in this where action sequences just happen for no reason other than the studio thought “Action sequence goes here!”. Which is a shame as other than those it’s actually an okay story. I mean, the trailer did that annoying thing where it showed an awful thing that turned out to be a dream sequence. If it wasn’t for those two things it would be rated much higher (probably top five).

8. Iron Man 2

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Mickey Rourke is good in this, as is Downey Jr. But that’s kind of the biggest problem too. It’s so heavily dependent on performance, that it forgets to carve a good enough story. The villain is too similar to the first one (although don’t get me wrong he is better). The scene where Tony Stark is called into congress to explain himself is fantastic and says a lot about the nature of heroes, but then it just dissolves into casual action fare. Plus it’s hard to imagine THIS Tony Stark being the same one who (maybe, if they go close to the source material) advocates government registration of superheroes.

7. Iron Man

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Ok now we’re getting into awesome stuff. This is the film that launched not only the MCU, but superhero movies being fun again. After Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy it looked like all future superhero movies would just be fifty shades of grey and dark blues (and just as painful as that sounds). A great origin story, brilliantly directed by Jon Favreau, and the casting of Robert Downey Jr. was a master stroke. It was a risky decision but one that paid off.

6. Ant-Man

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Very, very fun. Paul Rudd is very funny. Yes, it would have been better if Edgar Wright stayed on but still. I saw this soon after Age Of Ultron, and the action set pieces in this were a lot better, featuring the best use of Thomas The Tank Engine I’ve ever seen in film.

5. Iron Man 3

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F*ck you I liked it. I know a lot of people don’t, and I understand why. But this was the first time the series tricked me. I’m a pretentious film student so I recognise plot twists early, but this one genuinely came out of left field, but in a way that made sense, it wasn’t one of those “and the killer turned out to be the goldfish all along!”. Yes, it still sucks that Iron Man films have had the worst villains so far but meh. This one also should be commended for actually showing character growth, Tony Stark is haunted by the actions of the Avengers movie, he’s basically suffering PTSD, sadly this was pretty much forgotten about by Age Of Ultron, very disappointing.

4. Avengers Assemble

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I rate this higher than the second one only because the action sequences aren’t as long, and at the time it was new. Plus it resurrected The Hulk as a character after two previous attempts to make a live action film about the character. This film established Loki as THE best villain in the Marvel Universe, which counts both for and against it. For because in this film he’s a charismatic, logical villain. Against because they can never hope to do that again.

3. Captain America: The First Avenger

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Yes, other films have been better, but this was the moment where the series grew from “action fare” to “cinematic genius”. The first (and best) use of cinematic emotion in the series. Usually when people say “Superhero movies are grown up and mature” they show things like Deadpool etc, things which are “adult”, but not “mature” (and yes, there is a difference). This would be a better option, exploring themes of identity, loss, and the commercialisation of war heroes to raise money instead of winning the war. The casting of Tommy Lee Jones in it added authenticity to the film, oh, and Hayley Atwell is superb. This is the first time they went beyond the “superhero saves world” story and focused on the hero themselves, a truly touching tale that was a worthy introduction to the character.

2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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Probably the best example of a comic book movie transcending the genre. This film is almost like a cold-war era spy movie. Has the best plot of any of the films, fantastic characterisation, and is just all round brilliant. Amazing but not too comical, this film is not “look at this ooooo moment”, it’s not spectacle, but it is spectacular.

1. Guardians Of The Galaxy

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A part of this is because everybody expected it to fail. When it was announced people were certain this would be the biggest flop in Marvel history, more so than SuperLee, a superhero who fights crime with sarcasm and bitterness, which was invented by me, in my head, just now. But this film is amazing, it’s funny, smart and perfectly acted. It’s odd that Marvel has made better characters from a tree that only says three words than a lot of films manage with entire monologues. A space opera which is definitely the most fun film from all of them, and overall that’s what films should be: fun. It’s not the film with the best story, or the best acting, but it is definitely the one you’ll want to watch the most.