I Scream For The Last Time: Scream 4

  • This film is actually tinged with sadness for me, it’s the last film Wes Craven directed. Please don’t be terrible. Or as it’s called on the package: Scre4m. So to give it it’s full title: Screfourm.
  • I haven’t mentioned this before on any of the others but the DVD extras on this are shocking: the trailer, subtitles, and that’s it. That’s unacceptable. This is the first film in the series in over ten years, at the very least, want a short documentary explaining why it’s back, maybe something about how horror has changed since the first Scream movie came out. The extras on this are like the ones you got listed on the very first DVDs that came out (I remember having 10 Things I Hate About You and the special features on that were “scene selection”, and “interactive menu”, and the DVD itself was actually broken anyway so you had to use the scene selection to start the movie because if you just clicked “start movie” it would just take you back to the menu.
  • I know, I’m surprised I mentioned a rather forgettable 90’s rom-com this early into a liveblog about horror too.
  • The film opens with characters complaining about Saw IV. “It’s all torture porn shit. You don’t give a shit who dies because there’s no character development it’s just body parts spraying everywhere”. This movie would be awesome at liveblogs.
  • “I’m going to cut through your neck until I feel bone”, her response to someone saying this on the phone is to hand the phone to her friend “well you’re the one with the stalker”. Even more reason to not do it.
  • Ah, so the opening of this film is actually just Stab 6. Now we’re actually watching this film.
  • Oh hey, it’s Kristen Bell, I think.
  • Okay, so it turns out people watching Stab 6 were actually actors in Stab 7. Wtf? Actually, I really like that opening, it’s unique and makes the audience know they’re going to have to stay on their toes and pay attention. It’s also quite weird, and I like weird.
  • Hey, it’s the girl from Tomorrowland, I don’t care what people say (and by “people”, I mean “almost everyone”), I actually really like that film.
  • Oh, she’s dead now 😦 I should just stop liking people in horror films, they almost always die.
  • Holy crap it’s The Sounds. Say what you like about this film, I never expected to hear European dance pop-punk in a horror movie.
  • Wow, it’s Alison Brie. Completely forgot she was in this too. I bet she dies 😦
  • Still weird the town kind of celebrates these murders, almost like they’re proud of them. it would be like New York selling 9/11 merchandise, would seem a bit cheap.
  • Wait, this film also has Anna Paquin and Emma Roberts, holy crap this is one hell of a strong cast.
  • “you’re not cheating on your wife if you eat my lemon squares”. Phrasing!
  • “”Here I am with Olivia “don’t look at my tits I have a mind” Morris””. Why is that a nickname? It’s an awful name, basically saying “this person hates being objectified”. Oh no, how awful of her.
  • Marley Shelton is really good in this, she reminds me of the bunny from Zootopia, which is odd as they’re both police deputies called Judy.
  • “Anything with an on/off switch should be off”. Does that include heart monitors?
  • Gale Weathers thinks she should be involved because she wrote the books on the original murders. But she wrote them after the fact, she didn’t really do much during.
  • “your lemon squares taste like ass”, in which case it’s even weirder her husband is eating them.
  • The killer says he’s standing in the closet whilst making the phone call, I could make an obvious “in the closet” joke, but instead I think I’ll take the high road and say “how did he manage to have a conversation on the phone whilst in the closet and the girl not hear him in there? I mean, the closet he was in belonged to a girl who was just standing there not making any noise, so she surely would have heard something?
  • “this isn’t a fucking movie”, hey, that’s my line!
  • “I’m going to slit your eyelids so you see when I stab you in the face”, wow, that’s…..brutal.
  • Just realised Sidney no longer has the necklace. Okay to explain. In the second film her boyfriend handed her a necklace before he died (obviously, would be a bit weird if he did it afterwards). She kept it in the third film, and I always thought that was a nice touch. She’s not wearing it in this one, so either her character has moved on, or the film-makers just forgot.
  • “Olivia Morris, who will officially never go out with me, is dead” this guy is the worst.
  •  Okay, Alison Brie’s character is awful too, saying Sidney should be glad about the murders as it will increase book sales.
  • “the problem with Sidney is she never gets laid”, I’d say the problem is more to do with all the murders.
  • Alison Brie gets stabbed in the stomach, not the most exciting death but well crafted enough.
  • Her body is thrown off car park onto a news van during a press conference. Now that’s better.
  • “you film your entire high school experience and put it on the web?” Why would any high school student do that? Most schools feature much embarrassment and things people would rather forget.
  • So they’re doing a drinking game for a film series consisting of 7 films? They’re going to be white-girl wasted by the end of this.
  • Wait, they’re showing the popcorn scene from the original Stab, then the shower scene. But weren’t they the other way around when they were shown in Scream 2? Unless maybe because that was a preview the studio changed it around. Actually considering someone was murdered at a sneak preview of the first film, how on earth did sequels get green-lit?
  • Cop gets stabbed in the head then random walks down the street, punching the air before falling over. May seem unrealistic but apparently based on videos of people who have been stabbed in the head.
  • “fuck Bruce Willis”, I agree.
  • Stabbed through the letterbox. That sounds like a weird euphemism. We later found out that the mother was intended to die, but how did the killer know that it was her leaning against the door and not Sidney?
  • Okay, they’re all settling down to continue the Stab-athon and finish watching stab 7. Which is weird as the last we saw they were still in the first one. So did all those people get stabbed and then just sit around and watch the first six films before doing anything? Let’s say 90 minutes per film that’s about 9 hours.
  • A history lesson on the slasher genre, I have now added Peeping Tom to my list to watch.
  • “name the remake that” she then reels off about 20 remakes that have been recently made. Very very funny.
  • “this is making a move” *proceeds to stab someone*. Hey, how about that? I have made a move on people before then.
  • So Rory Culkin stabbed someone seemingly out of sexual frustration? Typical white male bullshit.
  • Weird touch here that I’m not sure if it was intentional but both killers are played by people from acting families; Rory Culkin and Emma Roberts.
  • “I told so many lies that I actually started to believe them”. So she’s not only a killer but also a liar. I’m starting to think she’s not a nice person.
  • “old school, like Billy and Stu”, he’s then surprised when he gets stabbed by the other killer, did he not pay any attention to the first movie?
  • “I don’t need friends, I need fans”, actually a killer line.
  • “how do you think people become famous now? You don’t have to achieve anything” lucky me.
  • “you just need to have fucked up shit happen to you”, actually that’s pretty accurate. I mean, I would argue that point, but Madeline McCanns parents got a book tour and to meet the pope.
  • Emma Roberts character maims herself to make her look more like a victim. And we’re talking proper hardcore maiming here. She drives a knife into her own shoulder, runs into a glass picture frame, and throws herself backwards through a glass table. Surprisingly chilling scene. Weird that this is her first horror movie as she’s so damn good at it. She was later in Scream Queens, which again, I recommend everybody watch, even if only to hear one of the best songs you’ll ever hear.
  • Oh no, Marley Shelton got shot 😦 That’s annoying as she was lovely. I really need to stop finding people adorable in horror films, it never works out.
  • “you forgot the first rule of remakes, don’t fuck with the original”. I assumed that’s what all remakes did.
  • So it turns out Marley Shelton is still alive because, as she says, “Wear the vest, save your chest”, and it is a magnificent chest. Wait….
  • Oh fuck that’s how this series ends, with me making a perverted comment. God fucking damn it.
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I Scream Monday: Scream 3

  • For a long time, this was the only one I owned on DVD (yeah, I know, I’m odd) so I’ve always had a soft spot for it. A lot of people hate this film for some reason and see it as really weak, so I hope this rewatch doesn’t open my eyes to its suckiness and ruin it forever. That was the downside of the Musings On Marvel series, it really opened my eyes to a lot of issues those films have and made it slightly harder to enjoy them. Doing these is like dissecting a frog, you cut it open and accidentally kill it.
  • A great horror movie should make you feel uncomfortable very quickly. This film starts with the logo for Dimension Films, an offshoot of The Weinstein company. So, erm, job done, I guess?
  • So since the last film Cotton has become a talk show host, apparently the number one rated one in the country, but they all say that.
  • A jump scare utilising the scariest sound in human history; a song by Creed. Terrifying.
  • “okay Cotton, you know I don’t like your Stab games”. Wait, what exactly does Cotton do with his girlfriend at his house? Does their sexual roleplay involve murder? That’s……….not normal is it?
  • Cotton removes his jacket for seemingly no reason, almost just to show that Liev Schrieber had been working out. Actually, if rumours are to be believed that’s the exact reason that happened, he insisted on it.
  • This film came out at a really weird time, Hollywood was terrified of receiving backlash for seemingly causing the Columbine massacres so was keeping a watchful eye on violence in cinema. It got to the point where the producers wanted no blood at all in this film, how exactly would that have worked? I mean, you can do that in a new franchise but to go from 50 gallons in the first film to nothing in the third? You would have noticed the complete tonal 180 and it would have ruined it, which the producers would then blame on everybody except themselves.
  • “If we stop making horror movies, all the psychos would retire?” I doubt it, they don’t have the greatest pension plan.
  • “he was making a movie called Stab, he was stabbed” is used as a reason for police to believe the killing of Cotton was linked to the film. Which kind of makes me want to twat Robert Downey Jr. round the face with an Iron, man.
  • “you think serious black actors can just throw away jobs?” to prove his point he then mentions Usher and LL Cool J, who nobody takes seriously.
  • Jay and Silent Bob make a cameo appearance, that’s….odd to think they exist in this universe.
  • Scream goes for a random ghostly jump scare. It’s weird as this is the catalyst for Sidney returning from her self-imposed exile, which was the killers plan all along, but the killer can’t force this hallucination on her, so what would he have done if this never happened? His entire plan was focused on drawing her out, yet the only thing that does so is something he can’t control and is based entirely on luck.
  • “how are we supposed to learn our lines when there’s a new script every 15 fucking minutes?”, weren’t you just complaining that you’re only in two scenes? So no matter what changes it’s not as though you have a lot to learn.
  • “who gets killed third? You do”, and there we have the worst line reading in the history of the series.
  • So because of all the deaths, the films get cancelled, which is kind of odd as they’re based on real murders that happened about 6 months prior to the films being made. So really they’ll probably just delay it and use it the murders as inspiration for the third film. Speaking of which, why the hell is there a third film? The first Stab film was based on the murders in the first Scream film, which Gale Weathers wrote a book on (which was used as the basis of the script), presumably, the second one is based on the second set of murders, so what’s the third one based on? And as the person who wrote the book which (at least) the first one was based on, wouldn’t Gale know the third one is being made and the details of it?
  • Not-Dewey gets blown up by checking a fax in the dark by using a lighter in a room full of gas. So many ways this is basically just luck, what if he had a torch? What if he left the house then looked? What if nobody cared what the fax said?
  • Sidney finally comes back to meet the other characters. It takes nearly 50 minutes for Scream to Scream.
  • Hey, it’s Heather Matarazzo, a.k.a the girl who’s not Julie Andrews or Anne Hathaway from Princess Diaries.
  • Hey, Jamie Kennedy is back by oddly prescient videotape. I suppose that’s one way to kind of bring the character back without it feeling cheap.
  • And there goes Heather Matarazzo, shame, she should be in it more, just because she’s awesome.
  • Carrie Fisher cameo, playing someone who looks like Carrie Fisher and was nearly in Star Wars but wasn’t in it because she refused to sleep with George Lucas. So a film made by a company that’s an offshoot of Weinstein company has a scene where an actress loses out on a part because she refused to sleep with someone? Well, this just got a lot fucking creepier.
  • Okay, the producer of the Stab films is talking about sexually exploiting/raping women to get them parts in films. Talking about how “you have to play by the rules in this town”, and blacklisting actresses who won’t do it or who try to report it. Again, this is a film distributed by an off-shoot of the Weinstein company. This is…..uncomfortable viewing. Like that kind of creeping sensation you get where you feel your skin tightening, or like a hundred spiders are walking up your back.
  • “looks like Stab 3 is back in production”. That is not how to announce “crazy psycho killer is in the house”, rather flippant.
  • “I did not fuck that pig Milton just to die surrounded by second-rate actors like you”, yet another reference to a producer using his power to sexually exploit young women. This film is making me feel awful.
  • Dewey thinks someone is being killed behind a wall of mirrors, so he slowly shoots every single mirror, as opposed to just shooting one then walking through the gap.
  • So when the killer takes the mask off he needs to hold the voice changer to his mouth to change his voice, yet he wasn’t holding anything to his face during any other point, is there one in the mask?
  • Oddly tweet music accompanying the killer reveal, it sounds like Home Alone music.
  • So the killer’s justification is that Sidney gets all the attention that he craves? He’s a Hollywood director, she lives under a fake name in the middle nowhere, he’s definitely the more famous one of the two. Kind of odd as apart from that his motive is pretty logical, even his methods were logical, very few of the deaths are superfluous, even the ones you think are turn out to be “well otherwise they wouldn’t have told people” later on.
  • Kind of nice moment when the killer dies holding Sidney’s hand, sort of sweet.
  • Random fact, when Sidney stabs the killer with the ice pick, she missed the pad she was supposed to hit, and instead hit flesh, the second time in the series that’s happened.
  • And that’s the end of that, and I feel disgusted with Hollywood.

I Scream Too

Nothing much to say about this, fun fact, I used to own this on video, I think. I don’t know, I might have done. I say “fun”, I mean “pointless and tedious”, which is the same thing, right? Right? Oh I’ve wasted my life

  • Not really anything to do with the film, but the DVD menu for this is really weird. It’s a close up of a blinking eye. Kind of creepy but doesn’t really suit the tone of Scream, more Saw.
  • “I don’t want to be here” “baby, these tickets are free”. Ah, young love, where “it’s free” is somehow an acceptable reason to make someone miss important studying time to do something they don’t want to do.
  • It’s weird watching this film in [insert current year here], the first two people we see are Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett-Smith, both of whom would never do these roles now.
  • “It’s a dumbass white movie about some dumbass white girls” that’s racist
  • “I guess Sandra Bullock is Miss Ethnicity” only when she blacks up.
  • “horror movies have historically under-represented black people”, that’s not true, there’s nearly always a black person in horror films, where do you think the “black guy dies first” trope comes from?
  • Jada’s response to being given a “Ghostface” costume is to complain that it’s white. Only the face, the rest of it is black.
  • Okay, there’s an usher outside the cinema, then another one inside, 3 people working the Stab puppets, and someone handing out costumes. Yet nobody is handling security so it’s chaos. The kind of chaos you only get at sneak previews in films. Unless it’s a sequel or something unique I don’t think people would be this excited. In fact, it’s weird they are this excited considering that in-universe the film is based on a true story. This would be carrying sparklers into a film about 9/11. They’re all dressed up too, this would be dressing up as a dead student during a screening of a film based on Columbine massacre, or the Virginia Tech shooting, or Sandy Hook, or

 

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  • Aaaaaand we’re back. What year is it? Is Trump still president? Fuck!
  • Back to that point, it’s weird the studio is making costumes of an (in-universe) real-life killer and selling them. You don’t see many Gary Glitter costumes in the stores. Oddly enough you do see a lot of blacking up for Halloween, it turns out an oddly high amount of people, when they think “scary”, their first thought is “black people”.
  • Why does her shower have a giant window next to it?
  • Okay I know it’s a movie within a movie but why is this woman making popcorn on the stove when she’s getting a shower? Surely doing both at once is a bit stupid and is likely to cause a fire?
  • People are sitting in the audience watching the film wearing masks, as such, they can’t see shit.
  • How did the studio who made Stab get the voice of the original killer? Bit weird.
  • Jada lives up to the “black cinema viewers yell at the screen” stereotype. That’s a really weird stereotype by the way that I’m 97% sure only happens in films.
  • “hey we sold out”, sneak previews are usually free, trust me I know, I’ve been to a few. So you didn’t sell out, you didn’t sell anything.
  • If everybody is in the screening, why are so many people just standing in the lobby?
  • “medium pepsi, medium popcorn, no butter”, a note to America; not everything needs butter.
  • “scary movies are great foreplay”, for psychopaths. So yeah it works great for me.
  • Omar Epps death is entirely luck-based. If his head wasn’t in that exact position he wouldn’t have died. More to the point, how did the killer know he would use that toilet? If he doesn’t put his head up against the door he survives, and the odds of anybody putting their head against a cubicle wall in a public bathroom is statistically very very low. I’d say near impossible, I’ve never done it, and I’m weird.
  • NOBODY in the audience realises this woman got stabbed to death, this is the stupidest cinema audience since millions of people decided to see the Transformer movies.
  • Journalists respond to murder by crowding round Sidney and asking “do you think they’ll be anymore?”. Bitch, how the fuck does she know?
  • “you can’t blame real-life violence on entertainment”, anybody else get the feeling this scene was just there as a response to criticism of the first film? I mean, I get it, and it’s funny, but still.
  • “the killer was wearing a mask, just like in the movie, it’s directly responsible”. Erm, how? The film wasn’t even released yet and the murder happened in the opening scene of the sneak preview. It’s impossible for it to influence someone like that, now if you said the actual murders inspired the killer, then yes I’d say you could be right. So what’s the solution; ban murder? Not in my Britain! Political correctness gone mad! *foams at mouth*
  • Film students discussing the recent murder of one of their classmates, we never did at my uni, we just discussed how Resident Evil is objectively not a great film.
  • “that’ll be a wrap”, not even a film studies tutor would end a lesson like that.
  • “So how would you make it different?” “I’d let the geek get the girl”. Just like in American Pie, Spider-man, or any other 80’s film which a nerdy lead character?
  • “you got any tricks for getting me back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence” Have you tried drugs?
  • So Gale Weathers, who has a best-selling book out is reduced to using inexperienced cameramen?
  • Why are they having a press conference at the college? There are lots of better places, this only happens so Sidney etc could see Gale again.
  • Few things can take you out of a horror movie like seeing one of the Bluths in it talking like a valley girl.
  • “Dewey I never meant to imply” you didn’t imply anything, you flat out said he was inexperienced.
  • “now if you excuse me, I have some oozing to do”. Does he mean masturbating?
  • “Sarah dumped Bailey”, a reference to the show Party Of Five, which stars Neve Campbell from Scream. So how does that work in this universe? Does Neve Campbell exist in the Scream universe? And why has nobody pointed out to Sidney how much she looks and sounds like her?
  • So EVERYBODY who lives in that house has gone to a party? There’s nobody who is unsociable or ill or just wasn’t feeling it? Bullshit!
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar is watching a vampire film, I feel there’s a really obvious joke here.
  • What was Sarah Michelle Gellar’s plan here? Run onto the balcony, and then what? Her only option would have been to jump off, which would have killed her.
  • That’s Matthew Lillard (the killer from the first one) in the background there, hugging the killer from this film. Nice subtle thing there.
  • “The Ewoks, they blow”. They do? I must find one.
  • Why does Sidney answer the phone, it’s not her house.
  • Why is Gale allowed in the police station? She’s a reporter, do they generally get access to confidential information?
  • “My film is about a girl who finds out her boyfriend is this serial killer who also killed her mother the year before that”, Tori Spelling just ruined the twist ending of Stab. This is why they don’t let her take lead roles anymore.
  • “He wasn’t gutted, I made that up, his throat was cut”, why did she change that part?
  • “I need you”, yes because it must be so hard to find someone who can operate a fucking camera at a college. Ask Randy, I bet he knows local film-makers.
  • Why does the drama teacher make Sidney do a scene in a play where she’s being attacked by people with knives?
  • “have you ever stabbed someone and felt the knife scrape against bone?” yes, every Tuesday at pilates.
  • “is that the best you can do? Billy and Stu were much more original”, how do you know that? Only people they phoned were Sidney and those who died, and I doubt Sidney told you much about it.
  • What were the killer’s plans if Randy didn’t coincidentally stand up and walk next to that exact van the killers were in? Or if people didn’t play music loudly as they walked past, masking the sound of murder? This and Omar Epps death rely almost entirely on luck.
  • Does this college not have security cameras? They should be able to see who left the van, a piece of piss.
  • “You have a message, you just need to hit alt+m”, she then hits at least 4 keys.
  • Sidney wondering how she can get a message when she’s not signed on. I wonder the same thing when I go on outlook and it automatically signs me into skype because outlook is a piece of shit.
  • “get her away from the computer”, you know the killer isn’t literally inside the computer right?
  • “that’s not a crime” “but homicide is”, wow! Thank you, Mr. Policeman for telling me that, I never would have guessed that.
  • “if the killer really is watching us, he’ll be on these tapes” they then decide to watch the tapes at the college, instead of, you know, in her newsroom, or anywhere that’s more professional.
  • “There’s gotta be a VCR player around here somewhere?” Millions of Millennials shout out as one “what’s a VCR?” only to be answered by a hail of gunfire aimed at them.
  • This shot of Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett-Smith is seemingly shot from a car next to them on the street, only if you watch the scene earlier there was no car. This film lies! It’s a lying liar!
  • Who’s editing these tapes? And why? That’s also my number one question for almost every single found footage film.
  • “where are you taking me?” “If we told you, we’d have to kill you” Dude! That’s not an okay thing to say to someone whilst a serial killer is around.
  • Did the other students just leave Derek tied and duct taped whilst there’s a killer around? Wow, the actual killers barely had to do any work, they lucked into almost every single murder.
  • Sidney thinks her boyfriend is the killer, she only finds out he’s not when he gets killed. What would have happened if he didn’t die? Seriously, how would that have impacted their relationship in the future? He would win every single argument forever. “you cheated on me with my best friend” “yeah, you suspected me of being a killer”.
  • “My motive is just good old-fashioned revenge”, then why did you kill anyone else? It doesn’t make sense!
  • “I’m sick of people blaming the parents, want to know who’s to blame? Your mother”. Odd she managed to contradict her own logic in just one sentence.
  • Dewey is still alive, despite losing blood for hours, again. Why is the ambulance response to these things always so slow? The final murders happen at night (which is another thing; nobody yawns or looks tired), yet no ambulances arrive until morning.
  • And we’re done the same way every film ends in the 90’s, a happy song sung by a happy band, and they all lived happily ever after, apart from all the people who are dead, obviously.
  • So over the end credits of a brutal horror movie; Less Than Jake, obviously.

 

I Scream Some Day: Day 1, Scream

So it’s slowly approaching that time of year. The awful horrible time full of fear and decadence; Christmas. But before that, we have to get Halloween out the way. Continuing our tradition that started two years ago with A Nightmare On Elm Street, then repeated last year with Child’s Play, I’ll be watching a horror movie series every day until Halloween and live-blogging my thoughts, some nonsensical, some serious, but mostly kinda weird. I struggled with what to pick at first, I was going to do Saw but then realised since there’s a new one out at the cinema now the blogs will immediately become outdated unless I live blog at the cinema, like an asshole. So, which HALLOWEEN film will I be blogging about in the lead up to HALLOWEEN? Yes, that’s right, Scream! Yup, we’re craving Craven. I kind of dig this film, was originally going to be called Scary Movie, hence the phrase “Scary movie” being used a lot.

Budget: $14million

Box Office: $173million.

  • A guy phones someone and is annoyed she wants to not talk to a stranger, he ends up brutally killing her, somewhere on the internet there are people defending him and blaming feminism.
  • “Halloween, you know the one where the guy wears a white mask and stalks babysitters?” Spoilers!
  • What would have happened if she never answered the phone? That’s why I think I’d survive in this universe, I let unknown numbers go to voicemail or just reject them. “Hi, is this Lee? Yeah, I planned to torment you over the phone and then kill you brutally, let me know when you get this. It’s Pete, my address is….”
  • Drew Barrymore runs around locking all the doors. Which means they were all unlocked, she deserves what happens.
  • “I’m going to phone the police” “they’d never get there in time”, so she just doesn’t try. Lazy! Although they actually forgot to unplug the phone for this scene, so she actually did phone the police and cry down the line to them.
  • “I want to see what your insides look like”, there are magazines for that kind of thing, and videos online.
  • “his name wouldn’t be Steve would it? “how do you know his name”, he’s a white American football player at high school, odds are he was going to be called either Steve or Chad, so he had a 50% chance of being right.
  • “I want to play a game”, and thus Ghostface invents Saw about 10 years before Saw was ever Saw.
  • “Mrs Vorhees was the killer in the first one, Jason didn’t appear until the sequel” And I don’t think he got his mask until the third one, it’s weird how long that series took to set up its iconography, people love Jason and the mask, yet the best-regarded film in the series is the one which has none of those things.
  • “There are two doors to this house”, really? She locked like 5 of them earlier.
  • She stops running when she sees a car in the distance, as opposed to running towards it, all so the killer can jump her.
  • The scene where she is first stabbed was going to be cut by MPAA for being too graphic, it was allowed to stay because the director told them that was the only cut they had of that. They lied.
  • Drew Barrymore sees her parents yet is too feeble to properly scream for them so they walk straight past her. That’s one hell of a good scene.
  • Her mum seems traumatised by the possibility of something happening to her daughter, I want a horror movie to focus more on that. How does a community react to a large group of teenagers die? Do they get resentful to the ones left behind? Do they even stay there or do they all move?
  • She got hung from tree really quickly. Killers may be sociopaths, but they’re efficient.
  • If this film was made today, this is where the opening credits would be, as it is the opening credits are at the opening for some reason.
  • “kids are doing drugs here, and some are involved in the occult”, I thought that was supposed to be good for you? Aid digestion etc.
  • Oh wait, that’s Yakult. Never mind.
  • There’s a lot of people wearing really ugly jumpers in this film. Is that what the kids are wearing these days? Ugly sweaters? If that’s the case then hey, I’m fashionable.
  • Why exactly are they interviewing everybody at the school? Just because they went to school doesn’t mean everyone at school is a suspect, by that logic you might as well ask everybody on the street, or if they worked everybody there. It’s just because the other main characters are at school, isn’t it?
  • “officers are baffled by the lack of clues”, really? Did they not think to check phone records?
  • Students sit around making jokes about the murdered students, I like to think I wouldn’t be that awful, then I remembered who I am.
  • “the question isn’t Who Am I, it’s Where Am I?”, no, that’s a completely different question.
  • “I’m at your front porch” so she walks towards the porch and opens the door just to prove he’s lying, as opposed to, you know, just calling him a prick and hanging up the phone.
  • Sidney tries to prove she can’t be seen by picking her nose, ewwwww.
  • Ghostface tries to kill her but gets defeated and is unable to. Let’s talk about this for a moment, it turns out the killers are going to cover up their murders by saying Sidney’s dad was driven insane and killed Sidney and himself to cover it up. Then why did they kill everybody else? Surely Sidney’s dad would have had an alibi for the first murder?
  • Killer left costume behind, the police don’t use this to check anything like hair etc to try and establish identity. Although the police can’t anyway because they handle it without gloves because they’re idiots.
  • The character of Dewey was originally supposed to be the classic good looking and athletic cop. Once they cast David Arquette they rewrote him as more of a bumbling idiot, that’s gotta be disheartening for him to hear. It’s like how Jack Davenport was told he was too good looking to play the lead in Hitchhikers Guide, I wonder how Martin Freeman felt about that.
  • “looks like you fingered the wrong guy, again” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve also done that.
  • It’s at least four.
  • “don’t worry, it’s school you’ll be safe here”. He has no idea school is like does he?
  • “what was it like to almost be killed?” Considering that interviewer is Linda Blair from The Exorcist, you think she’d know.
  • “Cotton’s in jail, they’re going to gas him”, ah, the old “dutch oven” method of execution.
  • Newsreader has an “OMG this person on death row might be innocent, I could save him” epiphany. Surely she already thought that considering she wrote a book saying he was innocent and shouldn’t be on death row?
  • “understand what? That I have a girlfriend who would rather think I’m a psychopathic killer than touch me?” Most people I’ve dated have been the same, although to be fair, I am a psychopathic killer, but they didn’t know that.
  • “I was attacked and nearly filleted last night”, but you don’t have a penis.
  • oh, filleted, not fellated, my bad. Easy mistake.
  • Fun fact, the cloak the killer wears was going to be white but was changed because it looked too much like KKK robes. I suppose even killers don’t want to be associated with those racist dickbags.
  • Fuck nazi’s. I can’t believe we’re at a point in history where that’s a somewhat controversial opinion yet it seems like it is. People got annoyed at the new Wolfenstein game because you could kill nazi’s in it as if that wasn’t the entire point of the games to begin with.
  • On that note, students get caught running through the halls whilst dressed a serial killer that’s on the lose, they object to being in trouble saying it was just a joke. At the time this made them seem like heartless assholes, now they just seem like ordinary twitter people, albeit ones who Donald Trump and Daily Heil will insult for being SJW’s.
  • Sidney walks into a toilet stall then 5 seconds later a conversation continues that was obviously happening before she was there, that delay is weird.
  • “homicide is a much healthier, therapeutic expression”, that’s what I’ve been telling people.
  • Why was the killer in the toilets? What was his plan? How did he know she’d need toilets, more specifically, those toilets? How did he even know it was her?
  • “you can literally feel the fear on this campus”, that would only be LITERALLY true if you were walking around wading through people’s fear-piss.
  • “now that her boyfriend tried to mutilate her, think she’ll go out with me?”. Oh he’s one of “those” guys isn’t he?
  • “It’s the Millenium, motives are incidental”, no it’s not, it’s 1996. I don’t say that 2017 is the same as the year in three years time, that’s why I have no idea what’s going to happen in three years time, I don’t have 2020 vision.
  • Nick Cave Red Right Hand. Nothing interesting to say here, just really love this song.
  • “If they make a movie about you who’d play you?” Is that a normal question to ask someone during a killing spree?
  • Joseph Whipp as the sheriff there, he obviously did such a great job as a police officer on Elm Street he got promoted.
  • Ben Affleck and Jason Lee were both considered for this film, all that’s needed is Jason Mewes and it would be a Kevin Smith movie.
  • Jamie Lee Curtis described as “The Scream Queen” there. About 20 years before she’d play a lead character in Scream Queens (which you should all watch, by the way, is superb)
  • “is that you Randy?” She then proceeds to have a slightly flirtatious dialogue with who she thinks is Randy after he’s been creepy. This is the second time in the film that’s happened, weird thing for him to be known for.
  • Shouldn’t the garage door have a safety feature to stop shit like this happening? Side note, how did nobody find her body throughout the rest of the party if that’s the only place there was beer? Was everybody tee-total for the rest of the night? Or did they see her body and think “oh, classic forgettable blonde character, she does this every time she gets drunk”. All jokes aside….then I’d have nothing to say, this death is fucking stupid.
  • Randy watches Sidney and Billy go up to a bedroom then says “I’m going to go check on him” like that’s not a creepy thing to do.
  • “this isn’t a movie”, wooo, if an actual screenwriter can use that line, then it’s perfectly okay that I did.
  • “why can’t I live in a Meg Ryan movie, or a really good porno” If I did this last year I’d have said it’s terrible that those two thoughts follow each other, since then I’ve had someone say “we’re releasing doves to commemorate my fiance’s death, me and you should have sex in those bushes”, so instead I’m going to hate the fact that this film reminded me of that. Also, don’t a lot of people still die in Meg Ryan movies? Just of slow depressing diseases? How is that better?
  • “I want to see Jamie Lee’s breasts, when do we get to see them?”, so this is what people did before the internet.
  • Watching Halloween and someone criticises it by saying “The blood is all wrong”, in a scene which contains no blood.
  • “what do I have to do to prove to you I’m not a killer?” Is that a normal question to ask in a relationship?
  • “oh my god”, a simple “look out” or “killer behind you” would have been more useful. But no, stay quiet whilst a knife-wielding maniac approaches your boyfriend from behind (not like that)
  • We later find out this death was faked and that’s fake blood on Billy’s chest. One question; how? Like how did they get him covered in fake blood that quickly? It wasn’t a blood pack taped to his shirt/skin as he’d just had sex so Sidney would have noticed (trust me, girls notice if you have fake blood duct-taped to your chest, and it really kills the mood during sexytimes, almost as much as referring to it as sexytimes)
  • Those bedroom doors lock from the outside, is that normal? Or is that something which hostage-takers have to pay extra for?
  • “watch out Jamie, behind you,” says Jamie Kennedy as the killer is behind him. Lol.
  • Kenny the cameraman checks outside when he suspects the killers aren’t in the house. Kenny is an idiot.
  • Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastard.
  • Sidney gets attacked whilst sitting in the front seat of a police car, don’t they normally have mesh wire up to stop this exact thing from happening?
  • Stu and Randy both claim each other are the killer and Sidney shuts the door on both of them. That’s kind of dickish, as she basically condemned the other one to death.
  • Hang on, wait a minute, didn’t Sidney already see film footage of the killer standing behind Randy earlier? So she should know he’s not a killer.
  • What a surprise, the two creepy characters turn out to be the killers. Actually, that is quite a good twist, as one of them was so obviously evil that it seemed like misdirection, and the idea of having two killers was revolutionary at the time. Although how did Stu get in if the doors were locked?
  • Killers decide to monologue instead of killing the main character. Have they never seen a Bond movie?
  • Killers discuss a motive, saying Hannibal Lecter and Norman Bates never had motives and we knew nothing about their past, ironically both have had prequels made about them, which renders that scene redundant.
  • They plan to frame Sidney’s dad and make it look like he killed everyone then shot himself, won’t the police be able to tell he didn’t shoot himself by the angle of the shot, fingerprints, and the fact his hands and legs are duct-taped together? And where did they pull him from? Has he been tied together in a cupboard all night? Whilst there was a party going on? So where he was somewhere no drunken teenagers would go during a house party to fuck, does such a room exist?
  • Billy and Stu stab themselves to make themselves look more like victims. 1) Actually a terrific scene, full of tension and drama. 2) Why didn’t they wait until everyone was dead before doing that?
  • Wild Gail Weathers appears, does nobody lock a door in this damn house? Do you want burglars? Because that’s how you get burglars.
  • Wild Gail Weathers used gun. But it’s not very effective.
  • Billy throws the phone and hits Stu in the head causing the response “you hit me with the phone you dick!”. Both of which were improvised, well one was, the “hitting another person with a phone” bit was just a fuck up.
  • Why did Sidney put on the Ghostface costume? A sense of drama? Odd fact, Skeet Ulrich had heart surgery when he was younger, so he now has metal wiring there which causes INTENSE pain when it’s touched. Another odd fact; when his character was stabbed with an umbrella the actor who did it couldn’t see properly, so hit him in the worst place possible, as such that scream you hear from him is genuine.
  • It’s now morning, and the ambulance is finally taking the stabbed people away. What took them so long? “there was a massive killing spree at a house last night, and we’ve got the guys who have been terrorising this town all week, should we go?” “I don’t know, I literally just sat down, I’ll just make a cup of tea, watch my shows, then we can go”
  • “like the plot of some scary movie. it all began with a scream”, hey that’s the title(s) of the movie!

So that’s that done. Pretty good film but not a good series starter, mainly because it doesn’t really set up the sequels that much so it seems like it was written as a standalone. On the plus side this means it doesn’t do any obvious sequel hooks which are annoying as fuck. It’s weird how much this changed horror movies. It was supposed to be the film that killed slashers as it made them look too silly, it just made them evolve, this was followed by lots of poor imitators and horror stayed self-aware and teenage until torture porn and found footage became popular. It’s odd as both of those seem to have died a few years ago with the decline in popularity of the Saw and Paranormal Activity franchises, yet they haven’t really been replaced yet by anything. There’s been a lot of attempts to kick-start a horror trend but none have really stuck, personally I think over the next few years horror is going to get a lot more political and heavy-handed in delivering messages. I don’t really care, as long as they make good films.

Why We Love….The Witches

1. The Story

Roald Dahl may have hated almost every film that was made of one of his books, but to me, they usually work pretty well. Willy Wonka will always have a special place in my heart (mainly because of Gene Wilder), and The BFG last year was so good it was described as

“fairy lights and sunshine on celluloid”

by someone incredibly important and intelligent (yeah, it was me). Am I missing any out?

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This film really speaks to me for some reason

Oh yeah, that one. So whilst Dahl hates them, films of his work are generally loved by people. That’s down to the worlds he creates, the fact he writes FANTASTIC child characters, and of course, the stories. With a lot of children’s books, you look at them as “books for children”, books which are fine if you’re young, but lose their magic as you get older. And the ones that don’t suffer from another problem; you can easily see their influences. You can read them and think “oh, the author obviously has read x before”. These don’t, they’re unique stories, wonderfully told, that’s why the films work.

2. It’s quite dark.

Well, I saw “quite”, it features a scene where the main villain changes a small child into a mouse. It’s not instantaneous, it’s like you can feel it happening to you, you can tell it’s not painless. It also features a scene where the villain tries to push a baby off a cliff. I love kids films like this, ones which you watch them as an adult and think “why did we let kids watch this?”. It’s kind of basically a kids horror movie (much like Goosebumps, which I still recommend everyone go see). I mean, the opening features a child being cursed so they disappear into a painting. That’s not a kids movie, that’s a fucking Twilight Zone episode.

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3. Ensemble Cast

Okay, the kids acting isn’t exactly good, but the adults are. Jane Horrocks is lovely and her silent disgust is evident throughout, Rowan Atkinson is good with the small amount he’s given. My favourite though is Mai Zetterling. This was one of her final films and she really shines, it makes me sad she wasn’t in more things. She’d have been perfect as Aunt May in a John Hughes made Spiderman movie in the 80’s (what a good idea for a blog that would be, that’s foreshadowing).

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4. Anjelica Huston

This film is hers. She doesn’t so much chew the scenery, as cut it into small manageable pieces and delicately nibble on it. She plays such an evil character with so much poise and sophistication (so much so that she doesn’t seem to walk, but glide) that she almost becomes likeable. I think she may be one of my favourite actresses, when she’s good she’s REALLY good. There’s this, The Addams Family, and 50/50, and I’m sure there are many others which I’ve yet to watch. She’s one of the few actresses I’d really love to be able to meet and just talk about her films with her.

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Side note, is it just me or did she have a resemblance to Anne Hathaway

5. Possible remake

Usually, I’d be set against this, but apparently, if it gets made it will be done by Alfonso Cuarón and Guillermo del Toro, with Jennifer Lopez as the main witch. I want that so much. And now I’ll end this the same way I end every day; with casual attempted infanticide.

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Blade Runner: 2049

Confession time; I have not seen the original film, and unlike Star Wars or Back To The Future it hasn’t really permeated pop culture that much. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware of the film, and it’s importance, and I understand a few references to it, but references to it aren’t quite as mainstream as they are to other films. This, combined with lots of people saying they didn’t understand this film and that it was too complex, made me think that I would hate this film. Not because of what the film is, but because I just wouldn’t get it. My response was going to be “it’s good, it’s just not for me, and I was really confused”. Well, I was confused, I was confused by the confusion. People are talking about it as if it’s a really complex plot where you have to pay close attention to everything in every scene and do a lot of research beforehand to understand, I knew nothing and still knew what was going on, it’s not that complex if you’re paying even the smallest amount of attention.

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“that fourth raindrop from the left is actually vitally important, if you miss that you miss everything”

Was surprised that Harrison Ford didn’t appear until MUCH later than I thought he would. I expected him to make an appearance at about the 1/3 mark. Nope, it was more like the 2/3 mark. Which was a bit strange as he was all over the marketing campaign and was the lead in the original, so a lot of people would have been waiting around him to appear. Although I suppose this did mean that by the time he did appear, everybody was already invested into the story, so he didn’t really take away from Gosling. Make no mistake, this is Gosling’s film, and he nails it. Although the supporting cast does a great job too, So many of your new favourite actress’s will be in this film. A lot of unknowns were cast, yet gave amazing performances. Ana De Armas and Carla Juri deserve special mentions. They both portray their characters with enough vulnerability to make them believable, yet enough determination that they fit this universe. Their characters were great too, you imagined they all had lives outside of this film, they exist on their own terms, not just related to the story.  It felt like you could write entire novels based around them.

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This scene is actually genuinely quite touching in the final film

The world itself was beautifully created as well, not just visually (although it was visually stunning), but also in terms of believability. Those of you who read the review of Valerian will know how important I consider world building to be, particularly in this genre, for films like this the universe it’s set in is almost a character in itself, so if you don’t do that well it really effects it. Done really well in this though, everything looks just dirty enough to be real, yet clean enough to be futuristic. On that note; this film looks SUPERB. You could pause this at almost any point in the film and use that as a poster. This, combined with Arrival last year must surely make Denis Villeneuve one of the best-regarded directors around.

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I also liked how the story threw a genuine curveball in the closing stretch. I do like a good twist if it’s well done. That’s the trouble with a lot of plot swerves, they come out of nowhere and make no sense. A good one makes sense, a GREAT one will be so logical you’ll feel stupid for not realising it sooner. So in summary, this is going to be one of those films that pretentious film buffs constantly try to show you, let them.

Creepy Songs For Creepy People

 

New York, New York – Polly Scattergood

The original of this song is almost the exact opposite; bombastic and large. This is just downright creepy. I used it in my showreel and it fit perfectly, timed blood dropping with the beats.

Polly – Amanda Palmer

Yet another cover. I swear this list won’t all mostly covers. I hope. I listened to this song 10 times in a row whilst I was writing Poppy Blooms; which probably explains a lot about that film.

Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright – Ke$ha

Yeah, another cover, and this time it’s by a pop artist. But trust me; this is hauntingly beautiful and is the entire reason why I think Ke$ha gets a lot more stick than she deserves. But you might already know this because if I have a conversation about music with anybody for more than 5 minutes I will bring up this song. And nine times out of ten I have to follow it with “no, seriously, trust me on this”. No music, just her voice gasping the words in your ear.

Where The Wild Roses Grow – Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue

From Ke$ha to Kylie, not the worlds greatest transition, but meh. There’s also a version of this somewhere done by a band who sing it in German. If you listen to that whilst walking through a graveyard at 4am, it will fuck you up. A really good murder ballad which must have taken incredible balls on the part of both performers, who both risked alienating their current fan bases.

Red Right Hand – Nick Cave

I know, two Nick Cave songs, that’s possibly cheating, but who cares? Kind of an unofficial theme song for the Scream film series, being remade/remixed for every entry, but none are as haunting, beautiful, and as “sound of being followed down a dark alleyway by someone with a knife” like as this.

Creep – Scala & Kolacny Brothers

Best known as “that song from that trailer, no, not I Feel Good, or Walking On Sunshine, the unhappy bleak one”. The original was quite creepy yet this makes it more so. They also did a cover of Muscle Museum which just takes on all kinds of an emotional journey.

Cities In Dust – Siouxsie And The Banshees

Oddly danceable, kind of like dark disco. Made an appearance this year in Atomic Blonde, which if you haven’t seen, you need to remedy that and see it immediately, a wonderfully made film with one of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard. And it means I won’t have wasted my time making sure I spelt Siouxsie correctly.

How We Got Through…September

A Drink Before The War

Pretty good read. Not something I would exactly call “fun”. Harsh, brutal, but extremely well written. A prequel (kind of) to Gone Baby Gone, which I really need to read some time.

Grabbers

The concept is better than the execution. Is about a place being attacked by aliens, but they’re poisoned by alcohol, so everyone tries to get drunk to stay safe. Great concept, but it didn’t really work for me. Think it’s because it didn’t really make use of the concept until more than half way through. A film like this is ALL about the concept, so you need to launch into it quickly, ideally, at the end of the first act, this doesn’t really do it until the last act.

Gremlins

Been a while since I’d seen this so had forgotten a lot about it. I remembered it being quite violent, I remembered gizmo being adorable, and, of course, I remembered the greatest scene in cinema history. But I had forgotten one thing; how superb the theme is. Seriously, listen to it, how is that never brought up when people talk about great movie themes?

Gremlins 2

Deliciously fun; starts with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, has Christopher Lee in it, and features a scene where Gremlins sing Frank Sinatra. Almost like a parody of the first film.

 

Logan Lucky

It goes nowhere, and is overly American to the point where it almost seems sarcastic, basically, it’s the film equivalent of NASCAR. I fucking hate NASCAR.

Man Up

First time I saw this I went into it with low expectations, I expected an okay but not great romcom, something very predictable and formulaic. Kudos to the script then for making it very very good. I have an unwritten rule for how you can judge a great script mixed with a great performance. So much so it’s easy to imagine that the lead actor wrote it, that’s how on-point Lake Bells performance is (she didn’t, Tess Morris did, but still). A great date movie for people who hate date movies.

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Patti Cake$

A lot better than I thought it would be. Has both a great and not great soundtrack. I mean, the songs are fantastic, but the music/story integration could be done better. You don’t really get the feeling that the film is influencing the music, or the other way round, they seem kind of independent from each other. Oddly enough, I think this is the only film I’ve seen this year which has had absolutely nobody in it who I know from another film.

Rough Night

A lot different than I expected. I think it’s R-Rated, and if so it really earns it. Wonderfully filthy and funny. Kate McKinnon’s Australian accent slips more than a pensioner walking on ice.

Super

Incredibly violent, kind of like a more realistic Kick Ass, showing how someone who wants to do that kind of thing obviously has some issues. Pretty good soundtrack too.

Superman: Doomsday

Did more with Doomsday in 20 minutes than was managed in the entirety of Batman Vs. Superman. Really looking forward to watching the rest of the DC animated universe, so far seems enjoyable and quite intense. I thought that it was a mistake killing Superman so early into the DC cinematic universe, but then I saw them do it here and realised the problem was just the film was very badly written. This one however is great, highly recommend watching this.

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I absolutely love this line.

The Best Of You

Unpopular opinion; I’m not a big fan of Foo Fighters. They’re one of those bands who I think could put together one really good album of their stuff, but otherwise their career has too many songs which are basically filler. This is one of them.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Not going to change anybody’s life, but very funny. Selma Hayek swears too much though, it’s like just her swearing was supposed to be a joke. I think you have to be careful with swearing in films, if you do it too much it just comes off incredibly juvenile.

The Limehouse Golem

Very British, very smartly made, and a great twist ending. Sadly whilst it is very well made, it’s not very memorable.

What We Do In The Shadows

Without a doubt the best vampire mockumentary from New Zealand that I’ve seen in a long time. Perfect film to put on whilst just need a laugh distraction from the relentless crushing existence that we call life in 2017.

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