Category: Liveblogs

My Own Personal Hell-oween: Day Three (Fantasy Island)

On By troubledproductionsIn My Own Personal Hell-oweenLeave a comment
  • I remember really disliking this film, let’s see if that’s changed.
  • Wait, is “Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island” the proper title? I know there’s been a few versions but usually you can distinguish them by the year for organisation purposes. You don’t need to clarify in the title, surely? When you do something like that it just seems like they know it sucks and they’re trying to make it good by making you think of something else they’ve done. It’s goodwill by association, and they’ve forgotten that I’ve already seen this film, so all it’s doing is bringing Blumhouse down in my eyes.
  • I actually paid to see this at the cinema, it’s the only film I’ve paid to see at cinema in years. Which might explain my anger towards it. Well it’s a combination of that, and the film itself.
  • The Blumhouse logo is well made but to me it’s far too busy.
  • wTo give you an idea of the quality of this film: Nicholas Cage turned it down.
  • A woman is being chased and she breaks into a house. Just because you’re going to die doesn’t mean you can break the law, lady! Two wrongs don’t make a right. Also it later turns out that she was kidnapped and taken to this island on a boat. But this scene takes place on the island. So how did she escape the first time? And why didn’t they show her initial kidnap instead?
  • “Mr. Roarke, the plane, it’s here”. Couldn’t even go with “the plane boss, the plane”?
  • Oh boy, Lucy Hale is in this. I haven’t seen her since Truth Or Dare, which was also directed by same guy who made this. This is sure to be great.
  • “smile everyone, smiles” So the idea is to make sure all the guests are welcomed by warm and happy faces? So why make it so all the staff look incredibly creepy?
  • At least this film kicks off quickly, once you get past the opening section it shows the guests landing very quickly. I mean, you still get the “the plane is here” scene, which, why? Is to show the boss? Why would you do that? You hold off on actually showing someone like that, surely? You build up a legend around him, and then introduce him. That way he gets cinematic power. You don’t get cinematic power by showing him doing admin.
  • The characters: Gwen (played by Maggie Q, which is possibly the coolest name ever), Melanie (played by the aforementioned Lucy Hale), Patrick (played by “No I’m not the guy from Avatar” Austin Stowell), and brothers JD and Brax (played by Ryan Hansen and Jimmy O Yang) who seem to have walked straight off an SNL sketch called “The Douchbros”
  • “I heard he brought it from the natives for six cases of rum” yeah, well I heard if two people close their eyes and pretend it’s someone else, it’s no homo.
  • “everything is possible” is it possible for this to be a good movie?
  • Also considering everything is possible, their fantasies are quite dull.
  • Creepy Michael Rooker is staring at them from afar.
  • I’m guessing Julia (the woman who welcomed them) is dying because she has a bloody nose. Which is the instant sign of death in a movie. Someone could get shot in the face and you’d wonder “hmm, they might survive”, but a trickle of blood from the nose? They’re doomed. Doubly doomed if they’re coughing (with the exception of that film: The man had a cough, just a cough and it’s fine)
  • So many of the hotel staff are hired purely because of how creepy they are. They only exist because this a horror movie.
  • “I’m double fisting” wait did I put in the wrong Fantasy Island?
  • “you two can take Patricks bungalow and he can bungalow with me” “I can get pretty noisy” Okay, even I would recognise those as come-on lines. Okay I’m about to mention something that I feel is going to come up A LOT in this, it turns out this whole thing was Melanies way of getting all these people killed because she holds them responsible for the death of a boy she liked. With that in mind you’d think she’d want to keep a slightly low profile. And definitely not ask personal questions because the more this group talks, the more chance they have of discovering their lives are all connected. All it would take is “oh I was at this hotel last year blah blah blah” and would be met with “no shit, us too” and then Melanie would either have to lie and say she was there, or be the only one not there, either way risks suspicion. She should want to isolate the other people, what she shouldn’t do is what she does here “so what’s your fantasy? That’s for the room actually”, a question which is just dying for at least one of them to mention the fire and how they could take it back.
  • Michael Pena’s Mr. Roarke makes an appearance. This would have a bigger impact if we hadn’t met him.
  • “You will begin your fantasies after a good nights rest”, one sentence later “your fantasy begins now”.
  • The lighting of this scene is horrible. It’s multicoloured bright lights but they’re so washed out that it almost makes everything fuzzy.
  • Their fantasy btw is “to have it all” which basically means a massive party. Obviously this goes wrong when it’s revealed the house they’re having the party on used to belong to a drug gang. Wait, what? How is that the natural conclusion? The logical conclusion would have been about the horror of long-term hedonism and the exhaustion of it. Basically this
  • Gwens fantasy is to have a do-over with one of her ex’s proposing to her. She’s confused because she knows that in a sense it’s not real. Although why is Roarke interviewing her when the island is supposed to magically know?
  • “I will try to make this work” but you said you had no power.
  • “This is fantasy island, it’s as real as you make it”, what a cop out.
  • “I’d ask you about your fantasy but you didn’t want to talk about it last night” oh yeah, that question never got answered on screen. So, what was the point of it? It just led to them discussing how they think it’s done, which they could have done anyway without that question.
  • Patrick wants to play army. He wanted to join but his mum wouldn’t allow him so he joined the police. There’s an obvious political statement there about how the police view themselves as the army instead of protectors or guardians, but that’s too deep for a film like this.
  • Despite never serving, he carries army dog tags around with him “for luck”. We later find out they belonged to his dad who was wearing them when he was killed. Not that lucky then. I tend to base my “lucky” jewellery around “did someone die while wearing this? If so, not lucky”
  • Melanie’s is to get back at a childhood bully. It later turns out she’s also getting revenge on everybody else, so does she get two?
  • Melanie’s former bully (Sloane) is there. And she seems surprised and says out loud she thinks it’s a hologram. Again, she planned all this and knows it’s not, so who is this for? I’ve seen some people defend this with “she was recording it on her phone” but she put her phone down after pressing record and walked away from it. So I doubt the phone will be recording her speaking in clear enough audio to make this charade worthwhile. The entire thing is like the twist ending was written by someone completely different from the rest of the film. And why record it anyway? Nobody else will ever see it it’s just for your personal use.
  • Sloane gets wet. Again I think I picked the wrong Fantasy Island.
  • “woah, that is not her husband” Do you keep up with who your bully is married to? Bit weird. Also, who recorded that? They would have had to do that BEFORE she got on the island and if the Island is only powerful in it’s own borders, then how did that happen?
  • The video of her cheating gets uploaded on facebook, suspiciously quickly. And her husband sees it, again, seemingly being controlled by the island.
  • Melanie looks shocked that it’s actually her (but only after somehow going from not knowing what the buttons do, to managing to switch to security camera footage from 2 days ago). Again, why is she shocked? I’m sorry to bring this up again but it’s so fucking stupid.
  • Brax had sex last night. Now, are they actual people? If so, do they have free will? What’s the consent situation?
  • “my life is not on hold because of you, it crushes because of you” weirdly poignant line there.
  • Gwen is still on her date. It’s the next morning in the other party. How exactly does time work? At some point in the future the fantasies converge into one moment, but they all started at the same moment and took different lengths of time to get to final point. HOW DOES THIS WORK?
  • “this is the reboot” subtle.
  • They set off grenades. Alerting the people in Patricks fantasy. See, the fantasies crossing over could be a really cool interesting idea, but it just fucks the timeline up for all of them.
  • “my fantasies didn’t involve bondage” mine do.
  • Melanie still has Sloane tied to a chair, so what exactly has she been doing?
  • “I wanted to humiliate her and make her cry but this is not what I meant” it was though. Sloane can’t see you so this isn’t to get her on your side, the guy you phone knows the truth, so again, WHO IS THIS FOR?
  • And now another Melanie fantasy, Dr. Torture. So she gets three of them? That’s just greedy.
  • Back at the party, and the people toting guns showed up. “sounds like Kalashnov, a businessman who owned the house. The problem with having it all is that others want it”. That’s….that’s not the natural ending to this fantasy. “Oh, I don’t want a big house and lots of parties because if I did then the former owner of the house will turn up and shoot me” is not a normal thought.
  • “what about that psycho stalker girl? The one who wrote the letters to everyone?” okay you know who Melanie is and that you went to school together. How do you now remember she was the letters girl considering that that was mainly how you knew her.
  • “unless your fantasy was to die, you better come with me” stays completely still what can I say, bro, it’s not a good time for me.
  • “dazed and confused, you know, like that movie that came out last year” Can you guys help me moving this expository dialogue? It’s way too clunky for me to handle on my own.
  • Patrick gets his own childhood nickname wrong.
  • “I was born premature and doctors thought I wouldn’t make it, you told me this every birthday”. How did that go? “Happy birthday, here are your presents, now let me tell you about how you nearly died”.
  • “our journey was long and hard” hah, he said hard, like a penis.
  • Patrick is trying to stop his dad from walking to his own death. Arguing that him dying made him a hero and if he walks away he’ll be a coward. I don’t get that logic.
  • “I love you both so much”, oh, you mean this guy you haven’t seen in years, and this “daughter” you met that morning? Lady you crazy.
  • We find Rooker’s character (Damon) was hired by someone to investigate the island. Who paid him? Moving on
  • Melanie walks up to the magic rock, exposing to Sloane that she was behind the torture. So convenient that it only showed that part and not anything else that will expose the reality. Lucky.
  • Gwen gets another fantasy. Because hers was “To change my biggest regret” and she’s now saying that the proposal wasn’t actually her biggest regret.
  • She puts her wedding ring down on the table. Oh no, not the wedding ring she’s had in her possession for a few hours. Oh no, she’s sacrificing so much.
  • She’s in a building which is on fire. But too late to actually stop the fire or save the person who died (Nick). So really the island really screwed her over for this.
  • She sees Brax and JD, who don’t question that she knows their name.
  • And then Patrick, who at least questions “do I know you”.
  • Patrick is show as a coward for not rushing into a burning building to save someone, saying should wait for the fire department. Actually a fair point as they’re the ones with all the equipment. This doesn’t make him a coward, it makes him someone who is not an idiot. Why not just make him a firefighter who is too scared to go in?
  • Brax shoots someone through a door. Very lucky he hit someone really.
  • “sounds like you were a real Ms. Teen Asshole 2009 back then” That’s actual dialogue spoken by a human adult in this movie.
  • The torture doctor is back, and is about to kill Sloane when Melanie stops him. Why? She wants Sloane dead, and having her killed by someone who will cause her immense pain is a great way to do it. Plus she’ll have plausible deniability.
  • Damon sacrifices himself by bear-hugging the torture doctor off a cliff. Could have just pushed him I dunno.
  • Brax’s fantasy gets invaded by Patricks. Patricks takes place in Venezuela, Brax’s doesn’t. Also there’s the time difference. If this film did a better job of tying them all together this could have been interesting, as it is it just seeems like they’re trying to think of an excuse to have them all meet.
  • All the bad guys die, yay. You know, the bad guys who are so faceless and nothing that they’re literally wearing masks.
  • Oh no, JD got shot to death. Ah well.
  • Patricks dad sacrifices himself to save everyone. By which I mean, he shot at people who can’t die, so really he did nothing. Also, does that change his real death? If that took place in the past, then was that the past in reality? Although it is strange that his death is treated with more “emotion” than JD, you know, one of the main characters.
  • Melanie provides the video proving that she saved Sloane. She could have just recorded that small bit, all the other “oh wow cool hologram” didn’t matter.
  • Sloane phones her husband telling her she’s been kidnapped. “why should I believe you?”. Luckily we can see him on camera, again, how did the island put cameras in his place?
  • She apologises to her husband for cheating on him, whilst also apologising to Melanie for bullying her. That’s how you can tell when an apology is genuine, when you can say it to two people at the same time.
  • And now everybody is back together. Could have had a more natural way of doing it.
  • “I put a kettle on for tea and left the burner on”. And that’s why you have electric kettles.
  • “you were there, you did nothing” probably because he was a cop not a firefighter.
  • Wait, this is Melanies fantasy, so why is she getting a rocket fired at her?
  • “It’s not a satisfying revenge if your victims are oblivious”. Okay, so that’s why Melanie kept Sloane alive. Although she did really luck out that none of them died in the other dangerous situations. And don’t give me that “her fantasy meant that none of them could die before she met them” because JD died.
  • They all split up, because obviously.
  • Patrick gets dragged underwater and then just stands up immediately like nothing happened.
  • Zombie JD head explode. He existed in this state for about 4 seconds. So added nothing.
  • Sloane Clone appears. Somehow she looks worse than the Sloane who has spent the entire film being tortured, who looks weirdly clean considering what she’s been through.
  • Patrick beats up a zombie version of his dad, whilst Gwen meets an undead Nick. So to summarise, you have all the characters except Melanie talking to dead characters/clones. Give me a little something different please.
  • Oh, Gwen also meets her not-daughter stabbing her not-husband. Considering they didn’t exist in those forms UNTIL the island, I can’t imagine this has the emotional impact you think it does. I mean, does she have nobody else in her life?
  • That’s it! That’s the issue. None of these characters feel like they exist outside of this film. Do they have jobs? What’s their social life like? We don’t know. We know almost nothing about these people outside of what is relevant to the film.
  • The Patrick one could have provided real emotion. He kills his zombie dad. Have him be in some form of emotional torment over this.
  • Melanie stabs Patrick to not death. Revealing that she’s behind this whole thing. In a reveal that actually gets stupider the more you think about it. She still doesn’t explain how she knew Patrick was the cop who didn’t go in. I doubt they would have named him in the newspaper report.
  • There is one good thing about this reveal, one truly brilliant and masterful thing that I am grateful for: it means the film is nearly over.
  • Gwen is at the magic water place that reflects her fantasy. Somehow the water knows that Roarke is looking at it from far away and starts reflecting his fantasy that Julia (his assistant) is actually his wife. Not sure how it reflected his and only his considering he was standing the furthest away.
  • So Roarkes fantasy is to get his wife back, but that keeps meaning she dies again and again from disease. This got to painful for him so now instead of courting her he keeps her as his assistant. I imagine having a woman you love and being unable to tell her, and have it so she doesn’t love you and yet still constantly sees you all the time, I imagine that would be more painful.
  • It’s revealed that Sloane hasn’t had a fantasy yet, she’ll get one if she drinks the water. Melanie is a fucking idiot and thinks “so this woman I tortured and am about to kill gets a fantasy? I’ll let that happen, no way this will can wrong”
  • Oh my gosh Sloanes fantasy involves Melanie dying. This is such a shock.
  • “Fantasy Fucking Island” weird, as that’s exactly what I say when I talk about this film.
  • The grenade comes out of the fountain so Patrick jumps on it to sacrifice himself. How did that grenade get thrown out of the fountain from underwater with enough force to break the surface? And all of them were near exit tunnels so they could have literally just walked out. His death is so needless.
  • “what’s stopping us telling everybody?” “fantasies are like dreams, you rarely remember the details”. Really? Because if I had a dream involving mass murder, I would remember it. Also, how is the island going to explain the actual deaths that happened? Brax stays on the island so that JD can come back to life, how is JD going to explain that if he can’t actually remember? Plus I’m assuming they told people they were going on holiday. So how’s that conversation going to go? “So, how was the holiday?” “I cannot remember, but I know my brother didn’t come back. Nah don’t bother asking the company any details” Everytime this film closes a narrative door it opens up fifteen windows.
  • Oh, Brax is nicknamed tattoo. I’m guessing that means something to people who watched the show, but considering the tonal difference, people who liked the show won’t like this, so who is it for?
  • And now my favourite part of the movie, the ending.

My Own Personal Hell-oween: Day Two (Wolf)

On By troubledproductionsIn My Own Personal Hell-oweenLeave a comment

Back in the day, I listed this as one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of become shorthand for “terrible film” in these blogs. I had hoped to have never had this darken my brain again, but needs must. But maybe I exaggerated how bad it was, maybe it’s not actually too awful and now I’m watching it with low expectations I will enjoy it, maybe even really love it. After all, I hated Supalonely back when I first heard it and now I love it more than I love myself (admittedly that’s not hard).

  • I am really hoping this film is better than I remember it being. There is a small chance that is the case.
  • “History is the truth they want you to remember. Legends are the truths they pushed too far. Myths are the truth they want you to forget”. Yup, the best way to make sure people forget something is to turn it into a myth so that everybody talks about it all the time.
  • “There is truth in all things” I KNEW my therapist was right and that everything is my fault.
  • I have never seen a person look so uncomfortable playing fetch with a dog.
  • Oh, the dog is called “boy”. Evidently the budget for this film didn’t extend to “dog namer”.
  • Come on Lee, don’t be negative, the film might still be good.
  • Oh fuck off. They cut mid-scene while a kid was about to stand up. Why? That’s an incredibly unnatural place to cut unless you’re REALLY good, and these guys aren’t good. They didn’t even check the colours are the same, it goes from a dark brown to smoked out colour. I’m not even joking, I’ll post two shots here, they happen practically next to each other.
  • That, that is unforgivable. There is no excuse. No editor who gets paid should put those two shots together and think that’s acceptable. A first year student film wouldn’t get away with that.
  • First death of the movie, the child (going by how this film named the dog, he’s probably called Child) gets killed off-screen. That was when the film lost me when I originally saw it. It seemed too obvious that it was done for lack of budget and because they lacked decent CGI.
  • Although considering how badly they fucked up a “person stands up” scene I hate to think what they’d do with CGI.
  • It’s fine though, they used sound to convey the death. Well I say death, it sounds like when my dad eats KFC.
  • Our first introduction to the main characters, one with his face mostly covered, both walking away from camera.
  • Well, they walk away from camera until they need to talk, when they need to talk they stand still because this film couldn’t do tracking shots. I remember that being an issue throughout this film, the static camera during dialogue scenes.
  • Oh, we have slight camera movement. Slight. Still not slight enough to not realise how unsteady it is though.
  • A standard dialogue scene, this should be impossible to be bad. It’s just people talking while standing still, how can that be messed up?
  • Oh, that’s how. These are characters we haven’t met yet, and yet when they start talking, the camera is never on them. It always cuts to them halfway through their line. It’s like they were filming it live and the guy on the board had slow reactions. They also randomly cut to other people for about a second.
  • “it feels strange being this far away from the wall” The one that Mexico will pay for?
  • Why does that guy look like he has spunk on the front of his armour?
  • “keep your eyes open” oh thanks for that, I was just going to walk around carrying this big spear not looking where I’m going.
  • Lens flare keeps appearing and disappearing mid-shot. JJ Abrams would have an anger wank.
  • “We’ll rest here”. Erm, you’ve been standing still, sitting down and eating in that spot for the last 5 minutes. Is that not resting?
  • “we don’t want the gods to curse us with snow” As someone who is currently watching this film, I know all about curses.
  • “it’s not the fighting I fear, it’s the unexpected” how about unexpected fighting?
  • I don’t remember any of these characters names so I’m just going to refer to who they look like poundland versions of: Zack Gibson, Generic bald man, Michael Douglas, Karen Taylor, Nick Helm.
  • They get attacked by the natives. Oh no, the invading army is being attacked by the people they are there to kill, this is such a horrible thing to happen.
  • Phew, the invaders one, massacring the people who call this country home. Yay?
  • Drone shot. That’s almost film-making there.
  • Oh, and now we have bad ADR.
  • “I am Germanic, not Pict” “you seem to know a lot about Picts for someone who’s not one”. Because nothing is a better sign of guilt than “knowing something”.
  • “footprints of animals, wolves, men” Manbearwolf!
  • “you can’t trust a Germanic”. Just say German. You’re speaking in modern English, you don’t care that much about anachronisms.
  • Also, that’s racist.
  • “when you look at me, what do you see?” Well I can’t get past that eye make-up to be honest.
  • “but when we draw swords” You’re supposed to be soldiers, why are you sitting around drawing pretty pictures with crayons? This is why the Roman empire failed.
  • A shaky cam shot of the fucking moon. Could you not get a tripod for that? Seriously.
  • “why would it tear them apart like that?” YOU’RE TEARING ME APART LISA!
  • “looks like the claws of a wolf” “what wolf walks on two legs?” Wolf from Gladiators?
  • “it was so fast and horrible” title of my sex tape.
  • “we take this down for the glory of Rome, for our glory”. Oh honey, you ain’t got no glory if you’re in this film.
  • Battle-trained soldiers there standing in that well-known formation of “all facing in the same direction, with the shields being held to the side, leaving your stomach exposed”.
  • This is such an exciting scene, people standing around, doing nothing.
  • “hunting is our speciality” mine’s risotto. Some may argue it’s less useful, but out of me and every Roman soldier, I’m the one with a high score on Pac-Man.
  • Wooo we get to see The Orb. Or in technical terms “stand in a circle”, via flashback. I mean, there was a battle scene earlier that you could have demonstrated it in. And it would have been much more natural than “remember when we used The Orb before and it saved us?” like some lame clip show episode.
  • They’ve been standing in the dark now for at least 10 minutes. It’s a sub-90 minute film. I’ll leave it up to you to ascertain whether I thought that was a good use of time.
  • The “werewolves” move too fast to be seen, only made clear by camera swooshes that are too quick for any of those trained soldiers to see them. Except for when we actually see them, when they’re just running back and forth like drunk students.
  • There is no way they are fast enough to drag someone away without you being able to slice at them.
  • Phew, they’ve stopped standing around in the dark. They’re now walking in the dark.
  • “A little bit of snow and that thing is still out there”. Wouldn’t snow on the ground make it easier to track something?
  • It’s now daylight, they’re still standing around. Have they been like that all night?
  • Her make-up is doing a stunning job of staying streak-free during all this.
  • “there was more than one, I swear it”. Well, yeah. We saw three of them at the same time. Was there any doubt there was more than one?
  • “That’s not the Roman way, we offer peace first, war second”. By peace they mean “allow yourself to be ruled by us”. So it’s not really peace, just a decision on how to accept invasion. If I went up to someone and said “Give me your money or I’ll shoot you in the face”, the fact they handed over their money and I didn’t shoot them does not make it a peaceful transaction.
  • “I thought I saw something in the trees”, yeah they’re called leaves mate.
  • “if we can train them to fight for us, or unleash them on our enemy” I’d argue those two things are very similar.
  • “that thing took us all on and we barely survived” and you think you could train it? Are you an idiot?
  • “I’d say the gods are angry”. Why, have they been watching this film too?
  • Apparently being sent to Britain was basically a punishment as it was such an awful and desolate place. Thus proving that the Romans made it to Rochester.
  • “who would live here?” SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS
  • “He knows something” *five seconds pause” “I do”. Well that was worth the wait.
  • One of the women strip off and we have one of the few things worth watching this film for. No, not those, you perverts. The make up. She has scratches on her back and they look magnificently brutal and real.
  • “there is an evil in the black forest” That’s just what they tell you to keep you away from the gateau.
  • “More ramblings from the old man, should have killed him”. And how does that tie into the “we offer peace” thing?
  • “then why did you choose to be here?” “I didn’t, the council chose for me”. Bloody council, did they catch you putting the bins out on the wrong day again?
  • “this is insane” he says crying, then immediately is back to normal.
  • “What kind of a man are you?” A twat.
  • “these things move so fast” they don’t though, we’ve seen them.
  • Oh good, more standing around. This time with added spittle on beard.
  • No idea what frame rate they were using but some of these shots are jerkier than Jamaican chicken.
  • I think not-Michael Douglas died. He got separated from the group. Because that’s something a highly trained group does when they are walking slowly, lose people.
  • “he was hurt by the thing when we were in the orb” that was ages ago though wasn’t it?
  • Oh good, bourne-style shaky cam of someone standing still. Exciting!
  • “You don’t want to do this?” what’s that, watch this film? I’m well aware of that thank you.
  • That snow cleared up fucking quickly by the way. Almost fully green scenery now.
  • Wth is that accent? That could be said at almost any point during this film by the way.
  • “you have always been the better soldier” if only we saw some evidence of that. Like start in Rome, with him getting a commendation or something, then land at the English shore after hearing reports of violent attacks on the soldiers stationed there. Despite being the invading army, it nearly always feels like they’re on home turf in this film. Probably because they all have English accents.
  • They’re not werewolves, they’re just naked people. Not even hairy.
  • “they want us to turn” It’s normally bears that do that (or otters, or cubs), and usually only with consent.
  • Oh no, thingy died. He was stabbed by what’s his name.
  • Thankfully it’s near the end so I should mention the other things that have been prevalent throughout: bad performances, different background audio between two shots set in the same scene, heavy breathing.
  • The surviving Romans are all banging. Not in a sexy way.
  • We finally get our first clear shot of a werewolf. It’s a normal person, only with dirt, and bad fake teeth. And they’ve gone from “we’ve stabbed them but we can’t harm them” to three of them being killed in quick succession really easily.
  • And the bald guy is now dead. That’s all the men dead now.
  • Ohhhhh I remember how this film ends now. It turns out women can’t become werewolves so if they survive the bites they’re fine. Neat idea, never explained.
  • “we do not fight with wolves”, smart, using swords is a much smarter idea.
  • Yup I was right, the women don’t turn. This is explained off camera, because the camera is far more focused on seeing people have this explained to them than have us see the person speaking it.
  • And this ends with a knife in the head. Sadly not in mine, so I will still remember it exists.
  • The cast for this film included the director and the editor, explains a lot. Helps contribute to the “student film” feel of it, only this was not student, this was a professional film. And it fucking sucked.

I stand by my original review

My Own Personal Hell-oween: Day One (Truth Or Dare)

On By troubledproductionsIn Liveblogs, My Own Personal Hell-oweenLeave a comment

So it’s a Halloween tradition for me to live-blog a horror franchise every year. In the past, I’ve done Nightmare On Elm Street, Scream, Child’s Play, Saw, and Final Destination. Now I’ve wanted to do Halloween for a long time, but because the final one of the new trilogy isn’t out until next year that means I will have to delay it. There are similar issues with other horror franchises, and with some there’s the trouble of actually getting hold of them, I’m not paying full price for some films which I know will be terrible so unless I can get them on discount or they become available online I won’t bother (hello Leprachaun). So for this year I’ve decided to do something a bit strange. In 2018 I switch focus for this site and instead of “a post a week” I went with the much more insane “review EVERYTHING” which I’ve done since then. If I keep that up until January it will be four years of doing that, which is weird when you think about it. So I’ve decided to commemorate this by doing this project; where I will live-blog a horror film from each year that I’ve been reviewing. Now I could do it with good films, and fall in love with them all over again. But that’s not as fun (Side note: “too good to live-blog” is what stopped me going with Fear Street trilogy for this year, which was one of my original ideas). Nope, I’m going with terrible ones. In some cases these will be the worst film I saw that year. It might not (I genuinely have no idea what films I’m doing for this, and won’t until I start them).

So I’m going to start with 2018, the options were:

Winchester

Secret Of Marrowbone

For some reason my brain bundles those two films together. Instead of those I’m going with something truly awful, a film which I’m not entirely sure why it exists, but it does, and we have to suffer. So here goes: Truth Or Dare

  • First off, this is a PG-13 film, which is always a good sign for a horror movie.
  • A woman buys cigarettes scary voice in Mexico.
  • The guy behind the counter answers the phone and is compelled to ask her “Truth Or Dare”. He then hangs the phone up on the counter, which is weird because he answered it from the wall. In the next shot she’s setting fire to the building, so she’s obviously chosen dare. I mean, Truth would have been better surely as he’s a stranger so no harm telling him many things. I haven’t seen this film since I watched it at the cinema, so I don’t know how they work around the “everybody would just chose truth”. I think there was a “no x Truths in a row” rule implemented. Which is clearly just the film-makers trying to close a loophole that is clearly far too open for the film to work without closing it.
  • Oh she’s not burning the building, she’s burning someone. Logic dictates it will be the store clerk, as he’s the only person we’ve seen before. But nope, it’s a woman we don’t know. Why didn’t we start the film focused on her, have her walk into the building, THEN have Giselle (who’s the firestarter, the twisted firestarter) appear and set fire to her? Have it come out of nowhere. That way it turns the death not just into a “aaaa spooky death” but into a “oh no, I really didn’t want that character to die, I was JUST getting to know them”.
  • We’re introduced to Olivia, played by Lucy Hale, talking about the joys of building houses for people and how good it will make you feel. Something about that seems so insincere.
  • We’re then introduced to Markie, who in her first scene tells Olivia that she cancelled her “Habitat For Humanity” project so that they could all get drunk together on Spring Break (woo).
  • I hope Markie dies early on because she reminds me too much of someone from certain “movies”, and I won’t be able to shake that.
  • They managed to convince her to go by saying that the four of them (oh yeah, two other people turned up) will build homes this summer if she comes with them. So if they’re ALL going to be free for two weeks that summer, why not go then? Is it because it’s not SPRING BREAK WOOOO? If so, that’s kind of a pathetic thing. It’s one of those things that I see referenced in US TV shows all the time but I just don’t get. Along with: Sweeps, Arbor Day (or considering how they pronounce Herb could it be harbour day?), not wearing white after a certain day, and how going bankrupt so you can afford insulin is actually a good thing really and anybody who tells you otherwise is a dirty communist antifa gay muslim atheist.
  • And now a few more people have joined up. I can’t be bothered to learn their names though.
  • We then get a montage of them drinking in Mexico and “having fun”. But it’s PG-13 fun, so while they’re drinking they’re not really being “drunk”, they’re not peeing anywhere, not really stumbling, or vomiting. They’re just going “wooo I’m drunk”. Stupid rating. There is an “uncut” version which adds like 30 seconds, most of that added stuff is just the cast drinking alcohol. Because obviously in a film about death and curses, you can’t show people drinking alcohol.
  • “youtube are for volunteer stuff, snapchats are for fun” Not my snapchat.
  • Olivia pulls Markie away from a guy she was dancing with, who keeps dancing almost like he didn’t notice she wasn’t there anymore. It wasn’t even full on grinding.
  • A douche called Ronnie comes up, I think he’s supposed to be drunken dickhead normally played by a jock in films, but in this he’s played by a guy who looks like he would normally be the nerd in an 80s film.
  • A Daniel Radcliffe motherfucker turns up (Carter) who then buys Olivia a drink. And I notice that it’s really difficult to film bar scenes well as since Olivia is standing up the bar almost comes to her neck and it makes her look tiny compared to everybody else in the scene who is sitting down and leaning on the bar.
  • Carter suggests a place they can all go to continue the party. “it’s a bit of trek”. If they were really all that drunk, I imagine trekking across a rocky terrain would result in more injuries than it does. None of them seem drunk at all.
  • They start drinking from a cooler of beers that was in the church. Because obviously you can trust drinks you find lying around, it’s fine guys, they were put there by Carter, you know, the guy you all just met five minutes ago.
  • Ronnie’s turned up, he followed them. They all just accept it. There must have been a more natural way to get him there. Just have him tag along from the bar. Having him follow them, in the dark, with NONE of them noticing just seems stupid.
  • “you can’t keep Ron-Ron from a party”. It’s true, that’s a scientific fact. Newton’s Douche Law.
  • “Truth or dare, it’s a game where you can expose your friends deepest secrets” I imagine if they’re keeping deep secrets from you, it’s probably for a reason.
  • “make them do things they don’t want to” Seems a little rapey.
  • “that actually does sound kind of interesting” nope, still sounds super fucking rapey.
  • The first Truth is “aliens either kill everybody in this room, or the whole of Mexico”. A bit dark. That would not be the first question you ask in a drunken truth or dare as it would kill the mood. You’d ask something fun or flirty. This is only there because Olivia chooses Mexico because “I’d risk my friends lives to save millions” comes back at the ending in the stupidest fucking way ever.
  • “are you aware that Olivia is in love with your boyfriend?” These people fucking suck at this game. Every truth is just passive aggressive questions to divide everyone.
  • “I dare you to stop selling prescriptions to freshmen”. Aren’t those dares normally “do something now”. Not “improve your life”. What’s next? “I dare you to stop drinking and start applying yourself in school”
  • “Maybe I’m bi-curious” after that weak-ass kiss? Nah.
  • Carter is asked “what are your intentions with Olivia?” and he admits he targeted her because she was obviously a pushover and he needed someone to bring friends with them to play Truth Or Dare with because he doesn’t mind strangers dying if he gets to live. He then runs off but not before telling Olivia that if you break the rules (or lie) you die. I’ve watched enough Taskmaster lately to realise that he could have answered that and kept to the rules if he just said “To play Truth Or Dare with”. That way the game could have continued longer.
  • “remind me again why I didn’t go to school thousands of miles away from my overbearing and homophobic father?” Probably so you have an excuse to get that clunky dialogue out there. Although I have to say this is probably the best character work in the movie.
  • Markie is watching a video of her dad, which can only mean he’s dead. She bursts into Olivia’s room causing a jump scare. A weird jump scare actually as we get the bang, and then the door slowly opens.
  • “ever since my dad killed himself” oh good, the exposition fairy has arrived.
  • “You know what, you’re crazy, but I happen to like crazy so do you want to go for a drink?” I can’t imagine that working.
  • Oh man I forgot the Truth Or Dare filter. Okay so basically a lot of people in this film get this weird thing on their face which just looks stupid. It looks like a bad snapchat filter.
  • “Markie is constantly cheating on Lucas” damn Olivia, you’re in a library, use your indoor voice.
  • “I just want to show you my pool cue, by which I mean my penis”. So subtle.
  • We get the filter, and Ronnie doesn’t notice the weirdness of the face so just jumps up on the table when she dares him to take out his penis.
  • The filter appears on Ronnie’s face, indicating he’s “possessed”, whilst possessed he purposely walks on a pool ball which causes him to fall breaking his neck. First off: NOBODY noticed the weird face, or the distortion on his voice. Secondly: why was that needed? Either have it appear naturally Final Destination style, or (and what I would have done) have someone else be possessed and roll a ball on the table which he trips on.
  • “so they made you tell everyone that Markie is a cheating whore?” Are these people actually friends? Because it doesn’t seem like they are.
  • The group (except Markie the whore) are all sent the video of Ronnie dying. Who sent that to them? I know these characters are awful, and I know some people would film it. But why would they send that around? At most you’d post it online. Also, who sent it to them all? One of them seemed to have been sent it by Beth, but did she just group text a death video? Bit weird. Also the video is way too high a quality to be believable, and weirdly the only audio we get is Ronnie talking, we get zero background noise, in a busy bar.
  • Oh, Lucas wasn’t there either. I know that because he’s arrived there now. Which says everything about how well-developed the characters are.
  • Lucas slowly and painfully gets the words “Truth Or Dare” carved onto his arm, which then disappears almost immediately. No blood. Just slight grazing by the looks of it.
  • Lucas gets asked “How do you feel about Olivia” and goes on a long poetic spiel about how he likes her, on the phone to her. He could have just said it after muting the microphone. Still would have counted.
  • “I tried to ignore the question and it ended up burnt into my arm” oh it was burnt, not cut. That’s actually lamer. Also, what the hell demon ghost thingy? He ignored it once and ended up in physical pain whilst Olivia ignores it for over a day and nothing?
  • “you ruined my relationship!” There’s actually a very simple way to make sure that nobody tells your boyfriend not to cheat on him. A very very simple way. Place a curse on the truth so that anybody who tells it commits suicide. Or don’t cheat. I suppose that works too.
  • “You can’t be alone, your turn is next”. The very next second she gets a text asking her truth or dare. This demon ghost has got great timing.
  • She gets dared to break Olivia’s hand, and goes from “I don’t believe this is real” to hitting her with a hammer very quickly. All it took was one sentence “You’re a coward just like your dad”. Again, are these people actually friends? And how come she didn’t get killed for saying no and delaying?
  • Brad is next, and gets dared to tell his (homophobic) dad that he’s gay. This could be an incredibly tense scene where we get to see the fear that he feels about telling him, we’d see his fathers reaction in real time, and how Brad would react to his fathers reaction. But nope, it all happens off screen so we get none of that. Incredibly poor decision not to show that.
  • “that’s another $1,000 in credit card debt” That sentence being said as a response to a broken hand is the scariest thing in this movie.
  • His friends reactions to him coming out to his dad are basically “meh”. Like they don’t get how big a deal that is. They don’t comfort him at all, they just say “he didn’t know?”
  • Tyson next. You know, the forgettable white guy. He’s the not-yet doctor who has been selling medication to teens.
  • He gets Truth Or Dared by a woman interviewing him. He lies, jams a pen is his eye, then headbutts a wall killing him. It’s a strange mix of blood-filled and tame, probably because the blood we see we only see under the door.
  • “Did you try using google?” oh, what a brilliant idea, I never would have thought to have searched for someone using google. What a brilliant mind you have.
  • We see the opening scene with the fire, this time from security footage. So we’re reeseeing what we saw earlier, her interaction with the clerk. See, if the opening scene was from the perspective of the woman set on fire, this would be a reveal. Especially if we didn’t see who set the fire, it would have meant that when we first met Carter we would have guessed it was him who set the fire, then this would have revealed that the game has more people in than we thought. As it is she was just forgotten about for over 40 minutes.
  • “I know the game dared you to set that woman on fire” okay, and what was next dare? It’s gone through this entire group in a loop since then, so she must have had to do something.
  • “screw you!” Couldn’t even say fuck. What the frick?
  • Someone (I genuinely can’t remember her name) is dared to walk around the roof of the house while drunk. Now, if she failed the dare, would that count as not doing it?
  • Okay her name is Pen.
  • The group walk around the exterior of the house with a mattress to catch her if she falls, but they then get trapped by a fence blocking their way. It’s their house, did they forget they have a fence? It’s their house.
  • She finishes the bottle of vodka she has to drink and then falls off the roof. Yay she beat the dare.
  • I would remove all the bad things I have said about this movie if she just straight up fucking died from alcohol poisoning right now.
  • She doesn’t. In fact she seems to have sobered up by the time they go to meet Giselle.
  • Oh so now Pen dies, she jumps in front of a bullet fired by Giselle and meant for Olivia. Well I say “jump”, she kind of walked into it, kind of looked like Olivia pulled her in front of her to be honest.
  • Since that happened, she failed the dare, and Giselle is forced to kill herself. Thus ending her screen time incredibly quickly and making me wonder what the point of her was.
  • Markie and Lucas share an awkward glance. Side note, this film has not really brought up how they are reacting to each other now. She cheated on him, he knows, so what is their deal now? We don’t know. Such a waste, there’s almost no tension between them now, almost like the relationship didn’t matter at all.
  • “he didn’t know where the was” wait, the possessed homeless guy was confused? Shocking!
  • Olivia and Lucas are dared to have sex. Lucas is then dared mid-coitus to admit who he really loves. Which is Markie. This is bound to create tension between Lucas and Olivia, this changes EVERYTH-oh wait, nope they’re not interacting like normal.
  • Markie is asked by her dead dad why she keeps the gun he used to kill himself. What exactly was painful about her admitting that? There was nobody there. Was it just so we could find out that she has thought of using it on herself? Almost definitely. Oh, and probably so we can reference the gun.
  • What happened to that Habitat for Humanity thing? I feel that could have come back in a good way. Have a truth based on that somewhere.
  • “But the priest who ran the convent liked to play his own game. He let us hide but then he took the one he found”. Ah, that old game Hide and Child Rape. Good thing the church doesn’t have any sexual assault issues anymore.
  • “we suffered in silence, then one of the girls summoned a demon named Calux” Typical teen, can’t sort their own problem out, always summoning a demon to do their stuff for them.
  • “Wait, how did you and the others escape?” you have to write the answer? You didn’t expect that to be their first question? Did it take you an hour to write that whole thing? It was like 3 pages.
  • “we sealed the demon in a pot” and then just left the pot there? Didn’t think it was worth keeping an eye on it so nobody could damage it? If you have a demon in a jar, you keep hold of the jar so nobody could break it, surely?
  • “the demon was released and possessed their game of truth or dare” why didn’t it just possess the person who broke it? Also, why wasn’t this woman involved in the game once it restarted?
  • “We have no idea who Sam is”. How have you not figured out that Sam is Carter? Damn you’re stupid.
  • Brad is dared to steal his dads gun and make him beg for his life. Obviously this results in him getting shot. I’m not sure what the demon wants, does it want people to die, or does it want them to play the game? The motives aren’t clear at all. Also, there’s no indication that their relationship was changed by Brad coming out to his dad. So what was the point of that?
  • Markie’s dad attempted to rape Olivia, and that’s why he killed himself. A smart film would let this moment linger, this film moves straight on and has Markie leave.
  • “I told him you’d be better off if he was dead”, damn, that’s how you kill a friendship. And a friends dad too I guess.
  • Why exactly is Olivia being questioned by police? This is Final Destination all over again, the deaths are all treated as accidents in universe. From the police POV: Brad stole his fathers gun and threatened to shoot him, then got killed by another officer. Olivia wasn’t there when it happened, joining the moment halfway through. So what exactly do they think happened that makes her guilty?
  • The police have a weird amount of detail on who was playing the game. Evidently Sam and Giselle registered their game of Truth Or Dare with the international Truth Or Dare league.
  • “Am I being charged?” “not yet” “okay then I’m going”. Yup, that’s totally how it works. The police just let you walk away from them all the time.
  • “Carter is Sam” oh no, what a complete surprise that was in no way predictable.
  • “Three of my best friends are dead because of you”. Hang on: 1) Tyson with the pen in the eye. 2) Giselle being shot. 3) Brad shot by police. 4) Ronnie. I get he’s probably not counting Ronnie as a friend, but bit harsh to leave him out. Of course if he said “Four of my best friends are dead” then I would have pointed out how they weren’t friends with Ronnie. So really this film can’t win.
  • Side note: I had to actually read the synopsis to count the dead bodies, which is good as I completely forgot Tyson.
  • “Try me, I dare you!” Eugh, I audibly sighed there
  • “Say it seven times” Good thing I’m not in this film as I’d say “it, it, it, it, it, it, it”. I’m such a dick.
  • You would have thought the ritual for trapping a demon would be much simpler so that demons can’t win so easily. It’s like the good guys don’t want demons to be captured.
  • Actually who came up with the ritual? Who decided that was the only way to capture that demon?
  • “why did you choose dare?” “so you guys would be able to pick truth” But you’re JUST about to end it. Choose truth and just take your time answering and this film is over (that’s good) and you all get to live (that’s bad).
  • “you’re such an idiot” you all are.
  • “I will murder everyone you’ve ever known” Is that a promise? Hah, sucks to be you Mr. Fluffkin my fifth year maths teacher.
  • Olivia uploads a video onto youtube of her asking the audience Truth Or Dare. So the happy ending is that the entire world is doomed but Olivia and Markie have a delayed death. Yaaaaaaay mass deaths. Also, that’s not how that game works surely? Surely you need to consent to play it? You can’t just say “truth or dare” and then they’re automatically part of the game, right? Otherwise Carter/Sam’s dare to find new people to play would have been a lot fucking easier. Also, how does that work in terms of timing? Like what order does it go in?
  • To summarise: Olivia’s character arc is that she learns it’s okay to kill the entire world if your friend gets to live a little longer. Yay?
  • FINALLY it’s over.
  • Long time readers of this site will know that I will forgive a bad film if it’s obviously made with passion. I like when a film obviously has that “The writer/director” NEEDED to make this film” feel to it. This film was based on the title. The writer was told “Make a film based on Truth Or Dare” and came up with this. That feeling of “will this do?” permeates the entire film and makes it feel weak as hell.
  • Personally I wouldn’t have made it supernatural. Have a guy kidnap people and force them to play it in a locked location. Alternatively, have it in a haunted house. But importantly, keep it to one location. You need that tenseness to it. If the whole thing took place in a single location, possibly in real time, you’d have something unique and terrifying.