5 Video Games We Need Sequels/Remakes Of

On June 15, 2020 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

Very similar to the last one, only this time it won’t be franchises I’m looking at, I’ll be focusing on one-off games that for some reason never got a sequel. Here I’m mainly looking at the very weird, and the incredibly wonderful. The newest game here is 18 years old, so I think it’s safe to say that for all of these if there was going to be a sequel it would have happened by now. I mean, can you imagine doing a sequel in 2020 to something released in the ’90s? It would never work.

Space Station Silicon Valley (N64: 1998)

Okay, this is a weird game (expect that to be a recurring theme throughout this blog btw). Originally released in the late ’90s, when Sega was still a big deal, and the PlayStation was huge. The video game market was huge at the time in terms of variety, you had games where you could control a wide range of white people, muscle-bound men, heavily chested women, all of them were seen by marketers as the pinnacle of humanity. It’s in this environment where this game was released and you controlled……a computer chip. You see, this game is populated by robotic animals so you can jump into any dead robot animal and control them. It’s a wonderfully unique system which leads to different ways of playing the game. Every animal has two special skills, fox’s for example, can use a rocket boost, kangaroos can punch, sheep can go “baa” (oh, and they can float). This game is perfect for a reboot because of the animals, the merchandise potential is huge (50 animals-50 funko pops). Even if it’s not this game exactly, the idea of controlling a computer chip in a world of robots is brilliant. Can you picture that in an open-world game? The possibilities it will open up are endless and the potential for DLC is staggering.

B.O.B (SNES: 1993)

Yup, another robot game. This one’s a platformer though. It has a weird sense of humour that’s kind of charming (the game starts with the main character crashing his dad’s space car into an asteroid whilst on a date). It’s a standard platformer but because you’re controlling a robot it means you have access to different attachments including helicopter blades, trampolines, etc. It has a good health system too, you gain health by just going into recharging points. This makes sense as, you know, it is a robot. I kind of love the look of it too, it has a kind of electric plant look. Look at the picture above, that’s how it deals with inside scenes, now look at the outside ones:

I love the level of detail on everything, it makes it feel, I dunno, “squelchy”? So the whole thing feels alive, it feels like the character is on an alien world full of life. Now if this were to be remade today I’m not sure how it should be done, a 3D one would be kind of cool but I feel it would risk losing some of the charm it has. Plus some graphical styles only seem to work 2D, if this went 3D they’d either have to make it cel-shaded, or *shudders*, realistic. You need to keep this simple and fun, but I feel you could lean into making it funnier; maybe lean into making it more of a Metroid parody.

Glover (N64/Playstation: 1999)

I’ll admit I haven’t actually played this game. It’s a late replacement for Zombies Ate My Neighbours, which I only today found out had a sequel to Ghoul Patrol, and as such isn’t eligible for this blog (shame as I LOVE LOVE LOVE that game). So, what causes this game to warrant a mention despite never having played it? Well, you play a glove, and the point of the game is to get a ball to the end of the level. Admit it, that is SUPER unique. You could even make that game a VR one with motion controls in the modern era. It’s not the most famous glove in video game history, that would be the power glove, and how was that received?

Oh, not good then. So yeah it’s safe to say this is probably the best-received videogame based glove of all time. I admit that’s an extremely low bar but still.

This is a weird game, but it would also be a lot of fun for drunk people to play together. Do short levels where people make asses of themselves in front of their friends.

Blast Corps (N64: 1997)

This is a strange game, but once I tell you the premise of it you’ll wonder why it’s not been done since. Here goes: you have to destroy buildings to stop a runaway nuclear missile hitting them. Yes, it’s incredibly 90’s but it’s just so satisfying. In many ways it’s a puzzle game, you have to figure out the best way of achieving the goals with the tools at your disposal. And there’s a lot of tools (insert obvious joke here) for you to play with. Bulldozers, giant robots, the A-team van, all of them you can use. Personally, I feel that’s the games biggest weakness; there’s no consistency between levels. You’ll be driving a bulldozer in one level and the next one you’d have to attempt it with a dump truck when it would have been easier with the aforementioned dozer. There’s no reason given for you abandoning the vehicle at the end of every level and it’s just kind of weird as it makes no sense for the story. This is the biggest change I’d make. I’d also attempt to link the levels somehow so it’s a semi-open world. So each level is distinct but you drive through tunnels to get to the next one whilst it loads, giving the appearance of one continuous level (similar to how they did it in Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland). Have it so you can have any vehicle you’ve unlocked if you choose, BUT either have it so you have to pay attention to petrol levels, or have vehicle wear and tear so you don’t use the same one again and again.

Eternal Darkness (Gamecube: 2002)

Eternal-Darkness-Bathtub — Would you believe that this moment FUCKED ME UP when I first played it?

Obviously, I was going to mention this. A psychological horror game where you have a sanity meter, and when that depletes, well, shit gets weird. By which I mean:

A character dramatically changes size, growing to become a giant, or shrinking to become tiny.
Blood drips off the walls
Paintings change from idyllic landscapes to hellish ones.
Statues come to life and look at you as you walk past them.

So far, so standard, right? I mean, it’s a neat quirk but nothing game-changing. But then it gets MUCH better when it doesn’t just get weird for the character, it does for the player too. It’s great as it starts messing with your head as you play it. Here are some of my favourites:

The screen goes blank, making it seem as if your TV has turned itself off.
The volume suddenly lowers.
The camera begins tilting.
The game will appear to reset.
A fly starts walking on the screen.

That last one genuinely got me, I went up to the screen and tried to swat it way. Clever bastards. I think this is a great idea and one I’d love to see implemented (why the Resident Evil or Outlast franchises haven’t done something similar I have no idea). It’s even more puzzling when you consider the multiple new ways players can be messed with. Just off the top of my head:

Lost internet connection.
Fake messages from your contacts.
Deleting all your games.
A message from the police saying they’ve found illegal content in your internet history (for PC version)

Even better (but MUCH trickier to do) would be to have it connect to a camera that is directed at the player and shown onscreen (like when you watch a lot of streamers on twitch etc). Then have THAT screen get fucked up, make it look like things are appearing behind them etc. This will also REALLY add to the experience of watching them being streamed. Another way; if people have headsets on where they’re talking to people then have fake voices on it. Now, these suggestions are intense and could lead to issues, but just imagine how shit scared you’ll be playing them.

That’s that done, which obvious ones did I miss? I know I’m probably missing A LOT of sega and PlayStation games, so let me know.

5 Video Game Franchises We Need Reviving

On May 20, 2020May 20, 2020 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

So during this lockdown, I’ve been watching some youtube playthroughs of video games (without commentary, of course) for, I dunno, I can’t even say “reasons” because there isn’t any, but I’ve been doing it anyway. There’s been the good, the bad, and the just kind of terrifying,

But there’s also been quite a bit of disappointment. Disappointment mainly at all these franchises that don’t really exist anymore, at least not to the same popularity. It confuses me as to why Bomberman isn’t still a big deal as you’d think online multiplayer would be perfect for that. Maybe the issue for that is the games are too long to be just quick “ok onto the next one” but too short to feel too much accomplishment, I dunno (I don’t play multiplayer online due to sucking at games and dying repeatedly isn’t a fun experience for me). So with that in mind, here’s five franchises I wish still had games.

F-Zero

Last Game: F-Zero Climax (2004)

That’s insane to think about. There are people who can vote who won’t remember one of these games coming out. To the point that I might have to explain it to people: racing games in really fast spaceships. It’s weird as these games have usually been used to showcase incredibly innovative ideas. From using Mode-7 Scrolling to simulate 3D environments on the SNES, to the X Cup which I still consider one of the greatest features in racing games. What it did was randomly created a track every time you played, I don’t mean “it picked a track for you”, I mean it created a new one. This was on the N64 so the fact it’s not still being used by other games now is weird.

How To Bring It Back

First off, keep the X-Cup, but allow us to save courses we like. As great a feature as it was, it could be frustrating to play an exhilarating course and then know it will never happen again (I once had a course with such a bad opening turn that almost every other racer fell off it). Similar to that, be able to create courses. This was able to be done on the N64 one, albeit only on the 64DD version. They could probably get away with doing a slightly lower-priced game with minimal tracks but the ability to share tracks online.

Pilotwings

Last Game: Pilotwings Resort (2011)

I feel there should be an asterisk next to that as that wasn’t really a Pilotwings game, it was a flight simulation. Despite the aim of the game kind of being “get a pilots license” the game itself is so much more than that, taking in sky-diving, jet packs etc. Not really missions per se, more series of minigames based around flight.

How To Bring It Back

More minigames. Instead of just “fly through these rings and shoot this” add different flight styles. So you have old planes where the idea is just straight flight through rings with take-off and landing. But you also have planes like the Red Arrows where you have to fly in formation, and also some in which you have to do tricks. Add this attitude to the skydiving ones too; some are based on you landing in a certain place, some will be on flips before opening the parachute, and some will be staying in a formation with people. You could also potentially add more sports. This is where the main money could be made; DLC sports. So you add more sports post-release to keep the game in peoples minds. I’m not opposed to DLC on principle, I feel if it truly adds to the game and if it’s not stuff that should have been added originally then it’s fine. I feel if you put enough attention into this then the DLC for this could work.

Paperboy

Last Game: Paperboy Re-Release (Xbox 360, 2007)

Well, I say 2007, that was a re-release with pretty much the same graphics etc as the original, so not sure that counts. I have fond memories of this game but it did not transition to 3D well. I think that’s because it’s a game where you have to aim sideways. In an isometric environment, this is fine because the high angles give you a good view of either side of the main character. But in a 3D environment, you either can’t see to the side of you that well, (so you can’t aim) or you can’t see in front of you, so you can’t drive.

How To Bring It Back

One way is to keep it 3D so it still fits into the modern age, but have it co-op multiplayer (either online or split-screen if on the same console). So one person does the bike controls and one person does the aiming. This is the kind of thing that would require intense teamwork to get through, and it will be either fun or a nightmare, but it will be interesting none-the-less. Another way is to forget the “aiming and shooting papers” part and make it more like Crazy Taxi where you just have to get to a certain spot as quickly as possible. Although then that wouldn’t so much be “Paperboy” as “Uber-eats Delivery” (actually that could genuinely work). Alternatively, keep it isometric and make the game so good that people don’t bitch about the graphics. If Mario can still do 2D platformers you can still do a game like this.

vq2wdydhe8p31 — Yeah it really didn’t translate well to 3D, this is uglier than my face

Rampage

Last Game: Rampage Total Destruction (2006)

Okay, there was a game released after this, but it was only in arcades so that doesn’t count. It’s weird as they had a film based on this out a few years ago (hence the arcade game) so you’d figure a console release would be a good idea. In this game, you essentially just destroy buildings as a giant monster.

How To Bring It Back

You destroy buildings as a giant monster, what else needs to be said? This is actually quite tricky though as the gameplay could be quite repetitive after a while. I suppose the best way to do it would be different monsters control differently, which would make it more puzzle-based. So you could have some that can’t jump, some that can range-attack etc. Alternatively, and this is going to be much less likely to happen but here goes:

License it to Warner Brothers so you can get King Kong and Godzilla. Yes it would go against the spirit of the films to have Godzilla as a destructor, but as if video game adaptations ever let a small thing like that bother them.

Potentially you could also have an online mode similar to Friday The 13th, where one person plays as the monster destroying everything, and the others play as humans trying to survive the rampage.

Personally, I wouldn’t need all that though, I would be perfectly happy just walking around destroying towns and cities for a while, but maybe that’s just me.

Destruction Derby

Last Game: Destruction Derby Arenas (2004)

So, we end with the game that inspired this whole blog. A game where you not only race but also have to destroy the other cars as you do so. It had 4 games back in the day and is one of the only games which made me regret choosing Nintendo over Playstation (not in some “ideological warfare” way, in an “I’m 10 so my opportunities for having enough money to buy all the consoles is limited” way). More than any other game, this just seems fun.

How To Bring It Back

Focus on The Bowl arena, make it larger and use it as an online arena so you have a sort-of vehicle-based Fortnite, with the ability to use your winnings to upgrade your vehicle. Make that part free but have other game modes available for a price. When it comes to the game modes the courses available are important. I feel standard race tracks for this take away from its unique identity. You can either have the courses on streets so it seems like illegal racing (so no laps, just “Get to the endpoint”) or you can have it on dirt courses and give it a kind of rustic feel. If you do that you could have a standard race, and then a demolition derby at the end. Again, your winnings giving you the ability to upgrade your vehicle.

destruction-derby-2-ps1-1200x750 — Just look at that chaos, isn’t it wonderful

So, that’s the list, what ones did I miss out? Off the top of my head: Shinobi, Streets Of Rage come to mind but are there any other really obvious ones that I’m missing?

Films I’ve Avoided This Year

On June 16, 2018 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

So we’ve been a bit quiet for a while. There’s a reason for that. I aimed to review every film I’ve seen at the cinema this year, but I haven’t seen anything in about a month. “woo, see every film!” very quickly changes to “see every film?” around this time of year and I find myself struggling to find the energy to be bothered about the incredibly minimal releases. Films have been released but they’re like Solo, Jurassic World etc. All of them are franchises I haven’t really paid much attention to. Both of those were released close to each other and dominated cinema schedules. So they were out, as were the films I’ve already seen (Deadpool 2, Infinity War), which left me with terrible children’s movies, and I just don’t hate myself quite that much. But there are a few films I’ve missed out for other, more personal reasons. Reasons which are much harder to explain, so here we are.

The Guernsey Literary And Potato Peel Pie Society

One reason, and one reason only. I’m really bored of films based on World War 2 at the moment, I’m suffering from WW2 film fatigue (or blitztigue). They’re not ugly enough. Period films are shot with an eye towards the beauty of elegance, which seems kind of inappropriate for a period of time where millions were massacred, particularly considering there are people today who support the people who did it (some people call them neo-nazi’s, I just call them pricks). I’m not saying there’s no beauty in ugliness, but I’m bored of every war film lately looking the same and attempting to create an air of nostalgia and warmth.

I Feel Pretty

I want to like Amy Schumer. I really do, she’s funny, and likeable, and with the right script is incredibly funny. But she’s also an alleged plagiarist, and when she’s in a bad film, it’s almost embarrassing, especially in a film where 80% of the jokes are “this person is above the average Hollywood weight, hahahahahahaha” (very much like Melissa McCarthy). But that didn’t have too much to do with me avoiding this film. I avoided it because the very concept annoys me. The whole “you just need self belief, then you’ll be pretty because you’ll have confidence” just seems a bit weird coming from an able-bodied blonde white woman with great complexion, she fulfils most of the definitions of classicly attractive by western standards. As someone who is genuinely ugly, with a bad face, it annoys the hell out of me that people say “you just need to believe in yourself”, as if being attractive to me isn’t as unobtainable as going to space on my BMX.

Show Dogs

I probably wasn’t going to see this anyway because, well, it looked kind of shit. But then I saw something else which confirmed my suspicions. It’s a typical kids movie about a talking dog that solves crime. To solve one he has to go undercover in a dog show, which requires having his genitals touched. So his human partner has to get him used to getting them touched, by training him to not react to people randomly grabbing his junk. Teaching him how to escape into your head whilst it happens. That’s……that’s grooming. It’s legitimately how child predators do it, a gymnastics coach who abused his students for years did it, telling them that he needed to do it to train them. It’s just kind of uncomfortable and weird. As Ruth Graham wrote for slate.com:

“The movie’s solution to Max’s discomfort with the inspection is not to empower him to escape it somehow; it’s to have him learn to check out mentally while he endures it, and to make no outward sign of his humiliation. It is not paranoid to say that this is a bad message for kids.”

I mean, yeah it got edited out after the first week or so, but it shouldn’t have been there in the first place. It’s like if McDonalds said “Our Chicken Nuggets no longer contain arsenic” and expecting me to still eat them. Now I know “it’s just movie”, but it’s a kids movie. And that’s where people get morals from, as it’s used as indicator for society as a whole to children. It’s where they get their ideas from about how the wider world works. You don’t think that’s true? Okay, what do you think would happen if in every single kids film from now on, there was a character called “Chris” who constantly shit his pants? Do you think when a child meets someone called Chris, they’re NOT going to bully him about shitting his pants, despite the fact he actually hasn’t, because that’s what movies have taught him they do?

Book Club

Because my watching this film could be seen as an indicator that I don’t despise Fifty Shades, and I can’t risk that.

So yeah that’s that. There are more I avoided but mainly for boring reasons, primarily a lot of “wooo, America and guns are awesome” films I’ve avoided like healthy food at a house party. Luckily there’s Hereditary released today, and I’m really looking forward to that as it looks unsettling as hell.

2017 In Horror (From Worst To Best)

On December 18, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

13. The Bye Bye Man

This was originally going to be a bit higher, but then I realised this has a few advantages over the one in 10, and as such should have been better. It had a higher budget, a wider cinema release, and an actual advertising campaign. Was actually kind of looking forward to this as it seemed intriguing. I thought at the very least it would be an interesting watch. I was wrong. It was boring, pointless, and did the whole “scary thing, scary thing, actually those scary things didn’t actually happen so nothing matters, repeat” thing that I hate about modern horror. Also, it has a stupid name.

The-bye-bye-man-poster-099178297d2f630b — Don’t Watch It (and with that this film wins Easiest Diss Of The Year award)

12. Wish Upon

Have you heard of this film? No, there’s a good reason for that. It’s not great, the story is stupid, the characters are annoying as hell, and it’s not even original. Every idea it has comes from a better film. It also meant that I could no longer put Joey King’s performance in Going In Style in my “end of year notable mentions” list, which I’m sure she’s absolutely devastated about.

11. The Belko Experiment

Not the worst film, but definitely the most disappointing. I expected this to be either fun or smart, it was neither. Didn’t help that it completely ran out of ideas before the trailer ended. If this was 20 minutes long I’d have loved it. It just didn’t have enough ideas to stretch to a feature.

10. Annabelle: Creation

Well it was a LOT better than Annabelle (or as I call it: Annabelle, fuck that movie). But it’s a prequel to an origin story, which makes me uncomfortable. Some very good performances in it, but ultimately rather forgettable (very forgettable actually, I only just realised that for some reason this wasn’t on my list of films seen this year).

9. Rings

Only ahead of Annabelle based on thing: the PHENOMENAL opening scene. Sadly almost negated by the ending being in the trailer.

8. Split

A fun film, albeit kind of disposable and not one I ever really need to see again.

7. Jigsaw

If you bring back a dead franchise, you best do it well. You need it to justify it’s own existence. This doesn’t really do that, it seems like just the next step in a yearly franchise. It doesn’t need to exist, adds nothing new, doesn’t really do much. This does something worse than being bad, it’s pointless.

6. A Cure For Wellness

This film disturbed me. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I liked it, but wouldn’t really say I enjoyed it. Pretty gross, but a fascinating watch. Seriously, this film has a visual style and it just runs with it. I’m not sure whether Dane DeHaan is supposed to be creepy at the end, or whether it’s just because he looks kind of creepy. Either way, it worked, he was great in this. As was Mia Goth. This is one of those films I would definitely recommend you watch at least once. Actually, you don’t really watch this, you experience it.

fullsizeoutput_48cc-e1485355181904 — “Why don’t we do the poster for Slither, but sexy?” “Genius! More cocaine”

5. Prevenge

As I said in August: “The best horror film about a pregnant woman being controlled by a homicidal fetus that I’ve ever seen.”.

Still the case. A great British horror quirky slice of cinema. Definitely worth a watch.

4. The Ritual

The book is now on my “to-read” list. Not a nice watch, but a very very good one. Chilling to the bone with a great story and remarkable performances. Probably going to be one of those films that are going to be really hard to find on DVD, I hope not as it would be a great Halloween watch.

3. Happy Death Day

This was hard to place, as a film it was great, as a horror it was good. This is mainly here to break up the depressing creepiness of this list. Also, it was a new idea that was risky and worked, I like to reward things like that.

2. It

Holy crap! Holy crap this was great. Everyone needs to not just watch this, but to own it and cherish it. This had a lot working against it, mainly because it was a remake. If this failed it would have failed spectacularly. Luckily it succeeded, and it’s easy to see why. Good story, fantastic setting up of the universe, great performances, and most importantly, it’s fucking terrifying.

1. Get Out

This was close. Very, very close. If you asked me to do this again on a different day there’s a good chance the top two on this could be switch around. Today I’m favouring this because what’s on my mind is that weird feeling I had when watching this film. It wasn’t “arrrrrrgh” it was just 2 hours of everything being ever so slightly off somehow. Deeply, deeply unsettling and should win ALL THE AWARDS. Yup, even best musical, it’s that damn good.

Screen-Shot-2016-10-04-at-5.40.57-PM — I know, the film that had this in the trailer ended up being creepy, who’d have guessed?

The 5 Most 90’s Movies Of 2017

On November 13, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

Baywatch/Power Rangers

As I’ve said before, who exactly were these films aimed at? People who liked the originals won’t want to watch these as tonally they’re completely different, and it wasn’t as though there was a huge demand for them. Now if they did it in the 90’s, that’s a different story. Those two shows were both at their peaks and films released at cinema based on those would have made big money. But 90’s was a weird time for TV films, they tended to have terrible reputations (not entirely because of all the terrible films based on Saturday Night Live skits, but they certainly didn’t help). The only one that comes to mind that REALLY worked was South Park, which seemed to be the tipping point for the show and changed it from “this show will cause harm to children” to “cultural icon”.

power-rangers-2017_621 — On the plus side, if this was made in the 90’s, it wouldn’t have attempted to be “dark” and “gritty”

Kong

Ideal director: Roland Emmerich (again)

Again, why exactly was this made? This would have made A LOT more sense in the 90’s. Jurassic Park, Godzilla, and Dragonheart (google it) showed what could be done back then, and the capabilities of creating a realistic looking giant ape (which is trickier than other giant animals mainly due to the hair, seriously, hair is REALLY hard to animate without looking fake as hell) was possible on a fundamental level, as proven by that classic film, Mighty Joe Young. Come on, you know that film. Oh, you don’t? Nobody does? Oh, okay, maybe that’s why a Kong 90’s film wasn’t made.

Spiderman: Homecoming

Ideal director: John Hughes

Very specific time of the 90’s, early 90’s. John Hughes 90’s, that time when films aimed at children seemed to still be suffering from an 80’s hangover. The perfect time for this would have been around 1991. With Batman Returns about to be released, and with the success of the first live-action Batman still in minds, studios would have bought up more comic book properties and used them in unique ways. A Bush/Reagan-inspired ultra American Superman movie would have been made to try to make people try to forget about Quest For Peace, a Terry Gilliam Watchman would have been made, with David Bowie doing the soundtrack (and probably playing Dr. Manhatten), and to cater for teens a John Hughes Spiderman would have been made. Okay, it would have been better in the 80’s, and casting an 80’s Spiderman Homecoming is a whole different conversation altogether (that’s called foreshadowing).

Happy Death Day

This would have killed in the late 90’s. Just after Scream landed but before horror got all serious and torture-porn-ey. Probably with Sarah Michelle Gellar in the lead, with a soundtrack consisting of The Offspring and Blink 182. The more I think about this the more I think that would have been fucking awesome. Basically like Idle Hands, which is one of the most 90’s horror films I’ve ever seen in my life (and is quite funny).

maxresdefault — Actually love this image

Geostorm.

Ideal director: Roland Emmerich

Here we go, the film that inspired this entire list. I showed someone the synopsis to this and their response was “are we sure this wasn’t made in the 90’s?”. Kind of cheating as this film was delayed horrifically and wasn’t originally meant to be released this year, although not massively cheating as it was supposed to be released in 2016, which wasn’t a massive difference, although it does explain the obvious reshoot moments. It’s not just the story where this is 90’s, a lot of the story beats seem to come straight from a 90’s perspective; English villain, a moment where a dog nearly (but doesn’t) die, a small child, a needlessly happy ending that seems to come out of nowhere and completely ruins the notion of self-sacrifice.

spoiler — I guess this should have come earlier. Whoops

Creepy Songs For Creepy People

On October 9, 2017October 9, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

New York, New York – Polly Scattergood

The original of this song is almost the exact opposite; bombastic and large. This is just downright creepy. I used it in my showreel and it fit perfectly, timed blood dropping with the beats.

Polly – Amanda Palmer

Yet another cover. I swear this list won’t all mostly covers. I hope. I listened to this song 10 times in a row whilst I was writing Poppy Blooms; which probably explains a lot about that film.

Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright – Ke$ha

Yeah, another cover, and this time it’s by a pop artist. But trust me; this is hauntingly beautiful and is the entire reason why I think Ke$ha gets a lot more stick than she deserves. But you might already know this because if I have a conversation about music with anybody for more than 5 minutes I will bring up this song. And nine times out of ten I have to follow it with “no, seriously, trust me on this”. No music, just her voice gasping the words in your ear.

Where The Wild Roses Grow – Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue

From Ke$ha to Kylie, not the worlds greatest transition, but meh. There’s also a version of this somewhere done by a band who sing it in German. If you listen to that whilst walking through a graveyard at 4am, it will fuck you up. A really good murder ballad which must have taken incredible balls on the part of both performers, who both risked alienating their current fan bases.

Red Right Hand – Nick Cave

I know, two Nick Cave songs, that’s possibly cheating, but who cares? Kind of an unofficial theme song for the Scream film series, being remade/remixed for every entry, but none are as haunting, beautiful, and as “sound of being followed down a dark alleyway by someone with a knife” like as this.

Creep – Scala & Kolacny Brothers

Best known as “that song from that trailer, no, not I Feel Good, or Walking On Sunshine, the unhappy bleak one”. The original was quite creepy yet this makes it more so. They also did a cover of Muscle Museum which just takes on all kinds of an emotional journey.

Cities In Dust – Siouxsie And The Banshees

Oddly danceable, kind of like dark disco. Made an appearance this year in Atomic Blonde, which if you haven’t seen, you need to remedy that and see it immediately, a wonderfully made film with one of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard. And it means I won’t have wasted my time making sure I spelt Siouxsie correctly.

4 (Wrong) Thoughts I Had About Wonder Woman

On June 12, 2017June 12, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

It Will Look Dull

Why

Most action films lately have a certain colour to them; all various shades of blue and grey, with the occasional flash of orange. Plus it’s only the director’s third film, and their first film of this genre, so there’s a good chance they’re going to stick to the typical conventions of the genre and not take any risks, resulting in something which will just end up looking like every other film out there.

But

This looked amazing. The shots of Themyscira in particular looked like they came straight out of an advert for a travel agent. Even when the film moves to the front line of the war (a place which is usually depicted in lots of different browns) it remains visually interesting. And the action scenes…oh my god. Even Marvel struggle with action scenes. Not including the airport scene, a lot of the fight scenes in Civil War were an incoherent mess. It suffered from the same problem that plagues most film fight scenes lately: directors cutting before every single hit. I HATE when films do this, it never makes it look good as the audience has to refocus their attention constantly so they can’t concentrate properly as they have no idea where to focus. It also makes it very obvious you’re watching a film, you can almost hear the director yelling “okay don’t actually hit each other, we’ll make it look like you are in post”. It’s why I liked Deadpool so much, Ed Skrein was being interviewed about it and he said for the fight scenes the director told him “it’s not your job to miss him, it’s his job to get out of the way”. I don’t know how Patty Jenkins did the fight scenes in this but they are superb. Everything is well choreographed and makes sense, you can see it all clearly (seriously, why is this, such a basic requirement, so hard for people to do nowadays?), and it flows beautifully. The action scenes in this are superb, the sequence in No Mans Land in particular is breathtaking in how it’s shown.

wonder_woman_in_no_man_s_land_by_lenadrofranci-dbc38vl — No, it’s not that.

It Should Be R-Rated

Why

This thought is the one that took the longest to go away, and is actually the last thought that entered my head, entering it whilst I was watching the beach invasion scene (which is superb by the way). As the battle went on I noticed how bloodless a lot of it was. I sat there thinking “hmm, maybe this needs to be harsher, like Logan was”. If you haven’t seen Logan I’ll explain, the action scenes in that were filled with gore, as such you winced when people got hurt, you knew they were in a lot of pain, and it made it feel more real as you could see actions have consequences, you could see the physical damage which even just a single punch could do, the scenes could have been improved if it was allowed to be aimed towards a more adult audience.

But

As soon as I thought about this for a second I realised that was very very wrong. Logan could get away with being R-Rated as (let’s be honest) not much was depending on it. X-Men Origins: Wolverine had already proven the character could survive a film not doing well. Wonder Woman had A LOT riding on it, if it failed (actually, forget failing, it not only had to be a success, it had to be a MASSIVE success), then it wouldn’t just be “super hero films don’t make money anymore”, it wouldn’t be”DC films don’t make money”, it wouldn’t even be “This character doesn’t make money”, it would be “female leads in movies don’t make money”. It would sour people on a Black Widow film, or a Catwoman solo film. So yeah this needed to do well, and for that to happen it needed mass appeal, so an R Rating would have killed it. It also would have meant little girls wouldn’t have been able to see it and be inspired to grow up and kick ass, and I don’t want to live in a world where that couldn’t happen.

The Romance Will Ruin It

Why

“Oh, so just because it’s a female character they need her focus to be a man? Typical”

But

I dislike tacked-on unnecessary romance as much as the next person, but this wasn’t tacked on, and her character didn’t revolve entirely around him. If anything it was like those action films where Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone etc are fighting an evil Russian/Brit and they can’t manage to defeat them, but then the twirly-moustached villain kills the persons wife, and that motivates them to rise up and defeat them (and possibly adopt a dog along the way). Wonder Woman saves the male lead in this film, he depends on her throughout. As such I kind of liked the romance in this, it helped that it felt genuine and was really well written.

Won’t Be Able To Take It Seriously

Why

Because most super hero films are about someone finding something, or having something happen to them that causes them to become a hero. Different methods but either way it’s usually grounded in realism. This film is about someone who is essentially a God, how would it be possible to do a mature, gritty film about Gods? You may argue “but they managed it with Thor”, and to that I say “Thor was bad and you should feel bad”

But

The best superhero films aren’t just superhero films, they double as another genre. Winter Soldier is a cold war spy movie, Guardians Of The Galaxy is an ensemble space comedy, and this is a war movie. It’s not just a film about Wonder Woman, it’s a film about human nature, about humanity at it’s darkest. It’s a film about beauty, and a film about dark truths. It’s wonderful and mesmerising, a beautiful mix of glory that leads to this being, without a doubt, one of the best films of the year.

So in summary; Wonder Woman, it’s fucking fantastic and if anyone thinks Gal Gadot isn’t right for the part then you can no longer trust their opinion on anything. Strong in spirit and body yet naive when it comes to dealing with humanity, Gadot has been one of the most inspired castings in a superhero movie yet.

5 Amazing Comic Book Movies Still To Come In 2017

On April 24, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

5. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Okay, not technically based on a comic book, but is the sequel to a film that is. The trailer for this will be released later today, two teasers already been made (one of which is the entire trailer sped up to fit into 10 second, very cool and innovative way of doing it, already led to people slowing it down and discussing it). No idea how they’re going to bring back Colin Firth’s character, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m sure they wouldn’t bring him back for no reason, not as though they’re short of credible actors in this film; they’ve got Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore etc. Not released until September but already really looking forward to it.

4. Wonder Woman

Saw the trailer, loved it. Gal Gadot was one of the best things about Batman Vs. Superman, so the fact her character has FINALLY got a full length feature is very exciting. Basically seems like an origin story, which I’m okay with as her origin hasn’t permeated popular culture that much so for new people they would need to know that. Of course, it would have been a better idea if they did this film BEFORE Batman Vs. Superman as at the moment I can’t see their being any tension in it all. Not for her character anyway, you know she’s going to survive so you won’t worry if she’s safe, which means that unless the film kills somebody she’s close to it won’t be able to land emotionally enough to be effective. Really hope this does well, mainly because if it doesn’t, internet assholes (and studio executives) will blame the fact it’s a female character for the failure, and be more reluctant to do female-led movies in the future.

3. Justice League

Mainly curious about this one. Personally (and I’m happy to be proven wrong), I think the DC Extended Universe scheduling has been a complete mess so far. BvS should not have been the second film in the series, you need to build up tension between the characters first in other films so that it feels like it means something, as it was it just felt like “hey, this is happening” “and? Who cares?”. They’ve done that fight so early on in the series that there’s not that much left for them to do, there’s not many “big events” they have to call back on (especially since they’ve also already done The Death Of Superman). Related to this, Justice League should not be released this year. It’s too big a film to come out so soon after Wonder Woman, they’ve already released the trailers for this before Wonder Woman is out. They’re really rushing this through and it could end up harming the product in the long run. Although I am still kind of excited about it, so what do I know?

2. Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2

Released very soon, really looking forward to it. Had a kind of average marketing campaign, I’d hoped the marketing campaign of Deadpool would lead to more innovative and unique marketing for “quirky” comic book films, but seems like it’s just standard “trailer tease, trailer, second trailer, release” kind of thing. Trailer looks good though, slight risk that they’re intentionally trying to create memes with it, which hasn’t been too annoying in the trailers but if the rest of the film is like that it could be off-putting. Guardians is in a weird place this time, the first one was so good that expectations are high, which is almost the complete opposite of what the situation was last time, where everybody expected this to be the iceberg that sinks the MCU Titanic. Have to wonder whether this will be the film where they explicitly acknowledge the link between it and the rest of the MCU. Also, I really hope it’s not just going to be a rehash of the first one. I want to be amazed during this, but I trust Marvel, so I think I will be.

1. Spider-Man: Homecoming

Tom Holland’s Spider-Man was one of the (many many) highlights of Captain America: Civil War, so much so that it almost made audiences completely forget that this is the third reboot of the franchise in a short period of time. Confession time: He’s one of the characters I’ve never really liked in films, he’s always supposed to be a teenager but is never played as one. At least, not an actual teenager, he’s played like the leading man in a teen drama where “anxiety” and “shy geek” just means “is friends with the most popular girl in school but hasn’t dated her yet” and the only sign of their geekdom is that people with letters on their jacket (I now know it’s their school letters, but I will never stop having a small part of me think it’s their initials so they don’t forget their names) shove them into lockers. This Spider-Man however is a teenager, he geeks out over superheroes, he messes up, he gets overexcited (which then leads to more mistakes). More importantly: he’s fun. He’s a funny, engaging character whom is inherently likeable, and should do well in his full length debut, which is thankfully, not an origin story.

asdsd — Note to directors: EVERYBODY knows this scene, it’s NEVER been needed in a film

Films That Should’ve Been Made In A Different Medium

On April 17, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

Now I’m not saying these films shouldn’t have been made. Just it would be nice if they got made in different mediums.

1. The Boat That Rocked

What It Should Have Been: A TV Series.

The two main complaints people had about this film were that it was too long and had a disjointed plot. Both of these problems would’ve been solved if it was a TV series instead of a film. Would it have got the same cast though? I like to think it would’ve done. It’s a mostly British cast and the British attitude seems to be “you’re never too big for TV”. And plus imagine the end; after weeks and weeks with these characters when the boat is sinking at the end it would bring a tear to your eye. The many plots could have an episode each but the underlying plots would be A) Carl trying to find his father. B) The closing of the station. And probably would be a good idea to lose the slightly rapey scene in it, that was majorly uncomfortable to watch and had no place in it.

2. Zombieland

What It Should Have Been: A Comic

This film was basically a comic anyway; and it would’ve been nice to see what would’ve become of it if budget wasn’t a factor. Then maybe have a film based on the comic so Jesse Eisenberg can be in a comic book adaptation that doesn’t suck.

3. Unbreakable.

What It Should Have Been: A book.

Some things are more acceptable in books such as films. Many of which are present in this film. It has a great plot and terrific build up but it’s just not suited to cinema. As a book however it would have been fantastic. The trouble is is that it is a really average film if you take away the twist, you have to finish watching it to like it, there’s nothing in it that keeps you watching whilst you are watching it. As such if you get interrupted halfway through it, you’re not likely to come back to it. Alternatively you take this film and condense it into an hour-long TV show, make it the pilot episode of a new series.

4. The Final Destination.

What It Should Have Been: Video Game

The film was, well it was just silly. And not in a good way. I think it would’ve been silly in a good way if the first few films in the series weren’t so serious. After the those this seemed practically childish by comparison. By this point I it would have been smarter to franchise this into other mediums. I mean; picture this film as a video game, not a top-level full price one, but a small downloadable one on xbox live or something: you control death and have to set needlessly complex traps to kill people. The more complex, violent and deadly, the more points. Once you get a certain amount of points you can get upgrades to kill people more efficiently (explosions etc). Actually I want that game now. Or, just have Telltale make it; you play as one of the characters avoiding death. The advantage of that is that it would be REALLY easy to market and gain interest: you release a quick demo online with a random title; you control a teenager investigating the death of his/her friend. Standard Tell-Tale stuff, but at the end of the level; you die via a series of convoluted accidents, and the game reveals it’s a Final Destination one.

I also was going to have: Fant4stic should have been; a muffin basket, because anything would have been better than that film. But then I realised if that film was a muffin basket, it would probably poison people.

The Best Single-Location Films

On April 3, 2017 By troubledproductionsIn ListLeave a comment

Free-Fire was released to UK cinemas this week, seemingly two-hundred millennia after the preview screenings (ok it was actually like a month, but still). Been excited for it since I first saw the trailer, and more so since I heard that it is like the trailer suggests, and is all in one location. I like when films do that, it’s a sign of good writing and acting if it holds your attention like that. Oddly enough I don’t think I’ve seen one that didn’t work, probably because it’s such a hard thing to pull off that studios will only risk it if they’re absolutely certain it would work, these films have to be better than average as if they’re anything less people will be highly critical. So with that in mind, here’s a list of my favourites. Let’s start some ground rules

Has to mainly (at least 95%) take place in one location.
Location has to be relatively confined (otherwise some smart-ass will be like: “what about this film? It all takes place in one location; earth”)
I have to have seen it (like most of these blogs, this is the biggest hurdle as it counts out Rope and Rear Window, which I was tempted to put in purely on the basis they’re Hitchcock so I’m sure are brilliant)

So, let’s do this.

5. Locke

Yeah, I’m surprised this is the first one I’m mentioning too. I’d have guessed it would be top three, but then I saw what else is on this list, and as much as I do love Locke (and I do) this has to come 5th. I know quite a few people don’t like this, and it’s easy to see why, the “one person cast” kind of films are not for everyone, and that’s okay. Actually I feel that point needs to be made more often; it’s not essential to like a film. It is possible to recognise a film is very well crafted, and still not like it. The whole “if you don’t like x then you’re obviously not smart enough, or you don’t get it, or (and this is the worst) I’m going to explain to you why you’re wrong, using spreadsheets and citations from people” It’s that kind of attitude which puts people off film discussion. The film that made me realise exactly how good Tom Hardy is. This film is unique on this list as the entire film takes place in a car, driving down the motorway. As such you don’t even really get the sense of claustrophobia that these type of films provide. However the fact Hardy’s character is in a moving location does provide a unique feeling to it, despite him being the driver of the car he very much is a passenger of his own film, being driven by fate to a conclusion he’s desperately trying to avoid.

4. Tape

Merging two film gimmicks in one; not only is it all in one location, it also takes place in real time. Unpopular opinion; is probably my favourite Linklater film. I like what it says about people, and the dynamics that occur in certain friendship groups. Very minimalist cast; the entire film is Ethan Hawke, Robert Sean Leonard in a room discussing awkward things, then being joined by Uma Thurman for the home stretch. Was originally written as a play by Stephen Belber, only found that out whilst writing this but it’s fairly obvious that was the case whilst watching it. Is the kind of writing that’s perfect for drama students to use for auditions. Unlike most Linklater films this one is often mentioned as something amazing, which is a shame as it is truly something unique and I’d recommend everybody watch it.

3. Moon

Is this a one location film? Apparently so, I don’t remember it being so but apparently it is, and I do love this film so it earns its place. The debut film by Duncan Jones, who has since moved onto direct Source Code and Warcraft, but to me this will always be his best (at least until Mute comes out this year; a sci-fi mystery film starring Alexander Skarsgard as a mute bartender alongside Paul Rudd and Sam Rockwell? I’m sold). This film is one of the best sci-fi films I’ve seen, visually stunning (especially on a relatively low budget). Sam Rockwell is mindblowingly good in this, playing not only the main character, but also his clone. Yeah it’s a weird film, but well worth checking out. And it features the voice of Kevin Spacey, what more do you want from this film?

apollo_18_01 — It’s also much much better than this, which is a good concept poorly written

2. Breakfast Club

Truth be told, I didn’t even realise this was a single location film until doing research for this. That’s how good this film is. Although let’s face it, part of that might be because has such a large cast compared to the others. Possibly one of the most 80’s films that exists, this defined the genre. Yes, Sixteen Candles was the first of these films, the one that paved the path, but it was Breakfast Club that lit the way so others could follow in their footsteps. Anybody wanting to break into filmmaking should watch this, this is the closest cinema gets to the attitude of punk. One of the main things about punk music was that anybody could do it, you didn’t need to have elaborate sets on stage, you didn’t need the knowledge to play 10 minute guitar solos, you could just pick up instruments and play. This is the film equivalent; there’s absolutely nothing here you can’t do yourself, the locations are all within reach, there’s nothing unachievable here. This would actually be perfect way to showcase skills on a film course; you hand someone the script for this and say “make a scene from this”, and see how they do it.

1. Buried

This had to be number one really, and not only because of how much I love Ryan Reynolds (that’s only part of it). I hate to say that I didn’t watch this film because I found the concept interesting, or I read the reviews; I watched this film for one reason and one reason only: Ryan Reynolds. Now if you like Ryan Reynolds, you will love this film, as he is the only person in it. The entire film is him trapped in a box. When I first heard about it i thought that that couldn’t possibly work. Surely they have flashback scenes? Or he gets out about half hour into the film and suddenly it turns into an action film? But no, it’s just one guy, in a box for the entire film. And it is a remarkably effective piece of filmmaking. The singular location means the audience feels just as trapped and claustrophobic as the character. If the film had any cutaway scenes it would only serve to break up the tension. So I’ve established it makes you feel trapped, but is it a good film? The answer; yes it’s fucking good, hence why it’s my number one. I recommend that everybody see this film at least once. But only once, any more like that and you do risk suicide.

Special Mentions (a.k.a; films I’ve heard are good but haven’t watched yet)

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Reservoir Dogs

12 Angry Men

Das Boot

Symbol

My Dinner With Andre

Yes, I apologise for never having seen some of those, I’m a terrible person.

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