Nothing much to say about this, fun fact, I used to own this on video, I think. I don’t know, I might have done. I say “fun”, I mean “pointless and tedious”, which is the same thing, right? Right? Oh I’ve wasted my life

• Not really anything to do with the film, but the DVD menu for this is really weird. It’s a close up of a blinking eye. Kind of creepy but doesn’t really suit the tone of Scream, more Saw.
• “I don’t want to be here” “baby, these tickets are free”. Ah, young love, where “it’s free” is somehow an acceptable reason to make someone miss important studying time to do something they don’t want to do.
• It’s weird watching this film in [insert current year here], the first two people we see are Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett-Smith, both of whom would never do these roles now.
• “It’s a dumbass white movie about some dumbass white girls” that’s racist
• “I guess Sandra Bullock is Miss Ethnicity” only when she blacks up.
• “horror movies have historically under-represented black people”, that’s not true, there’s nearly always a black person in horror films, where do you think the “black guy dies first” trope comes from?
• Jada’s response to being given a “Ghostface” costume is to complain that it’s white. Only the face, the rest of it is black.
• Okay, there’s an usher outside the cinema, then another one inside, 3 people working the Stab puppets, and someone handing out costumes. Yet nobody is handling security so it’s chaos. The kind of chaos you only get at sneak previews in films. Unless it’s a sequel or something unique I don’t think people would be this excited. In fact, it’s weird they are this excited considering that in-universe the film is based on a true story. This would be carrying sparklers into a film about 9/11. They’re all dressed up too, this would be dressing up as a dead student during a screening of a film based on Columbine massacre, or the Virginia Tech shooting, or Sandy Hook, or

• Aaaaaand we’re back. What year is it? Is Trump still president? Fuck!
• Back to that point, it’s weird the studio is making costumes of an (in-universe) real-life killer and selling them. You don’t see many Gary Glitter costumes in the stores. Oddly enough you do see a lot of blacking up for Halloween, it turns out an oddly high amount of people, when they think “scary”, their first thought is “black people”.
• Why does her shower have a giant window next to it?
• Okay I know it’s a movie within a movie but why is this woman making popcorn on the stove when she’s getting a shower? Surely doing both at once is a bit stupid and is likely to cause a fire?
• People are sitting in the audience watching the film wearing masks, as such, they can’t see shit.
• How did the studio who made Stab get the voice of the original killer? Bit weird.
• Jada lives up to the “black cinema viewers yell at the screen” stereotype. That’s a really weird stereotype by the way that I’m 97% sure only happens in films.
• “hey we sold out”, sneak previews are usually free, trust me I know, I’ve been to a few. So you didn’t sell out, you didn’t sell anything.
• If everybody is in the screening, why are so many people just standing in the lobby?
• “medium pepsi, medium popcorn, no butter”, a note to America; not everything needs butter.
• “scary movies are great foreplay”, for psychopaths. So yeah it works great for me.
• Omar Epps death is entirely luck-based. If his head wasn’t in that exact position he wouldn’t have died. More to the point, how did the killer know he would use that toilet? If he doesn’t put his head up against the door he survives, and the odds of anybody putting their head against a cubicle wall in a public bathroom is statistically very very low. I’d say near impossible, I’ve never done it, and I’m weird.
• NOBODY in the audience realises this woman got stabbed to death, this is the stupidest cinema audience since millions of people decided to see the Transformer movies.
• Journalists respond to murder by crowding round Sidney and asking “do you think they’ll be anymore?”. Bitch, how the fuck does she know?
• “you can’t blame real-life violence on entertainment”, anybody else get the feeling this scene was just there as a response to criticism of the first film? I mean, I get it, and it’s funny, but still.
• “the killer was wearing a mask, just like in the movie, it’s directly responsible”. Erm, how? The film wasn’t even released yet and the murder happened in the opening scene of the sneak preview. It’s impossible for it to influence someone like that, now if you said the actual murders inspired the killer, then yes I’d say you could be right. So what’s the solution; ban murder? Not in my Britain! Political correctness gone mad! *foams at mouth*
• Film students discussing the recent murder of one of their classmates, we never did at my uni, we just discussed how Resident Evil is objectively not a great film.
• “that’ll be a wrap”, not even a film studies tutor would end a lesson like that.
• “So how would you make it different?” “I’d let the geek get the girl”. Just like in American Pie, Spider-man, or any other 80’s film which a nerdy lead character?
• “you got any tricks for getting me back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence” Have you tried drugs?
• So Gale Weathers, who has a best-selling book out is reduced to using inexperienced cameramen?
• Why are they having a press conference at the college? There are lots of better places, this only happens so Sidney etc could see Gale again.
• Few things can take you out of a horror movie like seeing one of the Bluths in it talking like a valley girl.
• “Dewey I never meant to imply” you didn’t imply anything, you flat out said he was inexperienced.
• “now if you excuse me, I have some oozing to do”. Does he mean masturbating?
• “Sarah dumped Bailey”, a reference to the show Party Of Five, which stars Neve Campbell from Scream. So how does that work in this universe? Does Neve Campbell exist in the Scream universe? And why has nobody pointed out to Sidney how much she looks and sounds like her?
• So EVERYBODY who lives in that house has gone to a party? There’s nobody who is unsociable or ill or just wasn’t feeling it? Bullshit!
• Sarah Michelle Gellar is watching a vampire film, I feel there’s a really obvious joke here.
• What was Sarah Michelle Gellar’s plan here? Run onto the balcony, and then what? Her only option would have been to jump off, which would have killed her.
• That’s Matthew Lillard (the killer from the first one) in the background there, hugging the killer from this film. Nice subtle thing there.
• “The Ewoks, they blow”. They do? I must find one.
• Why does Sidney answer the phone, it’s not her house.
• Why is Gale allowed in the police station? She’s a reporter, do they generally get access to confidential information?
• “My film is about a girl who finds out her boyfriend is this serial killer who also killed her mother the year before that”, Tori Spelling just ruined the twist ending of Stab. This is why they don’t let her take lead roles anymore.
• “He wasn’t gutted, I made that up, his throat was cut”, why did she change that part?
• “I need you”, yes because it must be so hard to find someone who can operate a fucking camera at a college. Ask Randy, I bet he knows local film-makers.
• Why does the drama teacher make Sidney do a scene in a play where she’s being attacked by people with knives?
• “have you ever stabbed someone and felt the knife scrape against bone?” yes, every Tuesday at pilates.
• “is that the best you can do? Billy and Stu were much more original”, how do you know that? Only people they phoned were Sidney and those who died, and I doubt Sidney told you much about it.
• What were the killer’s plans if Randy didn’t coincidentally stand up and walk next to that exact van the killers were in? Or if people didn’t play music loudly as they walked past, masking the sound of murder? This and Omar Epps death rely almost entirely on luck.
• Does this college not have security cameras? They should be able to see who left the van, a piece of piss.
• “You have a message, you just need to hit alt+m”, she then hits at least 4 keys.
• Sidney wondering how she can get a message when she’s not signed on. I wonder the same thing when I go on outlook and it automatically signs me into skype because outlook is a piece of shit.
• “get her away from the computer”, you know the killer isn’t literally inside the computer right?
• “that’s not a crime” “but homicide is”, wow! Thank you, Mr. Policeman for telling me that, I never would have guessed that.
• “if the killer really is watching us, he’ll be on these tapes” they then decide to watch the tapes at the college, instead of, you know, in her newsroom, or anywhere that’s more professional.
• “There’s gotta be a VCR player around here somewhere?” Millions of Millennials shout out as one “what’s a VCR?” only to be answered by a hail of gunfire aimed at them.
• This shot of Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett-Smith is seemingly shot from a car next to them on the street, only if you watch the scene earlier there was no car. This film lies! It’s a lying liar!
• Who’s editing these tapes? And why? That’s also my number one question for almost every single found footage film.
• “where are you taking me?” “If we told you, we’d have to kill you” Dude! That’s not an okay thing to say to someone whilst a serial killer is around.
• Did the other students just leave Derek tied and duct taped whilst there’s a killer around? Wow, the actual killers barely had to do any work, they lucked into almost every single murder.
• Sidney thinks her boyfriend is the killer, she only finds out he’s not when he gets killed. What would have happened if he didn’t die? Seriously, how would that have impacted their relationship in the future? He would win every single argument forever. “you cheated on me with my best friend” “yeah, you suspected me of being a killer”.
• “My motive is just good old-fashioned revenge”, then why did you kill anyone else? It doesn’t make sense!
• “I’m sick of people blaming the parents, want to know who’s to blame? Your mother”. Odd she managed to contradict her own logic in just one sentence.
• Dewey is still alive, despite losing blood for hours, again. Why is the ambulance response to these things always so slow? The final murders happen at night (which is another thing; nobody yawns or looks tired), yet no ambulances arrive until morning.
• And we’re done the same way every film ends in the 90’s, a happy song sung by a happy band, and they all lived happily ever after, apart from all the people who are dead, obviously.
• So over the end credits of a brutal horror movie; Less Than Jake, obviously.