Musings On Marvel: Day Seven (Iron Man 3)

Director: Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Lethal Weapon 2)

Budget: $200million

Box Office: $1.215billion

  • Even in 1999 that hairstyle wasn’t good. Do film-makers not remember the 90’s? They should do, they were there. Ok, most of them were on cocaine at the time but still.
  • This song was released in January 1999 and annoyed people immensely by February 1999. So by December 31st I imagine just hearing it would be enough to make people want to go self harm.
  • Hey, it’s the guy from the cave in the first movie. Well played Mr. Director.
  • “The old days, never thought they’d come back to bite me”. Really? Wasn’t that the entire point of the second movie?
  • Tony Stark needs rockets even to dress himself, but wasn’t the thing in the Avengers movie that assembled itself in mid air as he was falling from a building  good enough?
  • Obvious CGI is obvious. Seriously hollywood, either actually knock Robert Downey Jr. with a piece of metal that makes him flip, or do the CGI well enough that we don’t notice.
  • “Some people call me a terrorist”, some call him the gangster of love.
  • “I consider myself a teacher”, wow, and I thought my teachers were strict.
  • Were these videos released on their own for promotion? They so should have.
  • That thing he mentioned about America attacking a defenceless tribe? That really happened. In response the American government set up a treaty which gave the Indians free reign of the land to the south of the Arkansas River and promised them cash and more land in the future. Less than two years later the American government ripped up this treaty and ignored it. Seriously, America, what the holy f*ck?
  • Soldiers wouldn’t really have their family with them in such a volatile area, to stop things like this happening.
  • Hey, it’s Iron Captain America.
  • “How did you get out of the wormhole?” He fell, dumbass.
  • See, this I like. The continuation of the character, he would be haunted by what happened in Avengers. Shame they didn’t take it further, this would have been a great way to introduce the characters alcoholism, which is really not been dealt with in the movies, ok, they’ve shown him drinking, but they haven’t shown him struggling with the addiction. I suppose it’s because the world doesn’t want flawed heroes, they want “flawed” heroes, which means they’re rich, sexy and smart, but they occasionally fall over.
  • No way would the photo he took be clear enough to recognise that number plate.
  • Discount Hitman gives something to Discount Ethan Hawke.
  • Shane Black sets a lot of movies at Christmas and nearly all of them are violent. He must be harbouring violent tendencies towards the season for some reason. Did he catch daddy kissing santa claus?
  • “This is just good old fashioned revenge”. Is Tony Stark basically cutting a wrestling promo here?
  • So Tony Stark, international weapons manufacturer and superhero, his entire security consists of “a front door”.
  • Iron Man eats gluten free waffles. On its own there’s nothing wrong with that, but considering he drank chlorophyll in the second movie to help cure him makes me assume he’s just doing it as a fad diet.
  • Where are the rest of the Avengers? I mean, Tony Starks house is being attacked and Nick Fury is just sitting about eating cheese by the block.
  • Wilhelm!
  • Wow, the guy at the start who was wronged turned out to be the bad guy, what a massive surprise.
  • A kid gives Tony Stark anxiety attacks, they have the same effect on me.
  • Let’s say Tony Stark is ridonkulously, like, David Beckham famous in this universe. Would putting on a baseball cap mean that nobody recognises him?
  • This woman is an idiot, unless she kills absolutely everybody, she’s going to leave witnesses so the top secret weapon will no longer be top secret.
  • So the heat thingy can melt handcuffs but doesn’t damage clothes? Clearly they get their clothes from the same place as The Hulk.
  • Wait, did Tony hand a weapon to a child? And yet I’m not trusted with a crossbow.
  • This is kid is annoying, manipulative and strange. Basically, he’s a very well written child character.
  • “we can’t allow terrorists to dictate what we do”, yeah, imagine having an open dialogue with people where you talk and work your way through to a sensible compromise, the horror!
  • “last time I went missing you came looking for me” No, you’re thinking of Terrence Howard, this is Don Cheadle.
  • Tattoo of Tony Stark’s face on his arm, because that’s not creepy. Actually that’s an odd subplot that they’ve never really gone into, the cult of celebrity and how it would get in the way of them doing their job. Basically, the superheroes would need a PR team.
  • Two female characters talking about science. Holy crapy a Marvel film beats the Bechdel test.
  • Literally all he did was enter the building. That’s not exactly “saving the day”, it makes no difference.
  • Explosive Christmas tree decoration. Why does Shane Black hate Christmas? Did he want a white Christmas when he was a kid and all he got was a black one?
  • See, a lot of people hate this twist but I like it. It would be quite hard to do this character and have it not be ever so mildly racist. Plus let’s face it, NOBODY saw this coming, but it makes sense. The idea is logical, and fits into the themes of modern vilains.
  • Did that guy need to put his hand on Tony Starks chest just then? Seemed a little lovey.
  • Wait, so they’re surprised the drug addict, to whom they’re giving drugs, isn’t behving responsibly?
  • Ben Kingsley did this well, but you know who would have done a lot better? Either Peter Cook or Dudley Moore
  • 1200cc. That’s about 1.2 litres, there’s no way there was that much in that tiny syringe.
  • “you’re ziptied to a bed”, we’ve all been there.
  • He breathes fire, does he ever do this again?
  • “honestly, I hate working here, they are so weird”. That is almost exactly what I’d be like if I was a henchman.
  • This football match actually happened in May. And yet they expect us to take this movie seriously. Honestly, what’s next? Pretending something that happened on a Thursday actually happened on a Wednesday?
  • No way would a real Englishman drink Budweiser.
  • Oh, so the evil looking guy from Hot Shots: Part Deux is actually organising it. What a surprise.
  • Wouldn’t Air Force One have bulletproof windows?
  • The president has been kidnapped, and yet still no Captain America.
  • They just descended 8,000 feet in about three seconds, surely that’s not possible?
  • “chunky monkey, let’s get her”. Great, so not only did she nearly die, she also got called fat.
  • “they’ve got him strung up over the oil tankers, they’re going to light him up”, so the plan is; tie him up, light him up, inhale, exhale?
  • I’ve figured out why these blogs get progressively worse the longer they go on. The movies are way too f*cking long so by the final third I’ve kind of stopped paying attention.
  • Wait, did Gwyneth Paltrow just save the day? F*ck this movie.
  • Tony Stark throws his chestplate into the river, I assume he no longer gives a damn about being environmentally friendly.
  • Wait, this music isn’t AC/DC
  • Post credits scene with Incredible Hulk seems like a poor excuse for having constant narration throughout it.
  • Banner fell asleep during that story. Understandable, I nearly did too.
  • Wait, since when was he a trained therapist? And shouldn’t S.H.I.E.L.D have someone who’s entire job it is to be a post-traumatic stress councillor for heroes etc? Someone like Idris Elba, his calm soothing voice will make you think everything’s okay.
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