Director: Alan Taylor (Terminator: Genisys)

Budget: $170million

Box Office: $644millions

• This is the third movie to feature Thor, and the eighth in this universe, do we still need to open with narration?
• “before there was light there was darkness” narrated over a black screen. First year film students everywhere go “woah, that’s so deep” and use it in their next shitty films about how hard it was to grow up on the mean streets of Henley On Thames.
• Dr. Who is that?
• “through the power of the Aether”, is that anything like the disembodied voices in the ether as featured in our award winning short film Three Words?
• I appreciate that was the cheapest of cheap plugs, but meh.
• This movie really wants to be Lord Of The Rings.
• Second movie in a row where “turning your insides into fire” counts a superpower”
• “and the aether was no more” oh great, this film’s over then? Woohoo.
• “bury it deep, so deep that nobody can ever find it”. That’s what she said.
• Odin is annoyed that wherever Loki goes there’s war and death, yet the introduction to both of these films have included Odin fighting wars on different planets.
• “next time we start with the big one”, but he didn’t run up until halfway through the fight.
• “human lives are fleeting, they’re worth nothing” wait, but weren’t you bitching at Loki for not treating humans well. In fact, the entire reason you’re imprisoning him is for attempting to rule the earth. So if humans are worth nothing, then why are you punishing him so harshly? I’m beginning to think that maybe Loki is right, and you’re kind of a dick to him.
• If I had a choice between a badass warrior woman, and Natalie Portman, I’d go with the warrior.
• Hey it’s Chris O’Dowd.
• You know he’s probably seen the news about the Avengers thing in New York so he knows abut the existence of Gods and aliens etc. None of that “he went away” cryptic bullshit.
• “Maybe you should stop saying Sea Bass”, why? It’s still better than some of her dialogue.
• Now you’re thinking with Portals.
• Did the pointy eared evil dude just say “Rush al dente a fanta”?
• “the Universe hasn’t seen this marvel” well I hope it’s better than this Marvel.
• How much time do you think he wastes watching people as they shower?
• “they are mortal” so are you. That was the entire point of your argument with Loki earlier, that you’re not gods, you are mortal too. Damnit Odin get yo shit together.
• “humans do not belong here any more than a goat belongs at the banquet table” That’s racist.
• “Protector of the nine realms”. Well aren’t you doing a great job with that?
• How on earth does the infection know what will harm her? More importantly, why does it care? Even if she comes to harm it can just go to someone else. A parasite doesn’t care if the hosts dies if there’s hundreds of other hosts nearby.
• Wait, did she accidentally fall into something that was supposed to be well hidden and never to be found again?
• “the Bifrost was destroyed” you still could have called, or at least visited instead of eating Shawarma
• Couldn’t this and the opening narration be condensed into one section? Do we really need two history lessons in this movie?
• “every five thousand years the worlds align perfectly, during this time the borders become blurred, it’s possible you found one of these points”. No it’s not, as it’s been talked about as a future event even after she “fell”.
• “don’t let him hear you say that” how on earth did she hear that from all the way over there? He was doing his low-volume sexy voice too.
• So they don’t check these people for explosives? Have they not seen The Dark Knight?
• Everybody swings axes yet nobody gets decapitated.
• “I need you to do everything I ask, no questions”, yet when I tell women that I get called a pervert and to get off the bus.
• That ship is invisible right up until the point where somebody touches it? Well that’s pointless.
• Why are all these ships now visible? Is it just so we can see them get shot down?
• Why didn’t he raise this shield in the first place?
• That ship actually dropped it’s trajectory just so it could crash into the forcefield. Whoever is piloting it doesn’t deserve to live.
• Ship crashes through a shitload of columns, building remains standing. Magic!
• So the colour of all weapons in the first phase was blue, this seems to be red.
• It’s amazing the amount of aliens who look just like humans but with prosthetics.
• Was there something cut out there? Her being captured etc didn’t really work visually.
• “where is the aether?” I thought you could sense it.
• Even if it was invisible the ships can still be attacked, we saw this earlier.
• “we are all but defenceless” you could probably try giving Hulk, Iron Man etc a call. Have you even tried that?
• Didn’t they already see this in the news earlier?
• Thor is told not to go somewhere and fight someone by Odin who orders the Bifrost closed. Thor does it anyway. Isn’t this exactly what led to him being banished in the first movie?
• Loki gets slapped by Jane and his response is “I like her”. Well, whatever turns you on.
• Movie just rubs it in our face that the rest of the avengers aren’t in this movie.
• Loki is definitely the best part of these movies.
• Turns out to fix anything you just need to hit it hard. Reminds me, I must get my cats fixed.
• Why was that guy laughing at being attacked and buried under strange men?
• “I wish I could trust you”, movie gets closer to Brokeback Mountain than it probably intends to.
• Ian would be a lot better if played by guy who played Rory in Doctor Who. He’s practically the same character anyway.
• A woman is levitated and put into a christ-like pose in mid-air. Holy Harry Potter Batman.
• Pfft, like they’d really kill Loki.
• A giant spaceship with a glowing red light appears and destroys a small part of Greenwich University. Still less destructive than the Conservative party.
• “your universe and your family will be extinguished” You couldn’t say “exterminated” could you? Just for the giggles.
• “I thought you’d hit harder”. Me too. Supposed to be an all-powerful being yet all he can do is knock someone over slightly.
• Thor is sexually harassed by a woman on the tube. This is apparently funny. Plus, no trains go straight from Charring Cross to Greenwich,
• Wait, so Loki killed Odin? So the film killed Anthony Hopkins off-screen? Isn’t that illegal? And I know what people will say when I say this “oh, but you have to wait until the next movie”. Bullshit, if you include the MCU as all containing one narrative as the studio wants you to, then there’s been four (hah, Thor) movies since this one, and none of them have mentioned it. There’s another four (hah, Thor) movies until the next Thor one. So that’s eight movies you have to wait to find something out. Now if you include only the Thor ones, then that’s from 2013 to 2017, which is a four year wait for one plot point. I mean, yeah it’s a kind of ok plot twist, but it makes no sense once you think about it for more than thirty seconds.