Director: James Gunn (Slither, Super)

Budget: $232million

Box Office: $773million

• Did kids listen to this music back then? I mean, I did, but I was weird.
• Hah, “was”
• Plus, is a song which includes the repeated refrain “big boys don’t cry” a good song to listen to in the circumstances?
• Can’t anyone become a superhero without their parents dying nowdays? That’s the rouble with the world today, kids lack motivation.
• I’m curious as to what happened in those 26 years. Ok, it’s not as big an issue as it was in Fantastic 4 (or to give it it’s proper, stupid title: Fant4stic)
• How have the batteries lasted that long?
• Or the walkman?
• Or the tape itself?
• I mean, I went through about 5 cd players in my youth, and I very rarely went to space.
• The main hero kicks a tiny animal in the face. But it’s okay because they’re not earth-based. Which is a bit weird as when he was a kid he started fights with people purely because they hurt frogs. And now here’s him, as an adult, gleefully punting animals like rugby balls.
• “bereet”, is that because she looks like a beet?
• “your culture is a disease” that’s racist.
• Groot lost his arms. That’s an arm chopped off in every one of the stage 2 films. Seriously, why do Marvel hate limbs?
• “I live for the simple things, like how much this is going to hurt” That’s exactly what I was told last time I had sex.
• “I’m going to slather you in jelly” that sounds sexual.
• “this one here is our booty” still sounds sexual.
• So he wants to protect her despite her causing massive physical harm to him and being responsible for him getting arrested. Why? I theorise it’s entirely because he wants the booty.
• “Your words mean nothing to me” oooooooo, vienna. 
• “I could care less whether you live or die”. Ok, let’s get one thing straight America, that phrase makes zero sense. “I could care less” literally means “there is a situation in which I could care less, therefore I do care a little bit”. The phrase should be (and is, in every other country in the world) “couldn’t care less”. Because it implies you don’t care at all so there is no way you could care even less. The way you say it implies that despite the fact you don’t care much, you still care a little bit. “I could care less” basically says “I care a little bit”, which defeats your purpose.
• I bet he never uses that “snap a neck from a distance” on any of the heroes.
• “your demeanour is that of a child” yeah, and you’re wearing make-up like a teenage emo kid. You shouldn’t be killing people, you should be writing poetry on your blog about how girls ignore you.
• “all fire on my command” why not start with that?
• Those headphones blocked out a prison riot? My headphones get drowned out by cars driving past me.
• Not even that, but surely he should have seen something on the video screens?
• Okay his face is covered, but his hands aren’t, flying through space with uncovered hands would surely cause problems.
• He got abducted as a kid, how many kids know of Jackson Pollock?
• Surely he’s been threatened before? He collects artefacts so must have people attempt to rob him all the time, you’d think he’d have a defence set up.
• Bowie song! And now I’m sad. Seriously, what is going on this year? I found a facebook status a few years old about how bad it was that three celebrities had died that year already. That seems like a blessing compared to this year. Prince, Lemmy, Bowie, Rickman, Wood, the PG tips monkey.
• “I will not succumb to your pelvic sorcery” That’s pretty much exactly what my girlfriend said to me the first time we met.
• Holy shit Bradley Cooper gives a REALLY good vocal performance here.
• And with that he tells an entire bar full of outlaws how much money you’re about to come into.
• Hey it’s a tesseract.
• “it’s not a purse, it’s a knapsack” no, it’s a satchel. Indiana Jones has one.
• I haven’t seen Star Wars but I imagine it’s basically this.
• “normal people don’t even think about eating people” Oh, I guess I’m not normal then.
• Where did they get those matching red suits from? Did they stop at Matalan before continuing with their quest?
• “I think of them as paper people” Now, he doesn’t understand metaphors, so does that mean he literally thinks they’re people made of paper?
• “I don’t think anyone is 100 percent a dick” you’ve never met Katie Hopkins then.
• “We’re just like Kevin Bacon” doing awful adverts for EE?
• Wait, wasn’t the city evacuated? Where are all these people coming from?
• The two sisters are attacking each other with swords. I HATE these kind of fights. The ones where it cuts away before each impact. One on one fight scenes should cut as little as possible so the fight flows in one continuous motion. That way it looks like an actual fight, instead of a movie scene.
• She chops off her own hand. Seriously, marvel hates limbs.
• So he’s still using that stone just to throw people backwards instead of killing them?
• “your guardians of the galaxy” Hey, that’s the title of the movie!
• “what are you doing?” does it matter? Just kill him. Are people really distracted by singing and dancing? They’re not, trust me I tried.
• “it’s probably good we didn’t deliver him to his dad like we were hired to do” The worst dialogue in this entire movie. It’s like the script writer didn’t know how to deliver that information so just turned one of the final scenes into an exposition heavy nothing piece.
• “Ronan was only a puppet” No! That’s a metaphor! And that’s not what he’s meta-for. By which I mean, that line doesn’t make sense in the universe that they’ve created.
• Howard the f*cking duck.