For a long time, this was the only one I owned on DVD (yeah, I know, I’m odd) so I’ve always had a soft spot for it. A lot of people hate this film for some reason and see it as really weak, so I hope this rewatch doesn’t open my eyes to its suckiness and ruin it forever. That was the downside of the Musings On Marvel series, it really opened my eyes to a lot of issues those films have and made it slightly harder to enjoy them. Doing these is like dissecting a frog, you cut it open and accidentally kill it.
A great horror movie should make you feel uncomfortable very quickly. This film starts with the logo for Dimension Films, an offshoot of The Weinstein company. So, erm, job done, I guess?
So since the last film Cotton has become a talk show host, apparently the number one rated one in the country, but they all say that.
A jump scare utilising the scariest sound in human history; a song by Creed. Terrifying.
“okay Cotton, you know I don’t like your Stab games”. Wait, what exactly does Cotton do with his girlfriend at his house? Does their sexual roleplay involve murder? That’s……….not normal is it?
Cotton removes his jacket for seemingly no reason, almost just to show that Liev Schrieber had been working out. Actually, if rumours are to be believed that’s the exact reason that happened, he insisted on it.
This film came out at a really weird time, Hollywood was terrified of receiving backlash for seemingly causing the Columbine massacres so was keeping a watchful eye on violence in cinema. It got to the point where the producers wanted no blood at all in this film, how exactly would that have worked? I mean, you can do that in a new franchise but to go from 50 gallons in the first film to nothing in the third? You would have noticed the complete tonal 180 and it would have ruined it, which the producers would then blame on everybody except themselves.
“If we stop making horror movies, all the psychos would retire?” I doubt it, they don’t have the greatest pension plan.
“he was making a movie called Stab, he was stabbed” is used as a reason for police to believe the killing of Cotton was linked to the film. Which kind of makes me want to twat Robert Downey Jr. round the face with an Iron, man.
“you think serious black actors can just throw away jobs?” to prove his point he then mentions Usher and LL Cool J, who nobody takes seriously.
Jay and Silent Bob make a cameo appearance, that’s….odd to think they exist in this universe.
Scream goes for a random ghostly jump scare. It’s weird as this is the catalyst for Sidney returning from her self-imposed exile, which was the killers plan all along, but the killer can’t force this hallucination on her, so what would he have done if this never happened? His entire plan was focused on drawing her out, yet the only thing that does so is something he can’t control and is based entirely on luck.
“how are we supposed to learn our lines when there’s a new script every 15 fucking minutes?”, weren’t you just complaining that you’re only in two scenes? So no matter what changes it’s not as though you have a lot to learn.
“who gets killed third? You do”, and there we have the worst line reading in the history of the series.
So because of all the deaths, the films get cancelled, which is kind of odd as they’re based on real murders that happened about 6 months prior to the films being made. So really they’ll probably just delay it and use it the murders as inspiration for the third film. Speaking of which, why the hell is there a third film? The first Stab film was based on the murders in the first Scream film, which Gale Weathers wrote a book on (which was used as the basis of the script), presumably, the second one is based on the second set of murders, so what’s the third one based on? And as the person who wrote the book which (at least) the first one was based on, wouldn’t Gale know the third one is being made and the details of it?
Not-Dewey gets blown up by checking a fax in the dark by using a lighter in a room full of gas. So many ways this is basically just luck, what if he had a torch? What if he left the house then looked? What if nobody cared what the fax said?
Sidney finally comes back to meet the other characters. It takes nearly 50 minutes for Scream to Scream.
Hey, it’s Heather Matarazzo, a.k.a the girl who’s not Julie Andrews or Anne Hathaway from Princess Diaries.
Hey, Jamie Kennedy is back by oddly prescient videotape. I suppose that’s one way to kind of bring the character back without it feeling cheap.
And there goes Heather Matarazzo, shame, she should be in it more, just because she’s awesome.
Carrie Fisher cameo, playing someone who looks like Carrie Fisher and was nearly in Star Wars but wasn’t in it because she refused to sleep with George Lucas. So a film made by a company that’s an offshoot of Weinstein company has a scene where an actress loses out on a part because she refused to sleep with someone? Well, this just got a lot fucking creepier.
Okay, the producer of the Stab films is talking about sexually exploiting/raping women to get them parts in films. Talking about how “you have to play by the rules in this town”, and blacklisting actresses who won’t do it or who try to report it. Again, this is a film distributed by an off-shoot of the Weinstein company. This is…..uncomfortable viewing. Like that kind of creeping sensation you get where you feel your skin tightening, or like a hundred spiders are walking up your back.
“looks like Stab 3 is back in production”. That is not how to announce “crazy psycho killer is in the house”, rather flippant.
“I did not fuck that pig Milton just to die surrounded by second-rate actors like you”, yet another reference to a producer using his power to sexually exploit young women. This film is making me feel awful.
Dewey thinks someone is being killed behind a wall of mirrors, so he slowly shoots every single mirror, as opposed to just shooting one then walking through the gap.
So when the killer takes the mask off he needs to hold the voice changer to his mouth to change his voice, yet he wasn’t holding anything to his face during any other point, is there one in the mask?
Oddly tweet music accompanying the killer reveal, it sounds like Home Alone music.
So the killer’s justification is that Sidney gets all the attention that he craves? He’s a Hollywood director, she lives under a fake name in the middle nowhere, he’s definitely the more famous one of the two. Kind of odd as apart from that his motive is pretty logical, even his methods were logical, very few of the deaths are superfluous, even the ones you think are turn out to be “well otherwise they wouldn’t have told people” later on.
Kind of nice moment when the killer dies holding Sidney’s hand, sort of sweet.
Random fact, when Sidney stabs the killer with the ice pick, she missed the pad she was supposed to hit, and instead hit flesh, the second time in the series that’s happened.
And that’s the end of that, and I feel disgusted with Hollywood.
“If only you protected Janet with the same ferocity” That line only exists to get along plot details.
“I’m not going back, I’ve got a daughter to take care off” the same daughter you had BEFORE you went to prison? Or is it “well, she needed changing then, now she can look after herself”
Is he being shamed for working at a Baskin Robbins? Yeah, how dare he have a job to support his family. Shame! Shame! This is a big issue actually, certain jobs are seen as demeaning but people need to do them. People make fun of the server at McDonalds yet go in at 1am demanding that same person provide them with a burger.Jobs need doing, and these jobs need to be done by people. Don’t act all high and mighty like certain jobs aren’t “good enough” for people. You don’t want to do a job because you see it as demeaning? Then starve to f*cking death. Now, tis is different obviously from “this job makes me work 12 hours a day with no breaks and they pay me in stinging nettles”. That’s management being dicks, in which case, yeah, gain superpowers, sneak into manager’s house, pick them up and drop them in an active volcano.
Things I’ve spotted in the Baskin Robbins bosses office: an employee of the month sign above the sink, a microwave that isn’t plugged in, a rubber chicken, a wicker ball, a metal bucket.
“An Ant-Man” Hey! That’s the title of the movie.
Did nobody think to title them “small soldiers”?
“the ultimate combat advantage” wouldn’t it be more advantageous to be 10 times larger? There’s no good hitting people if nobody knows what’s hitting them as they won’t quit. You make them larger and entire armies will see it and give up.
That bunny is terrifying.
“He’s so ugly, I love him” My girlfriend says the exact same thing.
“you’re her hero”, how? She’s 5, he’s been in prison 3 years. Even if she could remember him she wouldn’t have enough to build him up to hero status.
This guy peed without shutting the bathroom door. He deserves to die.
This is a perfectly viable weapon that again is never used. I mean, he has a handheld weapon that can kill someone with no mess. No blood or anything, so no evidence. You literally flush the evidence down the toilet. That alone is a great weapon.
I have a feeling this montage of finding out about the “job” seems like one of the parts written by Edgar Wright.
This reference to Titanic also seems like Edgar Wright, it also seems exactly like the kind of thing I do: random pop culture references in middle of scenes which have no need for them. I would argue that point but I once put a critique of Love Actually in a scene which was basically a massive argument.
That door falling down still created a hell of a lot of noise.
If he is the size of an ant, surely that guy would still notice him in the bath? Would you not notice an ant in the bath?
This guy who’s entire dialogue is “what the hell” is comedian Garrett Morris who had the first appearance of Ant-Man in Saturday Night Live.
“set up a five block perimeter” for a petty theft? Are you kidding? He’s not exactly caused harm to people so that’s not a good use of resources.
This escape thing is fine, but you know what else would have made sense? Michael Douglas parking his car nearby with the window open so he could just go in there.
I know someone who saw this film and thought “just step on the Bullet Ants, how painful can they be?” Well, to answer that, bullshit. Bullet Ants are terrifying. It’s called a Bullet Ant because its sting feels like being shot. The Schmidt Pain Index is a real thing, and this is really high on it. Also, they shriek at you before attacking, because that’s not scary. Certain tribes use them as an initiation into manhood. They weave sleeves with hundreds of this things in, the stings facing inwards. They then wear them and get stung to holy hell. That’s not an exaggeration, this causes the arms to become useless for a few days, and cause spasms through the entire body. So THAT’S why you don’t just f*cking step on them.
So you control ants and make them put sugar in your tea? That’s just lazy.
The bald guy from House Of Cards is a dick to tiny sheep
“I think we should call the Avengers” So do I! In fact, I’d call them for everything. Changing my light bulbs, fixing my internet, getting the person in the queue in front of me to just MOVE FORWARD ALREADY!
“this is not some cute technology like the Iron Man Suit” Unnecessary shot!
“Plus they’re too busy dropping cities out of the sky” That was Ultron and you know it, dick.
Why ants? I’m serious, it’s never explained why he specifically can converse only with ants? Surely there’s other small things he could talk to, grasshoppers, lice, aphids, spiders. You’ve had this research for decades and figured out how to talk to ants, yet you have no incentive to push it forward to other species? Is it because it was called Ant-Man and you really hate not going with themes?
Where are the rest of the Avengers? Have they all gone home for the holidays and left one guy as the security?
Ant-Man punches Falcon too much. Literally all he needs to do is get his visual apparatus off, then he won’t be able to see him so he can just sneak in easier.
Next time you might want to start with “I got the thing” instead of leaving it until it’s suitably dramatic.
“I fought an Avenger and didn’t die”. Well, technically you fought an Avenger. But Falcon’s only an Avenger in the same way as Barcardi Breezers are alcoholic beverages. Technically right, but nobody counts it.
“this is the work of gypsies” That’s racist!
There is never a good reason to whistle “It’s A Small World”. Ever.
Can you even hit an ant with a bullet? Wouldn’t physics push the ant of the way?
Are those guys being attacked by Bullet Ants? If so it would be a lot more than “ow, slight pain”, they’d cry.
Hank Pym dies whilst I was writing that last one, I think.
Oh wait, he’s standing up.
Ok this is one of the best uses of music in Marvel movies, plus it’s The Cure.
Why is this guy so focused on killing Paul Rudd? Couldn’t he just move on with his life and sell the weapon and still get shit loads of money? This just seems like a distraction.
Where did those ants come from?
Ah, the old “throwing trains at the enemy trick”. So cliche, you know that’s exactly how the Roundheads beat the Cavaliers in 1651.
Can ants survive getting that big? Wouldn’t their exoskeleton collapse or something? It’s like how King Kong wouldn’t be able to run, or barely move.
“that’s a messed up looking dog”. Surely you can tell it’s an ant? I mean, it would be weird for us to see an ant that size, but we don’t have superheroes in this world. They do. Everybody could wake up and find their feet have been replaced by Big Macs and it still wouldn’t be the most surprising thing in the universe.
Imagine watching this whilst really stoned or under heavy medication. That would make a brilliant blog series actually: Medicated Musings. Exactly like these blogs, but recorded whilst either high or drunk.
She’s feeding that thing under the table. Does she want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.
And the post credits scene is a teaser for Avengers 3. I mean, Captain America: Civil War.
Director: Joss Whedon (writer of Toy Story and uncredited co-writer on Twister)
Budget: $250million
Box Office: $1.4billion
Why did you need to find the Loki Pokey stick? Wasn’t it at the top of the Avengers tower at the end of the Avengers movie? Was it stolen at some point in the Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D series? And if so, f*ck that noise. Don’t make me hours of a TV show necessary viewing for a movie that’s already way too long.
“lasting a little long, boys” Yeah I’ve had that problem before.
“Fire on the weak ones” See, this is why you don’t have weak ones.
“send in the Iron Legion” Why not start with that? That way you don’t have to even be there.
Wait, didn’t he promise to destroy all the suits at the end of Iron Man 3?
Do the people here understand English? Surely that’s a logical flaw Tony Stark would have fixed?
“I want to poke it with something”. That’s exactly how I deal with almost every problem.
“yay” Is Tony Stark now a fifteen year old girl? I mean, what kind of self respecting person says “yay”? Note: I don’t count, I don’t respect myself.
See, this annoys the hell out of me. That shot of the broken shield was used in the trailer. It created intrigue. I was waiting, wondering how that happened, wondering what force could create that. And then I found out: dream sequence, didn’t happen, doesn’t matter. F*ck you film industry. It’s one of the most annoying things about film trailers and I’d love to see it stopped, that, and ruining cameos. There was no reason to showcase that Spider-Man is in Civil War. Close to that: people in the trailer who are only in a handful of scenes. Such as Hugh Grant in Man From U.N.C.L.E.
“no pepper? no jane?” Yeah, we couldn’t afford for them to come to this party.
“Jane’s better” normally I would really disagree with you, but the other person is Gwyneth Paltrow so it’s more like “please, please, they’re both terrible people”
Wait, you’re a celebrity funded by a multi million dollar agency. How do you not have enough money?
“this was not meant for mortal men” But you are mortal! Your mother died just a few movies ago, and you think your brother died. You should be aware of mortality by now.
“he’s also a huge dork, chicks dig that”. As someone who is almost the court jester of dorks I can confirm this is most definitely not true.
“on the world’s leading authority on waiting too long”, no. You slept for most of that, does not count.
If I was Thor I’d totally leave the hammer on the toilet seat so people couldn’t pee.
Tony Stark makes a joke about raping the women of Asgard. Comedy!
So Captain is “slightly” worthy?
Ultron waited until all the other party guests left before attacking.
An evil robot in a Marvel movie? Wow, never seen that before.
The film isn’t perfect, but James Spaders performance is pretty close.
So Ultron went on the internet and now hates the world? I see he’s seen the Daily Mail comments section then.
“he’s taken the Loki Pokey stick and now we have to find it, again”. Even the movie knows it’s repeating itself.
“it was built in the centre of the city so everyone could be equally close”. That’s not true, as in, that wouldn’t work. Unless there’s only one line of houses in a perfect circle then there’s going to be people living closer. I mean, draw a perfect circle on the floor, mark the centre, now stand two meters away, now have someone else stand one meter away from the centre. Are you both the same distance from the middle? No, you’re not. Lee: making fun of movies via math. Usually I only comfort people with mathematics, and that’s only during certain circumstances.
“our parents go in”, wait, your dad is Magneto. So does Magneto die really early on in this universe? Harsh.
“Cuttlefish: deep sea fish, they make lights” no they don’t. You’re describing an anglerfish.
Just realised they’re in Wakanda, shouldn’t Black Panther be there?
Movie spend the time providing a backstory to Black Widow when surely she should have had her own movie do that for her?
Wait, was that Clara Oswald? For one shot.
So Black Widow fantasises in cinematic low angle shots?
Why isn’t the hulkbuster suit the default suit?
I assume there was a deleted scene here which explains why Thor is just f’ing off. How do these films manage to be both too long, and have so many things missing?
“they have a graduation ceremony where they sterilise you” Apparently Greenwich Uni has the same procedure.
Wait, did they take the only strong female character in this thing and make her tragic backstory tie into childbirth? Damnit. And if you don’t see why this is problematic: imagine if Captain America’s main backstory was that the serum turned him sterile, and that was his biggest issue. See how weird that would be? But they had to make the only female character the only one who has a backstory that involves childbirth.
“everytime someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die”. As opposed to normal wars where absolutely no innocent people die.
“guy’s multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit”. I never noticed that line before.
Why did Ultron shoot the road, not the person?
“how do you want me to take it”. Obvious sex joke is obvious.
“without the homicidal glitch that he thinks are his winning personality” oh but without that I have nothing.
Why is he keeping Black Widow alive? It’s not to lure the Avengers there, as they kind of already have reason to find him and attack him.
Hey it’s a naked Paul Bettany, that’s never been done before.
Wait, where did he get the cape from?
Paul Bettany delivers what is essentially a shakespeare monologue in a film that doesn’t really deserve it.
Ok, that bit where Vision picked up the hammer was pretty awesome.
Quicksilver uses Adidas.
It’s a shame Quicksilver was done better in X-Men Days Of Future past otherwise that bit would have been awesome.
It’s a shame we’ve seen Magneto lift a stadium up in X-Men Days Of Past otherwise that bi….god damnit.
This plan doesn’t really work, that mass dropping wouldn’t have same impact as a meteor of the same size. The reason meteors cause so much damage is because they have high levels of speed because they’ve dropped such a great height. This land mass isn’t being raised high enough to gather enough speed.
Other point: if this city is being raised to 18,000 feet, shouldn’t that change the temperature? Should be below zero surely.
“you get killed” he says, as the camera focuses on the only main character to die.
Wait, can Captain now call his shield to him with telepathy?
Yeah, good job Captain America and Thor, saving those two people when you could be saving a lot more.
“Thor, you’re bothering me”. He bothers me too.
Hadouken!
Hawkeye wastes valuable time making stupid jokes. Funny stupid jokes that were adlibbed on set but still.
“Where else am I going to get a view like this?” A mountain, a plane, riding Iron Man?
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” His mother’s probably been dead for like a century, not cool!
“show em what we’ve got” Yeah, that’s right, show that army you’ve got one guy in a suit. They’ll be shitting themselves.
“if you get through this, I’ll hold your own”. Well, they both survived, so I assume that scene will be in Civil War.
Villain tries to say a funny line and gets hit by Hulk. Just like in the first movie.
Finally a major hero dies.
Well, I say “major”, he had like 20 minutes of screen time, if that.
So things that aren’t worthy can’t keep the hammer aloft? There was a moment in the last Thor movie where the hammer was put on a coat hook, was the coat hook worthy?
Holy crap that film felt long.
Oh wait, it was long.
Thanos decides to retrieve the stones himself. You know if he did this earlier, these films would’ve been other before Thor. Ah, we live in hope.
Did kids listen to this music back then? I mean, I did, but I was weird.
Hah, “was”
Plus, is a song which includes the repeated refrain “big boys don’t cry” a good song to listen to in the circumstances?
Can’t anyone become a superhero without their parents dying nowdays? That’s the rouble with the world today, kids lack motivation.
I’m curious as to what happened in those 26 years. Ok, it’s not as big an issue as it was in Fantastic 4 (or to give it it’s proper, stupid title: Fant4stic)
How have the batteries lasted that long?
Or the walkman?
Or the tape itself?
I mean, I went through about 5 cd players in my youth, and I very rarely went to space.
The main hero kicks a tiny animal in the face. But it’s okay because they’re not earth-based. Which is a bit weird as when he was a kid he started fights with people purely because they hurt frogs. And now here’s him, as an adult, gleefully punting animals like rugby balls.
“bereet”, is that because she looks like a beet?
“your culture is a disease” that’s racist.
Groot lost his arms. That’s an arm chopped off in every one of the stage 2 films. Seriously, why do Marvel hate limbs?
“I live for the simple things, like how much this is going to hurt” That’s exactly what I was told last time I had sex.
“I’m going to slather you in jelly” that sounds sexual.
“this one here is our booty” still sounds sexual.
So he wants to protect her despite her causing massive physical harm to him and being responsible for him getting arrested. Why? I theorise it’s entirely because he wants the booty.
“I could care less whether you live or die”. Ok, let’s get one thing straight America, that phrase makes zero sense. “I could care less” literally means “there is a situation in which I could care less, therefore I do care a little bit”. The phrase should be (and is, in every other country in the world) “couldn’t care less”. Because it implies you don’t care at all so there is no way you could care even less. The way you say it implies that despite the fact you don’t care much, you still care a little bit. “I could care less” basically says “I care a little bit”, which defeats your purpose.
I bet he never uses that “snap a neck from a distance” on any of the heroes.
“your demeanour is that of a child” yeah, and you’re wearing make-up like a teenage emo kid. You shouldn’t be killing people, you should be writing poetry on your blog about how girls ignore you.
“all fire on my command” why not start with that?
Those headphones blocked out a prison riot? My headphones get drowned out by cars driving past me.
Not even that, but surely he should have seen something on the video screens?
Okay his face is covered, but his hands aren’t, flying through space with uncovered hands would surely cause problems.
He got abducted as a kid, how many kids know of Jackson Pollock?
Surely he’s been threatened before? He collects artefacts so must have people attempt to rob him all the time, you’d think he’d have a defence set up.
Bowie song! And now I’m sad. Seriously, what is going on this year? I found a facebook status a few years old about how bad it was that three celebrities had died that year already. That seems like a blessing compared to this year. Prince, Lemmy, Bowie, Rickman, Wood, the PG tips monkey.
“I will not succumb to your pelvic sorcery” That’s pretty much exactly what my girlfriend said to me the first time we met.
Holy shit Bradley Cooper gives a REALLY good vocal performance here.
And with that he tells an entire bar full of outlaws how much money you’re about to come into.
Hey it’s a tesseract.
“it’s not a purse, it’s a knapsack” no, it’s a satchel. Indiana Jones has one.
I haven’t seen Star Wars but I imagine it’s basically this.
“normal people don’t even think about eating people” Oh, I guess I’m not normal then.
Where did they get those matching red suits from? Did they stop at Matalan before continuing with their quest?
“I think of them as paper people” Now, he doesn’t understand metaphors, so does that mean he literally thinks they’re people made of paper?
“I don’t think anyone is 100 percent a dick” you’ve never met Katie Hopkins then.
“We’re just like Kevin Bacon” doing awful adverts for EE?
Wait, wasn’t the city evacuated? Where are all these people coming from?
The two sisters are attacking each other with swords. I HATE these kind of fights. The ones where it cuts away before each impact. One on one fight scenes should cut as little as possible so the fight flows in one continuous motion. That way it looks like an actual fight, instead of a movie scene.
She chops off her own hand. Seriously, marvel hates limbs.
So he’s still using that stone just to throw people backwards instead of killing them?
“your guardians of the galaxy” Hey, that’s the title of the movie!
“what are you doing?” does it matter? Just kill him. Are people really distracted by singing and dancing? They’re not, trust me I tried.
“it’s probably good we didn’t deliver him to his dad like we were hired to do” The worst dialogue in this entire movie. It’s like the script writer didn’t know how to deliver that information so just turned one of the final scenes into an exposition heavy nothing piece.
“Ronan was only a puppet” No! That’s a metaphor! And that’s not what he’s meta-for. By which I mean, that line doesn’t make sense in the universe that they’ve created.
Why does Captain America need to jog? Isn’t his strength and fitness derived from the serum so he doesn’t need to exercise at all. Unless he’s just bored, in which case, go fight bad guys or something.
Wait, he’s got “Thai food” on the list of things to research? Dude, just go eat Thai Food. Done.
And Sean Connery? Not a list of films he’s in, or anything like that. Just Sean Connery in general?
The Captain America plan to getting into a building:
Stealthy stealthy stealthy
Flippy flippy flippy
Loud noise! Throw shield into room so everyone knows you’re there.
Isn’t Captain super strong etc? I mean, he went toe to toe with Iron Man in Avengers, now a regular bearded dude troubles him?
“last time I trusted someone I lost an eye”, I know, people always say “I’ll tap your head a second before” but they never do.
“agent Romanov is comfortable with everything”, so that’s why you make her wear that skintight costume.
Fury gives a detailed nostalgic history of himself, he’s going to get shot.
“greatest generation, you guys did some nasty stuff” “for freedom!”. Random fact: the Nazi party got their influence for their eugenics programme from a programme in California. U S A! U S A! U S A!
Why does his friend have his own exhibit at the museum? There’s nothing about Churchill’s bff at the war museum.
How did he find out where she lived?
“I thought I could throw myself back in, serve in the army again”. You barely served in the Army. You spent most of your time doing theatre.
“you saved the world”. I mean, yeah, it’s a shame that Captain America doesn’t exist in real life so Germany won the war and the world has been destroyed. That sucked when the world was destroyed. I hadn’t even finished paying off my sofa.
Why holograms? Why not just skype? This is literally just technological dick measuring. And just as messy.
This film continues the MCU tradition of hoping that merely mentioning the other Marvel characters will stop us wondering why they never turn up to help each other.
“he has to socialise”. You want Iron Man to socialise at a kids birthday party? He’ll probably try to fuck the mother and get the kid drunk.
Holograms on the car window now? That’s not just pointless, that’s also highly distracting and possibly illegal.
I would question how they think they could stage a police attack then remembered that Nick Fury is black so they’d just need to say he littered so they had to shoot him.
“to build a better world we need to destroy the old one”. Wow, I wonder if this guy’s evil.
This fight would be over in about 5 seconds if they used the paralysing technology from Iron Man 1.
F*ck off can he fall that far and be okay. Super soldier or not, he still has to obey the laws of physics.
“he refused to share information” so you kill him? Surely one of the people working there realises that’s unfair justice.
“two dozen assassinations in over 50 years” That’s really not many at all. That’s like one every two years. That’s nowhere near enough to have that big a file. I mean, if I get a few more I’ve beaten that record.
Oh please. As if Captain America knows about function overrides on computers.
“if you guys need anything. I’ve been Aaron” so who are you now?
He didn’t eject it properly! That flash drive is going to crash.
That just says which buttons are pressed. Not in which order.
Wait, he’s seen War Games but not Star Wars or any of the Rocky albums?
Wait, so THIS is the guy they decide to save his brain? He’s quite useless.
“if you try to take freedom, they resist”. Really? No shit.
How did they get such high-quality footage on a green and black monitor? This would be like watching TV on an old Game Boy. Which you can’t do.
So the lesson is, don’t trust Swiss people?
So they blew that building up, and all that data, just to kill two people?
“seem pretty chipper for a guy who died for nothing”. Well, you know, except Nazi’s.
Oh, so we can’t get Iron Man or anything, but don’t worry, we’ve got the senator from Iron Man 2 in here.
So Falcon has never been seen in any of these films? He wasn’t called to save the president in Iron Man 3, or to save New York in Avengers?
Rolling out of a car at that speed would cut your skin up so you looked like a kebab.
For two super cool assassins, their aim sure is terrible.
Winter soldier destroys a strangers car. More like Winter So-D’ya Have To Be So Rude?
Superhero landing!
They keep shooting at his shield instead of his legs.
Surprise! Except it’s totally not a surprise. It’s really obvious so why did they leave it so long?
By the way, this scene should totally have an 80’s power ballad playing over it.
How did they decide to use this a hiding space? “We need to think of a hiding space, any idea where?” “damn” “perfect!”
“about damn time”. Yeah, you should have got shot earlier, damn you ScarJo.
Wait, I’m fairly certain Zola was on the same train that Bucky fell off, and was captured almost immediately after. So he could not have been there when he woke up. No, no, no, nothing about this makes sense at all, and horses can’t talk!.
Wait, first Aldrich loses his arm in a battle in Iron Man 3, then Loki chops off Thors arm in The Dark World, now Bucky last an arm too? Marvel hates arms.
Awesome, a scene to show a friendship we already knew existed. Great.
People think that Chris Evans transformation to Captain America was well done, but Sebastian Stans transformation from Bucky to the Winter Soldier is a lot better. He’s almost unrecognisable.
Hey it’s Abed. Hey Abed.
That actually makes sense, the directors for this were hired due to their work on the paintball episodes of Community. That’s the good thing about the MCU, they’ve taken risks with new directors from different genres. Doctor Strange is being directed by Scott Derrickson, who’s known mainly for horror. They’re not sticking with established directors, in fact, the most well known one they had was Kenneth Branagh. And even that was a risk.
“what if Pakistan invaded Mumbai and you knew they were going to drag your daughters into a soccer stadium”. Football! Not soccer. That’s probably the most evil thing he’s done.
They never use this disguise technology again.
“are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you really are?” with how tight her clothes are, we already know.
They fired like 8 missiles at one person. No wonder the US military spend so much with that kind of wastage.
Even Michael Bay thinks these explosions are “a bit much”
“it’s trending”. Wait, I pretty much used that exact line the year before in a film. Bastards!
“unless you want a hole in your sternum”. 1) that’s not where the sternum is. 2) couldn’t you have done that earlier when she was hitting people?
“order only comes through pain” kinky.
Does Captain America really need to attempt to sacrifice himself? HYDRA has been exposed, and the missiles aren’t aimed at cities anymore so everyone’s safe. And we’ve already seen he can jump from great heights and be completely okay for some reason.
Captain drops his one of a kind shield out of the flying vehicle, yet somehow you know he’ll find it again.
“there’s nothing more horrifying than a miracle” I dunno, genocide?
Are supposed to be surprised Bucky is alive? I mean, we saw him walk away, this scene literally serves no purpose.
This entire movie is basically a prequel for Avengers.
You know who could have played this role just as well as Hugo Weaving? Raul Julia. If it wasn’t for him dying in 1994.
“and the Fuhrer digs for trinkets in the desert” Personally? I’d have thought he would be busy with nazi stuff like killing, being racist, and making tea by putting milk in first.
“even Little Timmy is doing his part”, I hate little Timmy
Yeah, I know I mock films, but I generally don’t do it whilst the film is playing in the cinema, and I definitely don’t do it to newsreel footage of soldiers fighting nazis. “boo, stop killing one of the most evil dictatorships of this century and get back to playing Yankee Doodle Dandy”
Side note: a film called “Yankee Doodle Dandy” not only exists but has an oscar to its name? Wow.
“just start the cartoon?” Wait, this is about a cartoon? And about 50 years before pixar? So he was this excited about seeing f*cking Bambi?
Wait, so nobody else decided to stop this asshole from mocking the army?
Guy introduces himself by using his own full name. I, [insert name here] Jr., think that’s ridiculous.
Damn this film is beautifully shot. It’s just wonderful, even a still shot makes it seem like it’s from the 1940s.
“there are already so many big men fighting this war, maybe what we need now is a little guy”. So you inject a small guy with super serum to make him a big guy? If you really want a small guy, call Ant-Man, not Paul Rudd, Hank Pym, was he around this time? I dunno, I can’t remember the timeline.
“Dr. Zola”, see, I don’t like that name as it just reminds me of the old Chelsea footballer so is too hard to take seriously. It would be like if in 10 years there was an evil guy in a film called Dr. Beckham or Dr. Rooney.
“what’s with the accent Queen Victoria? I thought i was signing up for the US Army”, says an english actor with a terrible American accent.
Stupidest criteria ever. Why pick the guy who needlessly kills himself at the first opportunity by jumping on a grenade that wouldn’t hurt anybody else because they had done the sensible thing and run away? This would be like stopping someone getting hit by a car by jumping in front of a car, whilst the car was in no danger of hitting anybody.
“he’s still skinny”, yeah but you’re going to inject him with totally-not-steroids anyway so what does it matter.
“he and Hitler share a passion for the occult”, wait, what’s evil about liking diary products?
Oh wait, that’s Yakult.
“good becomes better, bad becomes worst”, so in this universe it’s not only hammers who make judgement calls, it’s also serums. I said yesterday how it would suck to have Hitler with a hammer, but this film is set in the 1940’s, so that’s a genuine concern in this.
Guy shares heartbreaking back story, he’s definitely going to die.
“I got beat up in that alleyway, and behind that diner, and in that park”, then maybe the problem is you.
“somebody get that kid a sandwich”, someone get me a sandwich
See, told you he’d die.
So he just walked out of that crash completely fine? Bullshit.
Two moments with shields in the first hour? F*ck you movie.
You know he’s evil because he throws a kid in the water. Only way they could make him more blatantly evil is if he did a nazi salute. Which in this film is an actual possibility.
“cut off one head, two more will take it’s place” then why is your slogan one head with many tentacles? You’ve got that backwards. Your logo is bad and you should feel bad.
“you think this is about appearances?” Yeah, do you think Hitler’s racist or something?
Wait, this war was funded by kids buying comics? Dark.
“who’ll kick the Krauts to Japan”. There’s so much wrong with that sentence.
Dane Cook auditioned for the lead in this film. As did two of the Jonas brothers. Oh thank god they didn’t get it.
That shield is way too bright to make it a viable option for sneaking in.
Wait, there’s like zero guards there?
“Yeah, I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over 200 times”. He does know that wasn’t the real Hitler, right?
Oh, so THAT’S why he’s called Red Skull. Because he has a red skull.
We’re only an hour into this movie, so does anybody really buy that they killed the main character?
“captain Rogers”, wait, they made him an actual captain? I though that was a fake name bestowed upon him like Private Stash or Major Gunns.
“I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action” ooo sexy.
This is a waste of Natalie Dormer.
Still not as wasted as Idris was in Thor though.
“you still don’t understand women” of course he doesn’t, he’s from the 1940’s. If this was period accurate he’d consider “punching in the stomach” an acceptable pregnancy prevention.
So after 80 minutes we finally get Captain America, and then only in montage.
Random fact: Sesame Street was banned in Mississippi because it showed black children and white children living together in harmony. This was in the 1970’s, AFTER they supposedly fought a war to stop racism. I know this has nothing to do with this film, I just think more people should know this, fuck Mississippi, you backwards racist bastards.
Considering that the guy was likely to be German, that could almost be a literal Wilhelm Scream.
Why did they trust Captain America again? Yeah he’s strong and brave, but he hasn’t had any actual military training in terms of preparation and planning.
Red Skull literally just stood there for 20 seconds, he had plentiful time to shoot people as they were coming in.
Side note: soldiers crashing through the window, this is why bond villains have underground lairs.
Oh thank god only nameless people have died, they totally don’t have family back home waiting for them so we shouldn’t feel sad or mourn them, or even talk about them ever again. No, the true sad thing is that his friend went missing.
Captain America attempts to kiss Agent Carter in the tunnel, brave move for a first option.
It’s lucky soldiers can only shoot what’s directly in front of them so that nobody shot Captain as he was running beside them.
Yeah, just stand up in the car that’s teetering over the edge, don’t attempt to climb out or anything.
Wait, he labels his missiles? Huge giveaway.
Captain finds a bunch of missiles with names of major cities written on them, but only reacts to the one that says “New York”. Because who gives a shit about Chicago or Boston, right? Not as though people live there.
“i have seen the future, there are no flags”, then what do people wave at Donald Trump rally’s?
Wait, so Thor, Odin, none of the Asgardians etc, noticed this HUGE display of energy? They’re not gods, they’re idiots.
So they happened to pick one of the few baseball games he was actually at? Could they have not done the simple thing and just, I don’t know, picked another game. One that happened after Captain was frozen. I think they still had baseball games after 1945 but I’m not certain, I haven’t checked.
Damn, this isn’t the Ang Lee one. Which is a shame as then I could have made the “Don’t make me Ang Lee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m Ang Lee” joke. Now I can’t 😦 I hate life and everybody in it.
Random fact, the director wanted Mark Ruffalo as the lead but was declined. As such we will now never ever know what Mark Ruffalo would look like as The Hulk. Never, ever, ever.
Entire origin story takes place during the opening credits. Thank god for that otherwise it would have added like an extra two hours onto the run time.
“The best way to control your anger is to control your body”. It’s taken him years to be told this? I’d have thought that would be the first lesson.
One slap round the face gets him that annoyed? If I got that annoyed everytime I got slapped in the face it would just distract me from the prostitute I paid for.
Edward Norton is being smart and scientific, you can tell this because he’s wearing glasses.
How did he miss that REALLY obvious blood on the bottle?
Everyone’s looking at him like he’s crazy, as if we’re supposed to think that everyone doesn’t know why he’s worried about his blood getting in the drink. Even without it being Hulk blood, that’s still not something a business wants in their drink. And I know “but they’re a Brazilian company, they don’t have health codes like we do”, maybe, but even Coca Cola wouldn’t want blood in their drink, and they’re practically Satan.
“get lost, gringo” That’s racist, I think.
“You wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry”. Ok, let’s get this clarified: “Angry” in Portuguese is either: Irritado, com raiva, zangado, furioso, colerico, or amarrado, whilst “Hungry” is: com fome, faminto, esfomeado, avido, ansioso, desejoso, pobre, esteril, arido, or pouco productivo. There’s no way you can mistake the two in that language, it really only works in English. You’d think Edward “Everything Must Be Perfect Or Else I Will Stab Everyone” Norton would have picked that up. Cute joke though.
“another failure” The exact same language was used by my family when they announced my birth.
“living with gamma poisoning not safe”. Thank god for scientists, I never would have known that.
Hey Tim Roth’s in this movie.
Oh god, Tim Roth’s in this movie. Poor Tim Roth.
Still, better than United Passions.
Sure, just shut down your laptop. Don’t wait for him to answer or anything. Dick.
These guys didn’t even check the exits? They’re awful planners.
Tim Roth shoots a dog.
Yeah, that’s good, hide your identity and then stare straight at the the guy hunting you. You’re an idiot.
“Do not lose him” oh really? Well I was going to just let him escape but now you said that.
I’ve never had to run across rooftops to escape people, yet it seems to happen in almost every film.
All those coke bottles behind him, Holy product placement Batman!
“Not so tough now are you?” Yeah, you show what a strong guy you are by hitting him when two other people holding him down. You big man, you very very strong man.
We’ve already established this factory is not doing that great financially, repairing all this damage could bankrupt it. People talk about the damage done to New York in the Avengers movie, but they’re able to pay it off. This company is ruined.
“who’s this woman in this newspaper clipping?”. Wait, so you didn’t even take a look at the newspaper clipping and see that this woman has the same name as the guy giving you orders? You suck, Tim Roth (please note the punctuation there, there’s an important difference between “You suck, Tim Roth”, and “You suck Tim Roth”).
“He threw a forklift truck like it was a softball”. No Russian person who was raised in England would ever use the word “softball”. At all.
“Days without incident: 1”. No, it’s zero, he had an incident just before, it doesn’t count as one if it’s on the same day. You wouldn’t say “I haven’t had chocolate for a whole day” just because you’re not eating chocolate right at that moment.
Distance between Brazil and Guatemala: 3,000 miles. How on earth did he go that far without people noticing?
Music from the original Incredible Hulk series reminds us that this is in fact, a movie. Maybe that’s the problem with this film, everyone is really familiar with the character, a lot more than they are any other of the characters from the MCU. So everyone goes in with preconceptions about the character which makes it hard to bring something new to the table.
“In WW2” Don’t be that guy, just say “world war 2”. Don’t say “WW2”, you sound like a prick and it takes longer to say, it’s like double the syllables.
“he thought he was working on radiation resistance. I would never have told him what the project really was”. That’s the perfect way to get accurate scientific data, have them attempt something else.
“that mans whole body is the property of the US army”. Sounds a bit rapey.
Edward Norton is using Norton antivirus. Hah!
Yeah, that’s it Liv Tyler, walk out on your date without saying a word. Rude!
Rain powered entirely by emotion.
“he wants to make it a weapon” A weapon he can’t control or order around. Having an army of Hulks would cause a lot of damage, yes, but a lot of it would be to your own army. It would be like having an army of bears.
Note to self: find army costumes for bears.
Ok, this is a visually impressive set-up, the whole “Hulk in the glass covered room which is full of smoke”, but it’s not really done effectively. They showed the transformation and the view from inside the room. What they should have done is the last we see is him as Banner, then silence, and then Hulk bursts out of the smoke.
Why does everyone keep shooting him? Surely after the first shots have absolutely no effect you’d think of a different tactic?
So this takes place on a University campus in middle of the day, and there’s only two bystanders? There were more bystanders at college when a car crashed into a lamp-post.
Do they ever use these sonic cannons again? Does every Marvel film feature a fantastic weapon which for some reason is never used again?
This movie is pretty much responsible for keeping rain machines in business.
Jesus how much did Coke pay to be in this film so much?
So he can swallow a usb stick and it still works? Yet I have one in my pocket for a twenty minute walk to uni and it stops.
Wait, so he can’t have sex without hulking out? What about masturbation? So he hasn’t jacked off for years? That might be why he’s so angry, I stopped for two weeks once and committed a small genocide in Rwanda.
Can The Hulk get high? Serious question, couldn’t he just get really really stoned? Or maybe he tried and that’s why he’s so green.
“I had to make more” Wait, you can just make more blood? Then why the fuck do the NHS keep asking for mine?
“I will never forgive what you’ve done to him” for some reason I hate that sentence. It just sounds really clunky, like it’s been translated into english from a foreign language.
“The mixture could be……….an Abomination”. Hmmm, I wonder which Marvel character Tim Roth will turn into.
Bruce’s blood landed on his head wound, what are the odds of that?
“That’s impossible”, oh so now you start to question things.
So the lead character has to fight someone with the same superpowers as him? Just like Iron Man then? Or Thor. Or Ant-Man
“You think a rifle’s going to hurt that?” Most logical sentence in this film.
So his plan involves jumping out of a plane with no parachute? I tried that once, I didn’t save anybodies life and now I’m banned from British Airways
Hulk and Abomination just holding onto each other. Now kiss!
Did Hulk just stop the fire by clapping? I’m going to try that next time I see a fire heading towards me. If it doesn’t work and I die, someone sue Marvel.
Look, we know you’re in the Army but “reload” instead of “another drink”? Just makes you sound like a twat.
This is the only Marvel film without a post-credits scene. Instead it puts it just before the ending credits, like a normal film does.
Troubled Productions 