Dungeons And Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023) Review

Quick Synopsis: A ragtag group of misfits go on a fetch quest.

Dungeons And Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (or to give it the title it should have if it’s spelt correctly: Dungeons And Dragon: Honour Among Thieves. Or as a shorter title: DADHAT) is actually the fourth Dungeons And Dragons movie, the previous ones starring Jeremy Irons, Marlon Wayans, and Thora Birch. Well, I say “previous ones”, they were all in the first one. The other two feature actors who are…..not as well known, and were released straight to DVD. So it’s fair to say expectations for this were not exactly what you’d call sky-high. Added to that, it was originally scheduled for release back in 2021, and a film being delayed by almost 2 years is never a good sign (for evidence of this: New Mutants, Morbius, and countless more). There’s not even a huge star to anchor this. Chris Pine is a good actor, sure, but he’s not at the level where members of the general public who don’t often go to the cinema will pay to see a film because he’s in it. So is there any hope for this film at all?

Turns out there is. Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley (who previously directed the supremely underrated Game Night) used a sneaky trick which I suspect may help this film turn a profit. A devious and sneaky trick which other studios may want to pick up on; they made a good film. I’m surprised more studios don’t do that tbh, it could become a trend. In fact, I’m hoping it does.

Now I’m not saying this is a great film, but it is definitely better than it needs to be. There’s a scene where a shapeshifter runs through a building and outside to her friends, they could have done this in any manner of ways to make their job easier. Instead; it’s one long continuous shot. That was completely unnecessary, nobody would have criticised it for going slightly cheaper by having the transformations happen off-screen (so a mouse runs behind a curtain, a tiger runs out etc), or even if they only did two transformations. Instead, it’s like the directors WANTED to make things difficult for themselves, and I admire that.

It’s moments like that that make you realise that DADHAT was made by people who actually gave a shit about what they were making. This extends to the performance too; Daisy Head (daughter of English Vampire/Richmond FC botherer Anthony Head, not relevant, but I only just discovered that and wanted to share it) spends most of the film with more make-up than [insert name of a woman that the internet has decided it hates now] and is still giving it everything. Hugh Grant is clearly in the “shits and giggles” stage of his career. It’s said that some struggling actors base decisions on what will allow them to eat that month. Hugh Grant definitely does that, only the thing he eats is the scenery, which he chews like you would not believe. It’s amazing to watch and gives you the impression that everyone on set was having a lot of fun. The chemistry between the cast will make you think they’ve all worked together as an ensemble (as opposed to working individually as ensembles obviously) multiple times. Some of the performers you will know; Hugh Grant, Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez, even Bradley Cooper makes a random appearance. But the “new” performers more than earn their spot. Rege-Jean Page makes the journey from Bridgerton to Tonnes-Of-Bridges with ease. I wouldn’t say he’s the best performer, but he has such a magnificent screen presence that if a movie studio had any brains they’d sign him to lead a franchise. Justice Smith continues to be an entertaining presence (as he was in Detective Pikachu). My personal favourite is Sophia Lillis (best known from IT, Sharp Objects, and I Am Not Okay With This). Her performance as Doric is a delight to watch and I hope leads to even more for her in the future.

So what stops me from enjoying this even more? Because there are a few things it does badly. It’s difficult to take the threat seriously, because at times it feels like the characters aren’t. They do show fear when directly facing an enemy, and they do talk about their worries, but they also spend too much time making jokes about the situation they’re in. So because the characters don’t take it seriously, the audience doesn’t either, so there’s no tension. The attempt at emotion doesn’t really ring true. Finally, the “final boss” so to speak isn’t pushed as a big threat either, she barely gets a chance to flex her villainous muscles before she’s defeated.

Wait, underwhelming villain, tonally inappropriate jokes, zero tension, CGI Bradley Cooper, a final battle that is just CGI, and a lead actor called Chris. Is DADHAT part of the MCU?

2022 In Film: Day Seven (The Good)

Black Adam

Ups: One of the stronger DC films of last few years.

Genuinely surprising twist.

Is nice to see a big budget super hero film without a white protaganist.

Has genuine emotion.

Downs: Underwritten villain.

Generic plot

Needs to be more violent.

Doesn’t explain some characters well enough.

Best Moment: The reveal. Has actual emotion and explains so much of what happened before.

Worst Moment: The final battle is a bit underwhelming.

Best Performer: Noah Centino. He has to be good otherwise the character would seem like a Deadpool/Ant-Man rip-off.

Opening: Flashback to 2600BC. Not a terrible way to start the film, slightly too over-stylized, but gets the job done. It does explain it all much quicker than similar films, so props for that.

Closing: Going to go with the post-credits scene here. Superman turns up, in Henry Cavill’s last performance in the role. I don’t think anything will happen with that now so seems a bit of a waste.

Best Line: “Tell them the man in black sent you.”, just before Black Adam rips someone in half. Needed more of that.

Original Review here

Catch The Fair One

Ups: Script is very good at realising the darkness in humanity.

Says a lot about how kidnapping is treated by people, especially when it happens to non-white people.

Downs: You might find it a bit too bleak, to be expected given the subject matter.

Best Moment: The kidnapping. Only because it’s so naturally done. There’s no dramatic music leading up to it. It’s unexpected and shocking. There’s a lot of choices in this though; the missing persons group was also up there for being chosen

Worst Moment: Going to be a bit weird, but I’m chosing an argument between the main character and her mother. It’s REALLY good, but it’s not followed up on. If they followed it up, this would be a difficult section because there are no weak scenes. But with a scene THAT good being worthless, feels like a waste.

Best Performer: Kali Reis

Opening: Training for a boxing match. The sparring session is done as a 30-second one-take that highlights how physically impressive a performer she is. That’s to be expected though, as she is a boxer. It has a weirdly haunting score too. So far, so good, but standard. Then she wakes up and you notice there’s blood on the bed. Something so simple yet added so much.

Closing: Dream sequence. I get why, it’s the only way the film could get a narrative sense of closure, and it is realistic that these stories don’t have happy endings, but fucking hell. Also a wasted opportunity, providing websites and information in the closing credits could have been useful.

Best Line: “Fuck this I’m sorry”. I know, on its own it’s not great. But as a response to “if you’re daughter was still here, what would you say to her?”. That sentence, said by a quite muscly MAN, who then storms out. Says so much about fatherhood, masculinity, and grief.

Original Review here

Death On The Nile

Ups: A fun well-crafted murder mystery that wrongfoots you constantly and makes you feel like an idiot for not getting it.

Downs: Some of the CGI is a bit weak.

Gal Gadot has terrible line delivery at times.

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Best Moment: The reveal. A story like this lives and dies by the ending. This gets it right and delivers it with great tension.

Worst Moment: The moment where one of the bodies is found could be done a little better.

Best Performer: Kenneth Branagh, obviously.

Opening: Poirot at war. Showing how he used his deductive skills to help his squadron advance. Mainly there to show his human side, and explain his moustache. But it hints at something I now want: Poirot before he was a detective, using his skills in other situations.

Closing: Poirot sitting at a jazz club, sans moustache (as in, without moustache, that’s not the name of the club). Provides a bit of breathing space at the end, but otherwise is just a bit meh.

Best Line: “oh he accuses everyone of murder” “it’s a problem, I admit”

Original Review here

Emily

Ups: Ambitiously directed by Frances O Connor (she has a great future if she gets the right films).

Beautifully shot.

Brings a long-past time to life in an effective way.

Downs: The romance doesn’t quite work.

Quite dull for some of the opening.

The visual language is unclear for parts of it.

Best Moment: When the brother turns up. Mainly because the way Emily reacts to him makes her seem better as a person.

Worst Moment: The drunken conversation. Mainly because it’s weirdly edited.

Best Performer: Emma Mackay.

Opening: Emily is on her death bed and is asked what made her want to write. Yes, it’s a “how we got here” framing device. *sigh*

Closing: She dies. As you can tell from the opening. Would have been nice to have more information about her during the credits.

Best Line: Everyone’s strange if you look at them for long enough.

Original Review here

Midnight

Ups: The relationship between the two women is delightful. They have great physical chemistry that helps sell the family relationship between them.

Great shots.

Very funny at times.

Downs: A few shots could be a bit clearer.

Best Moment: A quick moment of Kim Kyung-mi in her job, dealing with an angry swearing (via sign language) woman. In response she simply raises her middle finger. Brilliant comedic timing and she does it so well. Weird to pick a comedic moment in a film like this I know.

Worst Moment: The opening murder could look a bit better. It’s fine going back to watch it, but on original watch it can be a bit difficult to place everybody.

Best Performer: Jin Ki-Joo

Opening: A woman misses a taxi and decides to walk home, but she gets murdered on the way. Tense way to open it, and the lighting is superb. Also sets up the killer as a manipulative bastard. It then goes into Kim Kyung-mi doing customer support via sign language, which is a weirdly comedic scene.

Closing: Characters sitting on a beach. It’s a nice coda to an earlier conversation. It’s not necessary, but it’s a really nice closer and means you end the film with a little bit of hope.

Best Line: Going to include a non-verbal one, the middle finger.

Original review here

Mr. Malcolm’s List

Ups: It’s nice to see a new period piece.

Well developed characters.

Funny.

Much smarter than similar films.

Emma Holly Jones could be a director to keep an eye on in the next few years. Great potential

Charming.

Downs: Not really very original.

Forgettable.

Best Moment: When the titular Mr. Malcolm is forced to defend his list. He makes a great point that he shouldn’t be criticised for daring to actually want to enjoy the company of the person expected to be his wife.

Worst Moment: Ending is a little cliche.

Best Performer: Freida Pinto, but Sope Dirisu is up there.

Opening: Julia goes on a date to the opera. It’s awkward as hell. Good way to start the film, and really wrongfoots you with Mr. Malcom’s personality.

Closing: They end up together. Obviously.

Best Line: “Love cannot be planned so carefully, my dear. It will stir things up a bit. That is part of its charm”

Original Review here

Nightmare Alley

Ups: It looks fantastic.

Tremendous performances.

Compelling story.

Downs: Music could be better.

Slightly misleading marketing.

Best Moment: Clem explains how he lures the geeks in. Lets you know how horrific the world really is, and it pays off beautifully.

Worst Moment: The murder/suicide doesn’t hit quite as it needs to.

Best Performer: Bradley Cooper. Normally not too impressed with him, but he’s great in this.

Opening: The lead burns a house down after putting a body under the floorboards. Great opening as it means you are instantly asking questions that you want answers to. You’re drawn in and want to watch.

Closing: He gets offered a job as a geek. “just a temporary job, as a fake one”. After his conversation earlier he knows what’s happening, and all he can do is accept it.

Best Line: “Find out what they’re afraid of and sell it back to them.”

Original Review here

Spirited

Ups: Fun.

Goes by quickly.

Downs: Ryan Reynolds character doesn’t seem evil enough.

A lot of the songs aren’t memorable enough.

Best Moment: The Good Afternoon song

Worst Moment: A child commits suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I think that was a narrative masterstroke, but it will annoy some people.

Best Performer: Ryan Reynolds

Opening: A woman apologising to the ghost of Christmas yet to come for her misdeeds. Already shows it’s interesting and new. Personally, I would have held off the reveal a few minutes more, if it was played straight for a few minutes then the reveal would have had a bigger impact. Props for being able to put that much sentimentality into a 5-minute sequence though.

Closing: The spirits now work other holidays too. Scrooge is back alive and married with kids.

Best Line: “He’s like the perfect combination of Mussolini and Seacrest.”

Original review here

The Lost City

Ups: Funny.

Well-crafted action scenes.

Radcliffe is having a blast.

Flies by much quicker than you’d expect.

Downs: Incredibly predictable.

Never gets better than “entertaining”

Best Moment: Someone getting shot in the head. Funny, and one of the few surprises in the script.

Worst Moment: “the real treasure was love”.

Best Performer: Channing Tatum.

Opening: Imaginary scene set in a book. Very fun, and sets the tone. Also makes good jokes about the fantasy romance action genre as a whole.

Closing: The two are together. Shockingly predictable.

Best Line: “I’m a woman; I can’t mansplain anything.” ” Uh, I’m a feminist, and I think a woman can do anything a man can do.”

Original Review here

White Building

Ups: There are some beautiful looking shots.

The tonal shift is well-earned.

Downs: One of the characters just leaves the film halfway through.

Quite dull at times.

Could do a better job of telling the audience the importance of the building.

Best Moment: The three friends trying to chat up three girls on an adjacent vehicle. Despite the fact it’s all taking place on two scooters it’s strangely normal. It’s just a group of guys trying (and failing) to impress a group. But it’s so genuine, the girls reactions are so cruel, and the guys are so desperate.

Worst Moment: A diseased foot. I was eating dinner at the time I was watching it, gross.

Best Performer: Chinnaro Soem. He’s not technically the best actor in the movie, he’s only really in the first half, but his undeniable charisma and the way he carries himself, he has undeniable star quality.

Opening: Aerial shots of buildings. It looks weirdly beautiful in a horrible way. The buildings are in a state of obvious need of repair, like the before in a stage of House Flipper (great game btw). Sets up the living standards well. It’s so quiet and weirdly peaceful too. Then we get two friends talking. Weird choice as the story is about three friends, but the fact we’re introduced to two of them,

Closing: The building is being knocked down. Seems to be genuine footage from the time. No music, done almost silently. The manner in which it’s shot, and the eerie stillness to the whole thing, bring to mind an execution. We then see the lead just sitting outside in the evening, soaking in the silence. Personally, I’d have stopped on the demolition, but I can see why they would go with the personal ending.

Best Line: “one day they turned up with trucks and guns, so those people didn’t get a penny for their house”. Explains so much. Not just about why people would accept selling their house to the government when they’re clearly not getting enough money for them. But also why people are acting the way they do, the government just doing that and everybody skipping over it says a lot about the town, and the fear they must have that something so horrific can be discussed so casually.

Original Review here

You Are Not My Mother

Ups: Kate Dolan is a hell of a director.

Shot like a drama, which makes the horror seem more realistic.

Gripping.

Downs: Writes itself into a corner where it opens doors it can’t close without disrupting the narrative.

Could be a bit slow for some people.

Best Moment: The dance scene. It’s got a really weird energy. It’s elegant and beautiful, but in a very aggressive way. And then an ankle breaks

Worst Moment: Some of the school scenes don’t work.

Best Performer: Carolyn Bracken. Almost entirely for the dance scene.

Opening: A baby in a pram in the middle of street in darkness. Such a simple but effective way to open the film. The baby is then taken to the woods by its grandmother, who lights a ring of fire around her. Instantly gets you asking questions.

Closing: The Mother is back, this time with a lucky token to keep her safe. A somewhat abrupt ending

Original Review here

Nightmare Alley (2021)

Synopsis: In 1940s New York, Stanton Carlisle (Bradley Cooper) joins a travelling carnival and meets Mary Cahill (Rooney Mara). Together the two of them set up a fake psychic act to con people out of money in this neo-noir thriller by Guillermo Del Toro.

This was not what I expected. I knew it would be dark, and I knew it would be impressive. But I thought it would be fantastical and strange. It’s not, it’s incredibly grounded, in fact, it’s downright sceptical towards a lot of the tricks of the trade, James Randi would be proud. The story isn’t as focused on the carnival as the advertising would make you think. Most of the characters are only that prevalent in the opening. Now in the past, I’ve talked about how I dislike that kind of thing, how losing all your characters after the opening can make it seem like it was pointless. But it worked for this. Even when the characters aren’t on screen, their presence is felt in the actions of the main character. So they never really feel like they’re not there.

Plus it helps that the rest of the film is incredibly compelling. This is essential a Del Toro film noir, and I love what he did with it. He’s perfect for that genre and it makes me wish he did more. His visual style suits it so well. There’s a dark beauty to the visuals and the lighting makes everything sharp and impressive. The music is good too, but it is probably the least memorable part of the film. Everything else is a 8/10 but that’s just a 6. Across the board the performances are fantastic. As much as I’ve enjoyed Bradley Cooper as an actor, this is probably the first time I’ve seen him in something and been truly lost in his performance. It baffles me how this film has been nominated for so many awards, yet his performance hasn’t (as of the time of writing anyway).

I should point out that this is a remake of a 1947 film starring Tyrone Power (whose daughter Romina makes a cameo in this), which itself was based on a book. I don’t know how much it changes from those two source points, but I want to know. Because of this film, I want to see the original, I want to read the book. The original was not a financial success, only finding acclaim afterwards. Sadly it looks like this might do the same. It’s a shame as this is probably the best-made film of the year so far. Seems like one of those films where people who see it like it, but not enough people see it. I’m hoping it makes it back on streaming etc as this deserves to be successful. If you sit down and watch this you’re going to like it. You might now enjoy it, but you’ll like it. This isn’t a happy film you watch with your family, this is a film you watch on your own like you would read a book. You set time aside, turn the lights off, and sit in the dark as you let the world take you in. Set aside something afterwards though, the ending is brutal. Well not the ending itself, but the inevitable aftermath. You know what the ending means, you know what it will end up leading to for the character, and so does he, but he can’t do anything about it. He has to just resign himself to his fate, and as an audience, so do you. It’s bleak, but really the only way this story could end.

This could be the final week this film is available for viewing at many cinemas across the UK, so get to it as soon as you can. I say it a lot, but this truly deserves a cinema viewing if you can.

End Of Year Film Awards

Best Actor

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Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Nocturnal Animals. Better known as “That kid from Kick-Ass”. One of the things about Kick-Ass was that it was about a hero who looked absolutely nothing like a hero, in fact there’s one scene where he threatens somebody and they just laugh at him. Yet in this he’s absolutely terrifying. His despicable nature just oozes out of the screen every second he’s on. Genuinely unsettling, and utterly compelling.

Also:

Bradley Cooper – Joy. If only because he’s responsible for the best moments in the film. His scenes with Jennifer Lawrence almost make her up her game, and it’s a much better film during those all too brief moments.

Best Actress

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Brie Larson – Room. Did you watch this film? Then you know why. She was just amazing in this. Everything about her performance was perfect. I saw this in January, which meant I had 11 months of performances which couldn’t even match it.

Also:

Madison Wolfe – The Conjuring 2. A performance beyond her years.

Julia Roberts – Secrets In Their Eyes. The first time I feel I’ve truly “got” her as an actress. Superb.

Best Script

Eye In The Sky: A film which could have been very bad if written differently. Same plot, same actors, same director and this film would not have only been bad, but catastrophically awful. As it was this film was perfectly paced. When doing a film like this you do run the risk of attempting methodical and instead just ending up with it being boring and too slow. You need to slowly crank up the tension through dialogue, if it goes wrong, it’s awful, but when it works it’s phenomenal. A fitting epitaph to Alan Rickman’s career.

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Worst Film

The Boss: I really want to like Melissa McCarthy, but she keeps making terrible films. Her character in this is extremely unlikeable with almost no character arc that redeems her. In almost any other film she’d be the main villain.

Best Film Moment

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Arrival – The meeting scene. There’s a moment in this where Amy Adam’s character first meets the aliens. It’s about ten minutes long and you can’t take your eyes away from the screen the entire time. Everything about it is perfect, the look, the acting, it all builds towards something which if there’s any justice will become as big a part of pop-culture iconography as scenes from Close Encounters, ET, or Alien. A moment full of pure wonder that truly shows what film can do.

Worst Film Moment

Batman Vs Superman: Martha. A moment which almost became shorthand for “awful and nonsensical”. The thing is, it does kind of make sense when you think about it, it could have been very believable that seeing someone as a person with a family will change your outlook on them, but the way it was delivered simply wasn’t good enough.

Best Film

Room: Excellent script, some of the best performances I’ve seen in a long time, and truly beautiful. This isn’t just film, this is emotional spectacle cinema. A film which I saw very early on in the year, and yet almost 12 months later it has still stuck with me.

Best Film To Look At

Arrival: A film shot with the warmth and cosiness of a home video. Science fiction (more than any other genre) seems to define itself by it’s look. And this film does more than enough to join the greats of the genre.

Also:

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies. 

Beautifully shot, the action scenes are brilliantly choreographed, and the costumes are superb. You could watch this on mute and still find things to appreciate.

Most Disappointing Film

Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice

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This film had so much riding on it, so for it to fall as much as it did (critically at least) is very disappointing. Especially since the problems in it are easily fixed. Some of them aren’t personal preference, they’re basic storytelling mistakes. I know it sounds awful to say but this film should end somebody’s career, you cannot make some of the mistakes they made in this film and still hope to make films. It had such high potential too, it really needed to be great, but in the end it was merely only “okay”

Also:

10 Cloverfield Lane

A film of three thirds: the first two are really good, matching up and in some ways surpassing the original, tense and claustophobic, just brilliant. Then it’s all thrown away in the final stretch until it dissolves into what William Shakespeare would describe as “a massive pile of wank”

Central Intelligence. It took too long to get to the point of the film, and there weren’t really enough “laugh out loud” moments. Reminds me of Hear No Evil, See No Evil, in that the chemistry between the leads is better than the actual fil.

Most Surprising Film

The 5th Wave

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I expected this to be just low-grade YA shlock. Yet it had a really really good plot and some excellent moments. Yes it wasn’t the greatest film I saw this year, but it was a lot better than I thought it would be.

Also: Goosebumps.

Very solid and well made kids horror film. I saw some reviews of it which criticised it for “looks like it was made for children”, which, you know, it was. It’s like criticising porn for being aimed at people who want to masturbate. Yeah it means it won’t make much money among people who want something to watch in the evening whilst drinking a glass of red wine in the evening, but it’s not meant to.

The “Well I Liked It” Award

The BFG: Called by some people “one of the biggest box office bombs of 2016” and I truly don’t get why. In a year which was the best one in recent memory for kids films, this one still stood out in a very crowded bunch. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again; there are many great films, only a select few are “magical”, and this is definitely one.

Best Marketing Campaign

Deadpool: A very violent comic book film, what would be the best way to market this?

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That’s actually pretty brilliant. During the run up to the release to this (way way back at the beginning of the year) Ryan Reynolds was on point, uploading almost in character updates on the film. If anybody doubting how well-suited he was to the role hopefully had those doubt squashed like a bug. Actually he continued it past release, doing new adverts to celebrate the film being out for a month in cinemas. A magnificent campaign which worked wonders. If there’s any doubt how successful this campaign was I’ll point this out; it meant people wanted to see the film, despite the fact that most peoples knowledge of the character being X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Musings On Marvel: Day 10 (Guardians Of The Galaxy)

Director: James Gunn (Slither, Super)

Budget: $232million

Box Office: $773million

  • Did kids listen to this music back then? I mean, I did, but I was weird.
  • Hah, “was”
  • Plus, is a song which includes the repeated refrain “big boys don’t cry” a good song to listen to in the circumstances?
  • Can’t anyone become a superhero without their parents dying nowdays? That’s the rouble with the world today, kids lack motivation.
  • I’m curious as to what happened in those 26 years. Ok, it’s not as big an issue as it was in Fantastic 4 (or to give it it’s proper, stupid title: Fant4stic)
  • How have the batteries lasted that long?
  • Or the walkman?
  • Or the tape itself?
  • I mean, I went through about 5 cd players in my youth, and I very rarely went to space.
  • The main hero kicks a tiny animal in the face. But it’s okay because they’re not earth-based. Which is a bit weird as when he was a kid he started fights with people purely because they hurt frogs. And now here’s him, as an adult, gleefully punting animals like rugby balls.
  • “bereet”, is that because she looks like a beet?
  • “your culture is a disease” that’s racist.
  • Groot lost his arms. That’s an arm chopped off in every one of the stage 2 films. Seriously, why do Marvel hate limbs?
  • “I live for the simple things, like how much this is going to hurt” That’s exactly what I was told last time I had sex.
  • “I’m going to slather you in jelly” that sounds sexual.
  • “this one here is our booty” still sounds sexual.
  • So he wants to protect her despite her causing massive physical harm to him and being responsible for him getting arrested. Why? I theorise it’s entirely because he wants the booty.
  • “Your words mean nothing to me” oooooooo, vienna. 
  • “I could care less whether you live or die”. Ok, let’s get one thing straight America, that phrase makes zero sense. “I could care less” literally means “there is a situation in which I could care less, therefore I do care a little bit”. The phrase should be (and is, in every other country in the world) “couldn’t care less”. Because it implies you don’t care at all so there is no way you could care even less. The way you say it implies that despite the fact you don’t care much, you still care a little bit. “I could care less” basically says “I care a little bit”, which defeats your purpose.
  • I bet he never uses that “snap a neck from a distance” on any of the heroes.
  • “your demeanour is that of a child” yeah, and you’re wearing make-up like a teenage emo kid. You shouldn’t be killing people, you should be writing poetry on your blog about how girls ignore you.
  • “all fire on my command” why not start with that?
  • Those headphones blocked out a prison riot? My headphones get drowned out by cars driving past me.
  • Not even that, but surely he should have seen something on the video screens?
  • Okay his face is covered, but his hands aren’t, flying through space with uncovered hands would surely cause problems.
  • He got abducted as a kid, how many kids know of Jackson Pollock?
  • Surely he’s been threatened before? He collects artefacts so must have people attempt to rob him all the time, you’d think he’d have a defence set up.
  • Bowie song! And now I’m sad. Seriously, what is going on this year? I found a facebook status a few years old about how bad it was that three celebrities had died that year already. That seems like a blessing compared to this year. Prince, Lemmy, Bowie, Rickman, Wood, the PG tips monkey.
  • “I will not succumb to your pelvic sorcery” That’s pretty much exactly what my girlfriend said to me the first time we met.
  • Holy shit Bradley Cooper gives a REALLY good vocal performance here.
  • And with that he tells an entire bar full of outlaws how much money you’re about to come into.
  • Hey it’s a tesseract.
  • “it’s not a purse, it’s a knapsack” no, it’s a satchel. Indiana Jones has one.
  • I haven’t seen Star Wars but I imagine it’s basically this.
  • “normal people don’t even think about eating people” Oh, I guess I’m not normal then.
  • Where did they get those matching red suits from? Did they stop at Matalan before continuing with their quest?
  • “I think of them as paper people” Now, he doesn’t understand metaphors, so does that mean he literally thinks they’re people made of paper?
  • “I don’t think anyone is 100 percent a dick” you’ve never met Katie Hopkins then.
  • “We’re just like Kevin Bacon” doing awful adverts for EE?
  • Wait, wasn’t the city evacuated? Where are all these people coming from?
  • The two sisters are attacking each other with swords. I HATE these kind of fights. The ones where it cuts away before each impact. One on one fight scenes should cut as little as possible so the fight flows in one continuous motion. That way it looks like an actual fight, instead of a movie scene.
  • She chops off her own hand. Seriously, marvel hates limbs.
  • So he’s still using that stone just to throw people backwards instead of killing them?
  • “your guardians of the galaxy” Hey, that’s the title of the movie!
  • “what are you doing?” does it matter? Just kill him. Are people really distracted by singing and dancing? They’re not, trust me I tried.
  • “it’s probably good we didn’t deliver him to his dad like we were hired to do” The worst dialogue in this entire movie. It’s like the script writer didn’t know how to deliver that information so just turned one of the final scenes into an exposition heavy nothing piece.
  • “Ronan was only a puppet” No! That’s a metaphor! And that’s not what he’s meta-for. By which I mean, that line doesn’t make sense in the universe that they’ve created.
  • Howard the f*cking duck.