Category: Review

Babes (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Pregnant after a one-night stand, Eden (Ilana Glazer) leans on her best friend Michelle (Michelle Buteau) for guidance in this millennial hot mess from-com (friendship rom-com).

I was a bit wary of watching this, primarily because of how terrible the poster is. Not the one with the pink background, the one with the yellow background. The faces don’t look real, so your first opinion of the film is “cheap”. Thankfully, the film itself doesn’t suffer the same problems.

I feel weird reviewing this. I want to say “This is an open and honest depiction of pregnancy, with none of the Hollywoodness which usually happens when the subject is displayed on film”. But let’s face it. I don’t know. I have no idea if this is an honest depiction or whether this is just a different kind of lying. This FEELS more honest though. There’s no attempt to beautify pregnancy or downplay the pressures it causes on the female body, or how stressful parenthood can be. It’s not just honest, it’s also VERY good.

Babes is Pamela Adlon’s feature directorial debut. I have no reason to mention that. Adlon did a good job of directing it but nothing really stood out as superb in terms of directing, I don’t mean that in a bad way, Kevin Smith made a career out of that. I only mention it because she voiced Bobby in King Of The Hill, and I just find that weird.

Really, Babes belongs to Glazer (as in, the film called Babes belongs to her, she doesn’t own all women who adhere to superficial beauty standards, nor would I think she would want to). She co-wrote it with Josh Rabonitz, and the dialogue really has her voice running throughout it, she is completely friend goals, I’m not just talking about her character in this, I mean just in general. I have no issues with her performance. I’m not like “Give her ALL the awards” but there were zero points where I thought “She’s only here because she wrote it”. She is the best possible casting choice for the character of Eden. She plays well off Michelle Buteau, who I must admit I’m not that familiar with but has the air of somebody who would be GREAT at Taskmaster.

Babes does set itself a difficult task, Eden gets pregnant from a one-night stand with a man who passes away the day after from nut-related choking. For Babes to have any emotional core you need to buy that the relationship between the two is genuine. That’s difficult to do when the characters only meet once. This manages it though. The connection the two characters have is electric. The interplay between the two on the train is some of the best “getting to know you” dialogue I have ever seen, and it instantly made me slightly sad that I would never have that anybody because of my general repulsive personality and/or face.

It’s helped that the guy is played by Stephan James, best known for If Beale Street Could Talk, Selma (where he played John Lewis, not the shop), and Race where he played Jesse Owens. So he’s used to carrying a lot on his shoulders in his performance. He’s pretty damn great in this. I feel he could replace James Earl Jones as THE VOICE for stuff now.

In summary; this is a lot of fun. It’s the closest a film this year has got to matching the brilliance of Bottoms. I love the film, I love the soundtrack, I love the characters. And I love how it suggests abortion but doesn’t moralise about it, just presents it as an option. It’s proudly pro-choice, and I can’t help but love a film like that. It’s such a fun watch. It’s nice to have something so warm and funny, like a clown on fire, but funny. The downside is that it’s a difficult film to Google. Turns out if you google “babes”, you do not get this movie. Maybe because I’m not focusing on how emotionally naked the characters in this film are, truly displaying their soul to everybody. I’ll try “Naked Babes” and see if that brings up this movie.

The Critic (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A theatre critic lures a struggling actress into a seductive blackmail plot.

I went into this on a weird day. It was one of those days where you can’t stop worrying about one thing, and it just keeps entering your head and ruining everything. So however this review goes, bear in mind that it was good enough to distract me when nothing else did for the three days prior. So whatever else I say, I can’t deny it is effective at keeping your attention. That’s a good thing, because it means you’re still paying attention when the story finally starts. I hadn’t seen a trailer for this, or even read a synopsis. So I wasn’t sure what The Critic was about. That level of not-knowing continued for most of the film’s run-time. Soooooo much of the runtime for The Critic is spent setting up the story, with barely any time spent on the actual story itself. The actual plot-related portion only takes up about 10-20 minutes.

It is mainly about Jimmy, his character is so compelling. He’s acerbic, ambitious, a real drunken hot mess. He’s also gay, which leads to a great scene of him verbally jousting with some nazi dickheads. It’s essentially that scene from Black Books where Bernard approaches skinheads, but more subdued. It’s interesting to see a critic on-screen. It shows just how important reviewers are, and if you ever know any reviewers, even if you just read their stuff online, you should give them presents and compliments. The opening two-thirds mostly focuses on him as a cruel reviewer having to come face to face with the targets of his ire, about how they react to his brutal insults, his words have power and with that power comes responsibility. It’s an interesting look into the power of writing, especially in a time when the country is under threat from the rise of fascist political parties and opinion formers (thank god THAT’s not an issue anymore). That section is so interesting that it overshadows the rest of the narrative. It feels wrong to say, but “people talking” was more compelling to watch unfold than when there was sex, murder and blackmail.

Not that the sex and blackmail aren’t enjoyable (isn’t that Donald Trumps’ campaign slogan?). Visually it’s a delight. The opening scene is a barrage of bright colours that are a true feast for the eyes. The dialogue is also a lot of fun. There are some lines here which could have been written by Noël Coward. The performances are damn fine too. Everybody knows Ian McKellen is great (hence all the awards and respect he has), but this is the first time I’ve ever really “got” Gemma Arterton. Before I just thought of her as “Is that Cobie Smulders? Oh it’s not”. But there are moments in this where she showcases how good she really is. There’s a scene in particular that stands out, where Nina and Jimmy are conversing about how she became an actress because of him, and how she’s craving his approval. Arterton is damn near perfect in that scene, even her silences say so much. Ben Barnes is fun to watch onscreen, even if (for some reason) I thought he was Henry Golding.

In summary; I would say this is worth watching, but maybe not immediately. It probably wasn’t helped that I watched this on Friday afternoon, just after that I watched Lee, and the day before I watched Babes. I haven’t posted the reviews of them yet, but (spoilers), they are both fantastic and among my cinematic highlights of the year. And no matter how good the salmon and cucumber sandwich of The Critic, it’s in between the warm and delicious bread of Lee and Babes. That metaphor makes sense right?

The Garfield Movie (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Garfield gets roped into a scheme alongside his dad to steal milk.

Well after insulting it in my review of Jackpot, I had to actually watch it, didn’t I? If only so my despair at that being rated lower than this would be accurate. There was always a chance that I would be wrong and that this would actually be really good. I mean, look at the cast. Hannah Waddington, Nicholas Hoult, Brett Goldstein, Ving Rhames, and Samuel L Jackson, that is a weirdly strong cast for a non-ensemble piece.

Like all good films, The Garfield Movie (TGM, pronounced Tigg-um) leaves you asking questions, especially with the final action scene. It’s just a shame that those questions are ones like “How fucking long is that bridge? This scene should have ended minutes ago, this movie fucking sucks”.

In 2010 there was a woman named Mary Bale who was filmed walking past a delightfully cute kitty-cat named Lola. She stroked Lola, who was clearly approachable and friendly. Lola’s tail was raised in happiness and delight. Mary then picked Lola up and threw her in a fucking wheelie bin like a bitch. That video was posted online and she became infamous. I have seen that video (I had to, it was EVERYWHERE at the time), so I can confirm that that footage is now the SECOND most painful video I’ve seen involving a cat. You know, because this movie is also about a cat, and is fucking terrible (in case I was being too subtle).

I should have known this would be terrible from the very start. It starts with Garfield ordering food on an app. So the first shot is of a phone screen. There is no effort to make it seem like real food is being ordered on a real app. It moves from the item he wants to the next item he wants, there is no scrolling and picking an item, it just magically goes from one thing he wants to the next thing. I know it’s a small thing to be annoyed about, but it does annoy me because it makes it seem low effort. Also, he’s not ordering a lasagne, he’s ordering a pizza (with sides, which he knocks off the table in the bag without eating them).

This just doesn’t feel like a Garfield movie. There’s nothing specific to the character. In fact, there are very free moments specific to him being a cat. For example, when his dad is tied up with rope, Garfield tries to untie him; he has claws. It’s not a Garfield movie, it’s a movie that has Garfield in it. He’s not a character with his usual characterisation and foibles. He’s not sarcastic or dour, he’s just a normal animated movie lead. I haven’t seen a film misjudge its own main character this much since the Artemis Fowl casting call. It’s not a Garfield movie, it’s more like it’s a standard kids film, that stars Garfield. He’s not a character, he’s an actor playing a character that doesn’t suit him. The tone is completely wrong too, it’s too fast.

So I’ve established it fails as a Garfield movie. It’s not even a good animated movie. It fails at being a movie, and the animation is terrible. It reminds me of the South Park game on the N64, only with less piss-soaked snowballs. The human characters look okay, but the animals themselves look terrible. There’s no sense of realness to it. The animals don’t feel fluffy or cosy, they look like balloons. This is going to be a weird criticism of an animated film, but it’s too much of a cartoon in terms of the physics. There’s a scene where Garfield bounces from one tree to the other without losing any momentum. I know, standard modern animation. But still, it’s completely out of place in a series such as Garfield which has always maintained a somewhat realistic style.

I’ve seen worse films this year, but I can’t think of a movie which has completely failed its own lead character as much as this one did. On the plus side, I don’t have to see it again.

Jackpot!(2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Katie (Awkwafina) wins the lottery (yay), unaware that California (boo) has instituted a policy where if you kill the lottery winner before sundown, you get their winnings.

Reviews have not been kind to Jackpot, with a Metacritic score of only 41, and a Rotten Tomato score of 31. That RT score puts it lower than the new Garfield movie. Now I haven’t seen Garfield, but I refuse to believe that this is anywhere near as bad as that. That movie looks terrible, like it would be among the worst of the year if I saw it. Jackpot? There’s nothing offensively bad about it. It’s not the best movie you’ll ever see, but it’s entertaining.

There are so many brilliant lines. They’re not throwaway lines either. It’s incredibly satirical. It makes this point very early on, with lines like “The economy hit record lows, however in a positive sign the stock market is doing well, creating five more billionaires” which are funny but are also uncomfortably true. The satire cuts much deeper than you’d expect. Of all the films that comment on income discrepancy, the perils of fame, etc., you wouldn’t expect it to be a Paul Feig movie starring John Cena and Awkwafina.

That’s also kind of a downside though. It lacks a sense of consistency. There’s a very weird tonal mix. It’s a dystopian nightmare, where life is hell and people have to behave inhumanly just to get a slight hope of success. But then that’s mixed with scenes where John Cena straps Awkwafina to his back and then flicks a woman in her vagina with a beach towel. Whilst we’re talking about Cena and Awkwafina (or; AwkwaCena), I’m not sure Jackpot would work without them, and not just because then it would just be a film about silent empty rooms where nothing is happening. They have surprisingly good chemistry. This is going to be a borderline offensive comparison, but it reminds me of the chemistry between Arnold and DeVito in Twins. They’re having a lot of fun, bouncing off each other well. It helps that there doesn’t seem to be an ego, from the outtakes in the closing credits we can see they’re both perfectly willing to let other people get the laughs.

As much as I enjoyed Jackpot, I know it could have been better. Not just with the tone issues mentioned above. The “twist” is one of those villain reveals that’s so obvious the only twist is that it’s supposed to be a twist. People who are surprised by the reveal in this are the same type of people who are surprised when they watch a superhero movie and someone with a name like “Dr. Murderer Von Genocide III” turns out to be the bad guy. The plot is so basic it might as well be a white woman ordering a pumpkin spice latte. You also get the feeling that Feig is restraining himself somewhat (not in a “Fatal Wanking Accident” way), the fight scenes never quite getting as violent as they could or should.

In summary, not the best, not the smartest, but fun. There’s a fine line between “stupid fun” and “no, just stupid”, and this comes dangerously close to crossing that line, but just manages to stay on the right side. I’m in no hurry to watch it again, but I would if someone else wanted to.

The Beast aka La Bête (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: In 2044 the rise of AI has led to humans being deemed useless because their emotions compromise their decision-making. Gabrielle undergoes a procedure that will purify her and get rid of her emotions, a procedure which involves delving into their past lives.

Many of the films I review on this site are the ones you find everywhere. The last three films I’ve reviewed have all been expensive franchise pieces. In my defence, the only cinema I have near me is a Cineworld, so it’s not as though I get much access to obscure arthouse films. When I do, it’s normally on a streaming service, 9 times out of 10 it’s Mubi, which if you’re a pretentious film dick, is an essential streaming service to have. It’s on Mubi where you’ll find today’s film. A bizarre mostly French-language piece directed by Bertrand Bonello. I think this is the first foreign-language film I’ve reviewed on this site since Monster back in April (unless you count “shit, utter and complete shit” as a language, in which case, the haunted swimming pool movie Night Swim). It being mostly in French isn’t the thing that’s going to stop this from being a massive hit in English-speaking countries. Nope, what’s stopping that happening is that The Beast is, well it’s really fucking weird. I have a high tendency for weirdness, I’m currently sharing my room with someone who is so weird he decides what films to watch by using a random number generator, yeah it’s me. But there were a few times when even I was sitting here thinking “Wait, what the fuck?”. It’s an incredibly unsettling watch, where some scenes don’t make sense until twenty minutes after they happen. Unless you’re paying a lot of attention, it risks coming off as borderline incomprehensible. I’m not saying “explain everything, “but there are times when it’s overly complicated just for the sake of it.

It’s also oddly fascinating. Few films make you work as hard as this one does to appreciate it, and those that do are often not worth it. The Beast is a difficult watch, but it’s utterly compelling once it does have its hooks in you. Like all good science fiction, it says a lot about where humanity is now, and where it’s heading. The somewhat futuristic nature of the story is even weirder to take in when you realise it’s actually inspired by the 1903 novella The Beast In The Jungle, very loosely. I’m not that familiar with the original work, but I highly doubt that it’s about two people crossing paths over three separate periods whilst they undergo a procedure to rid them of emotion so that they can get a job in an AI-led world. I also highly doubt it would feature a section set in 2014 and be mainly about an incel douchbag.

The incel section is probably the most interesting, and not just because it allows George MacKay to play someone incredibly out of character, and do a phenomenal job of doing so. The version of him in the other two timelines is also interesting, but it’s the 2014 section which is the most fascinating to watch. The version of Lea Seydoux’s character in that timeline is very similar to her other versions. As talented as Seydoux is (probably the most well-known French actress to UK audiences due to her roles in Dune and No Time To Die), she’s not given much to-doux. Her performance is great, but it does feel like she’s playing the same through all three. It makes sense, they are supposed to be the same character just their past lives. Like I said, it’s a strange film. But it’s also beautiful. My brain tells me it was full of more colours than a cocktail-fuelled vomit, but when I actually sit down and think about it, a lot of the colours were quite subdued and real. The editing is a different story, there are some brain-melting scene transitions which are creepy in a way I can’t explain, it’s like the film is collapsing in on itself. It makes sense, most of the film is supposed to be her regressing to her past lives, so it would make sense that her brain would “rebel” against those unnatural intrusions.

In summary; I’m not sure how I felt about this. Which is a weird thing to admit in a review. At times ugly and confusing, at times beautiful and as unsubtle as a flashing neon sign. At times it’s unemotional and cold, but then it breaks you (especially near the end). You may love it, you may hate it. But if you’re a film student or you want to move into film as a career, this is probably an essential watch. Even on the moments when I wasn’t that big a fan of what Bonello was doing, I always respected him for having the creativity to try something new. Even the ending credits are inventive; instead of traditional credits, it just has a QR code, which is great for now. But I fear that in a few years time it will send you direct to either dick pics, guns, or a computer virus; either way, it will be something messy that you don’t want to go off in your face.

Deadpool And Wolverine (2024) Review

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Quick Summary: hahahahahahaha, as if “what’s the plot?” is a question anybody will ask before watching this.

This film is funny.

What do you mean by “that’s not long enough to be satisfying and you should be ashamed of yourself”? (Obligatory “that’s what she said”). Fine, I’ll add more.

Deadpool And Wolverine (DAW, pronounced Daaaaaaaw like you’ve just seen a kitten wearing a cute hat) is everything you expect it to be. I can’t really imagine anybody who liked the first two would come into this and be disappointed. It won’t win over new fans, but it’s not supposed to. The continuity lockout is not as strong as you’d think it would be. The script gives enough context clues that if this is your first superhero movie and you are paying attention, you should still be able to follow what’s happening. There will be moments where you feel a little bit left out as a few jokes won’t make sense etc, but there’ll be another joke in a few seconds that will make sense so it doesn’t matter. It’s a bit like being non-American and watching an American sitcom, a general air of “I’m sure that would be funny if I understood the reference”.

But for those who do get the references? Damn, they are in for a fun time. This is a film for people who know their Marvel history, not just “I’ve watched the films”, DAW contains references to production issues, unmade projects, and internet gossip, and that’s just the stuff I recognise. I have no doubt that there are a lot of references I didn’t pick up on (like, who’s this “Wolverine” guy? Haven’t seen him before). It is great to finally see Jackman and Reynolds’s most loved characters sharing a screen (Baraka-pool doesn’t count), they have incredible chemistry and obviously enjoy acting alongside each other. The chemistry is so good that you don’t even realise the absence of Zazie Beetz’s Domino, it’s kind of sad that she’s not present, but I don’t think it really affects your enjoyment that much. What did affect my enjoyment was the absence of TJ Miller. His character of Weasel was essentially Deadpool’s best friend in the previous two films, so his absence is definitely felt. But Miller is also a colossal dickhead so fuck him, I’m glad he’s gone.

Now onto the bad. Like the previous two Deadpool flicks, the pacing and actual story for this could be better. You’re not really engrossed in the narrative at any point, it’s mainly used to just jump from joke to joke. That’s not necessarily a huge negative, but it is something that could have been improved upon. The only part with genuine emotion is a quick montage of the non-MCU Marvel films during the end credits, genuinely beautiful. In terms of pacing, there are times when to fit in the jokes, everything grinds to a halt, and then it jumps much further forward in time than it needs to so that it can make up for lost time.

In summary, this review, in fact, all reviews for this, are ultimately pointless. You already decided whether you want to watch it or not. Nothing any review says is going to change your mind. So really this has all been a massive waste of time and I’d have been better off eating two cakes as opposed to just one. There’s a reason it’s now the highest-grossing R-Rated film of all time, (taking the title from Joker which took it from Deadpool 2, which took it from Deadpool) joining such other illustrious films on that list such as *checks list* Terminator 3, Lucy, Fifty Shades Of Sexual Abuse, and Sex And The City. But in case you are one of the very few undecided people. Go see it FFS.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: How Furiosa became, well, became Furiosa.

Mad Max: Fury Road (MM: FR, pronounced Mumfour) was a phenomenally well-made piece of cinema, so you couldn’t help but feel slightly worried with the announcement of Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (F: AMMS, pronounced Famms). A lot was working for it though, George Miller directing so it’s not as though it was handed off to someone who couldn’t handle it. Plus it wasn’t written as a cash grab, it was supposed to be filmed back-to-back with Fury Road. The cast seemed pretty solid too; Anya Taylor-Joy is always great, and the trailers made it look like Chris Hemsworth was having a lot of fun.

All of that is a long way of saying that if you enjoyed MM: FR then you’ll enjoy F: AMMS. It’s not quite as busy as Fury Road was, which I prefer. Furiosa actually gives you time to breathe so what happens is allowed to have an impact on you. It also has a much more varied visual colour palette to work from. There is a heavier focus on CGI in this one though, to its detriment. It’s not constant, but there are a few moments where some things just look “off”, and unlike MM: FR it doesn’t have as many exciting action scenes to fall back on. There are still some very good action scenes, but there’s nothing you can count as a “highlight”.

That’s my biggest issue with it. Despite how good it is, despite its noble origins, it still comes off as the cinematic equivalent of DLC for a video game. It never seems to become its own movie; instead, it is content to remind you of things from a better movie. Outside of curiosity, it’s difficult to see what the purpose of this was. If it was released earlier it wouldn’t be as big an issue, but after this long, it feels a bit like it is just a stopgap to tide you over until they release a sequel that will never come.

I’m being overly harsh I know. This is a brilliantly made film, and it’s very rarely boring. The performances are great, it’s an interesting story, and it’s a lot of fun. But, I dunno, I guess, it’s just a 7.8/10 and I want a 9. I think people do need to watch it though, it’s definitely worth your time

Alien: Romulus (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A group of disillusioned colonists get set for one big job to earn enough money for their freedom from the corporation that essentially owns them. As you can guess from the title, they meet a Xenomorph.

I managed to catch Covenant at the cinema during its theatrical release, and I wasn’t too impressed by it. Part of me wondered whether that was because I hadn’t seen any of the others. However, just through cultural osmosis, I recognised certain bits of it as paying homage to the original, making it seem like a greatest hits package, albeit one rerecorded by a different line-up because the lead singer fired everybody and didn’t want to pay them royalties so replaced them all with session musicians. By which I mean, I recognised the narrative and visual melodies, but they weren’t as sharp and exciting as I knew they had originally been.

Now, onto Romulus. Romulus VERY heavily leans into the original, taking place between that and Aliens, as well as featuring dialogue that explicitly references the original, just oddly delivered. The Xenomorph in Romulus is the same creature from the original, and there is an android that physically resembles Ash (the android, not the result of fire, or the Pokemon animal torturer). Now I have actually seen the first two films in the franchise, so am more able to spot more subtle references, it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to dislike Romulus as much as I did Covenant. Especially since it was written/directed by Fede Alvarez and co-written by Rodo Sayagues, the team responsible for the “you’ve kind of made a rapist sympathetic” horror movie Don’t Breathe (which I heavily disliked) and its “So you’ve made the rapist the hero now?” sequel Don’t Breathe 2, (which I utterly despised).

I didn’t. I, well I don’t want to say “enjoy”, as it was tense as hell and disturbing, but I was thoroughly “oooo”‘d, and a little bit “aaaaaa”‘d. There are some truly fantastic set pieces in this, full of creativity and intelligence. The use of the acidic blood in some of the scenes is superb, with my personal highlight being when the characters make a zero gravity journey through a corridor whilst the acidic blood floats around them. Some amazing scenes make the best use of gravity mechanics available to the characters. It felt like Alvarez and Sayagues looked at the toys they had to work with in terms of the technology and location developed earlier in the franchise, and then thought of scenes that would make the best use of them.

I haven’t felt this tense (at the cinema at least) since Civil War, which also starred Cailee Spaeny. The Alien franchise has many flaws, but one thing it’s always EXCELLED at has been casting perfect female leads. Noomi Rapace, Katherine Waterston, Weaver etc are all critically acclaimed performers, and I know that Spaeny will get there. She received some acclaim for her role in Priscilla, but that’s not enough. She was incredible in Civil War, to the point where in my review (link here) I specifically pointed out her performance, saying (and I quote):

she is damn near perfect. I want to see what she does next because she is fucking phenomenal in this

I didn’t quite expect her next performance to be this good. It’s genuinely difficult to figure out which of her performances is better. I dunno, maybe her next film will be shit. I’ll just see what she’s in next. *checks*. Knives Out 3. Oh damn, she’s in line for a perfect three-film run.

Romulus isn’t all perfect, some of the fanservice is a little bit too obvious, the final third drags a little bit, and some of the CGI feels a little weird. Those are very nitpicking criticisms though. Overall it’s incredible. There’s so much to like about it. David Jonsson (last seen here in Rye Lane) as a defective droid is great, with the character providing so much tension and humanity throughout, especially with a few of the narrative reveals (essentially the trolly problem) adding some background to humanity’s relationship with androids. The other characters are fine, but aren’t really explored enough, they don’t need to be though. Not everybody is a main character, so it’s fine if some characters are less developed than others.

The location is also a highlight. Much like the other entries in the franchise, there’s a kind of future-retro feel to everything. There’s a lot of future technology, but all the computers etc have all clearly seen better days. It would be much like having a film in 2010 featuring VHS players, but the film itself being released in the 1950’s.

Overall, I loved this movie. It’s cruel, atmospheric, and downright terrifying in parts, absolutely perfect for cinema.

Borderlands (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A group of people aren’t friends, but have to work together to do something to save others. Yeah, original.

I love watching films, I’d just like to point that out (just in case the almost 500 reviews on this site didn’t make that clear). But I’m not one of those people who hunt down trailers of everything and absorb information about everything that’s coming out. My at-home trailer use mainly consists of films I already know I’m interested in/curious about. The way I find myself watching NEW trailers is generally at the cinema itself. So I distinctly remember the first time I watched this trailer (I believe it was one of the trailers before Frozen Empire), I turned towards my cousin and said “Well someone’s watched Guardians Of The Galaxy”. The whole thing looked like a mockbuster GOTG directed by some music video guy on a budget of $11.50 and a tin of chopped tomatoes, starring the editor’s best friends cousin’s wife, only it was directed by Eli Roth and had a budget of around $120million, starring scream queen (and star of Scream Queen) Jamie Lee Curtis, five-time winner of “ohhhhh, her, I like her” award Cate Blanchett (whose crown has now been taken by Olivia Colman), and the person who stole the “I’m gonna fuck that Peach” award from Timothee Chalamet, Jack Black.

Maybe that was just the marketing, maybe the film itself will actually be surprisingly good. I mean, it’s directed by a competent director and has a very talented cast. So there’s always a possibility it will actually be really good. But is it? To answer that question I’ll show you a sentence I sent to someone after I left the cinema that day:

“Watched Borderlands and the new Alien movie today. The new Alien is very good”

That sums it up. Borderlands is not just bad compared to Alien (spoilers for that review), it’s a bad film. For a storyteller as creative and visionary as Eli Roth, Borderlands is a shockingly cliche piece of work. It follows the standard “ragtag group of misfits go in search of a MacGuffin” plot that has already been seen in both GOTG and DAD: HAT. It has gone through ten different scriptwriters in its development, and usually, that causes a film to be inconsistent and a tonal mess. Thankfully that’s not the case here, it keeps a pretty even tone and level of quality throughout; it’s just a shame that level of quality is complete shit. I’m not going to go into the “Blanchett is 52 but the character in the game is 22, and the character Kevin Hart plays is taller” etc. Those are valid concerns and criticisms for fans of the game, but I’ve never played the games so they didn’t affect my enjoyment of it at all. In fact, the cast is one of the few things Borderlands has going for it (and there are some subtle visual storytelling touches which are really good), everything else sucks.

It’s not terrible in a “nobody is trying” way, people are trying, they’re just making terrible decisions. The chief one is the violence, there’s not any. Borderlands NEEDS blood, this film is crying out for it. I’m guessing it’s so it can get a 12A rating instead of a 15, and thus appeal to more people. It’s clear that the studio wanted Borderlands aimed at the mass market, which was a mistake. Not only because of the lack of violence but also because it seems to assume the audience is full of idiots. That’s clear from the opening, which features far too much narration, and holds your hand more than a nervous mother teaching her child to cross the road. It doesn’t trust you to work something out for yourself. Such is its dedication to “No questions! No wonder!” I’m surprised that every character isn’t introduced with a fact sheet saying where you’re likely to know each actor from. The most egregious demonstration of this is when the film tells us that Lilith is from Pandora. Now, how do you think this film did it?

  1. “I haven’t been there in a long time”, and leave the meaning hanging in the air.
  2. Have another character tell them “I need you for this job, I know you were born there”
  3. When she arrives on the planet, have her say something along the lines of “This planet is shit, I should know, I was born here”.

Take a guess. I’ll wait. Have you guessed? Congratulations! You’re correct. I’m not saying that because I guessed that you picked the one most likely, I’m saying that because whichever one you picked you are correct since it does all three. They aren’t even spread out, all three of them take place within a few minutes. So it’s not even “we’re recapping this in case you went to the toilet”. There are other issues with the writing; primarily the amount of moments which make no sense.

The best example; everybody in the group is wanted by the police, so how do they disguise themselves? With a hologram mask. One of the characters has bright red hair, one talks like Kevin Hart, one is giant and muscled, one is a one-of-a-kind robot, and another has bunny ears. With all those visual and audio clues, I don’t think “slight covering of the face” is going to do much good to hide your face. If you saw Superman walking around in full costume but wearing a Lucha Libre wrestling mask, I’m pretty sure you’d still recognise it’s him by the giant fucking S on his chest. Same issue here. That’s not an issue for long as the masks are never used again once the characters pass that level scene. Fuck it, I hid it there but I’m going to flat-out say it here now; there’s zero cohesion between different scenes, as such they all come off as a series of levels rather than one continual narrative. As a result, it sometimes feels like we’re not watching a movie, but instead seeing a 2-hour “highlights” package from a 13-hour videogame. That’s why there are random things which aren’t explained at all, why certain characters’ relationships with each other seem to be based not on emotion or truth, but on the amount of time left in the film, and why it makes bafflingly random time skips at a level not seen since Fant4stic.

It’s nowhere near as bad as Madame Web was, but that’s damning it with faint praise. As I said, the performances from the leads are fine, Ariana Greenblatt in particular is a ball of chaotic energy. There are some nice ideas at play here, and the visuals are pretty nice to look at. But otherwise? When the universe collapses in on itself and completely destroys existence, the resulting void of infinite nothingness will still have more stars than this deserves out of 5. Harsh? Yes, but it deserves it.

Thelma (2024) Review

On By troubledproductionsIn ReviewLeave a comment

Quick Synopsis: Thelma loses $10,000 to a con artist, she is not very happy about this.

June Squibb is pretty damn cool. She’s best known to me for her role in the (criminally under-appreciated) Table 19, which is still near the top of my list for confusion at the negative reviews. She’s also been utilized in a lot of recent Pixar movies, recently voicing Nostalgia in Inside Out 2: Inside Harder. Yes, she was also in Father Figures but I can’t hold that against her. Thelma is her first chance to lead, and at the age of 94, it’s (as the great philosopher Lizzo once said) about damn time. The only disappointing part about June’s performance is if it was bad I would have had the perfect opportunity to make a “damp Squibb” joke, and now I can’t, stupid actresses ruining my jokes by being talented.

The script does help Thelma too. In the wrong hands it would risk coming off as condescending, or alternatively going too far the other way and having a message of “no, 94-year-old women can still parachute out of a burning helicopter whilst smoking meth, and if you try to stop them then you’re a terrible person”. It also doesn’t attempt to do an “old people swearing/rapping/sex references=comedy” thing, which is a relief. The title character feels real, and her interactions with her grandson (played by Fred Hechinger) are so lovely that I want to watch a road movie featuring the two of them. The two actors share surprisingly good chemistry, there is no sense of distance between them and the warmth radiates off the screen. Not so much with the two parent characters, but they’re not as fleshed out as the main two so that’s to be expected.

Anybody who has spoken to me for more than twenty seconds will know that I’m quite a moody and cynical person. So in many ways, a film like Thelma is the opposite of what it’s expected I’d like. But in another, more accurate, way, this is the exact type of shit I love. Sometimes it’s nice to have “Hey, stop being a condescending dick to your elderly relatives” as a message. It’s not exactly subtle with that message, having characters openly discuss moving Thelma into a home whilst she’s in the room, but discussing it like she’s not there. The moments where it plays like a pseudo-action film are fun to watch too, but it never goes quite as far as you feel it could.

A part of the film I didn’t think worked out that well was the sections in the nursing home. They feel a bit too sitcom-like as if they belong in a lower-quality film with a completely different tone. The director’s use of soft focus on the edges of the frame may be annoying to quite a few people too. It also sucks that this was Richard Roundtree’s final film role, and I’m not a fan of how it reminded me of my grandmother and hence now I’m sad.

Overall, Thelma is delightful. A bit too cutesy at times, but it would take a heart of stone to not be charmed by it. It is not among the best of 2024, but it is certainly among the films that made me feel most warm inside. It’s definitely the best of the two “Old person gets scammed by someone on the phone” movies of the year. Here’s the other one if you were wondering.