Tag: Review

Slotherhouse (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Emily (Lisa Ambalavanar) adopts a sloth as a mascot to win a school election against alpha mega bitch Brianna (Sydney Craven). So far, so Mean Girls. The sloth then starts killing everybody.

As I settled down to watch this, I had one thought in my mind “When will that dickhead outside stop revving his car?” he eventually stopped and not because his car mysteriously exploded, and I had another thought “I hope this isn’t too serious”. The concept for this, a killer sloth, is ridiculous, and there was a slight concern that it would take itself too seriously. If they don’t lean into the inherent silliness of the concept, then it’s doomed. Thankfully, the film seems aware that it’s kind of dumb, even lampooning its own title by having a character say it out loud and being met with an awkward silence.

Sometimes the stupidity works against it. Yes, it is a stupid premise, but there are moments where the characters are treating it as such. Airplane worked because the characters took it seriously, it doesn’t seem like they are in this. The death of Mayflower (a character, not the ship populated by colonists whose ancestors would then complain about immigration) in particular goes on way too long due to the characters not taking it seriously. They make jokes, insult the soon-to-be dying, and just generally seem like they’re having fun.

Another downside is that some of the side characters are seriously one-dimensional. This really hurts the death scenes that take place in the montage because you’re not entirely sure who these people are. There is also an issue of “how exactly is the sloth hiding all these bodies?” I’m more forgiving of certain things in films like this. I’ll allow certain cheap looks or plot mistakes purely because it’s not meant to be taken seriously, that being said, the montage massacre doesn’t really acknowledge the sheer amount of deaths. You get a few “where the fuck is [character]?” messages but there’s no fear or consequences. Nobody is panicking about the missing characters. This is particularly strange as one of the main plot points is a leadership vote going on, so you’d think if a character is obsessed with making sure they get all the votes possible, they’d notice if their friends suddenly went missing.

Now onto the upside; it’s very fun. You may be dumbfounded, but you won’t be bored. I mentioned how underwhelming some of the side characters are, but the ones we do get a decent look at are amazing. I do have to commend how characters are introduced: by their social media splash pages, so you INSTANTLY know everybody’s personalities. It’s unsubtle as hell, but it suits the film style so it doesn’t look out of place. It would help if we were given their real names instead of user names, so we know how to actually refer to these people. But I do appreciate how smart the splash page stuff is. It’s fun, it’s inventive, and it suits the social media age that we’re now living in.

I also appreciate how real the sloth looks. I can’t say for certain but it looks like it was mostly in camera effects, so puppetry/animatronics instead of post-production CGI. It looks kind of goofy, but it does work. The sloth attacks have some actual weight to them and feel real. There are moments where it’s kind of unsloth-like in its movements, but it mostly just looks right. I also appreciate how it is a new idea rather than just another f*cking sequel or reboot. It also closes the film in a way that is definitive so it doesn’t NEED a sequel, but keeps it open-ended enough that there COULD be one, maybe sloths in space? Doing things that astronauts do (but doing it real slowly because they’re sloths).

Another highlight; is the performances. It is a weirdly British cast for a concept that is SO American, but at no point do their accents fail. To the point where I was going to point out how Tiff Stevenson is far too English to be in such an American film, then looked into the cast and turns out pretty much all of the leads are English. The best performer is without a doubt Bianca Beckles-Rose, who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page at the time of writing. I can tell her performance is good because the character is essentially a stoner, and they can sometimes be the most annoying characters in horror movies because how they’re only used for stupidity. Beckles-Rose injects Zenny with enough realism that she feels like a fully fleshed-out character. This is the only thing I’ve seen her in but I would love to see her lead a rom-com or YA action franchise. I loved every single second she was on screen and I’m looking forward to see what she does next.

So in summary; watch this if you’ve got Paramount+, it’s worth a stream, and I think originality should always be rewarded. You might not think of it as the best film of the year, but if you get some friends around, get some drinks and some pizzas in, and watch it whilst being fully aware of how ridiculous it is, you’ll have a good time.

Five Nights At Freddy’s (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Mike (Josh Hutcherson) gets a job as a night security guard at an abandoned family entertainment centre with animals are that animatronic, sociopathic, hydromatic, why they’re greased lightning! Wait, not greased lightning, murderers, I’m always getting those two mixed up.

Should start this review of Five Nights At Freddy’s (FNAF, pronounced Fon-arf) pointing out that I really don’t give a shit about youtube culture. I watch Dead Meat and History Buffs etc, but the whole “hey guys, it’s your boy here” bullshit accompanied by atrocious camera cuts, overacting reactions to everything like “So I was playing Mario and OMG you guys, OMG you guys, I found a coin”. As such, I’m not really a part of what seemed to be a huge selling point for this movie; that it featured popular YouTubers. It is based on a famous franchise, but when I had conversations with the intended target audience the things they mentioned were the potential cameos. I’m glad that they didn’t cast them as main characters, but the fact that cameos are the main features of a film is a bad sign.

I’ll admit, I’m not that familiar with the franchise, but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve seen some comments about the negative review FNAF has got, basically saying “A lot of the negative reviews are from people who haven’t played the games”. Well, yeah. It has to be good enough to stand up on its own merits, it’s not a sequel, it’s a separate iteration, and the games should be irrelevant. You shouldn’t need to be a fan of the games to enjoy this film.

Thankfully, it’s a pretty easy film to follow, there are no moments where you feel you had to be a fan of the franchise to understand what was going on. There’s no doubt that it would improve things, though. Because there’s still a level of excitement for seeing characters and references on the big screen. I’m assuming that’s why fans of the game like the film anyway, as there’s not really anything else going on. It’s a horror movie without gore, without suspense, and without scares. The performances are good though, mostly. There’s one moment where Josh Hutcherson is a little too OTT and it feels like he’s “acting” rather than being, but when he’s a scared and withdrawn adult haunted by his demons, he nails it. Matthew Lillard is great as always, but his being seemingly cast as a throw-away character almost feels like a spoiler as to who he really is. Piper Rubio outshines all of them though. She’s only 8 years old but never misses a beat, even when she has to express some relatively complex concepts. I haven’t seen a child perform this well since McKenna Grace in Gifted. Her relationship with her brother, and her need for social acceptance, is a core part of the narrative of FNAF. The moments where it dwells on that are the strongest parts of the film (that and the animatronic work which is sublime).

A big issue is that you’re constantly reminded of better films. Willy’s Wonderland explored similar concepts a few years ago, so whilst watching FNAF my brain was like a politician who just voted to criminalise homosexuality, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Willy. I’m not sure if that joke works outside of the UK as I’m not certain “willy” is slang for penis in the US etc, but I’m sure now that I’ve explained the joke, that’s only made it funnier.

Like I said, when it’s not a horror movie, when it’s a family drama dealing with loss, that’s when it’s at its best. The horror aspects just don’t work. Probably because of the rating, it’s incredibly bloodless, with obvious camera cutaways obscuring what you want to see. This would be fine if there was an air of menace, but there’s not. The lack of menace isn’t helped by how it feels too written, there’s no grounding it in reality. I don’t mean in terms of “well this would never happen, robots wouldn’t be that sophisticated”, I mean it in a “these characters only exist in this film”, you don’t get the feeling anything has happened before the film starts. Put it this way; if you lived in a small town and there was a family restaurant that has been abandoned for years, you’d notice wouldn’t you? And if a bunch of kids went missing and the owner of the restaurant was accused, you’d notice, wouldn’t you? And if the owner of that restaurant then got a government job helping unemployed people back to work, that would be a story, wouldn’t it? But the main character has never heard of the restaurant before he starts working there, isn’t aware of children being kidnapped, and didn’t link it to his brothers’ disappearance. He also doesn’t seem to have done anything about the dead bodies that pile up, one of which is in his house and is a woman he’s had an intense legal battle with. But nope, nothing indicating he’s been accused of killing her, no indication about what he did with the body, we didn’t see the aftermath, so there is no aftermath. It’s lazy, and it’s an issue that could be easily dealt with if the screenwriters were paying attention. But who needs rewrites, right?

Killers Of The Flower Moon (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: In 1920’s Oklahoma the Osage people find oil on their land, local rich white people don’t like that, so make plans to marry them to gain access to their wealth, and then kill them off.

Some people are not going to like Killers Of The Flower Moon (KOTFM, pronounced Kot-fom) due to the length. I’ve seen some people online say that the length is necessary due to “every scene is vitally important” but that’s a crock of shit. There’s a way to get this to 3 hours without losing too much important details. I mean, it does have to be said that 200 minutes is a LONG time to spend in cinema, especially when you consider that if you add trailers, travelling etc then you’re looking at over 4 hours for one film.

Despite that, I think this is worth watching. It’s an engrossing viewing experience. Despite the length, not many people left to use the facilities or get food etc. Whilst there is some wasted time, there are not many moments where you can feel like you can turn away. It’s utterly fascinating to see, the visuals are beautiful and the story is one that needs to be told.

The story is another aspect in which some people might not be happy, accusing it of being anti-white because it truthfully shows how the law of the US treated non-whites at the time. But apparently, truth has a liberal bias and studios are only allowed to do historical dramas if it’s beautiful and doesn’t showcase the ugliness of the period.

Representatives of the Osage being murdered before they can appear before Congress? That’s accurate. The fact that Osage people weren’t deemed competent enough to manage finances so many of them married white people so that could access their own money? That’s accurate. Leonardo DiCaprio going out with someone over the age of 25? Okay that’s bending the truth a little bit.

Speaking of DiCaprio, the performances in this are superb throughout. Nobody is settling for a 9/10 performance, even those who only appear in a few scenes like Brendan Fraser or John Lithgow. DiCaprio is going to get a lot of the plaudits, as is DeNiro, which I don’t begrudge. But the real star of this is Lily Gladstone, who gives one of those performances which make you forget she’s not actually that person. Under lesser hands, the role of Mollie would appear either uncaring or too weak, but Gladstone provides her with enough strength and suffering that the character feels layered and real. She does more with facial expressions than some performers could do with a 5-minute monologue. I’m really interested to see where she goes from here, could be something special.

I’m not gonna lie, I went into this thinking it was fictional, or at most just a “based on many truths” thing. The fact that all of it is true is heartbreaking, and not just “this kind of thing happened” truth, it has actual dialogue from the time. I didn’t realise it was a true story until the very end. This is my lazy segue into saying how the ending for this is one of the best I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to explain without giving it away, but it’s incredible. Best of all, it’s not a “only Scorsese could do this” ending. There’s no big budget fight, no technical wizardry which would require years of experience to pull off. It’s something which anybody, from the biggest blockbuster down to a student film, could do, but it’s not something anybody could do well. It’s inventive, playful, and incredibly entertaining. It’s probably going to end up on my favourite moments from 2023. That alone means that this will end up being remembered for years, and deservedly so. There’s usually a gulf between “My opinions” and “Oscar winners”, but I wouldn’t be opposed to this sweeping up awards next year (and if it can do some hoovering and clean the shower too that would be great). Yes, it is a long watch, and it does underexplain some concepts (the Osage not being trusted to handle their own finances explanation goes by VERY quickly for something that explains so much of a character’s motivations), but it’s CINEMA at its best, and I’d much rather something like this than something bland.

Cat Person (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Margot (Emilia Jones) goes on a date with Robert (Nicholas Braun), who then starts to exhibit possessive and sexist behaviour when they start dating.

I was really looking forward to this, it felt like it would be a vitriolic critique of modern misogyny. I was so looking forward to it I caught a preview screening. So it’s with regret that I have to say that I’m slightly disappointed. It’s based on a short story, and watching it play out, that becomes evident. It knows what it wants to say, but doesn’t seem to know how to say it in a cinematically pleasing way. Part of that is due to the reliance on fantasies and dream sequences, moments where Robert is openly hostile and cruel. This seems to have been done to show the paranoia that women go through when they’re with men they don’t know that well, the worries that go through their heads when they’re in a car with a man. The issue with this is that it means that when he is hostile and cruel, it doesn’t seem quite as bad because she imagined worse. It’s like “Well, he only called her a whore via text, not as though he actually choked her like we saw earlier”.

There is one exception to this; the sex scene. Possibly the unsexiest sex scene of the year. It also features a piece of non-reality which I really enjoyed; her having an imaginary conversation with herself as a version of her stands by and observes the sex, asking her why she’s doing that. It’s a great look into her mindset and self-justifications, it clearly defines the boundary between reality and her mind, and it reminded me of both Fleabag and Mouthpiece (darn I love that movie). It’s almost as brilliant as my constant use of the word “and” in the last sentence was annoying. Almost.

It’s in this moment where we see the best of Emilia Jones, who is shockingly the daughter of Aled Jones. Yup, we’re now in a time where the daughter of the singer of Walking In The Air is an actual adult. Her performance in this is good, but the writing of her character lets her down, as does the fact it took me like 15 minutes before I realised she wasn’t Jenna Coleman.

It pains me to say this, but Cat Person kind of left me with the feeling that incels will watch it and it will justify their viewpoints. Much like how Unhinged left me with the feeling it would appeal to the darker vengeful side of humanity, I feel this will help back up the opinions of those who really shouldn’t have their viewpoints backed up. It’s easy to imagine them watching this and blaming Margot for what happened. Or to think there are times when she’s making up problems and acting off that. It doesn’t help that she seems to repeat the actions at the end, making it feel like she hasn’t gone through any character development.

As I said earlier; you can tell it’s based on a short story, there’s just not enough to it to fill the runtime. Characters drop in and out to the point where a lot of them don’t seem like characters, but plot vehicles. The exception to that is Geraldine Viswanathan’s Taylor, who is a delight whenever she’s on screen. To be honest, the little we do see of side characters makes it feel like they’re probably the most interesting characters to explore, instead we only see them when they make a quick plot-relevant detail and then move on never to be seen again.

On the plus side; it is occasionally very funny. And the aforementioned sex scene is incredible in how it gets the characters over. It also has good performances throughout, and it is a story that needs to be told, but it needs to be told better. It tries to be both a tale of sexual politics whilst also being a thriller, but in its rush to be the first, it fumbles to be an effective example of the second. It has good moments, but those moments just aren’t enough to sustain the runtime. If it was a short film, this would be brilliant, in fact, I feel this could be edited down to a fantastic 15 minutes, two hours? It just doesn’t have enough to sustain that. It does make you aware of the thought processes that women go through when dealing with men, so in a way, you can say that it’s effective. It’s just not good to watch.

Saw X (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Bullshit medical charlatans con cancer patients out of their life savings, one of whom is the Jigsaw killer, smart move.

I have a complicated history with the Saw franchise (see my review for Spiral), I have all of them on Blu-ray except for Jigsaw which I have on DVD, I’ve seen 4 of them at the cinema, and I even liveblogged the (at the time) complete franchise a few years ago for Halloween. Yet if you were to ask me what my favourite 50 horror films are, outside of possibly the first one I don’t think any of them would feature. If I was to mention some of my least favourite moments in cinema, and another list of my favourite moments, the Saw franchise would feature a lot more in the first list than the second. It’s a franchise of wasted potential. I’ve insulted them a lot, but if I was asked to write and make a new film in any horror franchise, it would definitely be a Saw one.

Saw X (pronounced how a person from Boston would say “socks”) is probably the best Saw film yet. By which I don’t mean the most enjoyable, or with the best deaths/motives etc. I mean it’s the one that feels the most mature. When it comes to horror movies, people tend to use “mature” as a shortcut for “lots of blood, swearing, and nudity”, but to me, true maturity is in restraint (not restraints, that’s a different kind of mature content). It’s in trusting that the audience is with you, so you don’t need to resort to constant deaths and shock. I know a lot of people watch this specifically for the traps, but for people who are willing to wait and show a little patience, it’s the most rewarding one yet.

Saw X is also helped by how independent it is from the other entries in the franchise. Amanda Young being in it does mean that if you’ve watched the first three then you’d have a better understanding, but I don’t think it’s essential. It provides you with the very basic necessary details so even newcomers won’t be lost. The post-credits scene probably does require some background knowledge, but in a post-credits that’s allowed.

Now onto the bad; the ending is somewhat underwhelming in terms of catharsis. Saw has never decided to not take an opportunity to be cruel to those it feels deserve it (and in the case of Joyce in Saw 3D, those who don’t deserve it), so the fact that we are given one of the most despicable humans in cinema history should mean we are given a hugely satisfying scene, but it never really comes. If anybody deserves to be put through hell it’s some of the characters in this, but we’re denied it for some reason.

It’s also not helped by how utterly pointless it feels. There’s a moment where John Kramers’s life is in danger, yet we’ve seen him die in another film so we know he survives. This entry doesn’t add to the mythos, doesn’t change anything we thought was true etc. It just exists, like it was written without the knowledge of what’s to come. It feels like it’s just plugging in gaps which weren’t there to begin with. It feels more like a cheap comic book that would be released between movies than an actual movie which is a shame. It also has the same problem most of these have had; it feels very insular. You don’t get the feeling that this is a world in the grips of a mysterious serial killer. There are almost no indication that Jigsaw is being hunted by the police, no moments where he has to escape possible prosecution etc.

Really, this whole franchise was f*cked by the decision to kill John Kramer so decisively in the third film, it’s been spinning its wheels since then and it knows it. This brings me to my next point; they don’t really refer to him as Jigsaw that much in this. They do refer to him as Kramer quite a lot, and as someone who has been watching a lot of Seinfeld lately, it’s difficult to get past.

Dumb Money (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A drama comedy about the internet teaming up to take down a Wall Street hedge fund

I was really looking forward to this. It felt like a modern version of The Big Short (well, even more modern), only unlike that, it was a topic I actually knew some stuff about. Partly because The Big Short did such a good job of explaining what shorting means in regards to investments, but also because I remember this all happening, I was reading news and social media to follow it. I couldn’t give a presentation on it, but I could bluff my way through a conversation about it.

I’m lucky I did, because this is near incomprehensible if you don’t know about the events. I hate doing it, but I’m going to mention The Big Short again (and will do a lot throughout this review); I knew more going into Dumb Money than I did going into that, and yet I left Dumb Money knowing less. It’s a complicated situation, and it feels like Dumb Money expects you to be knowledgeable about the subject going in. There’s no effort made to bring you up to speed, resulting in a confusing mess.

The sense of confusion is not helped by the directing. I don’t get how this was made by the same person (Craig Gillespie) as I, Tonya and Cruella. Those two were slick masterpieces of visual storytelling, whereas this feels like it’s trying waaaay too hard. The editing, in particular, feels like a case of “will do for now, tighten it up later”. It is reminiscent of of obnoxious youtubers mixed with dickhead 90’s skateboarders where random things get overlaid with cartoon images and silly faces. In the end it just felt kind of immature, like it knew it wasn’t explaining itself properly so just went “look, random!”

None of this is on the performers; all of whom are great in what they do; it’s just that whenever it feels like they get momentum, the film pulls away and starts showing over people. It either needed to be pared down, or do a much better job of screentime distribution.

It also has an issue with how it relates to the real world. It doesn’t feel like it does. We get news footage of people talking about it, but it feels weirdly isolated from reality, like it takes place in its own bubble away from the rest of the world.

It has its fun moments though, there are some moments of real emotional depth and seriousness. And the moments featuring the real court testimony is nice to see. But it’s not fun enough to be truly enjoyable.

It’s possible I’d like this more if I hadn’t watched The Big Short, but since I have, comparisons between the two are inevitable, and there’s not a single area in which this is preferable. It is a shame, as on it’s own it’s a 5/10, but in a universe where a better version exists; it’s knocked down severely. Everything in it has been done better, and recently. Even the song choices.

Past Lives (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Childhood sweethearts are torn apart then reunite decades down the line and wonder what could have been in this powerful story from Celine Song

Past Lives is divisive. You will either be entranced by it’s beauty, or bored senseless. It requires you to be an active watcher. Usually, when I say this it’s because it’s so intricate that if you turn away you risk missing important plot points (as is the case for They Cloned Tyrone, spoilers for a future review). But with this, there are not really important plot points to miss out on. You can watch 1 minute every half hour and figure out what’s happened, character motivations etc. So why do you need to be an active watcher? Because you need to be in a position to let it overwhelm you. You can’t go in half-arsed, you need to be fully immersed for it to work. You can’t watch it whilst looking at your watch, talking to someone, or wondering what you’re going to make for dinner, if you did that it would break the immersion. I think that’s why it’s going to do better with reviewers than audiences; I can see casual movie-going audiences tuning out and not really being entranced by the ethereal beauty contained within. And this is a beautiful watch. I’ve seen films described as rollercoasters, or in some cases a car-crash, this is more like lazily drifting down a river in the arms of a loved one; the soft rocking and gentle noises lulling you into a sense of serenity (not the Firefly movie).

It is really hard to talk about this because it’s something that feels like it hypnotises you whilst you watch it, which makes it hard to judge once you’re no longer in the moment. I’m not sure how well it would stand up if you watch it on a normal screen in daylight rather than in a darkened cinema. Whilst you’re watching, you will enjoy it. But you will be aware of its flaws; there are a few times when it repeats itself and lingers slightly too long after it’s made the point and the mood has been set. The shots are beautiful in their simplicity. There’s no “wow, that’s a stunning shot”, but every shot feels carefully chosen not so much to tell the story, but to set the mood. The choices made were all about setting the atmosphere, and it’s hard to find better choices they could have made. To be honest, it somehow felt like it wasn’t a film, but was a story we were witnessing play out in front of us. We aren’t an audience, we’re a witness, sitting in the room with them observing what’s happening. This lends the whole thing a sense of intimacy. Everything feels human and full of love.

The sense of humanity and love is enhanced by the performers. Teo Yoo and Greta Lee share an undeniable chemistry. To the point where a scene of just the two of them sitting somewhat near each other is rife with romantic tension. Individually they’re great too; Teo Yoo has leading man energy, and Greta Lee will be something special in the near future; she has genuine Best Actress energy.

I felt genuine love for Past Lives, its themes, the central romance was believable and you wanted them to be together, the emotion behind it etc. But will it be among my favourite films of the year? Possibly. It will be up there, but won’t be first on the list. I get the feeling that in the future Nora Song may make what I consider to be one of my favourite films of all time.

Barbie (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Do you really need me to say it? I mean, odds are you’ve already seen this so….

This film is big. That much is obvious by now. It’s the highest-grossing film by a female director, has reached $1billion dollars quicker than any other Warner Bros property (and that includes the Harry Potter films), and is now their highest-grossing film ever. It’s also the highest-grossing film of the year, beating The Super Mario Bros. Movie. This pleases me. The Super Mario Bros. Movie (or TSMBM for short, pronounced Tisembum) was good, it was very funny in parts. But it didn’t strike me as something that deserved to hold records. This does. It is, as one of my friends put it “everything”. It’s incredibly smart, it’s funny, has a killer soundtrack, great look, and memorable music, essentially it has almost everything you want in a film.

I suppose I have to add a bit more to this don’t I? Balls.

There was a lot of trepidation when this was announced. Audiences were worried it was going to be another soulless cash grab, completely devoid of originality or anything worthwhile. Then the first trailer was released, and people started to come around to the fact that there’s a possibility that it’s actually going to be batshit insane. I can confirm, it is. But not in a “weird for the sake of weird” way, or even in a “confusing” way. More in a “this feels like a child wrote it”, it makes narrative leaps that seem weird, but they do have a logic to them.

Margot Robbie is perfect for playing Barbie. It’s weird though; she’s the lead, the title character, but she is slightly overshadowed by both Ryan Babygoose’s Ken and America Ferrera’s Gloria. It could be argued that it’s more about the narrative arc of Ken than it is about Barbie, and it’s hard to disagree that he’s given more characterisation as the film goes on. He also has the best musical moment with I’m Just Ken. Gloria wasn’t given much attention in the marketing, but she provides a lot of what makes Barbie more than you’d think it would be. Because she’s a human character she’s given more dimensions to work with, whilst also working as the audience surrogate.

In terms of look? It looks unique. It’s made to look like the whole thing takes place in a toy universe. Some ways are obvious, but then there are other ways which are a bit more subtle; the way everything is scaled slightly incorrectly etc. Greta Gerwig did a fantastic job with the look of this, making it look so fake and plastic that ironically it looks real.

Now onto the bad; there are a lot of performers who feel underutilized. Will Ferrell’s character for example could be taken out of the script and it would require only minimal adjustments to fill the narrative hole left. The Ruth Handler moment could also be played a lot better, as it is it kind of feels like a “we’ll do this now, but think of something better later” script idea. It could maybe go a bit more traditional in the third act, where it seems like it’s throwing everything against the wall, most of which works, but some don’t. It did feature my own personal highlight; Gloria’s monologue about modern femininity which she uses to break the brainwashed Barbies out of their spell. It encapsulates the best of what Barbie achieves; it’s the kind of dialogue which can only be written by a writer who is either a woman or is paying a lot of attention. It’s important, but also doesn’t feel overly preachy.

I mean, some people were still annoyed by it, describing it as “anti-men”, but those people were looking to hate it anyway. I saw some commentators saying that the beginning of the film was pro-abortion because it features children throwing away dolls of babies. Anybody with intelligence would have recognised it as a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey, but then again people who add lies about how “they then all screamed Kill All Babies” aren’t exactly overflowing with intelligence. There have also been people who claim that Barbie visiting a gynaecologist at the end is a pro-abortion message; because obviously that’s all gynaecologists do. F*cking idiots.

I mentioned the opening; it does a really good job of explaining WHY Barbie matters. Make no mistake; she does matter. She’s had a huge influence on life, to the point where it’s not crazy to say that there is a little bit of Barbie in all of us; and not just because of the microplastics we ingest on a daily basis that are slowly killing us.

Nope, I’m not ending with that. I’m ending it with the biggest downside of this film. Because it was so successful, studios obviously will want to recreate the success. Will they do that by giving critically acclaimed indie directors a big budget and creative freedom? Or by getting scriptwriters to focus on delivering intelligent, subversive scripts? Or will they do it by just making films based on toys, no matter the quality?

It’s the last one.

Fuck.

The Equalizer 3 (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Denzil Washington accidentally fights the mafia.

I didn’t mind the first Equalizer film, but I was less impressed with the second, mainly because I found it overly long, with the non-action scenes in particular dragging. I also found it had a twist that was incredibly obvious. This fixed the mistakes of the second one; it doesn’t feel as long, it doesn’t aim for a big twist, and it calms down on the “he’s a good, such a good, real good person” aspects which plagued the second one. Overall, I think it’s probably the best one of the three, it’s certainly the one I’m more likely to watch again.

It’s not perfect, it does drag slightly, and there isn’t that much meat on the narrative bones to make it fully satisfying. The music choices are a bit odd, feeling like they’re aiming at a younger audience than the rest of the film. And as good as Denzil is (and he is good in this role), the cuts around his physical limitations are getting more noticeable.

Now onto the good; it always surprises me how brutal these films are. In my head they’re all “someone gets shot and they fall down” and that’s as violent as it gets; all squibs and crash mats. But nope, it’s bloody. It doesn’t build up to it either, it starts with the aftermath of a bloody massacre; as openings go, it’s certainly one of the most shocking.

I haven’t seen the first two since I watched them at the cinema, and I only remember bits and pieces from them. That doesn’t seem to matter though, the only character to return is the main one. There’s an allusion to the previous films at the end (via a TERRIBLY photoshopped picture) but it’s shot in such a “THIS PICTURE IS IMPORTANT!” way that anybody who understands film language (and who knows this is a sequel, but the 3 in the title should be a big indicator of that) would understand “okay, that’s her parents, and her parents obviously know Robert McCall, that’s why he phoned her”.

There’s been a lot of love for the action scenes in this, so I won’t repeat ground others have already plowed over, instead I’m going to praise something that I feel hasn’t got enough love; this has the best explosion scene I’ve seen in a long time. Usually, explosions in cinema are just a big bang, but if you are not in the immediate zone you’re fine. In fact, if you duck or jump, you’re normally fine, and once the explosion itself is over everything is back to normal. This shows the risk that being in the general area has. Instead of feeling like a bit of a shock, it feels like something which gives everyone in the local area PTSD. That’s something which this series has always excelled at; they’ve always been technically good. They’ve also maintained a good sense of visual and tonal continuity. Probably because, unlike a lot of other action franchises, they’ve all been made by the same director; Antoine Fuqua. Keeping him on for all three means that all three flow together well. It doesn’t reach the heights of the Planet Of The Apes trilogy, but there’s not as many differences between the three. If you really enjoy one, you’re going to really enjoy all three of them.

I think the franchise is closed now (outside of the TV show). It hasn’t changed the industry, or even became that critically acclaimed. But what this series has done, is be dependable. You know what’s going on with this, and sometimes, that’s all you want from something.

Blue Beetle (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Jaime Reyes finds himself the unwilling host of an alien symbiotic host. Why, yes, this is very similar to Venomn, why do you ask?

I am not really a comic book guy. I enjoy them, and I know a little bit about them, but there are just so many of them that I have to be honest, I don’t know where to start. I read the ones I have heard are important, or are super fucked up (Hello Gail Simone’s horror graphic novel Clean Room, you delightfully terrifying bitch. The book is a terrifying bitch, Gail Simone is a treasure who must be protected at all costs). So I’m not that familiar with Blue Beetle as a character. Let’s be honest though; that shouldn’t matter. A lot of people won’t agree with me here but I think the only thing that matters in these films are the movies themselves. If it doesn’t happen in the movies/TV shows, it doesn’t happen. You shouldn’t need to do research to watch a film, it should all make sense in its own universe. “oh, but that plot point is actually easily explained if you read issue 155 of the original comic from 1948”, nope, fuck that.

All of that is my long-winded way of saying I went in relatively blind as to the character. It didn’t matter though, he was written well enough that you knew what he was like very early on, the same goes for the background characters too. The family could be annoying; they’re loud, boisterous, and pushy. But they’re all written and played with just enough warmth and reality that they work. At different points they’re almost all highlights. Belissa Escobedo provides an almost Aubrey Plaza performance in her role as Jaime’s sister Milagro. George Lopez has his moments, giving a lot of the best lines. Adriana Barraza gives a kick-ass performance as Nana, starting off exactly as you expect her to be, but then evolving into a character you want to know more about; if anybody from this series deserves a prequel comic book it’s her; her backstory is rich with possibilities. It’s a shame the future of the DCEU is up in the air because I want to see more from these characters.

So, that’s the characters, but is the film itself any good? It’s…..good. That’s all it is. It’s probably in the top half of the DC films but that’s only because a lot of them have been pretty shit. It faces the problems that a lot of DC films have had lately; it’s just “there”. There’s not much about it that’s new or surprising. Yes, it is important to have a non-white superhero, and the stories involved in that do need telling. But it would be useful if the story being told was being told in a good way. The hints of gentrification etc are great, but it’s never really given enough focus. It’s also quite sad that (just like Green Lantern), when he’s given a power which involves “creating whatever you can think of” the results aren’t more creative. There is also an issue with one character’s geography in the closing third. He seems to change locations quite a lot, randomly going from one set of characters to the next with no indication of how close the two locations are.

Overall though, it is a fun watch, and you will enjoy yourself while watching it. The moment where the scarab enters Jaime contains great body horror moments, and if we were shown more creativity like that it would be incredible. As it is, it’s just good, but a month after you watch it, will you be dying to watch it again? Probably not.