Contemplations On Chucky: Day 3 (Child’s Play 3)

Director: Jack Bender (Game Of Thrones, The Sopranos, Lost)

Budget: $13million

Box Office: $20million

  • This film is weird, was definitely seen as the weakest at the time. It was released only nine months after the second one yet the in-universe time difference between the two is about 9 years. It’s actually lucky this film was badly received as it meant that there wouldn’t be a sequel to this for almost a decade, by which time real time had caught up with the movie’s timeline. Stupid of Universal to demand a sequel that quickly really. They asked the writer to start it before the second film was even released. As such the writer (Don Mancini) was out of ideas as he used a lot of them in the second one, and because it wasn’t released yet he had no idea about what people thought worked in it and what didn’t, so he was basically going into the third one without knowing how the second one was going to be received.
  • Okay that is one hell of an opening credits sequence. It shows the Chucky doll being remade, there’s something about melted plastic forming into shapes that is quite unsettling and it’s used wonderfully here, especially when combined with the music.
  • Oooooo a presentation, I hope it ends with a duck on a boat.
  • “the notorious lakeshore strangler” not so notorious of course that when people say his name people don’t go “who?”
  • “Why put the Good Guy doll back on the market?” Guy there asking a very sensible question.
  • “Before this it was our biggest seller”, well, yeah but that was eight years ago, eight years ago from today Alexandra Burke had a UK number one, doesn’t mean she’s due for a comeback any day now.
  • “I really don’t think this is a good idea” I like this guy, he’s really sympathetic, shame he never appears after this and is probably going to be fired.
  • “Doesn’t matter what we’re selling whether it’s cars, nuclear weapons, or toys” As a toy manufacturer I’d suggest you stick to toys. There’s not much room on the Fisher Price “My First Nuclear Bomb” playset.
  • “The Good Guy of the 90’s” Looks exactly the same as the 80’s one. And why do they keep insisting on using the model that was accused of murder and has been burnt and chopped up? Try fixing one that hasn’t been almost completely destroyed.
  • I always felt these films have missed out on a really creepy shot of a line of Good Guy dolls in a toy store, all perfectly still except for the eyes are all moving at the same time, seemingly following someone walking through the aisle, then the eyes on one of them dart quickly the other way.
  • Businessman doing business things, like playing golf and watching  business news, good work Vincent Adultman.
  • Random fact: Peter Jackson was asked to direct this. First there was Nightmare On Elm Street, now this. Can Peter Jackson just make a god-damn horror movie now so we can stop wondering?
  • Chucky uses a bunch of toys to create horror movie scares. See, this annoys me as if they had more time in the scripting process this would have been a highlight of the series. As it is it’s good, but not quite great. Although the scene at the end with the two dolls “conversing” whilst sitting in chairs is unsettling enough to justify it.
  • Actually where did those two dolls come from? They said this was the first one in eight years, did he keep two dolls around in his office for almost a decade? Weird guy.
  • “Nothing like a strangulation to get the circulation going” obvious sex joke is obvious.
  • Psychological profile of Andy describes him as a “juvinile” The real crime is illiteracy. And murder. And making tea by putting in the milk first.
  • “these fantasies of killer dolls” weirdest fetish ever.
  • “Who are you?” “I’m a Good Guy”. This advert reminds me of the biggest problem I have with this re-release of the toys, the children who brought them eight years ago will all be grown up now. Children now won’t have any idea who they are, so why on earth would they want a toy they don’t know when there’s so many better ones available?
  • Guy is found tied up in the cupboard, yup, definitely nothing homoerotic about that.
  • “Do you know who I am?” Has a character, actually no, scratch that, a person, ever said that who hasn’t been a complete arsehole?
  • “You are without a doubt the most pathetic thing I have ever seen”, I take it he hasn’t seen his own penis then.
  • “asshole” “what did you say” “I said you asshole” “you think you’re pretty funny don’t you?” “yes”. That woman is basically me if I was older, and a woman, and in the military, and looked better, and was in shape.
  • Person knocks the toy out of a child’s hand, and then immediately disappears. The person who knocked it out of his hands was walking down the stairs, and the toy got knocked down them too. So in the next shot they should have been there, but nope, just disappeared yet.
  • “who the fuck are you?” “I thought you guys only said three sentences”, yeah the other two are “Go fuck yourself” and “I’m your friend to the end”
  • “What am I doing wrong?” Well when you’re shooting you miss the target, that’s your biggest problem.
  • It’s weird that they didn’t actually teach him proper gun use and instead are depending on one of the other cadets to do it.
  • “It’s not a baton Barclay”, well to be fair how would you know as you’ve never fucking taught him how to shoot.
  • “This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for fighting, this is for fun”. To clarify the gun is his penis. And there’s a shot of him grabbing his own dick, a close up.
  • “A soldier’s rifle is his best friend”, well that’s just sad.
  • Chucky crushes the garbage collector because….reasons. That’s the trouble with constant sequelization of horror films, the characters lose their motivations. In the first film Chucky didn’t kill many people, and only really did it for personal vengeance from when he was alive, or when people discovered him. Was similar in the second one, only he seemed to have a connection with Andy so he also moved onto those who were mistreating Andy, so he was almost going against those who wrong his potential vessel. In this one he’s so far killed two people, none of which were necessary, and the second one actively helped blow his cover. If he didn’t kill the garbageman after escaping the truck then Andy wouldn’t have suspected he was there so it would have been easier for him to go about his nefarious ways.
  • Chucky slices the back of Andy’s foot. I very rarely say this but I definitely wrote a better version of that. If he got the achilles tendon that would have severely disabled Andy for the rest of the film. The actual slicing should have been a lot more visceral too, it should have made people wince, as it is it just looks like nothing.
  • “Chucky’s gonna be a bro” that’s racist. And stupid, why on earth did he reveal himself to Andy then? He’s just making things difficult for himself.
  • “I got myself another slave” I’ll take “lines that would have sounded a lot worse if the main character was black” for $1,000 please.
  • “I’m trying to weed out a thief”, but you stole it first.
  • Chucky kills someone via heart attack, even he seems disappointed by that. Funny thought, about time that happened.
  • “Do yourself a favour and get the hell out of Kent”, people have been saying the same thing to me for nigh on 30 years.
  • You may remember this character said earlier that the reason soldiers need short hair is so that someone can’t grab it and slit your throat. Predictably he dies by someone slitting his throat.
  • The idea of switching out paintball bullets for normal bullets is a good idea on paper (I actually used it in a short story for GCSE English) but it’s stupid and ridiculous in execution for two reasons: 1) Guns which fire paint rounds are usually specially modified to allow it and can’t fire normal rounds. 2) It’s standard military practice to check your ammunition before firing. So a nice idea but one that defies logic.
  • “Now we can play hide the soul” is that similar to hide the sausage? If so I don’t want to play it.
  • Surely they’d notice they’re not firing paint rounds when they change the ammunition or when their shots hit a tree or something and there’s no paint.
  • Obvious fake snow is obvious.
  • So out of all these trained cadets, not one of them noticed a live grenade being thrown towards them.
  • We now go to a nearby fairground, which to me is way too close to the military exercises to be considered safe.
  • So now we’ve moved away from the army base, which is a shame as there were a lot of opportunities for interesting set pieces that weren’t really used. Okay the fairground also has a lot of interesting things that could be used but they only have like 12 minutes left in this film in which to do so, and that’s including credits.
  • Wait, the fairground ride has paper masquerading as fire, yet has a real f*cking scythe?  More to the point, nothing of interest happened in the ghost house, massive disappointment.
  • See, now there it makes sense to have blades, in a fan, but they should still be covered by something.
  • Andy ducks to avoid being hit by a rollercoaster train. Wait, the train is still going? And nobody can see or hear the attempted murder that’s going on?
  • Chucky gets his hand cut off, again, I think that’s happened in ever film so far. You’d think he’d be used to it.
  • Chucky falls into the fan and gets cut, and seems to explode. Quick question; how on earth is this going to be covered up? How are they going to explain the gun?
  • Wait, I know that cop. That’s the manager from Chuck. Cool.
  • So now the end credits. Overall somewhat enjoyable, definitely the weakest so far though and way too many missed opportunities.

A Nightmare A Day: Day 8 (Freddy Vs. Jason)

Director: Ronny Yu (Bride Of Chucky, Bride With White Hair, The 51st State

Budget: $30million

US Box Office: $114.9million

  • Unskippable adverts on the DVD. This company REALLY wants me to hate their films don’t they?
  • I now refuse to watch Underworld on principle. On the principle that it looks awful.
  • As does Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the Michael Bay version, which is odd as I didn’t think chainsaws could explode)
  • Random fact: at one point Peter Jackson was on board to direct this. Nothing against Ronny Yu but that’s the second time a studio has turned down a chance to let Peter Jackson do a Nightmare On Elm Street film. Idiots.
  • Should point out: I won’t be counting the deaths in this one for two reasons
    1. There’s too many
    2. Not all of them are Freddy’s so would be wrong to compare body counts
  • Opening scenes show Freddy pre-death.
  • In a really disturbing scene, Freddy kills a small girl, then licks a photo of her.
  • Freddy origin story. I usually abhor this kind of thing, but it makes sense here as it was a while since the last Freddy film, and plus the Friday The 13th crowd might not know much.
  • Really good shot of Freddy’s eyes.
  • Yay, flashbacks to the earlier films. First death shown: the human puppet death. Evidently it’s not just my favourite one.
  • Also explains why there haven’t been any new films in a while.
  • “being dead is okay, but being forgotten, now that’s a bitch” Oddly poignant line there.
  • Montage of Freddy being bitch slapped by everyone.
  • Boobs! *sigh* Not needed. Could have been achieved through just shooting from the neck up and leaving it to imagination.
  • She puts a jacket on, but evidently the power of fanservice means one of the breasts attempts to escape and just hangs there outside her jacket as she runs. So disappointing. Horror films do know there’s a difference between “scared stiff” and “scared whilst stiff” right?
  • “you know what your gift is? No matter what they do to you, you cannot die” erm thanks, I got you a gift voucher, I feel our gifts are slightly uneven.
  • “make them remember what fear tastes like!” Chocolate covered gherkins?
  • Main character is called Lori, and her boyfriend disappeared, I bet that won’t come up later.
  • Hey it’s the member of Destiny’s Child who isn’t Beyonce or the other one.
  • “i only smoke when i drink” “but you always drink” “well that’s what I’ll work on next” Will admit, that made me chuckle.
  • “don’t be a total cocksmith” is that like a blacksmith, but with penis’s?
  • “i like the flow of your place, got good feng shui”, I hope this guy dies, slowly and painfully.
  • “babe, don’t make me ask you twice” All of you just die.
  • FFS more pointless boobs. This one’s even more annoying as the actress had a no-nudity clause in her contract so they had to hire a body double. See, the fact that no-nudity clauses exist are why their needs to be a greater representation of female film-makers. And the fact that directors pressure women into breaking that clause is why there these women need crossbows .
  • Hey, the guy died. Good.
  • So just saying “freddy” is enough to somehow make people who aren’t aware of Freddy Krueger scared of him. It could have been any Freddy: Mercury, Adu etc. That would be a much weirder film, people being haunted and killed by an American soccer player.
  • Lori dreams of walking past a set of posters of missing children, who turn to face her as she walks past. Proper video-game style scare. On that note: I was going to blog about Eternal Darkness today, and why that film is fantastic. I won’t now though as we’ll be having a special blog written by a guest contributor that will be very cool and we hope you enjoy. Oh, also in the dream there’s a girl with gouged out eyeballs who tells her more about Freddy and his love for little girls. I love gouged out eyes in horror, such a visceral image.
  • And now the feng shui guy is dead (I think, all white frat boys look the same to me). Hacked by a machete after waking up and seeing his dad’s head fall off. I hate when that happens.
  • Hey, there’s a mental institution with a guy in it with same name as Lori’s ex who disappeared randomly. What a crazy coincidence.
  • Hey, it’s young not-John Cusack (no, not Miles Teller, the other one).
  • “you had to sleep at a police station, I’d have had nightmares too” of course you would, you’re black, you’d get knocked the f*ck out.
  • Hey, the institution guy is her ex. Who saw that happening?
  • And luckily the guy not-Beyonce tried to hook her up with is now dead, so no moral questions of whether they’re still in a relationship or not. Lucky!
  • Oh, side note: Lori’s ex is called Will and is played by John Ritter’s son. So close to awesome.
  • “this fucker’s going to spread like the plague, kid’s are going to be falling asleep” Fairly certain that’s normal.
  • Jason appears at a rave and doesn’t dance. If this were CinemaSins they’d be a ding right there. Of course, if this was CinemaSins we’d have a bigger audience so….
  • He grabs a weird metal pipe, kind of like I do when I play Condemned. If he spends the next hour picking up dead birds this film is gonna suuuuuuuck.
  • Not John Cusack delivers a “Reason You Suck” speech to not-Beyonce. She deserved it.
  • “let’s go shake our ass on the dance floor”, says the only black character, yay stereotypes.
  • A raver basically rapes one of the characters. Some people would disagree but for me, she’s passed out, he tries to fuck her, that’s rape.
  • He dies. Good.
  • So does she, not so good. But she was kind of annoying, that’s bad too.
  • Jason steals Freddy’s kills. Come-on man, don’t be a shock-blocker (lame I know, but not many synonyms for kill rhyme with block, if he killed him with a kitchen appliance I could have said wok-block).
  • That reminds me: if a serial killer kills another serial killer does it work like conkers so he gains all his kills?
  • Jason appears in a cornfield and is heckled by two stoners. Because obviously if you see a serial killer (and in this universe Jason is real so you’d have to assume they know him) carrying a machete, you mock him.
  • Jason kills someone with a neck massage. Then goes to kill the fat stoner who attempts to run away.
  • Fat guy dies, this is why cardio is important, kids.
  • The guy spits blood at the screen when he dies. Fantastic shot.
  • Random fact: there was originally going to be a scene which showed that Freddy had raped Jason’s mother, thereby giving Jason motivation to go after Freddy. This was then changed to Freddy molesting Jason when he was a kid. This was then dropped for being “too dark”. I’d have dropped it for being kinda stupid and contrived, “too dark” is a stupid reason considering the amount of deaths in this.
  • Hey, it’s Titus’s brother. In a photo, and yet is one of the only actors I recognise in this film without having to look them up.
  • Freddy sets someone on fire, telepathically, then throws them across the room and writes a message in his back using burn marks. Personally, when I want to get a message across, I use e-mail, but I suppose he’s stuck in his ways.
  • A stoner, who’s totally not based on Jason Mewes
  • “freddy died by fire, jason by water, how can we use that?” I dunno, find someone died from air?
  • “not a virgin, even if you pay for it it still counts”
  • I think I’ve figured out the problems with these films. Too many dream fake outs. Moments where you think it’s reality but it turns out to be a dream. It pulls that trick far far too often.
  • Crushed to death by door. There must be a joke there but I’m simply not seeing it.
  • Not-jay follows a bong-smoking giant worm.
  • Jason accidentally sticks his machete in a computer console, electrocuting himself and a cop who’s name I can’t remember but he looks like he’s called “Jesse”.
  • Side note: how often do you think Jason has to sharpen his machete? Just a random deleted scene where we saw him hunched over a knife sharpner. And what does he do if it breaks? Can’t imagine there’s many places that would fix it. “Oh that, it’s just cranberry sauce, I was chopping up cranberries, why didn’t I use a normal knife? Erm, *hacks to death*”
  • Stoner gets hacked to death at the waist in a scene reminiscent of using the bastard sword from ED.
  • Jason chops of Freddy’s arms, I would make an “don’t worry about him, he’s ‘armless” joke but Freddy’s arms grow back and he makes the “wanker” hand gesture. And my room for jokes is “never be less funny than the thing you’re making jokes about”. That’s why I don’t make jokes about [insert public figure that you, dear reader, do not personally like]
  • Change of colour scheme there from red to green. Is weird as always associated red with Freddy, so it’s odd that the power struggle shift where Jason becomes weak is signified by the colour no longer being red. I’d have thought it would be the other way around.
  • I haven’t seen any Friday the 13th films so I may be wrong: but Jason isn’t afraid of water is he? So why is he here? The villain in the first film wasn’t Jason, he didn’t appear until the very end where he came out the water and killed someone. So if he was scared of water his first appearance wouldn’t work. Freddy works in dreams and has infinite powers there, you didn’t need to give Jason a weakness to make it an even fight.
  • Finally, over an hour in and we get the Jason origin story. Basically, he was bald and kids bullied him, put a bag over his head and throw in the river. Kids are awful people. Surely that goes beyond a prank is more, erm, what’s the word, homicide?
  • “what do you want me to, give him mouth to mouth?” dude, it’s not gay if it saves a life.
  • “Kia, he has asthma!” Worst dramatic line ever.
  • Beautifully lit scene where Freddy jumps out the water. One downside is the lighting makes him look like Darth Maul, or that weird thing from Insidious.
  • “always had a thing for the whores in this house” Dude, I know you’re a psychopathic child killer/rapist, but is there any need the misogyny? Freddy’s not a gentleman, he has a hat yet he never doths it.
  • Freddy says “bitch” far too often. It’s making me uncomfortable.
  • Generic rock music, track 4.
  • “it’s just a scratch” says a dying person. Sadly, not a monty python reference
  • Slow pan down to blood pouring from him to make it clear he’s dead, as if we didn’t know already.
  • Again with the calling women bitch?
  • “how sweet, dark meat” That’s racist!
  • “what kind of faggot runs around in a christmas sweater?” Kelly Rowland there being massively homophobic. Important note: it’s not the script being homophobic, she improvised that, it’s all on her. The writers detested it, because they’re halfway decent people. I bet if the writers were in Destiny’s Child then Beyonce wouldn’t have left. Basically what I’m saying is, Kelly Rowland is directly responsible for me having to google Beyonce songs to try to think of a joke to end this bit on, thereby making my google search history that little bit more embarrassing, and I couldn’t even think of one. F*ck you Kelly Rowland.
  • Kelly Roland gets hit with a machete and somehow defies the laws of physics by not being cut, but by flying into a tree. If she survives I’m going to kill her.
  • Several close ups as something heavy hits a wall. Not so much “chekovs gun” as “check out this really obvious thing that’s going to happen”.
  • Freddy has lost his hat, now he looks more like a pizza than ever.
  • Lori there carrying flames like the olympic torch. Oddly apt considering how many deaths and evictions the olympics have caused.
  • Stuff happens, massive fight scene that goes on far too long and doesn’t feature any creative set pieces.
  • Jason comes out the water carrying Freddy’s head. I guess that’s that settled then.
  • Oh wait, Freddy winks at the audience. He’s still alive. I guess this whole endeavour was as pointless as the anatomy of a Ken doll.

Overall: not bad, but really weird when compared to the rest. From the increased death count, the language and the nudity, the whole thing makes it seem like it’s aimed at teenage males to go “wooo” at. It tries so hard to be mature that it ends up coming off as downright childish. It is very well directed though, has some truly beautiful shots, it’s just a shame the script is lacking.

The issue with these “vs” films is you can’t end them. You can’t show one defeating the other fully as it says the other franchise is weaker, so kills it right there. So you have to go with the fake out ending like they do here. It might have worked better as a video game, where you control one of the two and need to outlast/outkill the other. They’re DLC in Mortal Kombat, so we’ve got that I suppose

A Nightmare A Day: Day 6 (Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare)

Director: Rachel Talalay (hey, female director, nice. Well played studioheads. Oh, also directed Tank Girl, and two episodes of Doctor Who, with another two later on in the year).

Budget: $11million

US Box Office: $34.8million

  • Hey, it starts with a quote. I’ve missed these. “Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep? To the very toes he is terrified, because the ground gives way under him, and the dream begins” – Friedrich Nietzsche. And to answer the question, no, I do not know the terror of he who falls asleep. But allow me to ask a question to you, mr dead German nihilist: do you know the muffin man?
  • Oh, another quote. “Welcome to Prime Time, bitch” – Freddy Krueger. I prefer that one.
  • Odd choice for opening soundtrack: The Goo Goo Dolls
  • “Springwood, Ohio, ten years from now”. 1) so in 2025? I hate when films do this, just put the actual year you mean. Unless you’re going for a “in a distant future when technology is changed” then you automatically date the film. 2) This looks like an Atari game, and not a good one.
  • So somehow Freddy has killed a lot of teenagers and adults since the last film, we don’t get told how or shown them, because of course we don’t.
  • Damn kids are creepy.
  • “I really need to change seats” If the plane crashes you’re going to die anyway.
  • “Don’t be a pussy”. Rude.
  • This music reminds me of the Wizard Of Oz.
  • His house is somehow flying and crashing to the ground. If it lands on a witch I’m tapping out.
  • Freddy appears outside the window on a broomstick saying “I’ll get you, my pretty, and you’re little soul too”. 1) #MovieReference 2) Oh so it’s okay when Freddy says it, but when I say that to people I get told to leave Asda?
  • Wait, Brian May did the music for this? THE Brian May? Poodle-haired Queen guitarist Brian May? No way. Oh, turns out, no way, it’s a different musician called Brian May. Well that’s disappointing.
  • This guy falls down a hill. For 40 seconds. Seriously, I timed it. 40 seconds.
  • He’s a bus station and the guy selling tickets is sat behind a bloodstained window, still nicer than Wycombe station.
  • He gets hit by a bus, and is kind of stuck to the front of it. The bus stops and he goes through some kind of portal (I think) and ends up in daylight. I’m guessing he got run over into reality, as often happens.
  • He hit his head, so he now has amnesia. Because that’s totally how that works. Honestly, when will films stop using amnesia as a plot device? What kind of idiotic person would write something so cliche?
  • Hey, it’s Spencer, played by “whatshisface” from Road Trip, and absolutely nothing else.
  • “all he wants me to do is grow up and be him” and maybe stop setting cars on fire?
  • “I don’t feel like playing football and date-raping co-eds.” Well, then don’t go to school in America then.
  • This kid had a pipebomb in his room. Apparently it’s not the first one. Are we supposed to think this is typical teenage rebellion? Because it’s not, it’s terrorism. Oh wait, he’s white, it’s just “youthful hijinks”
  • “you’ll be boxing champion on the world” not with all those kicks. Silly Tracy.
  • So got a deaf guy (Carlos). And in a kind of cool scene he just removes his hearing aid and we just get silence for a few seconds. I like it.
  • Turns out he’s deaf through some kind of physical abuse from father. You know, the kind of thing people say “if we could this kids would be better behaved”. Find it strange when people say “I was hit as a child and I turned out fine” Really, dude? Because you have a strange pre-occupation with punching babies, that’s not normal.
  • Amnesia guy wakes up in a seemingly abandoned house. Good use of shadow in this scene, award yourself +5 Directing points Mrs Talalay.
  • Ok, you lost all those points through woeful CGI of him climbing invisible stairs.
  • “I’ve dealt with amnesiacs before”. Is that the word? It seems clunky.
  • A sign saying “welcome to Springwood” and the exact population of the town. How often do they have to change those things? Or is it a “throw a baby out the town as soon as it’s born” kind of deal? If I had a town I’d put a sign up saying “Full of lots of lovely people, and Dave”
  • Pretty much the entire cast (I haven’t quite figured out who the main character is supposed to be) pull into the worst looking carnival I’ve ever seen. It’s so bad you wouldn’t feel annoyed at being there, just super depressed and lonely. Or as I call it: a typical Thursday.
  • No kids, apparently this is creepy and not some kind of wonderful dream world.
  • Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr make a cameo just before a Twin Peaks reference. Placing this film exactly in the early 90’s.
  • “I can relax you with these two fingers” oh? “I’ll puncture your heart” oh 😦
  • Carlos tries to unfold a map and all he says is “the map says we’re fucked”. Which it did, literally, someone had scrawled “you’re fucked” on it in blood. They showed this before he made the comment though, which kind of messes up the humour somewhat.
  • A teacher is teaching the history of Freddy in an abandoned classroom. Not a bad scene but it could have been so much better. The character is kind of a joke at this point so going more meta wouldn’t have harmed it.
  • “I will get some sleep then I’ll get us out of here in the morning”. He’s going to die.
  • Almost on cue: Freddy appears in his dream and cleans out his deaf ear. He then cuts it off, leading to another scene of silence. This is the last time they can pull this trick off really.
  • Slight audio now but it’s very muted, like watching the film whilst you’ve got your head in a bucket of water.
  • It may have seemed like I was insulting it earlier, but the use of silence and near-silence is REALLY effective in this. Great showcase of how less can be more. We’re so used to audio cues to tell us how to feel that genuine silence unsettles us as an audience.
  • Freddy throws his ear back to him, he puts it on and all audio is magnified to him, to the point where a dripping tap causes pain.
  • Freddy drops a pin from above but Carlos managed to catch it before it hits the ground. Freddy then threatens to drop a handful of them, Carlos shouts out “you wouldn’t do this would you?”, appealing to a child killers sense of kindness. Which I can’t imagine not working. Pretty genius, this kids going to live forever.
  • Time of death: 36 minutes. Well I’m shocked that plan didn’t work. Instead he’s killed via nails down chalkboard, which is the same way….ah, I can’t be bothered to finish that joke, it’s like the third time I’ve done it in this blog, just finish that sentence with whatever celebrity you feel would die like that (I recommend 1947 Academy Award winner Loretta Young)
  • Hey it’s Johnny Depp cracking eggs on tv in one of my favourite scenes so far. He’s doing one of those “this is your brain on drugs” PSA that were popular in the 90’s. Freddy reacts in the only way someone would, and hits him with a frying pan before saying “what are you on? Looks like a frying pan and some eggs to me”. Classic Krueger.
  • We then get the classical hymn, In The Garden Of Eden by I.Ron Butterfly
  • Time of death: 45 minutes. Spencer gets sucked into a video game and killed there. Mr.Forgetful and Tracy attempt to get into the dreams to stop it. Tracy through meditation, Mr. Forgetful through being hit in the head. Disappointing lack of video game references here. At least to specific games, there is a logical reference to the ill-fated power glove which I’d have been disappointed if they didn’t make. They don’t even seem to be doing much about the loss of control. Okay, there’s a few moments where he’s obviously being controlled by Freddy, but we don’t see them from his point of view so we don’t get to feel his helplessness. I mean, the idea of being controlled by someone else and being led to your death is genuinely terrifying but this film doesn’t really do much. The scene where the tv fills with blood is quite good though.
  • Time of death: 50 Minutes The amnesiac asshole dies. Basically dropped from a great height onto spikes after finding out he’s not Freddy’s son, and is somehow disappointed with that news. The death isn’t on youtube so instead enjoy dancing from the second film that I forgot to put in the blog.
  • So one of the characters from this is Freddy’s daughter. In one of the most asinine explanations ever he’s able to kill people on any street named Elm Street.
  • A really creepy father/daughter sexual assault scene. Ends the way that things like that should end, with her beating him with a kettle.
  • The secret weapon they’re going to use to defeat Freddy: 3D glasses. Seriously, the old green and red ones. 3D Glasses, the enemy of dream demons and fashion.
  • That’s the trouble with 3D films. No matter how impressive they’d look in 3D, you have to account for the fact that a lot of people will be watching them in 2D. That’s why Coraline works so well I think, and everything Pixar does. 3D works best when it makes the film better when you watch it, not by making it worse in 2D. Too many 3D films now just feature people falling down things going “wooaaaaaaah”.
  • Freddy is being taunted by his school peers in flashback of his life. Ordinarily this is where the film is like “see, the true evils of bullying”, but he just killed a classroom pet with a hammer, so the lesson seems to be “don’t bully sociopaths, kill them instead”.
  • We see Freddy again, this time being beaten by his stepdad. Again, horrible, but….he did kill something with a hammer. His stepdad is Alice Cooper by the way.
  • Freddy strangles his wife. Just to reiterate: actual body count: 3. Flashback body count: 2, and a pet.
  • Freddy gets offered the chance to be, well, Freddy, by some kind of weird floating tadpole things which you know were made entirely to look impressive in 3D.
  • Freddy dies again. His daughter stabs him with his own glove (the only glove based death in the film) then shoves a pibebomb in his chest. Thus we get the worst bit of 3D in the film as he explodes but his head flies towards the screen, then his head comes out of his mouth and flies towards the screen again.
  • We get a montage of the much better films that predated this.

Definitely the worst one so far. Some wonderfully directed bits so can’t really fault that, I feel part of it is down to the nonsensical 3D. It’s a shame as there were at least four ways it came close to being a lot better:

  1. The original script by Peter Jackson (in retrospect not using his must have cost them loads) involved Freddy being severely weakened and the kids of elm street beating the shit out of him every night. I feel that’s a unique start and could have revitalised the franchise.
  2. The carnival. Nobody died at the carnival. All that creepiness for nothing.
  3. The idea of Freddy having a kid who’s worried about taking on his legacy could have been really interesting and said a lot about whether evil is genetic or not.
  4. The idea that the town has no children in and all the parents desperately want kids but can’t in case Freddy comes back. FANTASTIC idea for a film. Terrible idea for a nightmare on elm street film, but fantastic idea.