Pre-Casting: Spiderman (as an actual John Hughes movie)

So today’s the day. The UK release date of one of the most joyful and fun films of the summer; Spider-man Homecoming. As reviewed here you can tell we love it, so we needed to do something for this. So we decided on this; pre-casting. Much like (i.e. almost exactly the same as) our recasting series only taking place entirely in the past. In this case, it will be if it was made in the mid-to-late 80’s. Yes, we’re turning it into a literal John Hughes movie. Notes before we start; we’re ignoring hindsight for this, if someone was awful in the 80’s but suddenly gained magnificent acting ability in the 90’s, we can’t use them, it’s based entirely on them in the 80’s, future potential means nothing in this.

Peter Parker – Andrew McCarthy. 

rs_500x289-170330120425-500-andrew-mccarthy-pretty-in-pink-033017

This is probably the hardest super-hero to cast, ever. Most superheroes you just need an actor who can do one of the following:

  1. Occasionally look dark and brooding.
  2. Be muscular and cool.

Spider-man is the opposite of that, darkness in that character is like a rabbit in the zoo, it just doesn’t belong and if you try to tell me otherwise I will beat you around the head with your “Welcome To The Rabbit Enclosure” sign. I don’t want to say he needs vulnerabilities as that makes it sound like you need him to be able to cry, but you need to cast someone who ideally you can never imagine being a superhero. That’s part of the character’s charm is that he’s truly leading a double life. Bruce Wayne still has an identity and a life worth living outside of Batman, you take away Spider-man from Peter Parker and he’d be destroyed as a person. You also need someone who not only CAN deliver a cheeky one-liner in middle of a fight scene but also make it seem like they’re the kind of person who would DEFINITELY do that if given the chance. Andrew McCarthy is one of the brat pack actors that people seem to have forgotten about for some reason, which is unfair as he was tremendously talented (still is, only has moved into directing with Orange Is The New Black). He’s someone who can play a wise-ass, but not an ultra-confident bullying one. As such I think he’d be perfect for this.

Mary Jane Watson – Molly Ringwald

molly-ringwald-1

Some of these justifications will be longer than others. This one is simple; She’s Molly Fucking Ringwald and everybody is a little bit in love with her, if you’re not, you’re lying to yourself, and to me.

Anthony Michael Hall – Green Goblin

Anthony-Michael-Hall-The-Breakfast-Club

I always thought he had a hidden darkness to him, like his characters are just one insult away from snapping and trying to destroy the world. So thought he’d be great as Green Goblin, thinking specifically of how the character was portrayed by James Franco in the movies. Somebody who feels underappreciated and overshadowed by his friend. Someone who would definitely describe himself as a “nice guy” whilst he plies women with alcohol so he can sleep with them. Someone who’s villainry is not only justified to himself, but he also sees it as the only logical thing to do.

Sandman – Emilio Estevez

emilioestevez.png

Cheating with the ages a bit here, but it’s an 80’s comic book movie, authenticity to the source material was never exactly top of the list. In this he’s a football player who got injured when he was a background character in a Spider-Man fight scene and so harbours a grudge against him. He follows him around to gather dirt on him and ends up in a freak accident where he becomes Sandman. Never really considers that Peter Parker is Spider-man as he’s so far different in terms of social status that he doesn’t acknowledge him. You need an arrogant dick with a ruthless stare for this, so Estevez.

Aunt May – Mai Zetterling

Maizetterling

Finally, someone who wasn’t in the breakfast club. The trouble with casting Aunt May in things like this is it can be easy to forget her toughness and determination. You need someone who seems like the kind of grandparent who treats their grandkids really well, but who is feared by her own children. Odd thing about this casting is it would have been her first film in over 20 years, and last time she was seen she looked a bit different, she was one of the original sex symbols in cinema, so to see her go from that to kindly Aunt May would be an odd transition, and would definitely help ticket sales even if only out of curiosity.

tumblr_mznofc4xxJ1sndqkto1_400

Flash Thompson – Rob Lowe

7c4c873e3570220c2c58dae4dae4e908--rob-lowe-young-rob-lowe-s

Obviously. Although this is dependent on one thing; Flash Thompson’s character being merged with Sandman is a definite possibility in this so would need to be differentiated enough. I think only way to do this would be in their interactions with the characters, Flash is the tormenter of Peter Parker, whilst Sandman is tormenter of Spider-man, play enough off the similarities between the two and it could end up being pretty intriguing.

 

So, that’s it for today. Where did we go right? Where did we go wrong? And why did we not cast John Cusack?

A Nightmare A Day: Day 8 (Freddy Vs. Jason)

Director: Ronny Yu (Bride Of Chucky, Bride With White Hair, The 51st State

Budget: $30million

US Box Office: $114.9million

  • Unskippable adverts on the DVD. This company REALLY wants me to hate their films don’t they?
  • I now refuse to watch Underworld on principle. On the principle that it looks awful.
  • As does Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the Michael Bay version, which is odd as I didn’t think chainsaws could explode)
  • Random fact: at one point Peter Jackson was on board to direct this. Nothing against Ronny Yu but that’s the second time a studio has turned down a chance to let Peter Jackson do a Nightmare On Elm Street film. Idiots.
  • Should point out: I won’t be counting the deaths in this one for two reasons
    1. There’s too many
    2. Not all of them are Freddy’s so would be wrong to compare body counts
  • Opening scenes show Freddy pre-death.
  • In a really disturbing scene, Freddy kills a small girl, then licks a photo of her.
  • Freddy origin story. I usually abhor this kind of thing, but it makes sense here as it was a while since the last Freddy film, and plus the Friday The 13th crowd might not know much.
  • Really good shot of Freddy’s eyes.
  • Yay, flashbacks to the earlier films. First death shown: the human puppet death. Evidently it’s not just my favourite one.
  • Also explains why there haven’t been any new films in a while.
  • “being dead is okay, but being forgotten, now that’s a bitch” Oddly poignant line there.
  • Montage of Freddy being bitch slapped by everyone.
  • Boobs! *sigh* Not needed. Could have been achieved through just shooting from the neck up and leaving it to imagination.
  • She puts a jacket on, but evidently the power of fanservice means one of the breasts attempts to escape and just hangs there outside her jacket as she runs. So disappointing. Horror films do know there’s a difference between “scared stiff” and “scared whilst stiff” right?
  • “you know what your gift is? No matter what they do to you, you cannot die” erm thanks, I got you a gift voucher, I feel our gifts are slightly uneven.
  • “make them remember what fear tastes like!” Chocolate covered gherkins?
  • Main character is called Lori, and her boyfriend disappeared, I bet that won’t come up later.
  • Hey it’s the member of Destiny’s Child who isn’t Beyonce or the other one.
  • “i only smoke when i drink” “but you always drink” “well that’s what I’ll work on next” Will admit, that made me chuckle.
  • “don’t be a total cocksmith” is that like a blacksmith, but with penis’s?
  • “i like the flow of your place, got good feng shui”, I hope this guy dies, slowly and painfully.
  • “babe, don’t make me ask you twice” All of you just die.
  • FFS more pointless boobs. This one’s even more annoying as the actress had a no-nudity clause in her contract so they had to hire a body double. See, the fact that no-nudity clauses exist are why their needs to be a greater representation of female film-makers. And the fact that directors pressure women into breaking that clause is why there these women need crossbows .
  • Hey, the guy died. Good.
  • So just saying “freddy” is enough to somehow make people who aren’t aware of Freddy Krueger scared of him. It could have been any Freddy: Mercury, Adu etc. That would be a much weirder film, people being haunted and killed by an American soccer player.
  • Lori dreams of walking past a set of posters of missing children, who turn to face her as she walks past. Proper video-game style scare. On that note: I was going to blog about Eternal Darkness today, and why that film is fantastic. I won’t now though as we’ll be having a special blog written by a guest contributor that will be very cool and we hope you enjoy. Oh, also in the dream there’s a girl with gouged out eyeballs who tells her more about Freddy and his love for little girls. I love gouged out eyes in horror, such a visceral image.
  • And now the feng shui guy is dead (I think, all white frat boys look the same to me). Hacked by a machete after waking up and seeing his dad’s head fall off. I hate when that happens.
  • Hey, there’s a mental institution with a guy in it with same name as Lori’s ex who disappeared randomly. What a crazy coincidence.
  • Hey, it’s young not-John Cusack (no, not Miles Teller, the other one).
  • “you had to sleep at a police station, I’d have had nightmares too” of course you would, you’re black, you’d get knocked the f*ck out.
  • Hey, the institution guy is her ex. Who saw that happening?
  • And luckily the guy not-Beyonce tried to hook her up with is now dead, so no moral questions of whether they’re still in a relationship or not. Lucky!
  • Oh, side note: Lori’s ex is called Will and is played by John Ritter’s son. So close to awesome.
  • “this fucker’s going to spread like the plague, kid’s are going to be falling asleep” Fairly certain that’s normal.
  • Jason appears at a rave and doesn’t dance. If this were CinemaSins they’d be a ding right there. Of course, if this was CinemaSins we’d have a bigger audience so….
  • He grabs a weird metal pipe, kind of like I do when I play Condemned. If he spends the next hour picking up dead birds this film is gonna suuuuuuuck.
  • Not John Cusack delivers a “Reason You Suck” speech to not-Beyonce. She deserved it.
  • “let’s go shake our ass on the dance floor”, says the only black character, yay stereotypes.
  • A raver basically rapes one of the characters. Some people would disagree but for me, she’s passed out, he tries to fuck her, that’s rape.
  • He dies. Good.
  • So does she, not so good. But she was kind of annoying, that’s bad too.
  • Jason steals Freddy’s kills. Come-on man, don’t be a shock-blocker (lame I know, but not many synonyms for kill rhyme with block, if he killed him with a kitchen appliance I could have said wok-block).
  • That reminds me: if a serial killer kills another serial killer does it work like conkers so he gains all his kills?
  • Jason appears in a cornfield and is heckled by two stoners. Because obviously if you see a serial killer (and in this universe Jason is real so you’d have to assume they know him) carrying a machete, you mock him.
  • Jason kills someone with a neck massage. Then goes to kill the fat stoner who attempts to run away.
  • Fat guy dies, this is why cardio is important, kids.
  • The guy spits blood at the screen when he dies. Fantastic shot.
  • Random fact: there was originally going to be a scene which showed that Freddy had raped Jason’s mother, thereby giving Jason motivation to go after Freddy. This was then changed to Freddy molesting Jason when he was a kid. This was then dropped for being “too dark”. I’d have dropped it for being kinda stupid and contrived, “too dark” is a stupid reason considering the amount of deaths in this.
  • Hey, it’s Titus’s brother. In a photo, and yet is one of the only actors I recognise in this film without having to look them up.
  • Freddy sets someone on fire, telepathically, then throws them across the room and writes a message in his back using burn marks. Personally, when I want to get a message across, I use e-mail, but I suppose he’s stuck in his ways.
  • A stoner, who’s totally not based on Jason Mewes
  • “freddy died by fire, jason by water, how can we use that?” I dunno, find someone died from air?
  • “not a virgin, even if you pay for it it still counts”
  • I think I’ve figured out the problems with these films. Too many dream fake outs. Moments where you think it’s reality but it turns out to be a dream. It pulls that trick far far too often.
  • Crushed to death by door. There must be a joke there but I’m simply not seeing it.
  • Not-jay follows a bong-smoking giant worm.
  • Jason accidentally sticks his machete in a computer console, electrocuting himself and a cop who’s name I can’t remember but he looks like he’s called “Jesse”.
  • Side note: how often do you think Jason has to sharpen his machete? Just a random deleted scene where we saw him hunched over a knife sharpner. And what does he do if it breaks? Can’t imagine there’s many places that would fix it. “Oh that, it’s just cranberry sauce, I was chopping up cranberries, why didn’t I use a normal knife? Erm, *hacks to death*”
  • Stoner gets hacked to death at the waist in a scene reminiscent of using the bastard sword from ED.
  • Jason chops of Freddy’s arms, I would make an “don’t worry about him, he’s ‘armless” joke but Freddy’s arms grow back and he makes the “wanker” hand gesture. And my room for jokes is “never be less funny than the thing you’re making jokes about”. That’s why I don’t make jokes about [insert public figure that you, dear reader, do not personally like]
  • Change of colour scheme there from red to green. Is weird as always associated red with Freddy, so it’s odd that the power struggle shift where Jason becomes weak is signified by the colour no longer being red. I’d have thought it would be the other way around.
  • I haven’t seen any Friday the 13th films so I may be wrong: but Jason isn’t afraid of water is he? So why is he here? The villain in the first film wasn’t Jason, he didn’t appear until the very end where he came out the water and killed someone. So if he was scared of water his first appearance wouldn’t work. Freddy works in dreams and has infinite powers there, you didn’t need to give Jason a weakness to make it an even fight.
  • Finally, over an hour in and we get the Jason origin story. Basically, he was bald and kids bullied him, put a bag over his head and throw in the river. Kids are awful people. Surely that goes beyond a prank is more, erm, what’s the word, homicide?
  • “what do you want me to, give him mouth to mouth?” dude, it’s not gay if it saves a life.
  • “Kia, he has asthma!” Worst dramatic line ever.
  • Beautifully lit scene where Freddy jumps out the water. One downside is the lighting makes him look like Darth Maul, or that weird thing from Insidious.
  • “always had a thing for the whores in this house” Dude, I know you’re a psychopathic child killer/rapist, but is there any need the misogyny? Freddy’s not a gentleman, he has a hat yet he never doths it.
  • Freddy says “bitch” far too often. It’s making me uncomfortable.
  • Generic rock music, track 4.
  • “it’s just a scratch” says a dying person. Sadly, not a monty python reference
  • Slow pan down to blood pouring from him to make it clear he’s dead, as if we didn’t know already.
  • Again with the calling women bitch?
  • “how sweet, dark meat” That’s racist!
  • “what kind of faggot runs around in a christmas sweater?” Kelly Rowland there being massively homophobic. Important note: it’s not the script being homophobic, she improvised that, it’s all on her. The writers detested it, because they’re halfway decent people. I bet if the writers were in Destiny’s Child then Beyonce wouldn’t have left. Basically what I’m saying is, Kelly Rowland is directly responsible for me having to google Beyonce songs to try to think of a joke to end this bit on, thereby making my google search history that little bit more embarrassing, and I couldn’t even think of one. F*ck you Kelly Rowland.
  • Kelly Roland gets hit with a machete and somehow defies the laws of physics by not being cut, but by flying into a tree. If she survives I’m going to kill her.
  • Several close ups as something heavy hits a wall. Not so much “chekovs gun” as “check out this really obvious thing that’s going to happen”.
  • Freddy has lost his hat, now he looks more like a pizza than ever.
  • Lori there carrying flames like the olympic torch. Oddly apt considering how many deaths and evictions the olympics have caused.
  • Stuff happens, massive fight scene that goes on far too long and doesn’t feature any creative set pieces.
  • Jason comes out the water carrying Freddy’s head. I guess that’s that settled then.
  • Oh wait, Freddy winks at the audience. He’s still alive. I guess this whole endeavour was as pointless as the anatomy of a Ken doll.

Overall: not bad, but really weird when compared to the rest. From the increased death count, the language and the nudity, the whole thing makes it seem like it’s aimed at teenage males to go “wooo” at. It tries so hard to be mature that it ends up coming off as downright childish. It is very well directed though, has some truly beautiful shots, it’s just a shame the script is lacking.

The issue with these “vs” films is you can’t end them. You can’t show one defeating the other fully as it says the other franchise is weaker, so kills it right there. So you have to go with the fake out ending like they do here. It might have worked better as a video game, where you control one of the two and need to outlast/outkill the other. They’re DLC in Mortal Kombat, so we’ve got that I suppose