Musings On Marvel: Day 11 (Avengers: Age Of Ultron)

Director: Joss Whedon (writer of Toy Story and uncredited co-writer on Twister)

Budget: $250million

Box Office: $1.4billion

  • Why did you need to find the Loki Pokey stick? Wasn’t it at the top of the Avengers tower at the end of the Avengers movie? Was it stolen at some point in the Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D series? And if so, f*ck that noise. Don’t make me hours of a TV show necessary viewing for a movie that’s already way too long.
  • “lasting a little long, boys” Yeah I’ve had that problem before.
  • “Fire on the weak ones” See, this is why you don’t have weak ones.
  • “send in the Iron Legion” Why not start with that? That way you don’t have to even be there.
  • Wait, didn’t he promise to destroy all the suits at the end of Iron Man 3?
  • Do the people here understand English? Surely that’s a logical flaw Tony Stark would have fixed?
  • “I want to poke it with something”. That’s exactly how I deal with almost every problem.
  • “yay” Is Tony Stark now a fifteen year old girl? I mean, what kind of self respecting person says “yay”? Note: I don’t count, I don’t respect myself.
  • See, this annoys the hell out of me. That shot of the broken shield was used in the trailer. It created intrigue. I was waiting, wondering how that happened, wondering what force could create that. And then I found out: dream sequence, didn’t happen, doesn’t matter. F*ck you film industry. It’s one of the most annoying things about film trailers and I’d love to see it stopped, that, and ruining cameos. There was no reason to showcase that Spider-Man is in Civil War. Close to that: people in the trailer who are only in a handful of scenes. Such as Hugh Grant in Man From U.N.C.L.E.
  • “no pepper? no jane?” Yeah, we couldn’t afford for them to come to this party.
  • “Jane’s better” normally I would really disagree with you, but the other person is Gwyneth Paltrow so it’s more like “please, please, they’re both terrible people”
  • Wait, you’re a celebrity funded by a multi million dollar agency. How do you not have enough money?
  • “this was not meant for mortal men” But you are mortal! Your mother died just a few movies ago, and you think your brother died. You should be aware of mortality by now.
  • “he’s also a huge dork, chicks dig that”. As someone who is almost the court jester of dorks I can confirm this is most definitely not true.
  • “on the world’s leading authority on waiting too long”, no. You slept for most of that, does not count.
  • If I was Thor I’d totally leave the hammer on the toilet seat so people couldn’t pee.
  • Tony Stark makes a joke about raping the women of Asgard. Comedy!
  • So Captain is “slightly” worthy?
  • Ultron waited until all the other party guests left before attacking.
  • An evil robot in a Marvel movie? Wow, never seen that before.
  • The film isn’t perfect, but James Spaders performance is pretty close.
  • So Ultron went on the internet and now hates the world? I see he’s seen the Daily Mail comments section then.
  • “he’s taken the Loki Pokey stick and now we have to find it, again”. Even the movie knows it’s repeating itself.
  • “it was built in the centre of the city so everyone could be equally close”. That’s not true, as in, that wouldn’t work. Unless there’s only one line of houses in a perfect circle then there’s going to be people living closer. I mean, draw a perfect circle on the floor, mark the centre, now stand two meters away, now have someone else stand one meter away from the centre. Are you both the same distance from the middle? No, you’re not. Lee: making fun of movies via math. Usually I only comfort people with mathematics, and that’s only during certain circumstances.
  • “our parents go in”, wait, your dad is Magneto. So does Magneto die really early on in this universe? Harsh.
  • “Cuttlefish: deep sea fish, they make lights” no they don’t. You’re describing an anglerfish.
  • Just realised they’re in Wakanda, shouldn’t Black Panther be there?
  • Movie spend the time providing a backstory to Black Widow when surely she should have had her own movie do that for her?
  • Wait, was that Clara Oswald? For one shot.
  • So Black Widow fantasises in cinematic low angle shots?
  • Why isn’t the hulkbuster suit the default suit?
  • I assume there was a deleted scene here which explains why Thor is just f’ing off. How do these films manage to be both too long, and have so many things missing?
  • “they have a graduation ceremony where they sterilise you” Apparently Greenwich Uni has the same procedure.
  • Wait, did they take the only strong female character in this thing and make her tragic backstory tie into childbirth? Damnit. And if you don’t see why this is problematic: imagine if Captain America’s main backstory was that the serum turned him sterile, and that was his biggest issue. See how weird that would be? But they had to make the only female character the only one who has a backstory that involves childbirth.
  • “everytime someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die”. As opposed to normal wars where absolutely no innocent people die.
  • “guy’s multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit”. I never noticed that line before.
  • Why did Ultron shoot the road, not the person?
  • “how do you want me to take it”. Obvious sex joke is obvious.
  • “without the homicidal glitch that he thinks are his winning personality” oh but without that I have nothing.
  • Why is he keeping Black Widow alive? It’s not to lure the Avengers there, as they kind of already have reason to find him and attack him.
  • Hey it’s a naked Paul Bettany, that’s never been done before.
  • Wait, where did he get the cape from?
  • Paul Bettany delivers what is essentially a shakespeare monologue in a film that doesn’t really deserve it.
  • Ok, that bit where Vision picked up the hammer was pretty awesome.
  • Quicksilver uses Adidas.
  • It’s a shame Quicksilver was done better in X-Men Days Of Future past otherwise that bit would have been awesome.
  • It’s a shame we’ve seen Magneto lift a stadium up in X-Men Days Of Past otherwise that bi….god damnit.
  • This plan doesn’t really work, that mass dropping wouldn’t have same impact as a meteor of the same size. The reason meteors cause so much damage is because they have high levels of speed because they’ve dropped such a great height. This land mass isn’t being raised high enough to gather enough speed.
  • Other point: if this city is being raised to 18,000 feet, shouldn’t that change the temperature? Should be below zero surely.
  • “you get killed” he says, as the camera focuses on the only main character to die.
  • Wait, can Captain now call his shield to him with telepathy?
  • Yeah, good job Captain America and Thor, saving those two people when you could be saving a lot more.
  • “Thor, you’re bothering me”. He bothers me too.
  • Hadouken!
  • Hawkeye wastes valuable time making stupid jokes. Funny stupid jokes that were adlibbed on set but still.
  • “Where else am I going to get a view like this?” A mountain, a plane, riding Iron Man?
  • “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” His mother’s probably been dead for like a century, not cool!
  • “show em what we’ve got” Yeah, that’s right, show that army you’ve got one guy in a suit. They’ll be shitting themselves.
  • “if you get through this, I’ll hold your own”. Well, they both survived, so I assume that scene will be in Civil War.
  • Villain tries to say a funny line and gets hit by Hulk. Just like in the first movie.
  • Finally a major hero dies.
  • Well, I say “major”, he had like 20 minutes of screen time, if that.
  • So things that aren’t worthy can’t keep the hammer aloft? There was a moment in the last Thor movie where the hammer was put on a coat hook, was the coat hook worthy?
  • Holy crap that film felt long.
  • Oh wait, it was long.
  • Thanos decides to retrieve the stones himself. You know if he did this earlier, these films would’ve been other before Thor. Ah, we live in hope.

Musings On Marvel: Day Thor

Director: Kenneth Branagh (Henry V, As You Like It)

Budget: $150million

Box Office: $449million

  • This is one of two I was looking forward to the least. (The other was Thor 2)
  • Giant weird lightning tornado, yup, driving into it seems like a smart thing to do.
  • “Where did he come from?” where did he go? Where did he come from, cotton eye joe.
  • Wait, that battle only occurred in the 900’s, yet we have no record of it? We have records of the Roman Empire, Genghis Khan, and Madonna’s birth certificate,  all of which are from before then. It’s not as though we were all walking around shovelling faecal matter into our faces until the 1500’s. This is one of MANY reasons I hated After Earth. That film showed a bunch of massive evolutionary changes that apparently happened within a 1000 years. Seriously, America? I know you have trouble with evolution and that but still. Oh, and don’t be like “stop being anti-America and hating for no reason, thinking we’re stupid”, you have a lot of schools that don’t teach evolution, and it took forever for a film about Charles Darwin to get released over there because, for some reason, evolution is still a controversial subject over there. You have too many politicians who are, to put it kindly, f*cking morons. And yes, I know this isn’t the best time to be discussing this, but I’d much rather suffer the wrath and ire of creationists than pay this piece of shit film any more attention than it deserves.
  • Wow, they must have the best future technology, they don’t even need to build their houses out of bricks they just use CGI.
  • “When I’m King”, Thor there, pretty much quoting the kids TV show Horrid Henry there.
  • Shut up, I have a niece, so I have to watch kids tv sometimes. Even if it’s awful, very very awful.
  • What time does the lead from this film wake up? Thor thirty.
  • “its power has no equal”, except Captain America’s Shield.
  • “do you swear” fuck yes I do.
  • “But you’re not King!” all that was missing from that was “neh neh neh neh”
  • I like how Loki steals that scene despite not saying a single word just by pulling a “Jim from The Office” face.
  • “What’s this?” What’s this? There’s something in the air.
  • This film has Idris Elba and Anthony Hopkins. This film doesn’t deserve them.
  • “you’re nothing but a boy trying to prove himself a man” ok that’s a pretty good line.
  • Ouch, that looks painful, gonna be thor in the morning.
  • Wait, so Thor flew through a big guy, tearing a hole in them, and yet didn’t get any blood on him?
  • Apparently a lot of Anthony Hopkins dialogue in this scene was improvised by him. More reason why Anthony Hopkins is awesome.
  • How does the hammer decide who is worthy? Hammers are notoriously bad decision makers. Plus it could be a nazi and we end up with it going back in time to get picked up by Hitler. Can you imagine Hitler with Thors Hammer?
  • Note to self: write a story about various historical assholes getting superpowers. SpiderStalin, The Incredible Cromwell, The Iron Lady.
  • The lead from this film is awful at birthday present, but it’s the Thor’t that counts.
  • So it’s taken half an hour for us to get to the beginning? Yay.
  • “we can tell you’re hammered”. HAH! Get it, because his weapon of choice is a hammer. That’s sooooooo fucking funny and not at all “comic relief dialogue which just seems a bit stupid really, and is better suited to online commenters and bloggers than actually being a line in the script which expects us to take this seriously”.
  • “she hit him with her car” “yeah but she tasered him” “yes I did”. Why are the police not questioning these two? At the very least you’ve got dangerous driving, then assault with a weapon.
  • Guy tries to pick up giant hammer that’s encased in a big rock and then looks confused when he can’t pick it up.
  • This towns name translates to “ancient bridge”. Either it’s a massive coincidence that this is where the bridge turns out. Or the people who named it somehow knew about the Asgardians and the war they fought on another continent of which there’s no documentation that survives today.
  • People are queuing up to attempt to lift up a hammer? This town seems boring as shit.
  • Wait, did Laufey never realise his child was missing? Okay it was hinted that he knew, but surely he would have told everyone else, you know, during the battle. “oh, and that guy there, that’s my son” and cause dissension and fighting among the ranks of the soldiers of Asgard. Plus wouldn’t this revelation have made sense earlier? Or at least in flashback, as it provides Loki’s motivation after he’s already turned heel.
  • “How can you eat an entire box of pop tarts and still be hungry?” I manage it, and I’m barely a Norse God, although I do have a pretty impressive hammer.
  • “you missed all the excitement down at the crater”, Yeah, people attempting to pick up a hammer, such a shame he missed that.
  • And wait, they’re referring to it as a “satellite”, nobody ever uses the phrase “hammer shaped”? Even if they don’t know it’s a hammer, they would still use that phrase when describing it.
  • This town has a furniture company called “OK furniture”, doesn’t inspire confidence in the stuff they sell.
  • What is it with people in these movies sitting on rooftops?
  • That’s waaaaaay too many puppies for a pet shop in such a tiny town.
  • More jokes about Thor using antiquated language. But here’s the problem, he’s using relatively new language compared to when they left earth. Here’s an excerpt from The Canterbury Tales: “In Flaundres whilom was a compaignye, Of yonge folk that haunteden folye”. That was written in the 1390’s, so over 200 years AFTER they left to go home. Language was very different back then and it’s next to impossible  language here and language on a different planet would evolve and change in such similar ways.
  • This government secret site has poor security.
  • Hey it’s Hawkeye, being slightly less effective than he is in future films.
  • Chris Hemsworth mudwrestling, he’s still got his shirt on thought so keep your pants on, ladies.
  • “I’m starting to root for this guy”, what, because he beat people up? Damnit Hawkeye you’re easy to win over, no wonder it was so simple for Loki to brainwash you, he probably didn’t even need to do magic he just needed to lift a heavy thing and punch a stranger in the neck.
  • Thor’s brother is very good at being invisible, in fact you could say he’s good at keeping it low-key.
  • Low-key, loki, get it?
  • Don’t worry I’m sick of these puns too. I’m nearly thirty years old and I’m sitting here making terrible puns whilst watching a film. What am I doing with my life?
  • “I come from a place where magic and science are one and the same thing”. 1) This was handled MUCH better in Artemis Fowl. Actually, Eoin Colfer writing Thor would be f*cking incredible. 2) They actually haven’t shown that much scientific advancement really. I mean, they have a few things but they’re lacking even more.
  • “Do not mistake my appetite for apathy” That’s on my coat of arms.
  • “It’s Xena, Robin Hood, and Jackie Chan”. Soooooo mildly racist.
  • I think we’re supposed to think that Loki is a bad guy here, but Idris Elba was swinging a sword at him and aiming to kill him. The fact that all Loki did was freeze him and not kill him kinda of makes him a hero, surely?
  • For something called “The Destroyer” it’s really weird that he’s only a threat for like 10 minutes of a near two hour film.
  • I wish there was more focus on Sif, there’s a definite lack of strong female characters in these films and I’d rather they focused on her and not Natalie Portman.
  • How come whenever Thor flies through the air he lands and his hair is always immaculate? He’s traveling at hundreds of miles per hour with no wind resistence, his hair would be everywhere and they’d be dead insects all over his face.
  • So Loki put the gatekeeper in ice and just left him there? He could have at least moved him, put him away in a cupboard or something.
  • Yeah the rainbow bridge looks impressive, you know what looks better? Rainbow Road
  • Thank god that’s over. Oh wait, the end credits scene.
  • Don’t people get a blue gaze in their eyes when Loki controls them? Yet he doesn’t.
  • Post-credit scene sets up Avengers movie, almost completely forgetting they still have a Captain America film to do.