Tag: Film

Abigail (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A group of would-be criminals kidnaps a 12-year-old, and don’t even do that right. Losers.

I’ve spoken before about going into some films completely blind, having not even seen a trailer. I wish I had done that for this. The more you know about Abigail, the worse it is. A lot of the film is spent with the killer in shadow, making you think the killings are being done by a hitman working for Abigails’ mob boss father. But if you’ve seen the trailer, you know that Abigail is a vampire, so you know what’s happening. To be fair, the title and the poster do that too. It’s a film called Abigail, and the poster features that character in a bloodstained dress, so even if you don’t know she’s a vampire, you do know that she is responsible for the deaths. So the whole “what is happening? It’s a secret” aspect of the opening half is wasted. I know we didn’t see a lot of Jaws in the film of the same title, but we were aware it was a shark. We didn’t spend half the time watching that film and being told it was hippo.

Once the truth is revealed, it’s a much better film. It’s still good before that, but it definitely feels like it’s holding back on you a little bit. It’s shot like a horror movie before the characters know it’s a horror movie. So the vampiric reveal doesn’t come as a shock, it comes off as “Well that’s what happens next in a horror film”. Compare this to say, From Dusk Till Dawn, which comes off as a heist movie for the first half, which means the vampiric shift comes off as a genuine shock. Here, you KNOW it’s a horror movie, so you’re expecting something similar to what happens. They could have played it off like a heist movie and it would have improved it. I’ll admit, that would have drawn comparisons to the aforementioned FDTD. But heist movies are cinematically different now than they were in the 90’s, they’re now more focused on straight lines, split-screen shots etc. So whilst it would have been similar in terms of genre shift, the styles themselves would be different, which would have lessened comparisons.

I’m overexaggerating slightly, I’ll admit. The sections before them are still pretty entertaining. That’s mainly due to the cast though. I’m a huge fan of both Kathryn Newton and Melissa Barrera, and they’re both given a lot to work with even before shit gets bloody. The characters feel real, which helps sell the believability of this universe. The core group all mesh together well, to the point where their interactions don’t feel like the script is just fleshing out doomed characters. Kevin Durand does look distractingly like an even dumber Elon Musk though.

The real highlight is Alisha Weir as the titular vampire. She is believably an ancient being, there’s no “yeah but that’s clearly just a child speaking, not a 200-year-old person who looks like one”. Her physicality helps too. Her movements (or her stunt doubles movements, I dunno) have a brutal elegance to them, so even when she’s killing someone there’s still an air of beauty and art to it. The ballerina aspect to her character allows some very unique action scenes, of her walking down a bannister with her feet in the ballerina tippy toe pose (I do know the name, it’s called En Pointe, but I’m using that in a pun later). There’s a scene where she dances with someone’s corpse that is very weird and artful, but it did make me sad as it reminded me of Bray Wyatt. The music selection is pretty en pointe (ballet pun! I told you that would come back), mostly consisting of classical music which you’d normally find in ballet performances, operas, and an advert for a Ferrari Pene Piccolo complete with steering wheel, tyres, and can go from 0-80 in 5 seconds which you’ll never manage because you’re only using it to take your kids to school 5 minutes down the road.

In summary; it is just a mindless horror film. But it’s one of the better ones. With humour, some great kills, one truly disturbing moment, and just enough heart to elevate it.

I.S.S. (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Tensions flare in the near future aboard the International Space Station when a worldwide conflict breaks out on Earth

Not really relevant to my opinion of this film; but that title is terrible. It’s an awkward mix of being too short to google effectively, but also too clunky to say out loud. It’s also incredibly bland. I suppose that sums up the film itself though; bland, unoriginal, and not something you particularly want to find.

It’s hard to say exactly WHY this doesn’t work (which doesn’t bode well for this review). It looks fantastic, zero gravity is hard to pull off on-screen without it looking too fake and like they’re just being pulled along by wires. There’s never a second here where you don’t believe they’re floating around like a lost balloon (only with less chance of having a duck choke on them). The scenes of nuclear explosions on Earth could look better though. I’m not sure what they could look like, but the way they’re done here makes them look more like a video game, specifically Civilization.

The plot itself is pretty good actually. A look at paranoia, claustrophobia, and how citizens can suddenly become pawns in a game they have no desire to play. On paper, this should be a tension-filled masterpiece. Yet it’s not. The performances are all there, the directing is good, but they just don’t seem to mesh together. Separately they’re all fantastic, but it feels like they’re all trying to make different movies, so there’s no sense of a cohesive style. It’s a political thriller directed like a science fiction action movie, starring actors who think they’re in a horror movie. Gabriella Cowperthwaite is obviously talented, but she needed to tell people “That’s a good idea, but it’s wrong for this”.

I think part of the problem is the sound. If you had your eyes shut, you wouldn’t feel the tension. There’s not really a score to help match the scenes, and it also doesn’t utilise silence effectively. You’re also not really given a chance to see how big the ISS actually is. We see it from the outside and see bits of it inside, but there’s not really much indication of how far things are from each other. It looks like the whole thing takes place in a section no bigger than an ordinary-sized flat. So it’s presented as a small area, but it never feels like they’re hemmed in too close to each other in a way that ups the tension. It also doesn’t feel big enough that you can imagine someone feeling isolated from their colleagues.

It would also be useful if we were provided more background into the world. Why are Russia and the US at war? Are other countries involved? Importantly; what is left of the world after the nuclear weapons have been launched? We know that some elements of the space agencies/military are still available, but that’s it. What makes it even more frustrating is that the characters themselves don’t seem interested in answering these questions. The reason that it’s important for each country to gain control of the space station also feels a bit weak. Spoilers; they’re fighting so one of the sides can get control of the cure for radiation sickness. I feel if it got out that one side did have that, the other side would just focus on destroying infrastructure instead, meaning you wouldn’t die of radiation sickness but would starve instead. Also, they don’t need the whole space station for that. Look at it from the Russians’ POV: You assume the Americans have received a message saying “Take over the space station”. But if you are aware of what that’s for, and also that you have the cure for radiation sickness with you, would you not just say “We’re leaving, the space station is yours”, and secretly take the research with you as you jettison back home. You don’t need the ship, you need the contents of a locker. It’s like shooting up a school so you can get your homework back.

This is a fairly decent watch, which is the worst thing. It had potential for greatness, everything about it screams out “modern classic”, but it only reaches “pretty good” at best. Seeing that wasted potential is such a disappointment, and makes me think of it as worse than it actually is.

Civil War (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: In a dystopian future America, a team of military-embedded journalists races against time to reach Washington, D.C., before rebel factions descend upon the White House.

I have watched lots of terrible films, some at home, some at the cinema. Some, I’ve slowly realised are bad as the film went on (Lucky, or ironically Alex Garland’s previous film Men), and some I knew were going to be shit from the opening moments (Wolf, Hellboy), and a few I knew would be shit before they even started but I knew I’d get a decent review out of them (Thunder Force). But no matter how bad a film is, or how torturous the experience is, I have one rule; stay until the end. There have been a few cases where I have got up IMMEDIATELY at the fade-out, but I made sure I stayed until then. Civil War is the closest I’ve ever come to walking out of a screening.

Not because it was bad, or I objected to anything in it (and in a film about an American Civil War there was potential for it to be very problematic in terms of themes), or even because I didn’t like what I was watching. It was just so unbearably brutal and bleak that I felt I needed a break, just for a few minutes so that I could compose myself and face what was unfolding. Civil War is one of those films which seems horrific and terrifying until you sit down and think about it and realise it’s actually somehow more horrific than you first thought.

That’s the point of it though. People have come out against the film for “not picking sides”. In a way, they have a point. It’s difficult to know how to feel about certain factions because you don’t know their motivations. All we know is that the president has done some awful things. But we don’t know why. The war itself isn’t given any background, and the main opposing faction is comprised of both a red and blue state, so it’s difficult to assign any political leanings to it. We do see one group who are torturing and massacring any foreigners or people they see as “un-American”, but they’re shown as being unaffiliated with any of the main rebel factions. Similarly, it mentions an “Antifa massacre”, now is this a massacre committed by anti-fascists, or one committed upon them? The film doesn’t say.

It’s easy to see why this would annoy people. They need a side that is right and wrong, and they need to feel like they’re on the right side. I don’t think it matters though. If someone is threatening to shoot you it doesn’t matter what side they’re on. Unless they’re Israeli in which case, you’re obviously Hamas and deserve to be killed, even if you’re an unarmed child laying sick in a hospital bed. The point of this movie isn’t that you’re right, or even that you’re wrong and need to change your ways. The point is; war is fucking shit. It’s not fun. It’s not glorious, it’s not inspiring. It’s fucking shit and brutal and people will be killed unnecessarily. It won’t be “driving through the city playing CCR and shooting evil-doers whilst fireworks go off”. It will be “Family members and people you love are going to be tortured and you won’t be able to stop it, so stop wishing for it to happen you fucking idiots”.

It’s a lot more effective because of how well the story is crafted. Some characters are only in one scene yet are so well defined that you can fill in the gaps and create a believable back-story for them. All cast really well too, Jesse Plemons is perfect in his small role, as are the other one-sceners. But it all hinges on the core cast: Dunst, Wagner Moura, Cailee Spaeny and Stephen McKinley Henderson. They work brilliantly together. Truth be told; Wagner Moura is given less to do than the others, but he does have some great stand-out moments, particularly at the end. Dunst is fantastic and is a reminder of why she is highly regarded in acting circles. I haven’t seen that much of Cailee Spaeny before (mainly because I never got around to watching Priscilla), but she is damn near perfect. I want to see what she does next because she is fucking phenomenal in this.

In summary; a fantastic watch. Possibly the best film I’ve seen this year. Very much not an easy watch though. The scene with the mass graves, in particular, was difficult to stomach. It is something I feel most people NEED to see though. And you should see it in theatres whilst you can before you end up seeing it in the streets.

Imaginary (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A horror story about an imaginary friend/bear. I’m not putting more detail into this than the scriptwriter did.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not perfect and I do sometimes make mistakes. My mistake here was assuming Imaginary was good and that I should see it. That’s not to say it’s terrible, it’s just incredibly mundane. A huge issue is a lack of identity. Imaginary is as confused about its identity as I am when I enter a new relationship with someone who has interests I don’t know about but I suddenly find myself being a big fan of.

It’s not a film, it’s a mix tape of other creative releases: The black-eyed fake family from Coraline is one. The Never Ever (the dream world) reminds me of Among The Sleep in terms of visuals. Then there’s the fact the villain is an interdimensional reality-bending being who’s capable of driving people mad, usually focuses on children, and whose real form looks like a giant spider, which is basically It. You don’t come out of this wanting to see it again, you come out of it wanting to see the better films it reminded you of, and It; Chapter Two.

There’s only one time where this horror tribute act works; when it hints that it happens in the same universe as Nightmare on Elm Street. That would explain a lot of things which occur, as well as help close up some holes. That, and only that, is a reference to another horror movie that actually enhances the lore that it’s trying to create.

So whilst it is basically a mix tape, it is a very well-curated one. Jeff Wadlow is a competent director, he’s less good at picking good scripts though, being responsible for three of the harshest reviewed films on this site: Truth Or Dare, Bloodshot, and Fantasy Island. Two of those were so notably bad, I liveblogged them, if you want to read my brain break, look here and here. Imaginary isn’t as bad as those, but it is nowhere near good enough to redeem it in my eyes.

Visually it’s nowhere near where it needs to be. There’s also a TERRIBLE edit. A character expresses joy that they were correct. You know, the “arms spread out, shouting out loudly” kind of joy. So she’s shouting in elation, arms spread out in euphoria, us watching it all from above. The camera then IMMEDIATELY cuts to her eye level and she’s standing normally. That’s just lazy.

He’s not helped by how dull the script is. A lot of the moments don’t land. It wastes the potential of an evil imaginary friend, to the point where there are times when that feels more like the background than the main plot. It’s not just the plot not mattering, there are specific scenes which waste so much potential. For example; there’s a section where the characters are attempting to enter the Never Ever. To open the door the characters need to feel pain. Physical pain isn’t enough so one of the characters delivers a “brutal” speech to her stepdaughter, harming her daughter for having to hear it, and herself for having to say it. That’s a genuinely good idea, but Colombo (by which I mean: there’s just one problem): It’s not brutal enough. It’s not a sentence you can imagine breaking anybody. It’s incredibly tame.

The tameness is a constant issue. The predictable heel turn from a side character leads to a motive rant about how they want to do something (I stopped paying attention, I was that bored). It seems hollow and a bit stupid. She’s then killed off-screen. So you don’t even get the catharsis of seeing a horrible character suffer.

The performers are all fine though. Pyper Braun is hella talented for someone so young, reminding me of Milly Shapiro. Taegen Burns is also pretty good, coming off as an alternate version of Sarah Hyland. DeWanda Rise is talented enough to lead a much better film than this. The other characters are severely underwritten, completely wasting some potential horror fodder, some of them are basically crying out to be killed, yet instead they just walk off and never appear again, probably having a wank, or a salad, or wanking into a salad.

Yup, that’s how I’m ending it.

Back To Black (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: The tragic tale of the life and death of Amy Winehouse.

Have to admit, I’m not that big on Amy Winehouse. I appreciate she was talented, but for whatever reason, her music never really appealed to me enough to actively choose to listen to it. So how would I get on with a film about her that seemed to treat her as the most unique and talented that has ever existed? Probably with scorn.

Luckily, Back To Black (or BTB, pronounced Baa-tob) doesn’t treat her as a God-like figure. In fact, I’d argue it goes too far in the other direction. On the upside, it means that you’re not watching a film that constantly has to defend the terrible decisions the main character makes, but on the downside, it means you’re left watching a film with a main character whom it’s kind of difficult to like. Even before the drugs, she’s an incredibly abrasive character. Now this isn’t just a “She’s a woman standing up for herself! Difficult!”. Out of the four main conflict styles (Man against man, man against society, man against nature, man against self), this is definitely against self. She constantly gets in her own way. When she’s offered a record deal? “I ain’t no fucking Spice Girl, fuck you!”. When she’s told she needs to stop drinking and punching people? “I have to live my life the way I want, fuck you!”. When they try to make her go to rehab? She says “No, no, no. And also? Fuck you!”. It’s been a while since I’ve watched something with this much disdain for its main character. It’s much more sympathetic to her father Mitch than the 2015 documentary Amy. It does include him saying she doesn’t need to go rehab, but it doesn’t include the moment where he followed her to Saint Lucia with a camera crew so he could make a documentary about her called My Daughter Amy, in which she’s clearly uncomfortable and desperate for privacy.

I feel the tabloid media gets off easier than it should too. There are a few scenes of them camping outside her house, but only in those moments. There’s a lot where it seems like she’s left alone. Like the tabloid scenes were only there to say “See, we included it” and then never referenced again. It also doesn’t touch on just how bad her addictions were at some point. We see her get in a quick punch-up, but we don’t see it affecting her live performances. Her 2007 tour is shown as a success when in actuality she was a drunken mess for a lot of those gigs, cancelling a lot of them. We also don’t see her disastrous final gig at Belgrade. It’s a shame as that could have been an incredibly emotional scene, but the film is too scared to be ugly, too preoccupied with showing us the glamour, and not enough grit.

The performances are pretty damn good though. Marisa Abela doesn’t really physically resemble Winehouse that much, although there are moments where you can see Amy in her like a magic eye picture. She carries herself like Winehouse did though, and that’s the important thing. Her voice is damn near perfect for it, especially for the singing. Jack O’Connell is fine as Blake, but we’re not shown enough of him outside of his relationship with Amy to make him seem like a full person. Eddie Marsen is, as usual, a captivating presence on screen, and you can feel the character’s despair at how his daughter is squandering her life (but not enough to suggest rehab).

In summary, it’s okay. It’s a better watch than the Bob Marley film but feels more like a concept than a completed idea, there are too many missing pieces to make it feel complete. In the jigsaw of cinema, this is missing so many narrative pieces that you can’t even finish the borders first. We don’t even get to see much about her death, no news reaction to it, no family reaction to it, no fan reaction to it. So the whole thing lacks the tragedy that would elevate it to something greater.

Seize Them! (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Queen Dagan has been toppled by a revolution led by Humble Joan. With the help of servant Shulmay, she aims to get her crown back.

I’m aware I am kind of pretentious sometimes when it comes to my film taste. But it’s a weird kind of pretentiousness, one which will talk endlessly about obscure Polish films, or how the work of Lotte Reiniger still holds up almost 100 years later. Yet, I also dislike Men (the film, not the gender, although….) and I’m not that fond of the films of Wes Anderson.

So whilst my taste may run a little weird at times, I love films that are just dumb fun. They’re not trying to change the world, or wow you, they’re just there to distract you from the Western-supported genocide occurring 2000 miles away (wait until you find out the fucked up shit I found out whilst googling that distance by the way). It’s in this sphere of silliness that Seize Them falls. It’s different from something like Bill, which had historical in-jokes and at least had the pretence that it happened in reality. There’s no effort to pretend this is real; it’s a live-action cartoon in a fictionalised version of history. This has as much in common with the Dark Ages as the Artemis Fowl movie has with the books it was (supposedly) based on.

This isn’t something you can see being quoted in an academic paper. It’s not supposed to be though. It’s just dumb jokes wrapped up in a different time. It does make the most of the concept though, there are a lot of jokes which wouldn’t work outside of this context, which is something I always like. I like when jokes are unique to a film, especially if it’s a comedy set outside of “now”. Crucially, it doesn’t have any of those “knowing” jokes. You know the kind, where someone invents a modern invention and is rubbished, or otherwise makes a reference to modern times. The kind of “It’s a communication device mixed with a telescope, we call it an Eye-Phone”. I know comedy is subjective, and different jokes for different folks. But those are the ones that come up a lot in films like this and I cannot stand them, not just in a “that joke didn’t land” way, when I see those jokes, it actively turns me against the film.

The jokes are helped by just how talented the cast is. Casual audiences are more likely to be aware of Nick Frost (from his films with Simon Pegg), Nicola Coughlan (from Derry Girls, Bridgerton, and “you won’t believe how old she is” posts on Facebook), or James Acaster (from memes about the world falling apart). It’s mainly led by Aimee Lou Wood (from Sex Education) and Lolly Adefope (from Ghosts/Taskmaster), they make a good pair, sharing natural chemistry. They spend a lot of time with experienced comedy performer Nick Frost, and they easily match him. They both nail their roles perfectly. Lou Wood turns what could be an annoying character into someone sympathetic. Kind of sympathetic anyway. The third-act conflict only really happens because of her character derailment. Also, I’m still not quite sure that with the world the way it is at the moment, a movie about how “this rich useless person who holds all the power is someone you should be sympathetic towards, the woman fighting against her and campaigning for equality is just a phoney who will end up being a dictator”, is that really a message that needs to be put into the world right now?

In summary, a hilarious movie, with oddly memorable music. Not the best film of the year, but incredibly fun. For better (the jokes, the performances) and for worse (the production values, the pacing), it does feel a bit like an extended episode of a Channel 4 sitcom. Funny as hell though. I mean, how many other films have two characters die from fatal wanking incidents? It should have had a better cinema release though, at my local it was only on once a day, and with zero promotion.

The First Omen (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Church’s be crazy, y’all

Arkasha Stevenson is one hell of a director. TFO is a spectacularly directed feature, which is even more astounding considering it’s her debut. She has a hell of a legacy to tackle, kind of. The Omen is the first horror movie I remember scaring me, but not the first I watched. In fact, I’m not even sure it was the actual film, it might have just been a parody someone did on a British comedy show (it feels very Vic Reeves), but the image of Damian knocking his mother over the balcony is chilling, and it’s not just me who thinks so. The first Omen (as in, the original 1976 movie, not the one I’m currently reviewing) is a horror classic, the sequels and the remake? Not so much. The original is full of moments which have been referenced and parodied, the third one does have a cool moment where someone blows their head off in front of a touring school group which is cool, but it otherwise hasn’t touched public consciousness in the same way. Stevenson has the chance to do something incredible but also has the pressure of attempting to match the original. Her task is made harder by two things: 1) it is a prequel. Prequels are notoriously difficult to get right, especially for horror movies as everybody knows the villain survives, so where is the tension? 2) She’s a woman. A female-directed horror movie gets judged much more harshly than a male one. Every mistake is scrutinized, any strong female characters, or villainous male ones, are “evidence of wokeness, I mean, a woman existing? Woke!”

So it’s a pleasant surprise that reviewers have actually been kind to this. After watching, it’s easy to see why. This is a surprisingly solid horror movie. Its biggest flaws are the inevitable comparisons to both the original 1976 movie, and to the recently released Immaculate. Thankfully, the comparisons to the original don’t happen too often. It does have a character from the OG Omen as a main character, but it crucially never puts THAT character in danger. It has enough characters to throw into peril to keep you second-guessing whether they survive. It does have enough twists and turns to keep you on your toes, but one of them, the most important one, is set up TOO well, to the point where experienced film watchers are likely to have guessed it before they’re told, mainly because it’s the only way certain things make sense.

The script is pretty damn good. It actually gives a reason as to why the church is supporting the rise of Satan. Crucially, a lot of the scares aren’t just jump scares, some truly grotesque and Cronenbergian images will linger like a Cranberries song, but not as enjoyable. The childbirth scene, in particular, is horrific and is a scene that could only be done by a female director. Stevenson’s talent lies in having a female lead in a horror movie, but not making her seem like a victim, or sexualising any of the horror. When Nell Tiger Free’s Margaret is writhing around, lesser directors would have filmed it in such a way that it would resemble low-budget porn, in this it’s clear that Margaret is SUFFERING. That’s not just the directing though, Nell Tiger Free is one hell of a performer. She’s surrounded by experienced performers; Ralph Ineson, Bill Nighy etc, but Nell is the best of the lot.

I mentioned earlier that there aren’t many jump scares, but the best scare I can remember IS of the jumping variety. It’s such a simple one too, her saying “It’s not real” repeatedly, then a disembodied voice cutting in with “what’s not real?”. It’s a rare jump scare, of the almost entirely audio variety. But it’s so damn unexpected and chilling that it will fuck you up a little bit. It’s probably my favourite scare since the Eternal Darkness Bathtub scene. It could be better, it settles back down too quickly, but not quickly enough for it to be shocking. It doesn’t have enough time to really settle before it’s moved on. It’s still phenomenal but not quite perfect.

In summary, I highly recommend this. It’s not incredible, but it’s a lot better than it could be. It’s artful and confident, and I’m excited to see what Stevenson can do when she’s not shackled by the constraints of franchise rules. The “It’s all for you” moment in particular feels like it would be a much better scene without that reference. The weakest part of the movie is the most obvious allusion to what happens next; the ending where it’s revealed the child has been given to Robert Thorn and named Damian. It’s supposed to be a dramatic ending, but it’s a bit pointless. We know the child has been given to Thorn, and everybody in the audience knows what happens next. His being called Damien isn’t important. Nobody was sitting there thinking “Wait, is that baby the kid from the first movie?”. It’s not as though the film was going to end with the reveal that this is ANOTHER demon child that was given to the Thorn family after killing their child and doing a swap.

Also, the use/updating of Ave Satani doesn’t really work, which is a shame as that’s in my top five horror movie themes.

Immaculate (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A naive nun joins a remote convent in Italy, discovering they’re harbouring a dark secret.

I have three horror reviews to write this week: this, Late Night With The Devil, and The First Omen. I was going to review Late Night With The Devil (LNWTD, pronounced La-new-ted) first, it’s the most critically acclaimed of the three, and I have the strongest opinions regarding it. But after seeing seeing Immaculate I have to do this first. Not because my feelings towards it are particularly strong, or because I have anything important to say. I’m just not sure how I can put this and The First Omen reviews next to each other, I haven’t seen TFO (Tee-foe) yet, but there is a definite worry that they will be treading similar grounds, and I don’t want to repeat myself. Plus, if I think of any jokes after posting this, I can just use them in the TFO review. The upside of repetition in cinema.

Now onto Immaculate itself. It’s received a lot of praise, particularly for Sydney Sweeney’s performance. I’m not entirely sure I agree. The final third, she is superb, a cinematic slice of delicious cheesecake. But for most of it? She appears kind of bored. Like I said, the final third where she has the hardest stuff to do, she’s great at. But the standard conversations with others? Doesn’t feel real, with one exception. Her interactions with Sister Gwen (played by Benetta Porcaroli) are incredibly sweet and I wish I could see more of them. Sadly, Gwen is killed relatively early on. Her body is discovered in the closing section and this is filmed like it’s supposed to be a surprise. Not entirely sure it is though. The last time we saw her she was being tortured, and then she didn’t appear again for (in film time) about 6 months, obviously she’s dead. It would be a bigger shock if she wasn’t.

There is a distinct lack of surprise in Immaculate. You can pretty much plot what’s going to happen based on the synopsis, all the twists and turns are more like slight veers to the left to the left. Sorry, went a bit Beyonce there. The final third is batshit insane and I am all for it, but the lead there just isn’t that exciting. The people you expect to be shits turnout to be shits, turns out there is a massive conspiracy where the church is impregnating young nuns without their knowledge. Which is a bit stupid when you think about it, there must be millions of women who would willingly consent to that, so going after unwilling ones just seems like you’re setting yourself up to be the villain. I kind of wish that the blood they used for the procedure turned out to not be from Christ at all. There’s not a single moment where there’s any doubt that that is his blood. That’s a lot of faith. Biblical relics are not that well preserved and catalogued. There are 21 churches which claim to have the foreskin of Jesus, and that means at least 20 of them are wrong or lying unless he had 21 penises (which I think they would have mentioned in the book, but it would have meant they’d have to change the title from The Bible to The 21 Dicked Man, which won’t sell as well). So the odds that they would have the correct artifact are quite low. I do like that the film discusses how their methods are more likely to create the antichrist (and it’s implied that is what happens). But the scene where they discuss that does have someone say “If this is not the will of God, why does he not stop us?” and this is treated (even by TVTropes) as a “gotcha”. So if God allows something, this means he supports it? I think the residents of Germany in the late 1930s would have a few fucking things to say about that. As would the residents of cities hit by tsunamis and earthquakes, and people who had to watch Madame Web.

As I said, the final third is superb, and it has one of the strongest closing scenes I’ve seen since Knives Out. It’s a slow slog to get there, but it is overall worth it. This won’t end up being my favourite film of the year, not even close, but it is one I will tell people to watch if they are fans of the genre. It’s very low on jump scares, relying more on tension and atmosphere. It’s directly brilliantly (with some pretty good music choices), and I’m glad to see the horror is mostly from humanity rather than demons (which usually results in scares which are just “thing jumps at the screen but it turns out to not be real”). I do want to see a sweet friendship-based road trip dramedy starring Sydney Sweeney and Benetta Procaroli though, they bounce off each other very well and it would be a shame to waste that chemistry.

Mothers’ Instinct (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Housewives Alice and Celine are best friends and neighbours who seem to have it all. However, when a tragic accident shatters the harmony of their lives, guilt, suspicion and paranoia begin to unravel their sisterly bond

Anne Hathaway is quite good, isn’t she? I know that it might come as a shock that a multiple award-winning actress is quite good at this whole “acting” thing, but it must be said. She’s a big part of why Mothers’ Instinct works. She plays Celine as somebody of whom you’re never quite sure of her intentions. She is either a cold-hearted manipulative woman who is trying to gaslight Alice into madness and steal her family, or she’s just a grieving mother who is doing her best to cope with an unimaginable loss? It’s not so much that flits between the two depending on the scene, it’s that at all times she could conceivably be any one of them. I’d be interested in watching it twice again, each time focusing on assuming a different thing.

Actually, that’s a lie, I’m not interested in watching this again. As good as this Mothers’ Instinct is (and it is finely crafted), nothing about it really warrants a second watch. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but like a lot of films based around a mystery or possible misunderstanding, once you realise the truth, is there much left to it?

As I said, this was directed by Benoît Delhomme. Obviously not the first time the name “Benoit” has been associated with dead children. Delhomme has a history in cinematography, with this being his directorial debut. He does a really good job. There are some very interesting shot choices, his use of angles to suggest uncertainty is brilliant. It’s a really basic trick, but he utilises it perfectly.

Unlike a lot of thrillers/horrors, the majority of this movie takes place during the day. Lit by natural sunlight, small lamps, and of course, a lot of gaslighting. The original film Duelles took the modern setting of the original book (Derrière la haine) and changed the setting to the ’60s. That time change has been kept in this English language version, and it suits the themes perfectly. There are so many moments that wouldn’t be as effective if it was set in a modern age. It would still work, but it hits more when every character is repressed by the time period they are living in. You don’t need to ask why they’re not doing certain things, because “they’re women in the 60s, and that’s just not done” is there. I listen to a podcast called How To Survive, which deals with how to survive (hey, that’s where they get the title) in certain films, usually horror. I highly doubt they are going to cover this, but if they did, then I imagine it would just come down to a single word: therapy. It’s mentioned that Alice has had issues with mental health in the past, to the point of being briefly institutionalised, but never being allowed to talk about it. Celine is clearly going through some shit and NEEDS someone to talk to. But since her friends are abandoning her because everybody finds it too awkward. At one point, she is flat-out told “You shouldn’t be here, your presence is making everyone sad”. The characters are clearly all broken, which fuels their paranoia and decisions. So in a way, there is no good, there is no evil, and the real villain is trauma. But in another, more accurate way, the villain is the person who killed a bunch of people.

I still can’t figure out why I didn’t love this movie. It had a good story, great performances, and it was very well made. But it never quite warmed its way into my heart. It’s technically brilliant, but colder than a British summer before global warming. It’s a bit like its own main characters; constantly unsure of itself, constantly figuring itself out whilst it waits to find its footing. It’s a very easy film to be impressed by, a very easy film to praise, but it’s a very difficult film to be excited about. That’s its main problem.

2023 Film Awards Day Four: The Everything

On By troubledproductionsIn AwardsLeave a comment

Most Surprising

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish
I expected this to be quite banal. Probably because my memories of the Shrek franchise have been tainted by how bad the sequels were, and the glut of poor imitations consisting of animated characters making pop culture references that date very quickly. So it’s a surprise that this was actually pretty damn decent. It had an actual plot, a genuinely disturbing villain, and a whistled tune which easily rivals the one from The Hunger Games. Not many kids’ films would dare do something based around the inevitability of death, and I doubt many would be able to do it as well as was done here.
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret
I am fully aware that I am not the target audience for a film like this. And not just because I’m English and the Judy Blume books aren’t really a thing over here. There is a trend for cynical films lately, and if they decided to go that route then it would lead to somewhere terrible; Doncaster, or disaster, probably disaster. Cynicism would ruin this, I was won over by just how utterly charming it is, and if it was aimed at a more cynical audience you would have lost the warmth that makes it unique. I went in expecting to have to add a caveat to a positive review. You know, something like “It’s good for what it is”. But it’s not just good for what it is, it’s just good.
The Creator
This is a case of a film you watch, and then you’re surprised afterwards. You remember the incredible action scenes, the magical special effects, and how it perfectly blended CGI with real footage. You then remember it was done on a minuscule budget, and your head explodes. I can only assume Edwards made a deal with the devil to get this looking as good as it does. That’s the most logical explanation.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
This could have gotten away with being a bit shit and it still would have had an audience, the Michael Bay feels have proven that. Also, this is aimed at kids, so it could have just been loud noises and stupid characters, the success of Minions has proven that. What it didn’t need to be was quite as weird as it is. It didn’t need to be as original as this was or try to do as much as it does. It would have been so easy for the studio to just do a low-effort piece of shit, keep everything the same, and watch the money. They take real risks with this, the big one being not having the iconic villains from the show in. No Krang or Shredder, they’ve been held off for the inevitable sequel, and I can’t wait.
Barbie
This was in the works for a while. One of the first writers attached to it was Jenny Banks, who has written for Sex And The City and the short-lived sitcom (very short, six episodes) Leap Of Faith, as well as the screenplay for What A Girl Wants. I feel that indicates what kind of film the studio wanted. Something light, fluffy, and kind of disposable. Many years later, after a change of producers, writers, and studio, we have this; one of the most successful films of all time, and it REALLY earns it. The script is razor sharp, with one of the best monologues I’ve ever seen. By the time the trailer came out, people could likely have seen what the final product would be, but when it was announced? Not a damn chance.

Winner

Wonka
Before seeing this, I had seen the trailer multiple times, so I had an idea of what to expect. But I still had a concern that it could end up terrible. Chalamet looked like completely the wrong casting choice, and I was worried that would tank the film. Thankfully, the supporting characters and the INCREDIBLE script mean that when Chalamet isn’t a 9/10, it’s not too bad. Yes, it would have been better if Chalamet wasn’t quite as flat when it comes to singing if he didn’t have the air of someone trying too hard, and if he wasn’t played as basically an idiot. But even with that, the fact that the film itself suffers from the problem of Chalamet, and manages to still be UTTERLY FANTASTIC, says a lot.

Most Disappointing

The Pale Blue Eye
It’s a murder mystery film with Edgar Allen Poe, starring Christian Bale, Timothy Spall, and Toby Jones. It should be incredible. At the very least, it should be memorable. Yet this is nothing. It doesn’t play up the Poe side, he could be replaced by a fictional person and it wouldn’t change the story at all. The mystery isn’t that compelling, and it’s too dull to care about. It’s a shame as the concept is original and you could have had a lot of fun with it by creating something unique and terrifying. Instead, it’s just bland.
65
To quote my original review: “Adam Driver fighting dinosaurs should not be as dull as this”. It would be hard to think of how they could have fumbled this more than they actually did. It makes so many mistakes and misses more shots than I do in a penalty shootout. There’s a spacecraft crash early on, one which kills almost every person on board. We’re not introduced to these people in a meaningful way. So when they all die, and I know this sounds harsh, but we don’t care. It seems like such a basic mistake to make, the film had an opportunity to add emotional meaning, yet didn’t. It seems like a low-budget movie at times, like they cut down on cast to minimise costs etc. Yet its budget was £45million, and I’m not sure how.
A Kind Of Kidnapping
Again (or, as I’ll say later, depending on the order I place these), my interest in this was based on being a huge fan of a sitcom written by the creator. This time, it was How Not Live Your Life, which is a real out-of-nowhere piece of greatness. The trailer made me laugh, and got me thinking this would a sharp and hilarious piece of satire. It’s not, it’s satire which doesn’t really have much to say. Beyond “politicians are shit” it has nothing. Watch the trailer, that’s the whole film. There’s no other twists to further the story (Well there is one mid-plot decision made by two of the characters, but it feels kind of ugly and only exists to get a third-act conflict).
Dumb Money
I was really looking forward to this. I thoroughly enjoyed The Big Short and was hoping this would be similar. It’s not. For one thing, it doesn’t explain things to those who don’t know financing and stock market terms like “shorting”, which makes it almost impenetrable for people who don’t know about it already. The editing feels amateur and like it was made for watching in short bursts on TikTok. There’s a really interesting story somewhere in among the muck, but it’s not being told here.
It’s A Wonderful Knife
I like genre mash-ups, especially when it comes to horror movies. It’s why I love Freaky, Happy Death Day, and Totally Killer. But this? It’s kind of dull. It doesn’t make the most of its premise, probably because it puts the main character in more of a passive role, and attempts to explain how it happened using logic that doesn’t really work. Probably not the worst horror film of the year, but definitely the one with the most wasted potential.
Assassin Club
Sometimes action movies surprise you. Usually by either a unique concept, or being incredibly well-made. This at least gives a unique concept. But completely messes up the execution. Every decision it makes in terms of narrative is the wrong one. I may not have expected something on the same level as John Wick or Polite Society, but I expected something that’s at the very least competent, and it couldn’t even reach that.

Winner

Your Place Or Mine
Yeah, this one’s on me. I wanted to watch this purely because of the writer. Aline Brosh McKenna helped write one of my favourite sitcoms of all time. Despite what my somewhat misanthropic nature would make you think, I’m actually genuinely a huge fan of romantic comedies, mainly because they’re a good showcase for writers. You really get to feel how creative a screenwriter is when they can do something where everybody knows the ending, and do it well enough that you enjoy watching it. So I went in expecting a new favourite romcom, instead, I got something that is at best serviceable. It’s probably not helped by the narrative device meaning that we don’t see the two leads physically interact that much.
This can sometimes work, but I’ve only seen it be exceptional once; in the supremely underappreciated TV show Love Soup. This isn’t Love Soup, at best, it’s “I Like You As A Friend” Toast

I Don’t Get It

Asteroid City (RT Score: 75%)
It’s possible I just don’t like Wes Anderson’s style. It feels too fake, there’s nothing for me to cling to. I also find them a bit pretentious. I know some people love them, but they leave me emotionally cold. The only exceptions so far are Fantastic Mr. Fox and Isle Of Dogs. People watch them and they see beautiful visuals and quirky characters, all I see are a bunch of characters speaking unnaturally and lacking individual personalities. Felt the same about French Dispatch.
Dream Scenario (RT Score: 92%)
This is annoying as I wanted to enjoy this. To the point where I even went to a preview showing of it. It’s a great concept, but it’s incredibly unfocused. Is it attacking cancel culture? Memes? The capitalist desire to exploit wonder for adverts? It attempts to talk about all of them and ends up not discussing any of them. I love weird things (probably because I am a weird thing), and Nicholas Cage is entertaining as hell. It looks good and has some really good supporting performances. It’s just, how can I put this in a way that makes sense? The only way I can describe it is like this: it’s like when you’re English and watching an American sitcom and you hear jokes about certain basketball players or shops, you sit there like “I’m sure I’d appreciate that if I got the reference”. 
Dumb Money (RT Score: 84%)
It’s possible I’d like this more if I hadn’t watched The Big Short, but since I have, comparisons between the two are inevitable, and there’s not a single area in which this is preferable. It is a shame, as on its own it’s a 5/10, but in a universe where a better version exists; it’s knocked down severely. Everything in it has been done better, and recently. Even the song choices.
Ferrari (RT Score: 72%)
I just didn’t give a shit about the main character. So when things started going well, I was displeased. I didn’t want him to be happy, I didn’t want him to win. I was actively rooting against him.
Pearl (RT Score: 93%)
Similar to the Asteroid City one, this might just be that I don’t like the directors’ style. Outside of the style, I felt it didn’t have a lot for me to be interested in. The visuals and performances were great, no doubt about that. But I didn’t vibe with the script.

Winner

Thanksgiving (RT Score: 84%)
My feelings about this can basically be summed up as: Too Bleak, Stopped Caring. I didn’t care about these people, and the world they were living in didn’t inspire any need to care.

Well I Liked It

Next Goal Wins (RT Score: 45%)
This isn’t an essential watch, but it is very good. It’s not going to change the world, but I’m not sure it’s supposed to. It’s supposed to just entertain you, and tell a really unique story. It’s also very sweet, with genuine heart. I’m not sure what else audiences were expecting.
The Creator (RT Score: 67%)
That score genuinely baffles me. I’d have thought critics would love this. It’s one of the best-made films I’ve ever seen. Yes, it lacks some personality, but it’s beautiful and stunning. John David Washington gives a great performance. Has a fantastic opening, and says a lot about humanity.

Winner

The Marvels (RT Score: 62%)
Is this the best Marvel film? No, but it is an utter delight. I think part of the low score might be because people are generally tired of the MCU at this point. On it’s own merits, it’s a fun and entertaining watch. Despite what the scores say, there is no way this is a worse film than Black Widow. It’s funnier, has a better story, better dialogue, better performances. The only thing Black Widow has over The Marvels is more skintight costumes. Oh, yeah I just figured out the discrepancy.

Most “Me”

Bottoms
Violent, sexual, and with a personal political point to make. Spoilers, but this isn’t going to end up winning the best film award here, but it is the one I’ve told the most people about. This is all very me, and unlike a lot of films I describe like that, this also has a mass appeal. This pleases me, because it means that despite me not being the target market for it, it does make me feel like there’s a place for me in this world.
Scrapper
A remarkable film and hopefully leads to great things for Lola Campbell and Charlotte Regan. I hope they work together again, but I’m sure even if they don’t then they’re going to do something incredible. They’ve already done something very good. It’s incredibly funny, and the dialogue makes me jealous that I didn’t write it.

Winner

Totally Killer
At this point, even I’ve realised that it’s kind of odd that so many of the films in this category have female leads. Maybe the suspicions people have about me are true. I should probably speak to someone about that. Anyway, back to the point. Totally Killer is essentially Back To The Future as a horror movie. That concept alone is very me, but the execution is damn near perfect. Subversive, smart, and damn entertaining.

Worst Movie

Nominees: Everything here

Winner

Assassin Club
Some of these awards are difficult. So I’m very happy that films like Assassin Club make it easy. Within ten minutes I realised this was a lock for worst film. Not just of the year, but one of the worst I’ve ever seen. It’s diabolical. Nothing about it works. I know opinions are subjective, but if someone I know said they enjoyed this film, I would judge them.

Best Movie

Nominees: Everything here

Winner

Past Lives
This was the most difficult one. For most of the year, Missing was the winner for this. But the more I thought about it the more I graduated towards Past Lives. Missing was great, a fantastic script and amazing performances. But Past Lives was magical. It’s the cinematic equivalent of floating through something ethereal. Even months after I watched it I still occasionally get moments where I flash back to that floating feeling I got watching it.