Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: How Furiosa became, well, became Furiosa.

Mad Max: Fury Road (MM: FR, pronounced Mumfour) was a phenomenally well-made piece of cinema, so you couldn’t help but feel slightly worried with the announcement of Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (F: AMMS, pronounced Famms). A lot was working for it though, George Miller directing so it’s not as though it was handed off to someone who couldn’t handle it. Plus it wasn’t written as a cash grab, it was supposed to be filmed back-to-back with Fury Road. The cast seemed pretty solid too; Anya Taylor-Joy is always great, and the trailers made it look like Chris Hemsworth was having a lot of fun.

All of that is a long way of saying that if you enjoyed MM: FR then you’ll enjoy F: AMMS. It’s not quite as busy as Fury Road was, which I prefer. Furiosa actually gives you time to breathe so what happens is allowed to have an impact on you. It also has a much more varied visual colour palette to work from. There is a heavier focus on CGI in this one though, to its detriment. It’s not constant, but there are a few moments where some things just look “off”, and unlike MM: FR it doesn’t have as many exciting action scenes to fall back on. There are still some very good action scenes, but there’s nothing you can count as a “highlight”.

That’s my biggest issue with it. Despite how good it is, despite its noble origins, it still comes off as the cinematic equivalent of DLC for a video game. It never seems to become its own movie; instead, it is content to remind you of things from a better movie. Outside of curiosity, it’s difficult to see what the purpose of this was. If it was released earlier it wouldn’t be as big an issue, but after this long, it feels a bit like it is just a stopgap to tide you over until they release a sequel that will never come.

I’m being overly harsh I know. This is a brilliantly made film, and it’s very rarely boring. The performances are great, it’s an interesting story, and it’s a lot of fun. But, I dunno, I guess, it’s just a 7.8/10 and I want a 9. I think people do need to watch it though, it’s definitely worth your time

Alien: Romulus (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A group of disillusioned colonists get set for one big job to earn enough money for their freedom from the corporation that essentially owns them. As you can guess from the title, they meet a Xenomorph.

I managed to catch Covenant at the cinema during its theatrical release, and I wasn’t too impressed by it. Part of me wondered whether that was because I hadn’t seen any of the others. However, just through cultural osmosis, I recognised certain bits of it as paying homage to the original, making it seem like a greatest hits package, albeit one rerecorded by a different line-up because the lead singer fired everybody and didn’t want to pay them royalties so replaced them all with session musicians. By which I mean, I recognised the narrative and visual melodies, but they weren’t as sharp and exciting as I knew they had originally been.

Now, onto Romulus. Romulus VERY heavily leans into the original, taking place between that and Aliens, as well as featuring dialogue that explicitly references the original, just oddly delivered. The Xenomorph in Romulus is the same creature from the original, and there is an android that physically resembles Ash (the android, not the result of fire, or the Pokemon animal torturer). Now I have actually seen the first two films in the franchise, so am more able to spot more subtle references, it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to dislike Romulus as much as I did Covenant. Especially since it was written/directed by Fede Alvarez and co-written by Rodo Sayagues, the team responsible for the “you’ve kind of made a rapist sympathetic” horror movie Don’t Breathe (which I heavily disliked) and its “So you’ve made the rapist the hero now?” sequel Don’t Breathe 2, (which I utterly despised).

I didn’t. I, well I don’t want to say “enjoy”, as it was tense as hell and disturbing, but I was thoroughly “oooo”‘d, and a little bit “aaaaaa”‘d. There are some truly fantastic set pieces in this, full of creativity and intelligence. The use of the acidic blood in some of the scenes is superb, with my personal highlight being when the characters make a zero gravity journey through a corridor whilst the acidic blood floats around them. Some amazing scenes make the best use of gravity mechanics available to the characters. It felt like Alvarez and Sayagues looked at the toys they had to work with in terms of the technology and location developed earlier in the franchise, and then thought of scenes that would make the best use of them.

I haven’t felt this tense (at the cinema at least) since Civil War, which also starred Cailee Spaeny. The Alien franchise has many flaws, but one thing it’s always EXCELLED at has been casting perfect female leads. Noomi Rapace, Katherine Waterston, Weaver etc are all critically acclaimed performers, and I know that Spaeny will get there. She received some acclaim for her role in Priscilla, but that’s not enough. She was incredible in Civil War, to the point where in my review (link here) I specifically pointed out her performance, saying (and I quote):

she is damn near perfect. I want to see what she does next because she is fucking phenomenal in this

I didn’t quite expect her next performance to be this good. It’s genuinely difficult to figure out which of her performances is better. I dunno, maybe her next film will be shit. I’ll just see what she’s in next. *checks*. Knives Out 3. Oh damn, she’s in line for a perfect three-film run.

Romulus isn’t all perfect, some of the fanservice is a little bit too obvious, the final third drags a little bit, and some of the CGI feels a little weird. Those are very nitpicking criticisms though. Overall it’s incredible. There’s so much to like about it. David Jonsson (last seen here in Rye Lane) as a defective droid is great, with the character providing so much tension and humanity throughout, especially with a few of the narrative reveals (essentially the trolly problem) adding some background to humanity’s relationship with androids. The other characters are fine, but aren’t really explored enough, they don’t need to be though. Not everybody is a main character, so it’s fine if some characters are less developed than others.

The location is also a highlight. Much like the other entries in the franchise, there’s a kind of future-retro feel to everything. There’s a lot of future technology, but all the computers etc have all clearly seen better days. It would be much like having a film in 2010 featuring VHS players, but the film itself being released in the 1950’s.

Overall, I loved this movie. It’s cruel, atmospheric, and downright terrifying in parts, absolutely perfect for cinema.

Re-Recording Disney Music.

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I was browsing the book of Face the other day. In between the adverts for businesses in other countries, transphobic memes that have been “suggested for you”, and pages “we think you’d like” that are just hateful shit, I saw a Bowling For Soup post that said they had recorded a cover of Friend Like Me for a new Disney covers album. Now I love that shit, I love covers, I love pop punk, so a whole album full of that is my jam. On the downside, it is Disney and there is a concern that by buying that album I agreed to donate my organs to Disney before I die. Also, some of the choices are weird, would it not have made more sense for a woman to cover Surface Pressure instead of someone who wrote a song about a woman he met at a party and never saw again? So, much like we’ve already done for Bleed American and Black Parade, it’s time to speak about the better options. The only rule is; no Bowling For Soup, otherwise it would be them doing it all. Oh, and try to keep it to one song from each film (a rule which meant I couldn’t have NoFX doing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, which is good because then I would have had to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and I’m not completely sure I can spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious correctly).

Rainbow Connection (Link to the original song here) – Ben Folds with Regina Spektor

This one is tricky, Weezer already did a pretty damn good cover of this (featuring guest vocals from Hayley Williams). You need something simple but also majestic. A musician that wouldn’t be out of place with just them and a keyboard/piano/ukulele/electric triangle, but who would also suit a full orchestral/vocal backing for the closing stretch. With that in mind, Regina Spektor was my first choice. As I was looking for a song to post to back up that opinion I dug up the song she made with Ben Folds, after that, I couldn’t unhear the version this could be. Starting off slow, just Ben Folds alone on a piano, an echo on the vocals so it sounds like he’s singing in an empty room, then when you get to the final verse, the strings kick in, as does Regina Spektor’s vocals. It would be emotional, powerful, and so damn perfect. There is a worry that it would come off as being too similar to the aforementioned Weezer cover, but I feel Folds and Spektor are different enough that it will have enough differences.

The case for the defence: Us – Regina Spektor. A great showcase for Spektor’s powerful voice which will help the closing section work.

Brick – Ben Folds Five. To show how bleak and depressing Ben Folds can be at times.

The Bed Song – Amanda Palmer. This is the kind of effect I want for the solo Ben Folds parts. That feeling of musical isolation and emptiness.

The Bare Necessities (link to the original song here) – Less Than Jake

Now this is tricky, mainly because the best cover already exists, no, not the John Goodman and Haley Joel Osment, it’s the Bowling For Soup one. How are you going to get something to match that level of joy and fun? Simple, the same thing you do with your Sims relationships when you have the new Romance update; make it super horny. A horn section makes everything better, even funerals. If they can find a way to merge it into I Wanna Be Like You then even better.

The Case For The Defence: Gainesville Rock City – Less Than Jake

We Bare Bears – Skatune Network. Proof that ska makes everything better

When You Wish Upon A Star (link to the original song here) – Puddles Pity Party

I knew I had to have this song on this album, and I knew I couldn’t fuck about with it. I couldn’t change it too much, I had to instead just enhance what was already there. The deep voice, the resonance, the performance. As has so often been the case in life; I turned towards a depressed clown. Puddles in particular. If you’re English and watch live TV, you have heard one of his cover versions, you just don’t know it. His cover of All The Small Things was used in a Christmas advert last year, I can’t remember which one because all Christmas adverts are the same, they’re essentially “Emotion! Feelings!” with no focus on the actual product or shop. I believe he could pull this off, and it would be fucking magnificent. This is the only one where I actually had to check the artist I chose hadn’t already done it.

The case for the defence: All The Small Things. That level of showmanship and old school brilliance is whats needed to make this work.

Stressed Out The song that made me fall in love with this artist

Be Our Guest (Link to the original song here) – Marina And The Diamonds

For this, I had one goal: strange time signatures mixed with a kooky danceability. Essentially, I needed it to sound like it was made by an art student. Sadly, Do Me Bad Things wouldn’t work as it would be too messy. I needed something relatively simple but effective. For this I’m thinking of it lacking strings in the background, it will be all synth-pop gloriousness.

The case for the defence; Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land A demonstration of the kind of synth dance feel I’m going far.

Oh No! Her most popular song, and the one which demonstrates the drumbeat backing I’ll be looking for.

Feed The Birds (Link to the original song here) – Meryl Streep

A weird choice, I know. Streep is generally known more as an actor than a singer (and a pretty good one too, in case the CONSTANT awards didn’t give that away) but she has sung in a few roles before. You may assume I heard Streep sing in Mamma Mia, but that would mean I had to watch that film, and that’s too much effort. Instead, I’m going with this based on her song from the VERY New York murder mystery show Only Murders In The Building. I feel she’d do a good job with this. Plus both Streep and Andrews have worked with Anne Hathaway, which doesn’t mean anything but like Marge Simpson with a potato, I just found that neat.

The case for the defence: Look For The Light. I kind of think I should put Ashley Park somewhere on this album but not sure where.

A Whole New World (Link to the original song here) – Brendon Urie with Sara Bareilles.

Based on the last song, I was going to put Ashley Park here, I was looking for some of her songs to put in the defence and some of her stuff with Girls5Eva from the TV show of the same name. As good as she is, I feel Sara Bareilles is the musical star, and it would be weird to overlook her. I knew I was going to have Panic guy as the lead though as I needed something bombastic and theatrical. On the actual album that inspired this blog, it’s being sung by Yellowcard, which might work, but I have a worry it will be flat. The version I’ve chosen here I think will soar and be as majestic as it deserves. Plus, no matter what, it’s going to be better than the fucking Jordan one.

Case for the defence: Into The Unknown – Panic At The Disco. They clearly have no objection to doing a Disney song, and this demonstrates how full-blown I want it to be.

Gravity – Sara Bareilles. The millennial equivalent of that Sarah Mclachlan song that makes everybody cry.

Part Of Your World (Link to the original song here) – Chrissy Costanza

This was unexpected. I asked someone for suggestions for a female vocalist for the previous song and someone suggested this artist, although it turns out they meant We Are The In Crowd, but I’m glad they introduced me to this band. I’m glad she suggested it though as it solved I problem I had. I was concerned this album wasn’t upbeat enough. I had emotion, I had theatrics, but I haven’t had much fun yet. I needed more pop punk, and this was perfect. Whilst also being melodic enough to not be a huge departure.

The case for the defence: Part Of Your World – New Found Glory. The kind of thing I’m aiming for, it will be similar to this version but different enough to stand out.

If Looks Could Kill – Chrissy Costanza The song that introduced me to this band

This Is Halloween (Link to the original song here) – Qveen Herby

Continuing with the upbeat theme, this time more hip hop/r&b based. The background beats for this will be HEAVY and slow. I feel Herby could do something weird with this where you know it’s different but you can’t quite figure out what she’s changed about it. I’m not sure what way she’d go with it, whether she would quicken the pace, slow it down, or change nothing. But I’m excited to see it.

The case for the defence: Barbie Girl. For if she does a more straight cover

Sade In The 90’s. For if she decided to go a bit more sensual and laid back

Surface Pressure (Link to the original song here) – K.Flay

This was probably the hardest one (and Can You Feel The Love Tonight which can clearly only be covered by Queen, and as such can’t be included). The version on the actual album is going to be done by Plain White T’s, them of the “I met a girl once at a party and wrote a song about her, no I’m not creepy why do you ask?” and I haven’t heard it yet but I’m assuming it’s going to “rock” (make a note of the deliberately small r) which is a weird choice. I knew it had to be performed by a female vocalist, that part was non-negotiable for me, but which vocalist? Part of me wanted to lean into the emotion, much like the Amanda Palmer cover does, maybe by going with Kesha in full Bob Dylan cover mode. But if a depressing slow ethereal cover already exists, will I be doing more of the same by having that version? A small part of me also wanted to lean into the flamenco aspects and have Bitter Ruin do a version, but I feel that would mean either wasting the brilliant guitar playing of Ben Richards or having that overshadow the vocals. I needed to do something noticeably different. I decided to lean into the slight hip-hop aspect of it, and pick a white girl from Illinois. This will work though, she creates good beats which will replace the instrumentation of the original, and can manage to do both fast vocal delivery and then heavy emotion. It might not be as good as the original, but it will be strong enough to justify its existence.

The case for the defence: Self Esteem. Where she changes a cover version AND showcases emotion, both will be vital.

Blood In The Cut. To showcase her beat creation

Four Letter Words. To demonstrate that she does have a sense of playfulness and speed.

Borderlands (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A group of people aren’t friends, but have to work together to do something to save others. Yeah, original.

I love watching films, I’d just like to point that out (just in case the almost 500 reviews on this site didn’t make that clear). But I’m not one of those people who hunt down trailers of everything and absorb information about everything that’s coming out. My at-home trailer use mainly consists of films I already know I’m interested in/curious about. The way I find myself watching NEW trailers is generally at the cinema itself. So I distinctly remember the first time I watched this trailer (I believe it was one of the trailers before Frozen Empire), I turned towards my cousin and said “Well someone’s watched Guardians Of The Galaxy”. The whole thing looked like a mockbuster GOTG directed by some music video guy on a budget of $11.50 and a tin of chopped tomatoes, starring the editor’s best friends cousin’s wife, only it was directed by Eli Roth and had a budget of around $120million, starring scream queen (and star of Scream Queen) Jamie Lee Curtis, five-time winner of “ohhhhh, her, I like her” award Cate Blanchett (whose crown has now been taken by Olivia Colman), and the person who stole the “I’m gonna fuck that Peach” award from Timothee Chalamet, Jack Black.

Maybe that was just the marketing, maybe the film itself will actually be surprisingly good. I mean, it’s directed by a competent director and has a very talented cast. So there’s always a possibility it will actually be really good. But is it? To answer that question I’ll show you a sentence I sent to someone after I left the cinema that day:

“Watched Borderlands and the new Alien movie today. The new Alien is very good”

That sums it up. Borderlands is not just bad compared to Alien (spoilers for that review), it’s a bad film. For a storyteller as creative and visionary as Eli Roth, Borderlands is a shockingly cliche piece of work. It follows the standard “ragtag group of misfits go in search of a MacGuffin” plot that has already been seen in both GOTG and DAD: HAT. It has gone through ten different scriptwriters in its development, and usually, that causes a film to be inconsistent and a tonal mess. Thankfully that’s not the case here, it keeps a pretty even tone and level of quality throughout; it’s just a shame that level of quality is complete shit. I’m not going to go into the “Blanchett is 52 but the character in the game is 22, and the character Kevin Hart plays is taller” etc. Those are valid concerns and criticisms for fans of the game, but I’ve never played the games so they didn’t affect my enjoyment of it at all. In fact, the cast is one of the few things Borderlands has going for it (and there are some subtle visual storytelling touches which are really good), everything else sucks.

It’s not terrible in a “nobody is trying” way, people are trying, they’re just making terrible decisions. The chief one is the violence, there’s not any. Borderlands NEEDS blood, this film is crying out for it. I’m guessing it’s so it can get a 12A rating instead of a 15, and thus appeal to more people. It’s clear that the studio wanted Borderlands aimed at the mass market, which was a mistake. Not only because of the lack of violence but also because it seems to assume the audience is full of idiots. That’s clear from the opening, which features far too much narration, and holds your hand more than a nervous mother teaching her child to cross the road. It doesn’t trust you to work something out for yourself. Such is its dedication to “No questions! No wonder!” I’m surprised that every character isn’t introduced with a fact sheet saying where you’re likely to know each actor from. The most egregious demonstration of this is when the film tells us that Lilith is from Pandora. Now, how do you think this film did it?

  1. “I haven’t been there in a long time”, and leave the meaning hanging in the air.
  2. Have another character tell them “I need you for this job, I know you were born there”
  3. When she arrives on the planet, have her say something along the lines of “This planet is shit, I should know, I was born here”.

Take a guess. I’ll wait. Have you guessed? Congratulations! You’re correct. I’m not saying that because I guessed that you picked the one most likely, I’m saying that because whichever one you picked you are correct since it does all three. They aren’t even spread out, all three of them take place within a few minutes. So it’s not even “we’re recapping this in case you went to the toilet”. There are other issues with the writing; primarily the amount of moments which make no sense.

The best example; everybody in the group is wanted by the police, so how do they disguise themselves? With a hologram mask. One of the characters has bright red hair, one talks like Kevin Hart, one is giant and muscled, one is a one-of-a-kind robot, and another has bunny ears. With all those visual and audio clues, I don’t think “slight covering of the face” is going to do much good to hide your face. If you saw Superman walking around in full costume but wearing a Lucha Libre wrestling mask, I’m pretty sure you’d still recognise it’s him by the giant fucking S on his chest. Same issue here. That’s not an issue for long as the masks are never used again once the characters pass that level scene. Fuck it, I hid it there but I’m going to flat-out say it here now; there’s zero cohesion between different scenes, as such they all come off as a series of levels rather than one continual narrative. As a result, it sometimes feels like we’re not watching a movie, but instead seeing a 2-hour “highlights” package from a 13-hour videogame. That’s why there are random things which aren’t explained at all, why certain characters’ relationships with each other seem to be based not on emotion or truth, but on the amount of time left in the film, and why it makes bafflingly random time skips at a level not seen since Fant4stic.

It’s nowhere near as bad as Madame Web was, but that’s damning it with faint praise. As I said, the performances from the leads are fine, Ariana Greenblatt in particular is a ball of chaotic energy. There are some nice ideas at play here, and the visuals are pretty nice to look at. But otherwise? When the universe collapses in on itself and completely destroys existence, the resulting void of infinite nothingness will still have more stars than this deserves out of 5. Harsh? Yes, but it deserves it.

Thelma (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Thelma loses $10,000 to a con artist, she is not very happy about this.

June Squibb is pretty damn cool. She’s best known to me for her role in the (criminally under-appreciated) Table 19, which is still near the top of my list for confusion at the negative reviews. She’s also been utilized in a lot of recent Pixar movies, recently voicing Nostalgia in Inside Out 2: Inside Harder. Yes, she was also in Father Figures but I can’t hold that against her. Thelma is her first chance to lead, and at the age of 94, it’s (as the great philosopher Lizzo once said) about damn time. The only disappointing part about June’s performance is if it was bad I would have had the perfect opportunity to make a “damp Squibb” joke, and now I can’t, stupid actresses ruining my jokes by being talented.

The script does help Thelma too. In the wrong hands it would risk coming off as condescending, or alternatively going too far the other way and having a message of “no, 94-year-old women can still parachute out of a burning helicopter whilst smoking meth, and if you try to stop them then you’re a terrible person”. It also doesn’t attempt to do an “old people swearing/rapping/sex references=comedy” thing, which is a relief. The title character feels real, and her interactions with her grandson (played by Fred Hechinger) are so lovely that I want to watch a road movie featuring the two of them. The two actors share surprisingly good chemistry, there is no sense of distance between them and the warmth radiates off the screen. Not so much with the two parent characters, but they’re not as fleshed out as the main two so that’s to be expected.

Anybody who has spoken to me for more than twenty seconds will know that I’m quite a moody and cynical person. So in many ways, a film like Thelma is the opposite of what it’s expected I’d like. But in another, more accurate, way, this is the exact type of shit I love. Sometimes it’s nice to have “Hey, stop being a condescending dick to your elderly relatives” as a message. It’s not exactly subtle with that message, having characters openly discuss moving Thelma into a home whilst she’s in the room, but discussing it like she’s not there. The moments where it plays like a pseudo-action film are fun to watch too, but it never goes quite as far as you feel it could.

A part of the film I didn’t think worked out that well was the sections in the nursing home. They feel a bit too sitcom-like as if they belong in a lower-quality film with a completely different tone. The director’s use of soft focus on the edges of the frame may be annoying to quite a few people too. It also sucks that this was Richard Roundtree’s final film role, and I’m not a fan of how it reminded me of my grandmother and hence now I’m sad.

Overall, Thelma is delightful. A bit too cutesy at times, but it would take a heart of stone to not be charmed by it. It is not among the best of 2024, but it is certainly among the films that made me feel most warm inside. It’s definitely the best of the two “Old person gets scammed by someone on the phone” movies of the year. Here’s the other one if you were wondering.

The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024) Review

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Quick synopsis: A top-secret group of rogues embark on a mission to something something Nazi’s.

“This does not feel like the Guy Ritchie who gave the world Snatch or Lock Stock. This feels like the Guy Ritchie that gave us Swept Away and Aladdin. It doesn’t feel like there’s any love in it. There’s nothing memorable about it. It lacks not only his visual flair but also the crowd-pleasing narrative twists and turns. There’s a real identity crisis about the whole thing. There are so many moments which if they were fleshed out could form the basis of a great film,” that’s from my review of the last Guy Ritchie film I watched, and it’s true here. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t entertained whilst watching this, I was actually bored. The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare (or TMOUW, pronounced Tomorr-woo) is only memorable because I wrote down that I saw it. Much like OFRdG, there’s not much here to recommend (and it has a clunky title). The action scenes are okay, but the film seems to want them to take a back seat to “banter” that shouldn’t be in the driving seat. It manages to be overwritten to the point that none of it feels natural and also like a first draft.

The opening scene is fun, shockingly violent, and features some pretty decent performances. If the rest of TMOUW was like that, I’d have enjoyed it a lot more. By “a lot more”, I mean “at all”. Ritchie’s strength is not in the faux-gentlemanly characters of WW2. None of them feel genuine, instead coming off as a modern person’s idea of what people from the 90s would sound like in the 1940s.

The plot feels like a prequel to a film that has never been made. There’s no jeopardy, it’s all building towards something inevitable but never entertaining enough to distract you from that. The “heist” aspect isn’t as smart as it needs to be, and the surrounding scenes just aren’t interesting enough to hold your attention.

I can’t even say I’m disappointed. I didn’t have high expectations because of my issues with OFRdG, but there was a small part of me that hoped that Ritchie would pull it off, especially since how well-received The Gentleman TV series has been. It’s like going back to a restaurant that used to be good, but the last five times it’s given you intense diarrhoea. You know you shouldn’t go back, but your memories of the first time linger, and you will always have that hope, even when you should know better.

Sting (2024) Review

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Quick synopsis: An alien spider grows and kills, serving as a warning to humans: “Don’t stand so close to me”.

Sting is not a smart movie. It’s not brave, it’s not challenging, it’s not something that’s going to stay with you for years after you see it. It’s also not bad. Not everything needs to change the world, some things can just be entertaining, and this is definitely that. Yes, it’s the dumbest thing the name “Sting” has been attached to since Starrcade 1997/Track 12 from the Brimstone And Treacle soundtrack. You’ll be entertained once you get past the disappointment that this isn’t actually a horror movie based on a guy who once watched The Crow or the writer of Roxanne (the song, not the movie).

It’s not perfect, for one thing, Robyn Nevin is clearly not using her natural accent, and it’s noticeable. Noni Hazelhurst is pretty damn fun though, and has the name that’s the most fun to say. There are also moments where the writers skipped over things we should have seen. For example, the police are seemingly accusing Ethan (played by a pretty damn great Ryan Corr) of harming his neighbour. While they talk to him he receives a phone call saying “come here” from his neighbour (Danny Kim), and he just leaves. There are also issues with pacing, the opening in particular is far too long in comparison to the rest of the film.

It is mostly just a lot of fun. The way the opening is filmed may make you think it would be cheaply made, especially since the attack there didn’t show that much (for reasons that become clear later on, but in the moment, it does seem cheap), but when it needs to, it goes hard. There’s one death in particular which is BRUTAL and I love it.

Sting has an advantage (not in a Wargames way) over horror movies in that people already find spiders kind of creepy, probably because the way they walk doesn’t seem natural, and they look more like hydraulic robots. Sting makes the most of the creepy nature they naturally have. Yes, it does augment it with sci-fi stuff, but it never comes across as horror you laugh at. There are some funny moments, but they’re based around the characters rather than the situation.

I went in with low expectations, and it exceeded them. I don’t think I need to watch it again at any point, but I don’t regret seeing it, and I would definitely watch a sequel (which, judging by the ending, we’re getting). Yes, it’s shlock, but it’s so fun. Taking inspiration from Alien, but also from those terrible 80s slasher movies that people love. It may not be your favourite horror of the year (I think The First Omen is my favourite so far), but it won’t be the worst (Hello there Tarot, Night Swim, The Watchers etc).

My Spy: The Eternal City (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: JJ (A “very noticeable for a spy” Batista) reunites with Sophie (Chloe Coleman), accompanying her on her school trip where they find themselves at the centre of a terrorist plot.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not a normal reviewer; I don’t put definitive star ratings at the end of reviews for one thing. I will always admit that personal bias counts for a lot, sometimes negatively (I am predisposed to dislike anything with certain actors in), sometimes positively. My review of Hereditary was (I assume) the only review of that movie to include the phrase “cocking shit fuck” (unlike reviews of Morbius, which were fucking littered with that phrase, especially the one in the Holy Jesus Mary Church Weekly newsletter). On the plus side, that does mean there are lower expectations of me to maintain professional standards. As such, the following sentence won’t harm my reputation among readers as much as if it was said by someone like Peter Bradshaw (who only uses professional review lines, like in Twisters where he said “Certainly, the twister here is an obvious symbol for orgasm”). Here goes, the sentence which would doom me if I was a professional:

I stopped paying attention before this movie ended.

I watched this at home, but there weren’t any active distractions (local building work etc). I just…I just found myself watching but taking nothing in. When I speak of Come True, I often find myself talking about how despite watching it on a small screen, in my memory, it’s on a big one. With this? I will remember I watched it on my TV, not the cinema. It never felt big enough to be worthy of anything except “straight to streaming”. That’s a shame as I enjoyed the first one, and My Spy: The Eternal City (or MS: TEC, pronounced Ms. Tech) actually soured my memory of it. It assumes I can remember much more from the first one than I can. Characters turn up and the film is like “OMG it’s you guys”, whereas the audience’s reaction is “Who the fuck are these guys?”. I don’t want films overrun with flashbacks, but a few of them might have been helpful. It would be easy to do too; just frame it as Sophie giving a presentation in class or something. It would definitely be better than the current opening; a dream sequence. Never open an action movie with a dream sequence, it sets up action setpieces that can’t be recreated in reality.

Other scenes are similarly misjudged. The biggest misstep is when JJ is being tortured and threatened with death. I don’t know if it’s the way it’s shot, the way it’s written, or even just where it is in the script, but it’s devoid of any tension. I doubt a single person who watches this believed for a second that that scene would be where the character dies, even the stupid people watching it would realise that was never going to happen.

Another issue is how it wastes the location’ Venice is cinematic, but you would not know that from watching this. It could take place in any European city and it wouldn’t require that many changes. It’s a shame as I really enjoyed the first movie, and this feels like a massive step down.

MS. TECH isn’t all negative though. The cast has good chemistry, and Anna Farris is clearly having a lot of fun. There are some genuinely funny moments, especially when someone is getting stone dicks thrown at their face. Taeho K doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page but shows fantastic promise in the small moments he’s given.

Finally, and much more importantly; it’s great to hear an Ashnikko song in a film. Love that shit.

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024) Review

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Quick synopsis: Do you care about the plot or are you just glad to see Foley back? Exactly.

I will admit I was nervous about this. I will go on record as being one of the few people who actually thoroughly enjoyed Beverly Hills Cop 3, probably because I had it on VHS back in the day so I got to watch it a lot. That being said; that film was released thirty years ago, and there hasn’t been anything major since then. A video game was released in 2006 but was so poorly received that it was referred to in one publication as “the 9/11 of video games”, which feels a little harsh. In 2013, a pilot for a television show was produced, but it was never shown. Let’s not be too harsh; but let’s face it, Eddie Murphy isn’t the name he used to be, and this is a francwhise that, whilst loved, isn’t missed (mainly because the last one was so poorly received). So what’s the purpose of this being made? Those concerns were raised with the release of the trailer; which made it seem tonally inconsistent with the rest of the franchise. Gone was the lightheartedness and fun, to be replaced by family drama and large stunts.

So it’s a pleasant surprise that the final product is a lot of fun. There are a few new characters, but they slot into the universe effortlessly to the point you could assume they’d been there all along. The only character that stands out is Kevin Bacon’s Captain Cade Grant. The reveal that he is the villain comes too early to count as a twist, but also arrives too late to be the basis of the plot. It’s also far too obvious, to the point where you have to wonder why they even bothered pretending he wasn’t the villain from the opening. Just show him as the bad guy at the start, then have the late reveal be that he belongs to the police, then have THAT lead to the third act shootout.

It’s nice to see the returning cast, although some have been very rude and had the audacity to age in the last 30 years, which is very disappointing to see. I do get the feeling that Eddie Murphy has slightly aged out of playing these characters. At his age, that kind of behaviour just seems reckless and irresponsible rather than “wacky fun hijinks”, there are moments when you can’t help but think “you should know better”. There are moments where his behaviour works, where it is genuinely fun to see, and that is most of the time. But like I said, there are one or two moments where it just seems weird to see him act that way.

There are few occasions where it does seem like its resting on past glories, but they are rare. It mostly works. There are fun set pieces, creative action, and some incredibly funny dialogue and interplay between the characters. It’s ridiculous, but not “he just knocked a helicopter out of the sky using a car” level like other franchises reached. Even at its most ridiculous, it does feel grounded in the reality that this universe has created.

In an uncertain world full of gloom and doom (to the point where it’s effected champagne sales), it’s nice to have something as comforting and uncomplicated as a film like this. Watch, enjoy, then eat a pot noodle or something. It’s not going to change the world, and some of the satire feels misguided compared to the potential it has, but it would be a cruel vindictive heart that is not warmed by this.

Twisters (2024) Review

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Quick synopsis: Haunted by a past encounter with extreme weather conditions, Kate is tempted back into tornado chasing in an attempt to prove her method of disintegrating dangerous tornados will work.

Let’s say you were on a date with someone. The two of you have been messaging for a while and there have been a few moments where their actions could be misconstrued as rude and/or abusive but you felt “I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt”. There’s an undeniable spark between the two so you decide to meet. You sit at the restaurant waiting for them, it’s exciting and you’re nervous. They suddenly appear out of nowhere spinning a circle whilst operating a chainsaw, nearly decapitating you and forcing you to jump away at the last second to avoid getting hurt. For whatever reason, you continue the date. On the journey home they stop the car to let some ducks cross the road, and then pull someone out of a burning car. The next day you get a text from your friend asking how it went. Are you going to respond “Oh it was great, they were so cute and saved someone’s life”, or are you going to respond “They nearly killed me with a chainsaw, fucking sociopath”? The odds are that it will be the second. Once someone nearly kills you with their arrogance and stupidity, it’s hard to overcome that initial “what the fuck is their problem?” feeling, and it will taint every action they do from that point on. I mention that because in Twisters, the kind-of sequel to the 1996 “Oh yeah that film existed, and made a lot of money” disaster Funtime flick Twister, very early on in their interactions we witness Glen Powell’s character Tyler Owens nearly run Kate (a fantastic Daisy Edgar-Jones) and Javi (Anthony Ramos) off the road whilst they’re all chasing a tornado. It’s very easy to see how those actions could have killed those characters. After that, it’s hard to buy him as a romantic lead or someone to root for.

That’s a shame, if they cut out those 3-seconds of almost vehicular manslaughter then Twisters would work a lot better than it does. It’s a much better film than you’d assume it would be. The tornado scenes are incredible to look at, giving you a true sense of the damage they can cause. People who have never seen a tornado may think, “It’s just a bit of wind, just put some Blu-Tack on your shoes and you’ll be fine”. Twisters does a fantastic job of showing why that’s stupid (beyond how expensive Blu-Tack is now), they are destructive forces of nature that arrive, fuck shit up completely, and then leave. That is never more felt than in the opening scene, which introduces a group of dynamic and loveable (plus incredibly smart) teens who it looks like could anchor this film, and then kills almost all of them. It possibly could have done a slightly better job of showing the destruction that flying debris can cause, most of the danger does seem to come from being sucked off.

Some of the dialogue does come off a bit weird. There’s a lot of talk about how “weather has changed a lot and become more dangerous lately” but no discussion as to why. Like it’s so scared about upsetting certain (American) people that it dares not utter the words “Climate Change”. Other than that weird omission, the conversations feel real. That’s because the characters do too. Oddly, there didn’t seem to be any characters from the original movie here at all, I didn’t even see any mention of them. I don’t mind that though as I don’t remember that much from the original, at one point a cow went wooosh. So I think it’s probably for the best that this doesn’t go full “Look kids, it’s the person from the original! Applaud!”, although it does feel like there is one character who was written with “let’s see if we can get Helen Hunt to come back” in mind.

I appreciate how they didn’t dumb the science down. The characters are all supposed to be intelligent and experienced in the field of tornados, so if they were talking to each other they wouldn’t dumb it down. Why would they? They wouldn’t explain the basics, they would talk as if everybody in the room already knows, because odds are they would. Most films wouldn’t do that, they’d write it to get the audience to understand it, which means the characters would be speaking like nobody with their expertise would talk to their peers.

To summarise; a surprisingly good experience, that’s completely tainted by a few seconds of character stupidity that makes it hard to truly love. That moment lingers over the film far too heavily to forget it. Which is a genuine shame, I haven’t witnessed a more damaging three-second incident since [paternity suit pending].