Quick synopsis: A witch travels to the Lost Lands in search of a magical power that allows a person to transform into a werewolf.

Okay, so about an hour before I watched this, I was having an imaginary conversation with someone about how hard it is to take Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels seriously because my first encounter with one of the actors was in a comedy. The fictitious people weren’t convinced, so I had to prove it to them by watching the sketch (YouTube the Armando Iannucci East End Thug, it’s that). After the imaginary argument was won, I watched another sketch from that show, the “This House Is Made Of Paper” one. I mention this for three reasons:

1. To increase the word count.
2. Watching those sketches was more entertaining than watching this movie.
3. The guy from the “This house is made of paper” is in this movie, in a serious role. So to prove a point to imaginary people, I ended up proving that point to myself. Because it made In The Lost Lands (ITLL, it-lull) difficult to take seriously.

Not that it’s an easy film to take seriously in the first place. Somehow, it’s both one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen, yet also overcomplicated with everybody switching sides and allegiances at the drop of a slippery hat. If you threw in Macguffins On A Pole, casual racism, and misogyny, you’d have a Vince Russo special. Stuff happens, but none of it FEELS important. You’re never not aware that these are fictional characters, so nothing hits.

It’s not helped by the look. You know how, when you go swimming in a chlorinated pool, and after you leave, all the light that comes from light bulbs looks weird for a while? It’s that, but intentionally, and without the joy of swimming. Even JJ. Abrams told them to tone down the lens flare. I don’t get the fascination with it; most of the time, it looks awful. I don’t know how, but even shots of sunlight hitting mountains look fake. It looks like every scene takes place in front of a green screen (which it may well have done).

The performances are…..off. They’re not necessarily bad, but you’re aware that every performer is capable of better. Nobody will use this on their highlight reel, with the possible exception of Amara Okereke, who carries herself so well that you assume you’ve already seen her in loads of stuff even if you haven’t. If there’s any justice, she can use this to land roles in the future where she’ll be able to receive more plaudits.

I didn’t expect ITLL to be good; I went in knowing it would be a mess. I thought it would at least be fun. That I’d watch it and be satisfied knowing that it’s shit, but entertaining shit, shlock. I didn’t expect it to be as incomprehensibly shit as it is. It looks bad, the story is bad, and nothing about it is memorable in a positive sense. I can only assume the 55 million dollar budget went on avocados and Starbucks, because none of it comes out on the screen. On the plus side, it’s not notable enough to stick in my memory.