The Final Word: Day 4 (The Final Destination)

  • Oh boy, this one is in 3D, which is always a good sign for a horror franchise. Really? “The Final Destination?” Not Final Destination 4? I guess we’re just blowing off conventional naming mechanisms? Fine, why don’t I just blow off speaking English too if that’s how we’re going?
  • Blom gu garh kan sha yuv bew lok
  • “also known as” oh thank God a normal title “Final Destination 3D” no! That’s not helpful.
  • Fine, I’ll stop talking about the title and start focusing on the actual film.
  • Still a stupid title though.
  • So after covering the horror-inducing situations of a plane explosion, a traffic crash, and a roller coaster breaking, this film starts somewhere even scarier: NASCAR.
  • For those who don’t know what NASCAR is: I envy you, you sweet summer child. It’s essentially driving in a circle, for 200 laps. We actually have them in England too, they’re near supermarkets and called roundabouts. At least with ours after you complete it you can pick up a Cornish pasty.
  • Straight in, no opening credits to speak of yet. I like when horror films do that sometimes, because it annoys people who don’t turn up on time as “I don’t want to watch the trailers”. Watch the trailers! It’s how you find new movies.
  • “tell me why we chose this instead of seeing a movie?” Weird choice for an opening line in a movie.
  • “if they lose focus for even a millisecond they will have to be scraped off the fence with a shovel, a shovel!” A lot of the fences here are chain-link so I don’t think that will help. Best to maybe pressure-wash them.
  • “No I came to see them compete, of course I want them to crash”.
  • “you’re sick hunt” I agree he is a disgusting, oh, you said “Hunt”
  • “Time to lay off the funyuns” nooooo, those funyuns have a family they’re supporting, they need the work.
  • The characters (Nick, Lori, Hunt, and Janet) are at the roundabout driving event, having snuck alcohol in in fake binoculars, because they like the local events, but they hate making sure that the people who put on these events make any money. And if they go out of business thats their own fault.
  • People move and get in the way, stopping characters from being able to see the vroom vroom go fast.
  • A woman puts tampons in her kids ears, unused. I hope. Because that’s something people do.
  • The most unrealistic part of this movie is this is a NASCAR event and there’s only one obvious racist (Carter).
  • One of the characters (the forgettable-looking white male, oh wait, that doesn’t narrow it down) points out they’re safe as there’s a fence between them and the track. At this point the fence starts coming loose when the wind starts unscrewing things. Because wind does that. It’s why I don’t actually have a screwdriver in my house, I just blow everything and my problems are solved.
  • A piece of paper memorialising drivers who have died blows onto the floor near Nick. If you have enough recent deaths that it fills a sheet of A4, maybe stop doing that event.
  • A guy sitting in front of him has “life’s a bitch, and then you die. Any questions?” oh his shirt. I have two actually: 1) slogans should go on the front of a t-shirt, not the back, why would you do that? 2) Who told you you could pull off that colour?
  • A mechanic leaves a metal thingymajig (teechnical term) in the back of a vehicle, not the back seat, wedged into the actual back of the car. The car drives off, and the crew for some reason don’t radio him to tell him to pull the fuck over. Maybe they don’t have radios in the car, because that’s not a thing drivers ever have is it? What kind of amateur bullshit is this?
  • Oh it’s fine, it’s fallen off now and is laying in the middle of the track. Panic over, it’s all good.
  • Oh no! A car hit it, what a surprise!
  • The car flips, and the audio is…..strange. It sounds like cheers are happening, but canned cheers. There’s no crescendo it just starts and ends at the same level.
  • A tire decapitates someone, which is the first death of the movie by the way, and it’s thoroughly underwhelming. It happens so fast you don’t get a proper look at it, the audio feels muted so it doesn’t feel painful, and it just doesn’t feel real.
  • A car flies over the fence and lands on someone, I think, it happened quickly so it might have just landed on an empty seat. The driver’s dead though. Previous films would have shown him burning in agony, not this one though, in this one you never get a look at any of the drivers, it’s almost like they don’t exist or matter. It’s weird as it’s such a simple thing but it would have improved it so much if we got a look inside the cars at any point.
  • Two racists (well, one racist and his wife, but if she’s with him and doesn’t call him out on his shit, she’s racist by proxy) get split in half like a divorced couples belongings by a flying piece of metal. Again, it happens so quickly and is so CGI that it seems fake and has no impact.
  • A woman (Samantha) is trampled by people running away. Sadly she doesn’t die then, but is too injured to move when an engine flies out and strikes her in the stomach. I really wish she died earlier. The engine scene isn’t good enough to justify it, and her dying not from the accident but at the direct hand of the audience is a much more chilling death. Okay this is just a premonition so it doesn’t actually happen but still. It would have been much better.
  • Andy (the boyfriend of Nadia, the woman decapitated by the tire) runs away, slipping and landing on a piece of wood that’s sticking up in one of the worst effects so far in this franchise. It’s basically a cartoon.
  • The building starts collapsing, killing lots more people as the exits are blocked. Why does this look so bad? Actually it’s for the same reason as the third one, they used similar techniques to the second one (using practical effects then tidying it up with CGI) but waaaaay overdid it so it all looks fake, essentially a video game.
  • An explosion knocks Nick into a piece of metal that kills him. Everybody is dead.
  • But not really we’re back in reality. Nick, showing actual brains, describes things that will happen before they do. Making it much easier to get everybody on his side.
  • “we gotta go, there’s gonna be a crash” a guy in front turns around and bitches at him “hey! that ain’t funny”. This would be about 40 seconds after someone else said “Of course I hope they crash”, which the guy was fine for some reason.
  • He, and a group of other people run outside the stadium, and keeping in tradition for this franchise, the crash happens WAY too fucking early, with chaos happening about 10 seconds after they leave instead of 5 minutes.
  • Carter (the racist dickbag) is stopped from going back into the stadium by security guard. I’d have let him, he’s a racist so…..
  • Nadia, who got decapitated by a tire in the original crash, is outside the arena now, where she still gets decapitated by a tire. She must have really pissed off a sentient tire.
  • Opening credits! These are probably my favourite opening credits so far, x-ray style retellings of previous deaths in the franchise. Really cool, VERY unique, and a great way of rewarding fans of the franchise.
  • The original four friends are sat in a coffee shop emotionally recovering. I think this is the first time in the franchise that none of the original friend group die in the mass death scene. Very cool, and allows us to get a better look at how their group dynamic works.
  • “But why are we still alive?” Because you weren’t in the place where the crash happened, it’s not complicated.
  • “we’re alive because we deserve it” and the people who died died because they deserved? Bit cruel, you dick.
  • “A memorial will be held tomorrow at McKinley Speedway” aren’t they still cleaning it up? Fuck man, you’re contaminating a crime scene.
  • Andy is devastated at the loss of his wife. Carter has also lost his wife, and decides to resort to using the n-word to fix things. Because he’s a racist, and racists don’t have feelings except hate.
  • Nick wakes up after having CGI visions of another death, this time involving a hook-crane (Yes I know there’s probably a technical word, I do not know the technical word).
  • “I just had a really bad nightmare, it seemed real” lol, it didn’t though. It seemed super fake and made by computer, and not even a modern one, but a mid 90s adventure game.
  • Carter somehow found out where the black security guard who stopped him going back into the arena lives. He parks his tow truck (with company name, smart) outside the guys house, and sets up a cross to burn to burn on his lawn. The film shows a part of cross burning that’s never shown on film usually; him digging a hole to put the cross in. They always mention the hate, never the landscaping.
  • A 4 pack of beer (with only 2 drunk, pussy) falls down, causing the truck to go forward. For some reason the door locks as it drives off. Carter gets hoist by his own petard, well, tow truck chain and gets dragged down the street. The metal chain dragging on the floor starts a fire and he slowly burns to death in a manner sort of like a lynching, He dies, finally something good happens in this film. And it happens while the song “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” plays. Funny. I mean, it would be horrible if it happened to a human but it didn’t.
  • The characters find out what happened, one of them finds out while she’s just sitting around in a cute t-shirt and green underwear. Eugh, really movie? You couldn’t not be creepy for one minute?
  • Samantha (the mother who put tampons in her kids ears) turns up at a salon for her 5 o clock appointment. At 5:50, they close at six. “Sorry i’m late”, that’s not really acceptable for being 50 minutes late. She complains about their being nobody who can help her, on account of, you know, her being 50 minutes late, and the place closing in 10 minutes. “I understand, but it’s a girls night out” Doesn’t matter, are you paying the overtime? No? Then fuck off.
  • The company acquiesces, because fuck the staff, right? They don’t have lives or need to do anything.
  • Lots of death fake-outs occur showing a fan nearly falling, water dripping on a radio, body butter on the floor etc. But we already know what her deaths involve due to the vision So…..what’s the point of those?
  • A can of hairspray slowly slides along until it’s near a hair straightener, igniting the can and causing the fan to fall down, hitting nothing.
  • After all those fake-outs we get her actual death; a stone run over by a lawnmower flies through her head. I would love to see mythbusters deal with that. It’s a weirdly low-key death for the second human death in the movie (racists aren’t people, guys, how many times do I have to tell you?).
  • Her death is met with “we lost a really hot MILF”. Wow, do you do eulogies or hallmark cards?
  • They were googling premonitions, and obviously come up with the disasters from the previous movies (again, not from the next one, despite it happening before the others. That will never not annoy me), and none from anything outside of these movies. It’s weird the only allusions to real-life deaths in this franchise were to fucking 9/11. They couldn’t even come up with a fake disaster that we didn’t see? Because at the moment it feels like these films only take place in their own reality, they’re very insular and don’t seem to exist in reality.
  • “would it kill you to be sensitive?” Dunno dude, you’re the one who can see deaths, you tell him.
  • Nick and Lori head to the racetrack, which for some reason doesn’t have anybody there doing forensics and cleaning it up still. Shit, there are still clothes there.
  • Nick flashbacks to the premonition, and again I have to say while we saw the whole thing play out, how did he see it all? He would have been panicking surely? He wouldn’t have been like “okay I’ll just stare at this couple until they die”. So how does he know which order?
  • Wooo a security guard. George, who just happened to be in the vicinity the day of the accident, and only just avoided death. What a crazy random happenstance that he’s the one who catches them.
  • “Three of the people who survived the accident are now dead”. I can’t believe they didn’t fix that mistake in the script. It wasn’t three people, it was two people and Carter.
  • We find out why George is in Alcoholics Anonymous; he killed his wife and kids in a car accident while drunk. Wow, actual character. I’m not used to that in these films.
  • Andy dies when a gas tank pushes him against a chain link fence, killing him in, again, a very cartoon-looking death. After seeing parts of his stomach be pushes through the fence. One of his workmates comes out, looks at him and says “hey, are you okay?” obviously fucking not.
  • Hunt is a cunt. He’s in a very gratuitous sex scene which is just there for boobs. He also looks really fucking dumb.
  • Nick has a premonition that Hunt will die when he drives past a sign saying “Clear Rivers Water”. An obvious reference to Clear from the first two films. This film has not been good but it’s had moments like that which are superb.
  • A kid shoots Hunt with a water pistol. Hunt gets annoyed about getting wet near a swimming pool so swears at the kid, pops his inflatable, pushes him in the pool, then steals the water pistol and throws it behind a fence near a piece of equipment. Nobody who watches this happens stops him or punches him in the dick. Also, he does know that even without the pistol, there are still ways people can get wet when they’re near a swimming pool, right? It turns out he has broken the pool drainage system, which isn’t protected or monitored.
  • Janet could also die in water, her car getting stuck in a car wash and her sunroof magically opening. At least it was set up that the sunroof was dodgy in an earlier scene. Water pours into the car in a moment which would be much better in a better film.
  • Hunt gets hit a golf ball, causing his lucky coin to fall out of his pocket and roll into the pool. They could have just had him flip the coin and drop it. Or had the little kid (who hasn’t been seen again by the way) steal it. Or even have him swim and it fall out of his pocket. If a golf ball hits him like that then the course is way too close to the pool. All those unprotected heads and flying golf balls is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
  • He of course, jumps into the pool, but the increased suction on the broken drainage system causes him to be forced to the bottom of the pool by his anus.
  • While he’s being given a wet sucking in the pool, Janet gets her head stuck in her sunroof and is nearly pummelled to death by car wash tentacles. And not in a sexy way. She gets saved though. Having both characters separated and being unsure which one will die is a great way to get tension, and as such is never done again.
  • Meanwhile back with the worlds most dangerous rimjob, Hunt is clearly near death. The films cuts to above the pool for a few chilling moments where everything is fine and normal, nobody noticing him dying. It’s a haunting moment knowing that he’s dying and can see everybody not noticed. I’d say it’s only ruined by the tense music that plays over the pool shots. I feel if they played relaxed happy music it would be more disturbing as it would almost normalise the ignorance.
  • He dies, bloodily and painfully. So if Janet wasn’t due to die, why did all that weird shit happen at the car wash? Was it just to distract them from Hunt? It’s weird how death fucked with them like that and never does it again in the franchise.
  • George and Andy meet near a hospital where another survivor is. He was unknown to the group (and as such, to us) and is next on deaths list. So this will be satisfying, a death of a character we know nothing about. It’s quite a drawn out death too. Involving an overflowing bathtub, another racist, and him being injured enough that he can’t move.
  • Meanwhile Janet is at the mall, with a heavy object ominously looming overhead because, again, this is America, and health and safety laws are communism.
  • Before any of this can come to fruition, George gets hit by an ambulance. Is that their way of getting more business? Oh wait, he’s dead, they went too far.
  • Janet and Lori (I think, I can’t remember who anybody is in this movie) are at the cinema when it blows up and everybody dies. But they don’t because it’s another vision, all of that was a vision. So it doesn’t matter. We could have guessed that since EVERYBODY died after only an hour of film. If they limited it and left a few survivors then it would have been more believable. I’m not going to spend too long on this, as it was a complete waste of time. I will say it’s weird how the fire started with barrels labeled “spontaneously combustable”, how does that work? That would just be combustable, sure? Spontaneously combustable implies it will just randomly set itself on fire.
  • Nick stops the cinema deaths despite being shot with a nail gun (this franchise loves those nail guns) and saves the day. Yay. So does this mean everybody else from that cinema is now on deaths list? We don’t know, we will never know. What a totally satisfying thing to happen in a movie.
  • Later on he and the girls are sitting in a coffee shop. He starts getting worried when he see’s ominous signs, like an advert for a swimming pool, or NASCAR on TV. I agree that showing NASCAR on television is in bad taste. Not because of the accident, but because it’s shit.
  • They die after the end of the film, being hit by a truck and their deaths being in same manner as the opening credits, being shown in x-ray. That’s pretty cool, much better than the rest of the film.

So that’s that over. Probably the worst film so far, and a lot of that is down the visuals. It’s weird as it’s directed by same guy as the second one, and that really, well, I wouldn’t say “improved” on the first one, but it did continue it in a logical and respectable manner. This one? Just no. As I mentioned, the characters range from awful to forgettable to George (who is actually well written). Also, it doesn’t make me scared of anything. The first one makes you scared of planes, the second makes you scared you logs on trucks, the third one makes you scared of tanning beds. They’re all things that have slightly seeped into pop culture and you see references to them on the internet. Nothing from this makes you feel the same way. It leaves no imprint on you and the only thing it makes you scared off is shitty CGI.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s