Director: Stephen Hopkins (other films include Predator 2 and The Life And Death Of Peter Sellers, I know, I’m surprised too)

Budget: $8million

US Box Office: $22million

• Ah, Alice is back from the last film. So she’s a survivor from a previous film, and I find her cute, the only way I could be more certain she’s going to die would be if she was black.
• Odd opening credits, the names look like they’re scrawled on in childs chalk handwriting. Works.
• Opens on Alice and Dan from the last movie naked in bed together. Brave choice assuming we’ll remember who they are.
• Alice takes a shower, this is pretty much horror shorthand for “this woman is about to die, but don’t worry, we’ll show you her tits first”
• Yup, the shower starts malfunctioning and she almost drowns. She managed to escape however and ends up in an asylum. Because, well of course she does.
• Hey, there’s Robert Englund as a patient.
• Alice is now in a nuns costume and a nametag showing she’s Freddy’s mum. She’s locked in overnight because the guards are useless nincompoops.
• Luckily she wakes up before this film earns an X rating.
• “that’s not what a cover girl puts in her body” True, they never put lollipops in themselves, not in mouths anyway, hey, gotta get famous somehow.
• I feel like we should know these people but in reality we have yet to be introduced to them, seems like there was deleted scenes earlier showing who they are. As it is, they all just seem like awful awful people.
• “look, if you don’t dream about him, he can’t hurt you”. F*cking idiotic thing to say.
• “this boy feels the need for speed”, really, he seems more like a weed kind of guy.
• “i was watching from behind the rafters, didn’t want to embarrass you, you know, the drunk dad showing up” subtle bit of screenwriting there.
• The creepy singing kids are back. These kids are sometimes the creepiest thing in the films and often lure people to their deaths, yet nobody ever just punches them all in the face. I’d struggle against Freddy Krueger, but a group of seven year old girls? I reckon I could take down most of them.
• Freddy birth scene. The doctors reaction is “holy shit, what is it”. To be honest that’s my reaction to every baby.
• The baby looks deformed and pretty much immediately runs out of the room. I know people on facebook who would still post “oh my god, my baby is so cute and smart”. Actually that’s a point, he’s walking almost immediately, in fact he’s quite independent from birth, evil or not, that shit is advanced.
• Freddy fully returns in a church. What is it with Freddy and churches? Yeah I know his mum was a nun but I think he’d try to avoid them. I mean, what does he see in Christianity that he likes so much? His life is based around scaring people and abusing childr-oh, I get it now.
• “It’s a boy” Freddy looks remarkably pink faced there, is strange. Side note, apparently that line is the only one that survived from the original script.
• “Your birth was a curse on the whole of humanity” my mum says the exact same thing to me every week.
• “sometimes I feel like I’m living with Melicertes”. I actually understand that reference! Read about him whilst researching Sisyphus, for comedy.
•  “Alice beckons” That sounds like a good album name.
• This film gets +5 points and levels up just for using the phrase “dickweed”
• Freddy criticises Dans alcohol. Rude.
• Dan steals a bike. Tosspot.
• Dan is fused into the bike, just to be clear, the bike he stole.
• Time of second death: 27 minutes. I assume, I mean, it’s going to be really hard for him to escape this
• Let’s focus on the most important part though: dan would still be alive if he hadn’t FALLEN ASLEEP WHEN DRIVING! His dream mother was right, he is a dickweed.
• “Hey Danny, better not dream and drive”. Why’s Freddy the villain? That’s perfectly legitimate advice. Even if Freddy wasn’t killing people in dreams, Dan would have died, because he FELL ASLEEP WHILST DRIVING! I cannot emphasise that enough.
• “you’re just a little pregnant”. 1) weirdest phrasing ever. You’re either pregnant or you’re not, it’s binary opposition. 2) So you don’t tell her alone, you decide to tell her whilst her dad is in the room. Sure that’s breaking some sort of doctor rule.
• Creepy kid, looks like Damien from The Omen.
• “the parents of the murdered kids got together and killed him”. Wait, no they didn’t, it was just parents on the street. The girl from the first film, her parents had a role in Freddy’s death, and unless she had a brother/sister we weren’t told about, they weren’t parents of murdered kid, just parents of a kid. Unless they were just there for the pure rush of murdering someone.
• Time of second death: 38 minutes. Greta, who’s characterisation is pretty much “her mum wants her to be a model so doesn’t let her eat”, dies through being force fed. Again we have other odd circumstances as she fell asleep at a dinner party. So even if she hadn’t died, her manners surely did.
• Mark (a comic book geek) discovers Freddy. Alice saves him by drawing herself into one of his comics.
• Jacob (the creepy kid from earlier), appears again. Turns out he’s Alice’s son.
• “Do unborn babies dream?” “yeah, they do”. Congratulations film on making abortion that bit harder for women to get, so far they’ve only had to deal with being screamed at and mentally abused. Well done.
• The doctor asks Alice’s friend to fetch her file, isn’t that what assistants etc are for? This is America so she’s literally paying for her friend to get her file for her.
• Alice falls asleep and gets sucked into the ultrasound where she discovers her baby is being fed the souls of the victims. Someone had to write that scene.
• “the pregnancy might be too much for you, being single and everything”. I dunno, I’d say the “friends all dying in mysterious circumstances” is a bigger deal.
•  “we got a phone call from the doctor, he said you’re having paranoid delusions”. Does patient/doctor confidentiality mean nothing in this film?
• A newspaper article about Freddy’s mum. Headline “a victim of the evil within us all”. No she was the victim of a hundred rapes due to incompetence.
• Yvonne (a diver girl who hasn’t really done much yet), has a nightmare where she tries to escape Freddy by jumping off a diving board into a swimming pool that changes into a puddle. Turns out Freddy isn’t killing her, just taking her hostage, which works for all of about 5 seconds.
• Mark starts reading from on his many comics (all of them Marvel apart from the one he actually reads) and it basically is the plot of the film in comic book form. He gets drawn into it “Take On Me” style, but disappointingly the film doesn’t have the balls (or imagination) to go full A-ha so just settles for his dream sequence being oddly coloured, by which I mean everything in black and white except for him, like some kind of non-holocaust and non-penis Schindlers List ((odd that the two most complained about aspects of that film from American Christians anyway) both involve showers))
• Mark actually uses logic and transforms into a gun-using comic book character. Alas he doesn’t realise he’s just a side character so dies. Time of death: 65 Minutes. This one is actually kind of cool as Mark gets turned into a paper character and sliced by Freddy, the colour draining from him like blood. Kind of inventive.
• Back to the asylum, Freddy is pushed into a pile of the maniac rapists and disappears into the horde to be torn apart. Is that how he dies? Seriously?
• Okay no, he appears alongside Jacob like nothing has happened.
• Jacob tries to run to Alice, but they’re both trapped in a kind of MC Escher situation. Side note: there should be an intellectual rapper called “MC Escher”
• “Kids, always a disappointment”, I wish this film would stop quoting my parents.
• Freddy tears himself out of alice (where it turns out he’s been hiding all this time) in a weird body-horror-esque move. I knew she’d die 😦 just waiting for the inevitable now. Poor lovely Alice.
• Oh wait she’s saved. Yvonne found the body of the nun and freed her spirit, by touching the body.
• The nun appears to Jacob and helps him defeat Freddy. So after being beaten by being shouted at, a kiss, his bones being moved, and a mirror, Freddy is beaten by something more powerful than any of them…..a nun and a child. Fred Astaire died the same way.
• “schools out Krueger” Random fact, that line only exists because the actor was a minor so wasn’t allowed to say “fuck you”
• Ends with creepy kids again. Then rap
• Side note: the soundtrack to this album contains a christmas number one
• Alice survived 😀 Yay!