Tag: The Watchers

2024 Film Awards: Day Five (The Moments)

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Best Opening

Nominees

American Fiction – Monk talks to a white student

Sums up this film; funny, smart, and sets a fire of fury that it is determined to stoke. Once you witness this scene, you know EXACTLY what film you will watch.

Gladiator 2 – Painted

The usual “quick summary” montage, but done so it looks like it’s been painted. Visually striking, and very beautiful.

Malum – Creepy Creepiness

Police notice saying this is footage from the event. REALLY helps you buy in. Then creepy handheld footage. Well, some of it is creepy (weird chairs etc), and some is so mundane that it becomes creepy. Yes, it feels cheap, but its effective. Then, it transitions into modern times, where you assume the person we meet is our hero. Nope.

Monster – What Is With Minato?

Minato is displaying odd behaviour that is consistent with abuse. When you watch it, it’s good, when you remember it later and understand the full context, it’s great.

Sometimes I Think About Dying – Opening Credits

Look, I just appreciate that they used a different font for the opening credits. Most films don’t, and it shows that the people who made this actually gave a shit about setting tone in every way possible.

Twisters – The Danger Of Wind

Twisters introduces a group of lovable, dynamic characters. Then kills most of them off. I liked it. It was unexpected, plus it showed how dangerous tornados can be, so it set them up as a threat. It’s like when slasher movies start with the killer stabbing someone; establish them as a threat early on so the fear of them lingers over the narrative.

Winner

The Substance – Fading Star

A Walk Of Fame star being constructed and then neglected. The “look at how the world ignores this star until it cracks under pressure” double meaning isn’t exactly subtle. But it looks gorgeous.

Worst Opening

Nominees

Late Night With The Devil – The Explanation

A documentary is investigating the events. Well not really investigating, just playing the show in full. Could have got away with cutting away from it for some sort of modern analysis etc, make it feel more like a documentary. As it is, the opening is just set up, and it all sets up stuff we would be told later anyway.

My Spy: The Eternal City – Dream Sequence

Never open an action movie with a dream sequence. It sets expectations of what the character can do that then can’t be matched. You need to establish what the character is capable of, his strengths, his weaknesses etc. You can’t do that in a dream sequence. A complete waste of time and characterisation.

Winner

Garfield – Animated Movie Opening #12

Garfield starts with happy music. Thus establishing that the studio REALLY don’t understand the character at all. It would be like starting the next Bond movie at a B&B in Clacton. They did this purely because other animated films start the same way, it’s inappropriate for the character, and shows they didn’t really care about making a good movie.

Best Ending

Nominees

Deadpool And Wolverine – Time Of Your Life

A cute montage of the previous Marvel-but-not-MCU movies. With the exception of the X-Men movies, those have been kind of forgotten so it’s nice to see them get some love. It also feels like a love letter to those that paved the way.

I Saw The TV Glow – Owen Breaks Down

The creepiest part of this was that nobody reacted. They all took a mental breakdown as something normal that you shouldn’t concern yourself with. I had some issues with the performance of Smith at some points during Glow, but in this part? He nailed that. The helplessness, the sadness, the sheer terror. Perfection.

Winner

The Iron Claw – Kevin Cries

That’s it. His sons tell him it’s okay to cry. A simple message, but one that is sadly needed. Usually, catharsis in film comes from violence or revenge. It’s kind of sweet to see one come from emotional release.

Worst Ending

Nominees

The First Omen – What Happened To Baby Dame?

The antichrist has been delivered to new parents, and has been named Damian. I mean, we KNEW this would happen. Out of everything that happened in this movie, that was the only thing we did know. It’s been established in the first movie. So what was the point of this? It would be like doing a film about Henry VIII and ending it with “and that man grew up to be king” with dramatic music.

Unfrosted – Where Are They Now?

Purely because of the music choice, which feels like a royalty free song. Considering the cast, this must have had a budget. They used a David Bowie song in the trailer, could they have not stretched to something iconic for the closing?

Winner

Joker: Folie A Deux – Faux-ker

So it turns out the main character of the two Joker movies wasn’t actually the Joker. I’m one of the few people who actually likes the Mandarin twist from Iron Man 3. But if that movie was called “The Mandarin” and he was the main character, I’d be less pleased. I’ve never seen a movie that holds its own audience in contempt as much as this does.

Best Moment

Babes – The Meetcute

Much like Frozen Empire (spoilers for later), Babes needs to make it clear how quickly these characters bond. Especially since the male character dies soon after. Meetcutes can be difficult to pull off, and I haven’t seen it done as masterfully as it was done here in a while.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire – Melody And Phoebe

The two characters bond over chess. So incredibly sweet. If this scene wasn’t good, then the plot would fall apart as you wouldn’t buy that Phoebe would be so reckless for someone she only just met. Sometimes you do meet people and instantly click though. The way this is written, and the way it’s performed, make you believe that this is one of those times.

Sometimes I Think About Dying – The Murder Party

The audience knows what Fran is like, but it’s the party where the rest of the characters begin to find out Frans personality. She really opens up to them, and it’s the first glimpse we get of what she’d be like as a friend; funny, warm-hearted, and with a dark sense of humour.

The Beast – Louis The Incel Dickbag

This is almost entirely due to performance. George Mackay gets everything right here. You get his anger, his frustration, but also his sadness. He’s not someone to hate, he’s someone to be pitied. You don’t feel sorry for him because of how hate-filled he is. But you don’t really fear him because of how pathetic he comes across.

The Iron Claw – The Afterlife

Considering this is a true story, it could have been considered a mistake to have a dream-like scene in it. It might have made it seem a bit silly. IF it wasn’t done as well as it was here. Many manly tears were shed at this moment. It’s absolutely beautiful, and the person it’s based on approves.

Transformers One – The Start Of Darkness

This is a very good scene on paper. But with the performance? It’s excellent. You truly understand why Megatron and Optimus Prime think the way they do. It’s not contrived or silly, it’s heartbreaking to realise these two characters are headed down dark paths, and they’ll be doing it alone.

Winner

Civil War – The Body Pit

THIS. This was the moment that nearly made me walk out of the cinema because of how bleak it was. I’ve seen similar scenes before (in the same year, in fact), but none of them have hit as hard as this one did. It’s so good that it made me un-nominate a similar scene in Lee, because it would have been weird to have two very similar scenes in one award section.

Worst Moment

Nominees

Venom: The Last Dance – Multi-Symbiote Fight

Not because it’s a bad scene, but because it hints at a much better movie. If the script focused more on setting this up, and had “there’s multiple symbiote attached to characters we’ve grown to care about”, it could have been incredible. As it is? It feels like wasted potential.

The Whip – Here’s Our Plan

The main character explains her plan to her friend. “So where were you thinking of sneaking into?”, then gestures to the houses of parliament. My issue with this was the staging. They were walking over a bridge heading AWAY from the place they were talking about. They would have already walked towards it, walked past it, and walked away from it to set that scene up. It’s more infuriating because the next scene takes place on a bench, they could have done the whole scene from that instead.

Kraven The Hunter – Worst line ever

“She died after that, and I never saw her again”. I don’t think I need to explain why that line is terrible.

The Watched/Watchers – The Entire Third Act

The way it’s written, and the way it’s shot and scored etc leads you to believe the film is about to end. Everything about the scene says it will, then it continues for another 20 or so minutes. 20 minutes which don’t really add anything. The very definition of “and another thing”. I know this was based on a book, but there was a better way of setting it up than they did here.

Trap – Well That’s Just Bad Blocking

I want to say “every moment Saleka is onscreen” but I’m going to get very specific. There’s a shot near the end where Josh’s character is sitting down and talking, and there’s a HUGE corner of the screen being blocked off by an overhanging cupboard. In terms of shot composition, it’s hard to find anything worse in a seasoned directors work. It makes it look like he’s just poking his head around

Winner

Twisters – Near vehicular manslaughter

It feels unfair to put this in the “worst moment” section, let alone have them win it, because there are worse moments. But none negatively affected its movie as much as this one did. One of the first times we see a character, his recklessness and selfishness almost killed the main character by running her off the road. I found it REALLY difficult to like him after that. I didn’t find him charming, I found him annoying because I knew what he was capable of, the kind of person who would throw knives at you “as a joke”, the kind of prick who’d mock your recently dead family members “for the bantz”. Delete that moment, and I’d have liked him. But that few seconds? Nope.

2024 Film Awards: Day Two (The Genre)

On By troubledproductionsIn AwardsLeave a comment

Funniest/Best Comedy

Nominees

Abigail

A horror comedy with a focus mainly on comedy. The assumption that any root vegetable would work instead of garlic is hilarious. The deaths are darkly funny, and the characters are human enough that the jokes work. You won’t put it on if you need a comedy, but you are going to laugh regardless.

American Fiction

This got a huge laugh from me within a few minutes. When a very white woman says she’s not comfortable reading a book with racial slurs in, and is told by her (black) lecturer she’ll get used to it; with as much disdain as he can possibly manage. The laughs keep coming, and keep getting more inappropriate.

Deadpool And Wolverine

Yes, you can argue that Deadpools shtick is getting a bit old at this point, that the main reason you associate “red” with Deadpool isn’t because of his suit, but because that’s the colour of the flag associated with any man who says that’s his favourite character.

Seize Them!

This is not a great movie. It’s certainly not an intelligent movie, but it is funny. Sometimes all you want in life is a dumb distraction with jokes about cleaving people’s arses off and then shoving them up whatever remains of their arse. I respect a film that ends with a joke about a fatal wanking accident, perfectly sums up what the film is about.

The Fall Guy

Ryan Babygoose is a treasure and must be protected at all costs. His role in Barbie helped showcase that he’s actually pretty good at comedy, with great timing. That reputation continues with The Fall Guy; where his previous reputation as a leading man is combined with great dialogue and (lets face it) incredible stunts. You won’t remember many lines from it, but you will remember that you were thoroughly entertained.

Wicked Little Letters

America thinks of Olivia Colman as an Oscar-winning actress, which she is. Yet to British comedy fans, she will always be Sophie from Peep Show; a foul-mouthed ball of disgust and anger. It’s great to see her slip back into these roles, and part of that is due to how much of a surprise it must be to American audiences. Truth be told, Wicked Little Letters doesn’t reach the heights it can, but it is comedic enough to be worth watching. It’s not Olivia, the supporting cast get their laughs too; backed up by a very believable script.

Winner

Boy Kills World

Obviously the voice of Archer was going to suit a voiceover in a comedic action movie. Skarsgard has tremendous physical comedic reactions, but it’s really H. Jon Benjamin that makes it work. Part of that is his performance, but the script is tremendous. Voice-over is sort of an easy way to get laughs because you don’t have to worry about other characters hearing them, so you can say whatever without it affecting the script. At times it’s ridiculous, but it’s always entertaining.

Worst Comedy

Dear Santa

The main issue here is one of tone. It feels like they had two or three different screenwriters and none of them could decide what kind of comedy they’d make, and they made no effort to talk to each other to make a cohesive script. It veers from “this is a joke for 15 year olds” to kids comedy sometimes in the same scene.

Red One

Again, a question of tone. Christmas movies are allowed to veer a little young, but this takes the cookie. I don’t mind dumb, but this is borderline insulting.

The Whip

The script is fine—it’s the strongest part. But the performances (one in particular) are distractingly bad. There are also some really weird directorial choices that take audience members out. The most egregious example is when they walk past the place they plan to rob just so they can do the “turn around” reveal. From our point of view, it’s a reveal, but from the characters? It was in their periphery for most of the conversation.

Unfrosted

Just because you have a successful television show doesn’t mean your success will translate to film. None of the four cast members (nor co-creator Larry David) have managed to transition to film with much success. Unfrosted doesn’t break that streak. It wants to be Airplane, but is more like an air crash. It has too many different comedians all vying for space, with none of them doing enough to stand out. It is REALLY funny, but it’s also too forgettable for me to really recommend.

Winner

The Garfield Movie

Speaking of successful television that has not managed to transition to movies; Garfield. Part of that is down to Chris Pratt. He’s trying too hard, he’s not sardonic, he’s happy. The whole film is actually far too happy. It reminds me of the casting call for Artemis Fowl which described him as a happy child who spreads joy. There’s weird sci-fi elements that don’t suit the franchise. It feels like nobody involved actually wanted to make a Garfield movie.

Scariest/Best Horror

Abigail

Abigail is a movie of inconsistency. The heist elements at the start seem incredibly dated and ineffective. The horror moments? Now they’re pretty cool. I like when horror movies have an elegance towards them, especially vampire ones. Abigail is full of elegance, to the point where it feels like the movie isn’t so much happening, as floating through your consciousness. The scene where the titular character dances with a corpse is particularly creepy and wonderful.

I Saw The TV Glow

I was hesitant to count this as a horror movie. It’s not traditionally “scary”, but it has to be said there is something incredibly unsettling about it. The visuals, the music, it all adds up to something that will stay with you long after the credits roll. There’s something oddly ethereal about the whole experience, it’s akin to being hypnotised to sadness; draining you of any joy you have.

Late Night With The Devil

Yes, you’ll be able to telegraph every single story beat and twist. But you will still be unsettled by how well that cliches are pulled off. Yes, the scares are basic, but it’s effective. The old-school filter makes it feel like we’re voyeuristically viewing something forbidden. This isn’t a “watch alone at night and be terrified” movie, it’s a “watch with others and share that scared experience”, a bit like the parade of slashers that were released in the 90s, but much better.

Immaculate/The First Omen

I’m linking these two because they’re very similar. It’s highly unlikely there’s anybody who only likes one of them. They’re similar not just in terms of themes and styles, but also the scares. I recommend them both, but The Omen first because the way it ties into the first one makes it slightly more interesting; it also has one of my favourite jump scares of all time. Immaculate leans more into body horror, but not so much so that it’s defined by it. It’s difficult to separate them, but thankfully I don’t need to.

Winner

Alien: Romulus

There are different types of horror movies, there are ones which fuck your head up for days and mentally scar you (hello The VVitch), some are technically horror movies but are more entertaining than scary (Scream etc), and some are just hateful and gross (Thanksgiving). Then there’s Romulus, which is a masterclass of tension. There are times when it amps up the action and it becomes an action movie, but those moments are few and far between. Mostly, it’s slow-burn tension which leaves you on the edge of your seat. The Alien franchise is full of iconography which does half the job for you; once you see that familiar shape you’re already set up to be scared. The payoff still needs to be effective though, and Romulus pulls it off. The Xenomorphs are absolutely terrifying in this, coming off as something you don’t so much defeat as survive and escape from. THIS is the Alien we’ve been taught to fear, and with good reason.

Worst Horror

Nominees

AfrAId

This feels like they had nothing past the original idea. The idea is good, and is very timely. But the script itself is lacking. The trouble is, the characters can only exist within a horror movie. There’s no justification for some of the behaviour and character decisions outside of “this is creepy”. It’s trying SO hard to be a horror movie, that it ends up failing at being one because you can see the machinations too clearly.

Imaginary

This had so much potential. They could have gone literally anywhere with it, instead, they went so generic that if it was a meal it would be plain porridge. There are some neat moments, but nowhere near enough to justify its existence. It doesn’t play up the whole “child imagination” to its fullest extent. Think of Among The Sleep, how that managed to take childhood perspectives and fears, then transcend them to be fearful to adults. There’s none of that here.

The Watchers/Watched

Again, this had a lot of potential. For the majority of the runtime I was sitting there thinking “this is fine, nothing special but not too bad”. As it got to the end (as defined by cinematic language) I put my coat on and got ready to leave.

It continued, for a LONG time. The entire final third act feels tacked on. I remember when I saw Avatar 2: More Avatar, and there was a specific moment where you could feel the air get sucked out of the room. This was close to that, and the only reason it’s not closer is because nobody cared about this damn movie in the first place.

Tarot

It feels like every year we get a horror movie based on curses. They all have the exact same aesthetic, the same characters, and the same plot points. They’re essentially indistinguishable from each other. They’re usually all shit (this, Wish Upon, Truth Or Dare, which I’m double annoyed about because Truth Or Scare was right there). This is no different. They all have the same problem; characters who are so dimensional that they’re essentially Flintstones characters, lazy writing, generic soundtracks. There is nothing to make this stand out from any other similar films. I think even if you had the director at gunpoint, they couldn’t finish the sentence “you need to watch Tarot because……”

The Crow

I went in with low expectations but holy fuck! It couldn’t even match those. I thought it might be, at the very least, watchable. Barely.

Trap

A movie that disregards its most interesting premise. It’s called “Trap”, it’s about someone who is Trapped, he leaves the building. It would have been much more interesting if he was actually trapped, and the whole movie took place in the building. It would be incredibly tense and dramatic. Instead, we get a film so generic that if it was a colour, it would be light beige.

Winner

Night Swim

This movie is fucking stupid, and isn’t even fun enough to make up for that. I know for some of these, I have written an entire paragraph. Night Swim doesn’t deserve that.

2024 In Film: Day Two (The Bad)

On By troubledproductionsIn Year round upLeave a comment

Films which are very bad, but at least have one thing I like about them

AfrAId
Ups: REALLY good soundtrack.
Downs: Loses faith in its own story.
Best Performer: Katherine Waterston
Best Moment: The enforced car crash. It killed a creepy sex pest, so yay.
Worst Moment: There’s a REALLY bad edit where it cuts straight from characters driving to them parked up and one of them exiting the car.
Opening: An AI poem. It’s weirdly haunting and beautiful. Then some music that reminded me of Portal. Overall, it was a much stronger start than I thought it would have. Yes, the characters are there just as fodder, but the opening actually references them as missing people, continuity!
Closing: The family decide to treat the AI like my family treats me: they don’t like it but they’ll just live with it for now.
Best Line: I’ve seen a lot in my life. They didnt’ even have ipads when I was born.
Original review here

Garfield
Ups: One or two funny moments.
The animation of the humans looks good.
Some cute small references.
Downs: Have the writers ever read a Garfield strip?
Best Performer: Brett Goldstein
Best Moment: The acorn-as-phone.
Worst Moment: The train fight/rescue.
Opening: A funky happy song. Because when you think “Garfield” you think happy and funky.
Closing: A hostage swap
Best Line: “I really hope this works otherwise she’ll put us down; with her words and cutting insults”.
Original review here

Imaginary
Ups: Some half-decent moments of tension.
Good idea.
Downs: It feels like a tribute act to better horror movies.
Nothing stands out.
Best Performer: Pyper Braun
Best Moment: The bit where they first enter the Never Ever is pretty cool and inventive. Reminded me of Among The Sleep
Worst Moment: To open the door the characters need to feel pain. Physical pain isn’t enough so one of the characters engages in a brutal speech to her stepdaughter. It’s not brutal enough. Harsher sentences are said throughout.
Opening: Woman being stalked through a house at night by a standard evil thing. It’s well made, it’s just not really anything we haven’t seen before. The opening credits are much better though. A bunch of family home movies. It’s so sweet and really plays up the idea of a family unit. THAT gives us a much better idea of tone than the actual scene with dialogue did.
Closing: Sequel bait. Eugh.
Best Line: “So your imaginary friend was a terrorist?”
Original review here

Joker: Folie A Deux
Ups: Some beautiful shots.
Good performances.
Important/interesting themes.
Downs: Those themes are VERY badly explored.
Boring.
Too bleak, stopped caring.
Wastes a lot of good ideas.
Doesn’t explore the world as much as it should.
Best Performer: Lady GaGa
Best Moment: The weird brightly coloured 60’s TV-inspired song/dream sequence.
Worst Moment: The implied prison rape.
Opening: An animated segment. Makes sense, and plays into the theme of being destroyed by your shadow. But doesn’t suit the films tone.
Closing: He dies. So the two films called “Joker” weren’t actually about the Joker.
Best Line: I couldn’t go back to work. I still can’t sleep and I’m scared all the time. I never used to be scared. I’m scared right now, here. With you in front of me. I couldn’t do anything that day. I felt so small. I was reminded how powerless I really am.
Original review here

Kraven The Hunter
Ups: Bloody.
Some fairly decent fight scenes.
Downs: Boring soundtrack.
Inconsistent accents.
Bad CGI
Badly written script.
Disservice to the character
Best Performer: Russell Crowe. He’s hamming it up, but you have to.
Best Moment: The death of The Foreigner. Oh god, that sounds wrong.
Worst Moment: “She died after that, and I never saw her again”. Was the dialogue in this movie written by AI?
Opening: Kraven in prison, hunting. Shows what Aaron Taylor-Johnson can do, for better and worse. Physical performance: good. Accent: Bad. Does show what this film has going for it; blood.
Closing: His brother has now become confident, and a villain. A villain we will not see because the franchise is deader than Uncle Ben.
Best Line: My father puts evil into the world. I take it out.
Original review here

Madame Web
Ups: It starts with a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song and ends with a Cranberries one, just ignore everything else and you’ll have a good time.
Downs: A waste of the character.
Characters change personalities depending on the scene.
Dakota Johnson.
Best Performer: Adam Scott.
Best Moment: A car quickly drives away, turning as it does so. The shot is a standard “snow gets kicked up into the air by a speeding tyre”, but with broken glass. It looks absolutely stunning and may be one of my favourite shots of the year. It cannot be overstated how good it is. That shot, and ONLY that shot, is why this movie wasn’t in the “awful” section.
Worst Moment: Pepsi.
Opening: A scientist shoots a pregnant woman who then gives birth. So generic it’s barely worth having.
Closing: Madame Web is now blind but is fully clairvoyant. So whilst she can see the future, she is unable to read the reviews.
Best Line: And you know the best thing about the future? It hasn’t happened yet
Original review here

My Spy: The Eternal City
Ups: Anna Farris is bae.
Good charisma.
Has Ashnikko on the soundtrack, gets points for that.
I’m assuming kids will like it.
Downs: The separation moment between the two leads doesn’t seem legit.
Unnecessary.
Assumes you remember more more of the previous film than most people would.
Best Performer: Either Farris or Chloe.
Best Moment: The villain reveal. It is possible I’m an idiot but I didn’t expect it.
Worst Moment: The bodyguard explained how he killed JJ’s friends, family and fish. Kind of came out of nowhere.
Opening: He’s now a bodyguard watching over a singer. It sets this up in about 5 seconds. Plane-based action sequence where he beats up a flight attendant. Sophie (his daughter) saves the day using a flight suit. I don’t remember the first film, but I can’t recall it being quite as dumb as this is. But that’s okay as it then turns out to be a dream sequence. A weird choice to open up on a dream sequence, especially in an action movie as it makes it difficult to manage expectations.
Closing: The world is saved, and two of the side characters are paired together.
Best Line: “You got me a used burner phone. Maybe I can use it to buy meth or order a hitman”
Original review here

The Watched/Watchers
Ups: Good idea.
Downs: Wastes so much potential.
Runs entirely on conveniences and luck.
Seriously, how do you now do a cool mirror/double scare?
Best Performer: Georgina Campbell.
Best Moment: The mirror being cracked, very unsettling.
Worst Moment: The entire third act. Unnaturally stretches the runtime.
Opening: Mina’s manager sends her to deliver a bird to someone. There’s NO indication of how that person reacted to not getting their delivery when she went missing. In fact, there’s no reaction to her going missing at all. That sums up my issues with The Watched; if you think about it for more than a minute thenTh it falls apart.
Closing: Mina convinces Madeline not to kill her, with the power of love.
Best Line: Try not to die
Original review here

The Watched a.k.a The Watchers (2024) Review

On By troubledproductionsIn ReviewLeave a comment

Quick synopsis: A guilt-ridden American is trapped in an Irish forest when she is shepherded into a mysterious dwelling with three strangers, all being watched by strange creatures in the night.

I hadn’t planned on watching this, I only decided to see it because it started 10 minutes after another film I saw at the cinema ended. As I watched The Watched unfold I was slightly disappointed with many of the script choices. I didn’t want to be too harsh on it though, this was obviously a story told by a first-time Irish storyteller and as such I felt I needed to be more encouraging than dismissive. Then the end credits started (about 10-20 minutes after they should have) and I saw the words “directed by Ishana Night Shyamalan” and that need for encouraging and forgiving of mistakes disappeared like a shot of piss in a swimming pool. Yes, she is still a first-time director, but she’s a first-time director with access that no other first-timer would get. She’s in a position most people would kill for, and needs to justify it. This needed to be incredible to wash away any claims of nepotism.

It’s not incredible. Nothing in the script or the directing justifies the chance she has been given. It’s 102 minutes long, which is about 90 minutes longer than it deserves. At times it felt like most of that 90 minutes was spent on expositional dialogue. There’s no attempt to make these moments interesting visually. That’s a shame as there are parts which look pretty damn good, the moment where the creatures first stand up and stretch is haunting and wonderful. There are a lot of moments when it’s too dark to see anything, especially with the exterior shots.

My biggest issue is the script. It’s a mess. There are plot holes so big you could drive a truck through them. I also get the feeling that the Night Shyamalan family assume audiences are idiots and must be directly told every piece of information because just seeing it unfold in front of us isn’t enough. I haven’t been spoonfed so forcefully since I was in a high chair.

The third act is one of the worst I’ve seen in a long time. At one point I genuinely picked my bag up because the cinematic and narrative language was telling me “okay the film is ending in a few minutes”, there’s then another entire 10-20 minute section that kills the minimal momentum it had. I get why she went with the ending she did, it fleshes out one of the characters, and layers over a few of the smaller plot holes. But it could have been done a lot sooner. Spoilers btw.

Okay so three of the characters escape the forest, they fall asleep on a boat and drift away until they wake up near the main city. They then all split up and go about their day, one of whom (the main character, played by a Dakota Fanning who’s underacting to the extent it barely registers more than if she didn’t turn up at all) has made it clear she plans to go to the university and destroy the research into fairies/the watchers that another character (The Professor) has written. Now, one of the other survivors (played by the brilliant Olwen Fouere) turns out to be The Professor’s dead wife so is actually a Watcher who now plans to kill more humans in revenge for fairies being forced underground. So she was on a boat with two humans she’s spent a lot of time with, and didn’t think to quietly sink the boat and escape onto land? She’s spent enough time with both of them so that she can change to look like them, and thus gain access to more people. Plus it would stop Dakota’s character from finding out the truth about her.

There is sooooo much wasted potential. So The Watchers want to watch humans so they can best imitate them, and they watch them through a mirrored window, with numerous shots of the humans standing next to the mirrors and looking at their own reflections. You know what shot DOESN’T happen in this film? A split shot of someone in the building looking at their Watcher double with the two of them being similar but different (as was done a few times in Us). WHY would you not have that shot? Surely the only reason to make this film is so you can wow people with that shot? It reminds me of the end of Glass where the whole thing was building up to a fight scene that then didn’t happen just because the writer wanted to trick the audience and subvert expectations. Sometimes expectations are there for a reason, and you can only subvert expectations if you replace it with something good. You can’t just cut it and then be like “We didn’t do what you thought! Surprise”. Its why food places that offer surprise menus still offer plates of actual food as the surprises, as opposed to if a Shyamalan did it, in which case you’d be served a plate of burnt pornography with rat droppings sprinkled over it. Just give me f*cking food.

I should probably add that due to personal reasons, I don’t think I’m ready to watch a horror film where a young male called Daniel dies. But even without that personal bias, this is still shit. At most, that bias knocked it down a 0.1 mark. Which considering I don’t give marks out of 10, doesn’t really matter.