Quick Synopsis: When his beloved wife, Kathryn, is suspected of betraying the nation, intelligence agent George Woodhouse faces the ultimate test — loyalty to his marriage or his country.

I think I may be a terrible film-watcher. There are some directors who I just never vibe with, and three of them are critically acclaimed. There’s Paul Thomas Anderson, there’s Wes Anderson (with the exception of Fantastic Mr. Fox and Isle Of Dogs, which would make you think my issue is his live-action visuals, nope, it’s the dialogue), and there’s Steven Soderbergh. I do like some of his stuff, but there are also a few things he’s done which I just haven’t vibed with; Presence was pretty but dull, Unsane was a gimmick, and I didn’t find Logan Lucky as charming as everyone else seemed to.

That doesn’t change with Black Bag, which, whilst I didn’t actively dislike, I was thoroughly underwhelmed by. There are a lot of moments to like, but in a big film like this, it’s weird that my favourite moments were the smallest. There’s a dinner party early on which is superb in terms of scripting and character dynamics. I love dinner parties in movies. They’re so fun to watch because they easily allow group conversation, and there are certain unspoken etiquette rules that it’s fun to watch get broken. Away from those small moments? It falters. The central McGuffin is so underbaked it’s liable to give you salmonella. It’s weird that “government agencies tried to implement a plan that would create a nuclear melton that would kill thousands of innocent civilians” is the least important part of this movie. There’s seemingly no discussion about whether it’s the right thing to do, barely a sentence on how they need to keep the plan hidden because revealing it would cause world war 3. There’s not even much discussion on the war the plan would be stopping. It’s a trolly problem which is only briefly glanced at, and never investigated. It doesn’t even seem that interested in investigating its own themes. A key point in the trailer is “If your job is lying to everyone, how can a couple trust each other?”. Which is an interesting theme to look into. Black Bag refuses to do so. The relationship between George and Kathryn is barely dented, let alone shattered. You never really get a sense that they don’t trust each other. Their utter devotion to each other is never shown as being at risk of being broken. Which is very sweet and all, but utterly uninteresting in an espionage movie.

Fassbender and Blanchett do have great chemistry though. You really buy them as a couple. Every scene the two share is filled with an air of “the second the camera turns off, these characters are gonna fuck”. In fact, all the performances were good. Which actually hurts, because it’s a shame they’re wasted in this. I’m still waiting for Rege-Jean Page to break through and become a household name because he already carries himself like one.

The performances are definitely the best part of Black Bag. As I said, the script is lacking (but I have a huge appreciation for how quick it starts, it goes from “opening credits” to “your wife is possibly a mole” within minutes), and it’s nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is (or it needs to be), and the music is forgettable. I also wasn’t a fan of the visuals, which can best be described as “staring at street lights after going swimming in a heavily chlorinated pool”.

Normally for spy films, I’d say it needs to go bigger. But Black Bag needs to go smaller; ignore the trolly problem, ignore the international satellite surveillance, and don’t bother with the money transferred to a bank account. Just have the whole thing as the initial dinner party, have it take place in real-time, and the secrets spread over the three courses. Yes, it would be a lot riskier, but it would allow Black Bag to focus on its strengths, which are the looks at the minutiae of spy work.