2023 Film Awards Day One: The Moments

Best Opening

Godzilla: Minus One – Godzilla kills an island
A really effective way of showing what makes this iteration of the ‘Zilla from nowhere near Manilla different. He is not a protector of the planet or something interested in creating balance within the ecosystem. He is a monster that wants to fuck shit up.
They Killed Tyrone – Dated Credits
This is a weird film, so you’d think a suitable opening would also be weird. Nope, it’s relatively normal. But it does SUCH a good job of setting up the themes and tone that it’s hard to think of how it could have been better. The film slowly reveals its weirdness as it does so to the characters. There are hints as to what will happen, but if it didn’t go in the direction it ended up going, nobody would have complained that they were misled.
Napoleon – The Execution
Does a good job of setting up his motivations (even though his being there was fictional and created for the film). Also, it’s nice to see an execution not be bloodless. It sets up expectations that when soldiers die, it’s not going to shy away from showing how graphic that could be.
The Night Of The 12th – Most Murders Go Unsolved
You can’t claim the ending surprised you when it opens with that.
Saw X – Nothing
Saw films normally start schlocky and violent. This one takes its time to set the story up. It’s incredibly mature for a Saw movie and sets it above anything else the franchise has made.
Shazam! Fury Of The Gods – The gods kill a bunch of people
This was not a good movie, but this section was good, it was creepy, set the villains up as threats, and wasn’t stupid. If the rest of the film matched the quality of the opening, it would have been better than the first, instead, we just got a bloated, tonal mess.

Winner
Scream VI – Ghostfake
You watch a slasher movie, especially Scream, and you know how it’s opening; we see a character, who gets murdered, credits. The Scream franchise has done a better job than most of playing with that; in the first one, the victim was played by Drew Barrymore, who was not only the biggest actor in the film, but also was all over the marketing so people thought she was a main character. The fourth one had a multitude of meta fakeouts that annoyed some, but I loved it. Finally, the fifth one had the person attacked actually survive. So really, you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re surprised, which makes the way they did this one perfect. By unmasking a Ghostface this early, it instantly puts you on edge and makes you wonder what else they’ll do, after killing Dewey in the last one, is Gail safe? All bets are off, and the opening proves it.

Worst Opening

A Man Called Otto – Otto Arguing
It’s supposed to show how he’s determined and feels lost in the modern world. But really it just makes him seem like a massive prick. Low-level staff cannot change or bypass store policies for chain stores, so if you yell at them about store policies or prices, you’re an asshole.
Good Burger 2- Musical Opening
Mainly because the performer’s voice isn’t really suited for it, plus there’s a much better potential opening a few scenes later. The fire demonstration would have been a much better choice and would have demonstrated how things have changed, rather than the one they use which just seems to make comparisons to the original and makes it feel like nothing has changed except the actor is now older.
We Have A Ghost – Family Leaves House Scared
It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, and seen better. It lacks any sense of originality. I don’t get why this was deemed suitable for the opening sequence of a horror comedy. It’s not funny, or scary. It’s just, well, kind of dull.

Winner
65 – Everybody Dies
I got what they were going for, but it didn’t work at all. In fact, it just wasted a lot of potential. It delivers the information far too quickly to be effective. We don’t know any of the crew members who died, so all their deaths mean absolutely nothing.

Best Moment

Barbie – The Monologue
There were a lot of moments to choose from in this, it was a great film. I chose this moment because it’s the most important part. It encapsulates the best of what Barbie achieves; it’s the kind of dialogue which can only be written by a writer who is either a woman or is paying a lot of attention. It’s important, but also doesn’t feel overly preachy. It’s the jokes and the performances that draw people in, but it’s this moment which will stick with young girls for years to come.
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret – Laura
A scene that is still sadly relevant today, when the hero learns the lesson “don’t slut-shame”. Throughout the story, the character of Laura has been met with rumour and innuendo. In reality, she’s still a child, just one that developed quicker than her peers, and she feels ostracised and scared because of it. It’s played perfectly too, with the realisation from the main character that everything she believed about this girl was a lie. It also leads to a VERY cute moment of them all playing together.
Godzilla: Minus One – Attack On Ginza
I LOVED this movie, it was brutal, it was intense, and it was also very human. The attack on Ginza was the best way to show all of what made it work. It shows Godzilla as a seemingly unkillable monster who is capable of destruction, and it shows the relationship between Koichi and Noriko. The nuclear explosion at the end was also PERFECT for the themes. Japan is a country still going through Hiroshima PTSD, so for Godzilla to cause that again is absolutely harrowing for the residents.
Missing – The Twist
I love a good twist. Especially one that you know means that the next time you watch the film you’re going to spot the little clues that led up to it. This has all the hallmarks of a good twist; it’s surprising, but once you know of it you realise that the real answer was staring you right in the face the entire time. A bad twist overshadows the film so that once you know it, there’s nothing else to the story. The twist for Missing doesn’t do that, it increases your love for it, because of how damn well it’s written.

Winner
Spider-man: Across The Spider-Verse – Canon Events
Anything that reminds me of Whatever Happened To The Caped Crusader is a good thing in my books. The explanation is that Spider-Man is caused by trauma, so if you stop that, you actually make the universe worse off. It’s a lot of responsibility for the character to take on, but you know he’s going to anyway because that’s what he does.

Worst Moment

Assassin Club – What The Falk?
They build a character (Falk) as a mysterious big deal. They discuss how nobody knows who they are, and how their complete existence is a mystery. In the very next scene, the main characters get a phone call which is basically “Hi, I’m Falk. I’m an x year old white female who likes long walks on the beach and my address is…”. So what was the point of building up a mystery if you’re going to solve it that quickly? You go from knowing nothing to knowing enough about her to commit identity theft, and that’s not a joke, Jim!
Saw X – Trap Conclusions
Most of the traps feel too timed-based. Many of the characters nearly make it and if they were given 5 seconds more would have escaped the traps. This goes against Jigsaw’s modus operandi of testing people; technically they did pass the test and proved how much they were willing to sacrifice, but because they were slightly slower than Jigsaw thought they should be, they died.
Slotherhouse – The Death Of Mayflower
Goes on too long. Isn’t funny enough to justify its length, and she doesn’t seem to be taking her impending death that seriously.
The Marvels – Singing Planet
It’s a bit unfair to have this listed as the worst moment. But when you compare what it was, to what it could have been, then the reason it’s here is clear. It could have ended up being one of the cinematic highlights. It could have been fun, infectious, and unique. At the very least it could have been memorable. I can forgive noble failures, but I can’t forgive doing nothing, and it feels that’s what they did here.

Winner
Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania – M.O.D.O.K
I’m not that familiar with M.O.D.O.K. as a character, but I assume we’re supposed to take him somewhat seriously? It doesn’t help that when I look at M.O.D.O.K I don’t see a “Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing”, I see Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It doesn’t help that the CGI is awful and just looks ridiculous. A budget this big should not result in things that look this stupid. To be fair, I don’t think there is a way to make a giant human head look threatening, so there’s not much they could have done to help that. Well, they could have just kept the fucking mask on and NOT SHOW THE ACTUAL FACE. It was close between this and the Assassin Club moment. What puts this one ahead is that take that scene out, and Assassin Club would still be a shit film, AMATWQ would be improved soooo much without this scene. So whilst the Assassin Club scene is worse, this one does more damage.

Best Closing

Apocalypse Clown – Garth Brooks
There are many ways to end an apocalyptic story, but it takes a brave story to end it with “yeah the world didn’t end, the electrics were just wiped by a power surge caused by a Garth Brooks concert”. It risks making it feel like what we’ve seen was a waste of time. Or it comes off as hilarious and farcical, this is more in the second category. It’s completely ridiculous and silly, I loved it.
Cassandro – Conversation With His Father
Cassandro sometimes fails to show the homophobia that the man went through in his life. So it’s good to see scenes like this, scenes which remind you of the pain he had to go through to live his life. Scenes which have actual humanity and emotion.
Strays – Doug Gets Bit In The Dick
Incredibly satisfying and cathartic. Throughout the film there’s a slight worry that Doug will be rehabilitated or forgiven, instead, he gets put through a lot of pain in the final scenes, and it’s a lot of fun to see. Nobody watching the film will like Doug, so nobody will be sad to see what happens to him.
Aftersun – It Ends
The dad says goodbye to his daughter at the airport and then shuts the camera off. I know that sounds boring and meaningless, but in the context of this, it’s incredibly powerful and will bring a tear to your eye.
Holy Spider – The Execution
He thought he was going to get away with it but turns out his friends had sold him out. I like the fact that he died afraid, and the irony of him being killed by lack of oxygen is nice to see. That should have been how it ended, as it was, it carried on to her on a couch watching videos. Disappointing. Or so I thought. But then she watches videos of his son, and he’s talking about how he plans to continue his dad’s work; demonstrating how his dad killed them, like he was doing something great. Demonstrating on his sister. Thankfully just a soft recreation, not actually killing her. But it’s still horrific to watch in terms of what it implies about societal bullshit.
Pearl – Smiling Through The Pain
It’s just her smiling through the closing credits. It’s incredibly unsettling and puts you on edge.

Winner
Killers Of The Flower Moon – What Happened Next
It’s just the director on stage, speaking about what happened next to all the characters we’ve just seen. Ordinarily, that would be lazy. But it’s done like they’re recording a radio drama, so we see the sound artists creating sound effects live etc. It’s incredibly daring, and in a lesser film would have sunk it faster than the Titanic (I fast-forwarded through that film, the whole thing takes five minutes, right?). But Scorcese makes it work. Some endings are perfect for the story, some are clever, and very few are as PERFECT as this. Absolute genius.

Worst Closing

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish – Sequel Hook
It’s a shame, as a lot of this film is far superior to many of the previous films in the Shrek franchise, this is the only time it ever really feels like a Dreamworks film. Cheap, lazy, and completely unsatisfying.
Shazam! Fury Of The Gods – Billy Comes Back To Life
I’m not a fan of sacrifices meaning nothing. Especially when it feels unearned. If it’s foreshadowed, like in Scott Pilgrim where he earns an extra life early in the film. But in this? Wonder Woman just appears, fixes the problem for no reason, and then leaves.
Hypnotic – The Villain Has Survived
Narratively unsatisfying. It makes sense in the story they’re telling, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to watch. A similar thing happened in Spider-Man, but we know that’s getting a sequel. Plus, the rest of that film was good. If Hypnotic was better, then the ending would be acceptable, as it is, it’s just a disappointing dessert to a letdown of a dinner.
Ferrari – Unhappy Ending
The wife dies and finally, his illegitimate son can be recognised as his heir. This is seen as a happy ending, but really it just feels kind of mean. It kind of backs up my theory that the writers saw her as the villain of the film, rather than a woman who was cheated on and emotionally abused for decades.
Cat Person – Here We Go Again
It looks like she’s going to go through the same cycle again and again, so she’s not developed as a character. Kind of makes it feel like the entire film is a massive waste of time
The Flash – George Clooney
If the DCEU was going to continue, I’d be into this, as we’d be getting a sequel showing the new world that Barry Allen is now in. But because the series won’t continue, we’re just left with an unfinished story. It reminds me of the ending of Tim Burton’s Planet Of The Apes, only more annoying because it links into an already established universe.

Winner

Scream VI – Reveal/everyone lives
Scream is a slasher franchise, but it is also at its core, a murder mystery. Part of the fun has always been to piece together clues to work out who the killer is. That’s part of why the third one gets so much vitriol, because the reveal feels unearned compared to the others. I am one of the few people who will defend the reveal in the third movie, I won’t defend the one in this one though. It’s far too obvious. Horror screenwriters/directors must realise that every audience realises that if a named character dies offscreen in a slasher movie, they’re not dead. If the film cuts away before they die; the odds are that person is still alive. With that in mind, the reveal of the killers isn’t just obvious, it’s the only possible solution. The other thing that annoyed me about the ending of this is that all the core members of the group survive, even with one of them being stabbed multiple times. If this is where the studio wants to go, then the future does not look bright for this franchise. And that’s before the director of Scream VII leaving, and the absence of two of the main stars, one for scheduling reasons, and one for committing the heinous crime of saying genocide is bad.

2023 In Film: Day Three (The Not Great)

Dream Scenario

Ups: Unique concept

Good performances

Downs: Kind of dull.

Lacks purpose

Doesn’t seem to know where it wants to take the story

Best Moment: The fart joke.

Worst Moment: The sex scene leading up to that is kind of uncomfortable and not needed.

Best Performer: Cage

Opening: Cage’s daughter dreams of him standing by watching as she floats into the air. It’s a dream, surprisingly.

Closing: Cage transports into his wife’s dream and saves her, while wearing a giant suit.

Best Line: Do you think I could handle the emotional burden of having an affair?

Original Review here

Five Nights At Freddy’s

Ups: The central relationship between the siblings is fantastic.

The animatronics.

Intriguing narrative.

Downs: Feels too neutered.

The universe it creates doesn’t feel real.

How did Afton get a job after killing those kids? Even if you do the “he just changed his name and got fake identification”, the fact he looks like the main suspect in a mass murder case would have raised suspicion.

Constantly reminds you of better films

Best Moment: The fake-out death with Rubio’s character. You do wonder if they would kill a child.

Worst Moment: The reveal of the child murders. Mainly because that kind of thing would become a local legend, so people who live there would know about it, especially if the building was still there.

Best Performer: Piper Rubio

Opening: A security guard is murdered. Lets you know immediately what type of film this is; bloodless and without any sense of tension.

Closing: Everybody smiles and lives together. Oh, and the villain somehow isn’t dead because they want a sequel.

Best Line: “And you only have to worry about one thing. Keeping people out. And, and you know, and keep the place tidy.”

“That’s two things”

Original Review here

Good Burger 2

Ups: Some delightfully dumb dialogue, almost Airplane/Paddington-esque

Unlike the first one, it doesn’t have creepy Dan Schneider.

Downs: The characters haven’t developed since the first one.

Thinks the first one is much more iconic than it is

Very basic plot.

Best Moment: The “rousing speech” which is just Ed standing silently. Somehow, it manages to inspire everybody.

Worst Moment: The car chase scene, mainly because there are some really weird shot choices, random quick cutaways of glasses of water etc before they’re hit.

Best Performer: Kamala Fairburn

Opening: Ed opens up the burger place and starts a musical intro. I don’t want to be rude, but his voice isn’t suited for this. It then turns out he’s been dreaming and he wakes up being shouted at by Pete Davidson. Then see a scene of Dexter as an inventor who burns his house down demonstrating a fireproof spray. I think the fire scene would have been a better opener, it’s more engaging

Closing: Good Burger is reopened, and permanent ice has been invented. An obvious ending. The credit sequence of everyone singing We’re All Dudes is fun though. Especially since they seemed to get the crew in too.

Best Line: “He’s allergic to hippos”

Original Review here

Hypnotic

Ups: Well-performed.

Smarter than you’d think.

Keeps you on your toes.

Downs: Feels a bit too similar to other films which have been done much better

Hard to get emotionally invested.

Wastes potential

Best Moment: The rugpull. Superbly done.

Worst Moment: The post-credits scene. Feels a little optimistic setting up for a sequel.

Best Performer: Affleck

Opening: Affleck in therapy. Whilst watching this I thought this was a mistake, that they should have led with the bank robbery. But when the twist is revealed, I get why they did this.

Closing: The villain has survived. We thought he didn’t, but that was just because we saw a version warped by hypnosis. Not a surprise, but is narratively unsatisfying.

Best Line: I love you… don’t ask me why

Original Review here

Meg 2: The Trench

Ups: Some creative shots

If you like the first one, you’ll like this

Dumb, in an entertaining way

Downs: Doesn’t do enough to stand out

Should be bloodier

Doesn’t feel like a Wheatley film

Depends on you being able to remember a lot from the first film

Best Moment: The exosuit death. Shocking.

Worst Moment: The revelation of the villain, feels too obvious.

Best Performer: Shuya Sophia Cal

Opening: Dinosaurs killing each other.

Closing: The Meg might be pregnant. Sequel!

Best Line: After last time, y’all begged me to come back. “DJ, oh, we family, DJ. DJ, we need you.” Yeah, all right. Bet. But I ain’t stupid. I trained up, I learned how to fight, I learned how to swim, and I will never go anywhere without my survival pack

Original Review here

Talk To Me

Ups: Some good scares

Shows great potential for everyone involved

Downs: Doesn’t quite live up to what it could be.

Best Moment: Riley attempting suicide. Horrific.

Worst Moment: The possession party, only because they could be combined into one.

Best Performer: Sophie Wilde

Opening: A stabbing at a house party. Bit weird as doesn’t show enough to add to the story, it just introduces characters who never matter again. I got what they were going for, but didn’t work for me.

Closing: Mia is dead and finds herself summoned at a party. So we see what it’s like from the spirits’ side.

Best Line: “I let you in”

Original review here

We Have A Ghost

Ups: Has some funny moments.

Has heart.

Good cast

Downs: Odd sup-plots

Not enough funny moments to sustain it.

Best Moment: The TikTok response. It feels so real and how people would respond. It’s also one of the few “goes viral” moments in horror movies that feels legit.

Worst Moment: The Tig Notaro sub-plot, mainly because it goes nowhere.

Best Performer: David Harbour. Mainly because he does the whole thing without saying a word.

Opening: Static shot of a family running out of a house scared. Then the title card. It’s nothing we haven’t seen a hundred times before and it’s weird that THIS was how they chose to open it. A horror comedy has to nail the opening, and there’s nothing here which can be considered a joke or a scare in the opening. They then played the Jim Cornette theme song, which was the first laugh it got from me, and that was completely unintentional.

Closing: “Ernest” moves on. Expected, and very predictable. But handled so well. Annoyingly, it then moves on to another scene of the family moving house. That coda slightly broke the flow. It’s annoying as there’s a personal reveal that is nice to see and completes a narrative, so that’s needed. I just feel the place for it is wrong. If they swapped the scenes over it might have had a slightly better flow.

Best Line: “When your kids are little it’s easy to be a parent. They don’t see who you actually are, they just see the good stuff, what you want them to see. But eventually, as they grow up parts of yourself that you don’t like become harder and harder to hide”

Original Review here

Your Place Or Mine

Ups: I like the way she shoots phone calls. It does a standard split screen, but they’re all in sync.

Interesting idea.

Downs: Actors aren’t playing to their strengths.

The actors don’t share chemistry.

Everybody involved is capable of better.

Doomed by the concept.

Best Moment: The argument scene. Really creatively shot.

Worst Moment: The inciting incident seems too fake.

Best Performer: Notaro

Opening: “It’s 2003. How can we tell?” it then points to early 2000’s fashion choices made by the characters. It’s a fun opening. Even more so when the guy keeps interrupting sex to talk about short stories he’s written.

Closing: “They lived happily ever after. Just kidding, marriage is hard, but they had a good life”

Best Line: “Notes on parenting from someone whose only pet was a goldfish that died in a bong fire”

Original Review here

Hypnotic (2023) Review

Quick synopsis: Determined to find his missing daughter, Detective Danny Rourke (Ben Affleck) finds himself facing off against experts in hypnotic suggestion.

I’m not a casual movie-goer. I’m not quite in the “I can recognise this person from a five-second clip in a movie 20 years ago”, but I don’t think it’s incorrect to say I am more passionate about movies than a large portion of the population. Because of this, I am the type of person who listens to podcasts about movies. One of my favourites (and one I’m listening to as I write this) is Sequelisers, where they talk about fixing bad films (specifically sequels, hence the title). If they did a series where they moved from sequels to just fixing general films then the episode based on this would be the shortest ever. They’d be no recasting, no changing director etc, all it would be is “Make it 20 years ago”. If this came out in 2003 it would be a much better experience.

That’s not a crazy suggestion either, Rodriguez wrote the original script back in 2002, and Ben Affleck was just coming off Pearl Harbour and The Sum Of All Fears. This would have had another advantage; it might have stopped Affleck from making Gigli and Daredevil.

This isn’t a BAD film. It has one of the best “everything you know is a lie” rug-pull I’ve seen in a long time. The swerve actually fixed two criticisms I had whilst watching, it does bring up a new criticism but I can’t go too deeply into that without spoiling the plot point, and it’s more of an “I would have preferred if it was done another way” rather than “this decision makes no sense”. The way it puts everything you’ve seen before in a new context is exactly what a twist like that should do. It could be set up better. When it happens you don’t think “Ohhhhh, that explains so much”.

Now onto the bad; the key one (for me, anyway) is this feels too much like a Nolan film, just without the Nolan flair. Although to be fair, unlike a Nolan film, it does feature some human emotion, and you can actually hear everything clearly. But the way the story is scripted brings to mind not just Inception, but also Memento. But it’s not as smart as any of those, so it feels somewhat lacking. So much of it doesn’t feel like a blockbuster, but more like a straight-to-DVD piece. Even the action set pieces feel somewhat muted. There’s a moment that brings to mind the famous “City folding over into itself” sequence from Inception, but it’s not done anywhere near as well in this. It’s a shame as the idea of people being made to see a different version of reality could lend itself to some creative scenes. Really, you could have anything. The possibilities are almost endless, but the way that Hypnotic plays out, you never really feel that. The most you get is “woah wobbly screen” whilst two men lock eyes.

The other issue I have with this is the lack of reality. Because you don’t know if anything you’re seeing is real, it’s hard to get emotionally invested. Why should you care if a character gets shot if the base assumption is that it’s not real? That’s an issue which I’m not sure how to fix, but it does severely impact the level of satisfaction you can get from the final scene.

So in summary; it’s average. The best way I can describe it is this: it feels like an adaptation of a really smart book, but they’ve missed out on a few key plot points.