Tag: Horror

Companion (2025) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A weekend getaway turns bloody and violent when a subservient android that’s built for human companionship goes haywire.

First Scream (the “new” one, not the original), now Companion. Why do female partners of Jack Quaid keep getting set on fire in horror movies? Amber Midthunder should be relieved that Novocaine will be an action movie instead of a horror (a movie I’m genuinely looking forward to by the way). On the subject of Quaid, why hasn’t anybody cast him as the son of Joshua Jackson in anything? He looks more like him than he does his own dad. Anyway, enough dilly-dallying, on with the actual review.

Companion is god damn delight. More of a thriller than it is a traditional horror movie. That doesn’t underplay the deaths by the way, when characters do die, it’s horrific. Some of the deaths are incredibly cathartic too, it’s good to see bad things happen to bad people. A lot of horror movie writers know this, but make the mistake of writing every character to be an insufferable dickbag (were there any tears for any of the characters in Unfriended outside of tears that it took so long?). In those cases, while you get catharsis, you’re also spending all your time with characters you don’t like, so it’s not an enjoyable experience. While most of the characters in Companion are unlikeable, it’s in a very human way and they’re still entertaining to watch. A lot of is due to the performances; there’s something inherently likeable about Jack Quaid even when he is being an incel douch, Harvey Guillen is too adorable for words, and Megan Suri? There’s something about her performance that is intoxicating to see, she has tremendous presence and feels like she’s destined for leading roles. It’s hard to explain why without giving away spoilers, but Lukas Cage pulls off a fascinating performance.

The story? It’s interesting. Yes, it can be argued that the trailer gives away too much, but Companion still has enough tricks up its sleeves to entertain you. You go in knowing what is happening, but the “why” is just as interesting to see play out. I like that Companion is unashamedly feminist AF, taking multiple shots at male entitlement and inadequacy. I’ve seen some defenders of the character in this, saying “he’s just lonely, why is that seen as a bad thing to want someone?” which would be a fair point, loneliness is a huge issue and one that does need a solution. But it’s very telling that when he’s asked to create his “perfect” partner, he tones down her intelligence significantly. He doesn’t want an equal partner, the robot is not to provide love or to share experiences with; it’s to fuck and to have it fawn over him.

There is a feeling that it is holding back at times. She increases her intelligence, but it doesn’t change that much of the plot (although it may be why she decides to switch language at one point in a scene which is, well it’s genius). There are other moments like that; where it comes up with a cool idea but then doesn’t do the most with it.

Those are very minor nitpicks though. Companion is among the best films I’ve seen in a while. It’s slick, stylish without being overly so, violent without being cruel, and it invites discussion and conversation. It’s smart without being pretentious, modern without risking being dated quickly, and digestible without being dumb. I want more horror movies like this. I also want to see Sophie Thatcher in more stuff, as she seems cool. On an equal level with Anya Taylor-Joy for expressive eyes perfect for horror movies. I caught a preview of this a few days before it came out, and I already know I’m going to buy it when it comes out on blu-ray.

Wolf Man (2025) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Blake Lovell (Christopher Abbot) takes his wife and kid on a vacation to his childhood home. His vacation-as-marriage-counselling efforts are somewhat thwarted by a therianthropic threat intent on killing.

I’m a fan of Christopher Abbott, based ENTIRELY on the fact that I liked the first film I saw him in (On The Count Of Three). Wolf Man having him as the lead, combined with it being made by Leigh Whannell (writer of Saw, director of The Invisible Man) got my hopes up high.

Maybe too high. I didn’t dislike Wolf Man. The last wolf-based movie I watched at the cinema was (I think, but I could be wrong) Wolf, a film so bad that I live-blogged it for Halloween a few years ago, and I haven’t live-blogged anything since. This is nowhere near as bad as that. The score on Metacritic currently stands at 50%, which seems fair. It’s as middle-of-the-road as a dead badger. Not much really stands out as either a negative or a positive.

The biggest negative for me was the story itself. The cause of the transformation feels unearned. It’s as close to “character was bitten by a zombie, but the audience doesn’t realise” as it’s possible to get. He’s in an accident, stuff happens, and he gets scratched by the “wolf” attacking him. He starts transforming later on, and you do get the feeling that you’ve missed something. It’s all the more baffling because near the end of his transformation, there is a moment where his leg is grabbed and he’s attacked. That would have made a much more logical cause for the infection, and it wouldn’t have been in the middle of a car crash scene. The reveal of who the Wolf Man that’s attacking them is is so obvious that I’m not sure it even counts as a twist. “Hmmmm, this character mysteriously disappeared 30 years ago in this very area, and now we’re being attacked by something with slight human characteristics that’s been haunting these wolves for decades. I wonder if those two things are linked?”

The visual effects are fine, I guess? Nothing will ever top An American Werewolf In London for a transformation sequence with weight and body horror, there are moments where Wolf Man comes close, but then there are also moments where it looks a little bit goofy.

On the plus side, the performances are good, Abbot is good enough that you forgive him for Kraven The Hunter (although I completely forgot he was even in that), the biggest issue I have with Matilda Firth is that she was born in 2014 and that makes me feel old. I was most impressed with Julia Garner. She has such a great look, it’s a mix between 80’s Scream Queen and Classic Hollywood Beauty mixed with a smidgen of Crazy Art Teacher/Madonna. She’s in the new Fantastic Four movie which I’m now looking forward to 12% more because of her involvement.

I also have to praise Wolf Man for the scenes from Blake’s world. The visuals, the audio etc all combine to create something new and also make sense. Once the colour change happens you somehow INSTANTLY know that we’re now in his perspective. It would have been so easy to demonstrate it by saying, “This is what he can see,” in a POV shot, but keeping it in a third-person viewpoint is much more visually interesting. It also allows for transitions between Blake’s version of reality and reality reality to be smoother than a Barry White ballad. As a writer, it’s easy to see moments where you think “I would not have done that”, but as a director, it’s difficult to not be thoroughly impressed with what Whannell has pulled off. I have criticised this film, but I appreciate that it made an effort. It instilled emotional scenes, it added character depth so they all seem like actual humans as opposed to just “characters in a horror movie”. So while I have criticised it, I would MUCH rather something like this exist than “Generic Horror Movie Number 57”.

Nosferatu (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Do you really need me to tell you the story for this? Just watch the original.

There was a lot of hype for this. I have been excited since I first heard of it back in 2016, even mentioning how I was looking forward to it in my review of The Witch (or The VVitch). Many journalists and critics raved about early screenings of it.

But then I heard from actual people; moviegoers who I like and respect. Their feedback wasn’t quite as positive. And I agree with them, I was not a fan of this movie. For whatever reason, I just didn’t care about what I was seeing. I haven’t seen the original from the 1920s, but I know it (mainly through the Kill Count video I recently watched). At no point while watching New-sferatu did I feel I was watching something original. It never felt like anything other than a remake. It’s so heavily indebted to its sources that it never feels like it has its own identity.

My other issue is the filming style. A lot of dialogue is delivered straight to the camera, from the receiving person’s POV. As such, there’s a disconnect between everybody, it kind of reminds me of television shows made during COVID where everybody had to socially distance themselves.

Eggers is a fantastic filmmaker, there’s no doubt about that. The visual style is arresting, with every frame mesmerising and haunting, particularly with the use of light and shadow. As a storyteller? I’m afraid that’s his weakness. None of the characters seem that interesting, Ellen Hunter, in particular feeling more of a storytelling device than an actual character. The title character also doesn’t seem that interesting. He’s played well, looks good, but the character itself doesn’t seem to have any presence; when he’s not onscreen, you don’t feel him looming over the narrative.

The performances are fine, Lily-Rose Depp has a haunted look which really suits the character and themes, Nicholas Hoult was made for these movies, and Dafoe continues to be fucking weird. Dafoe and Eggers work well together, their styles suit each other.

Like I said; all the technical parts? Brilliant. All the parts that require how to make a movie? Brilliant. All the parts that require imagination and heart? Lacking. Remakes should showcase and do what couldn’t be done in the original. All we have here is more of the same. It doesn’t remind me of classic Dracula stories, what it does remind me of? Gus Van Sant’s remake of Psycho.

2024 In Film: Day Seven (The Good)

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Immaculate
Ups: Good chemistry between performances.
Great score.
Downs: Wastes potential.
Sweeney isn’t quite a strong enough performer for large sections.
Best Performer: Benedetta Porcaroli. Sweeney is great in the final section, but she’s too weak in the opening two-thirds to really be effective.
Best Moment: The entire final third.
Worst Moment: Sister Gwens’ death, happens off-screen and we should have seen it.
Opening: A nun tries to escape through a locked gate but instead gets her leg broken and is buried alive. Standard horror movie opening but it does let you into the fact that the nuns are evil, which is obvious anyway, but at least TRY to have a mystery.
Closing: She gives birth to the antichrist, bites through her own umbilical cord, and then kills the baby with a giant rock. Shocking, disturbing, and so well made.
Best Line: “If this is not the will of God, why does God not stop us?”. I used a similar line the time I got urinating in the font, just before I was struck by lightning.
Original review here

Jackpot
Ups: Satirical brilliance.
Some brilliant lines.
Pretty damn good soundtrack.
Downs: Issues with the plot are so big you can drive a bus through them.
Tonally inconsistent.
Best Performer: John Cena
Best Moment: The wax museum. So fun.
Worst Moment: The villain reveals, only because it’s so obvious that you’re surprised the characters didn’t see it coming.
Opening: A text narration explaining the premise. Bleak but comedic. Then Sean William Scott running down a street being chased by a mob
Closing: She survives, they become rich, and massive pricks. There are some outtakes too, which are pretty fun to see.
Best Line: “The California Grand Lottery © started during the Great Depression of 2026. The New Government was desperate for money and so was the public. It was simple. Kill the winner before sundown and legally take their jackpot. The only rule? No guns. No Bullets Some people call it dystopian. But those people are no fun. LOS ANGELES 2030” Sets the tone perfectly.
Original review here

Poor Things
Ups: Breathtaking visuals.
Unique.
Good ensemble cast.
Downs: Some of the music is physically painful to hear.
Repeats itself a lot.
Might be too weird for some.
The idea that so many men are sexually attracted to someone with the brain and capabilities of a baby is………strange.
Best Performer: Emma Stone
Best Moment: Harry showing Bella cruelty. It’s heartbreaking.
Worst Moment: Duncan finds Bella’s hidden money, mainly because if he didn’t find it then the story would advance in the exact same way.
Opening: A suicide. It’s always a weird way to open a film, but it’s good. It lets you know the visuals straight away.
Closing: The weird family dynamic characters all live together, with the evil ex-husband now having the brain of a goat. I genuinely assumed they were just going to put the dying Dafoe brain in his body, kind of surprised they didn’t.
Best Line: “I’m going to punch that baby”
Original Review here

The Beast
Ups: Hypnotic.
If you stick with it, it makes sense.
Definitely a relief that a film called “The Beast”, based on a piece of work from 1903, and released in 2024, isn’t subtly racist.
Downs: The directing style will be divisive.
The narrative could be clearer at parts.
The central concept doesn’t kick in for 20 minutes
It does the “imagine spot” trick too often.
Best Performer: George MacKay. He is such a good actor. His incel speech is brilliant
Best Moment: The introduction to the 2014 world where Louis is an incel dickbag.
Worst Moment: The earthquake is pretty weak
Opening: Gabrielle is acting in a room comprised entirely of green screen, being ordered around by a director.It then kind of dissolves into he title. Weird, doesn’t really intrigue you and force you to continue watching, but doesmake you wonder “how weird is this going to be?” Especially since it then goes into what looks like an 18th century party of nobility.
Closing: The classic “invasion of the body snatchers” ending. But then it does something very cool, instead of end credits, it has a QR code. The downside is that in a few years they will likely forget to keep up the domain rights, that WILL lead to either porn or a virus.
Best Line: “Tell me why, at parties, we seek the people with whom we live and whom we see every day?”
Original review here

The First Omen
Ups: Some great scares.
Good performances.
Unsettling body horror.
Decent twists.
Downs: Too reverential of the original.
Best Performer: Nell Tiger Free
Best Moment: The childbirth scene about halfway through. Very unsettling.
Worst Moment: The ending, drags.
Opening: Two Fathers (of the religious variety) discuss an evil occult plot. One of whom then dies brutally and with a pie-sized chunk missing from his skull. The death is horrific and scary, but it’s also only done like that as a reference to the original.
Closing: The demon child has been delivered to the correct person. Which we knew. He’s been called Damien. This just confirms it is the same child as the original, which we would have guessed.
Best Line: “What’s not real?” the line itself isn’t great, but its use is my favourite jump-scare of modern times.
Original review here

The Substance
Ups: Creepy.
Some great body horror
Amazing performances.
As subtle as a brick, a brick to the face, a brick to the face with the words “older women have value too and we need to stop placing so much of a woman worth on how men perceive her beauty” written on it, which would be a pretty fucking big brick.
Downs: REALLY loses focus and steam in the final third.
The world feels too protagonist-centered. There’s no indication that the world of this film exists outside of these characters. Every person in this universe exists solely to serve the narrative, there’s no attempt to make it feel lived in. If it sorted this out, it would be at least 2 blogs up, but it REALLY hurts it and kind of dampens the message.
“Look how disgusting the way we treat women is” followed by lots of close-ups of tits and buttcheeks. I get that that’s the point, but still.
Best Performer: Demi Moore
Best Moment: The first transformation.
Worst Moment: It repeats a dream sequence. Not really necessary.
Opening: A walk of fame star being constructed then neglected. The “look at how the world ignores this star until it cracks under pressure” double meaning isn’t exactly subtle. But it looks gorgeous.
Closing: Elisabeth’s face crawls out onto her own star then dissolves into nothingness before wiped away by a floor scrubber. Like I said, not subtle.
Best Line: Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself? Younger, more beautiful, more perfect. One single injection unlocks your DNA, starting a new cellular division, that will release another version of yourself. This is the Substance. You are the matrix. Everything comes from you. Everything is you. This is simply a better version of yourself. You just have to share. One week for one and one week for the other. A perfect balance of seven days each. The one and only thing not to forget: You. Are. One. You can’t escape from yourself
Original review here

Thelma
Ups: Very sweet.
Funny.
Pretty darn good chemistry between the two leads.
Teaches you basic cyber security.
I found it very funny how when she called her old friends she went through a list of various deaths and then “moved to Cleveland?”
Downs: The use of focus on the surroundings may be distracting to some.
Richard Roundtree has since passed and this was his final film.
Doesn’t quite run with the concept as much as it could.
Best Performer: June Squibb. Obviously.
Best Moment: The villain reveal.
Worst Moment: The phone call with the ex doesn’t seem as important as it could
Opening: Thelma being shown how to operate her e-mails by her grandson. Then the two sit around. Very sweet interactions between the two. Did kind of make me miss my nan though so boo for that.
Closing: She succeeds. That’s the real ending, but then it continues. But I don’t mind. Because whilst the story is over, the themes continue, and the post-story interactions are so sweet and wonderful that it’s heartwarming. She then twats a cockroach with a newspaper.
Best Line: “If I fall over I’m toast, that’s why I don’t fall”
Original review here

Woman Of The Hour
Ups: Creepy.
Never pretends to be anything that it isn’t.
Kendrick is a pretty damn good director.
Made with passion.
Downs: Somewhat weak narrative
Muddled story.
Doesn’t make the most of the premise.
Best Performer: Anna Kendrick
Best Moment: When she asks her own questions.
Worst Moment: Valentine’s day car ride with one of his victims. Just feels a bit superfluous and kills momentum.
Opening: A guy takes photos of a woman in an isolated exterior. You can tell he’s creepy because he has long hair. Some beautiful establishing shots though. Yup, he kills her, and it’s REALLY well shot.
Closing: The truth is fucking infuriating. He was released on bail where he then killed more people.
Best Line: “Did you feel seen?” “I felt looked at”
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day Six (The Thoroughly Okay)

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A Quiet Place: Day One
Ups: When its silent, it’s brilliant.
Shows just how LOUD New York is.
Downs: Too much music. By which I mean “any”.
With the exception of the opening scene, the fact it’s a prequel barely matters.
Best Performer: Lupita Nyong’o. Obviously.
Best Moment: The scene in the jazz club is very sweet.
Worst Moment: Eric on the construction site. Only way it’s not a waste of time is if its referenced in another sequel, but in the film itself? Pointless.
Opening: Sam is in a cancer hospice. Very good way of showing her situation. Excellent example of “show, don’t tell” scripting. Before that, there’s a piece of text telling you that the standard noise of New York City is at the same level as someone screaming constantly.
Closing: Sam commits suicide by Simone. Excellent idea, average execution. The noise difference between her listening to it on headphones and her playing it out loud should be a lot different.
Best Line: This place is shit. This place smells like shit. Betsy’s voice sounds like shit. Cancer is shit. Oscar does that stupid walk when he wants to hide he shit his pants. And Milton has shit taste in music.
Original review here

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F
Ups: So much more fun than the trailers made it seem.
Doesn’t piss on the legacy of the franchise.
New characters slot in effortlessly with old favourites.
Downs: Doesn’t feel like that much has happened since the last movie.
Relies on nostalgia a bit too much at times.
Some of the performers have aged in the last 30 years and it reminds me I’m old as hell now.
Best Performer: Eddie Murphy
Best Moment: The opening. Reassures you that this will be just as fun as the original.
Worst Moment: The ending feels like the script completely ran out of steam.
Opening: Relatively sombre DJ talking on car radio. Then The Heat Is On plays and we see Eddie Murphy. It felt like it was there to surprise people “hey, you thought this would be a super serious movie but instead its an Eddie Murphy one”. As if people didn’t know that. There’s then a scene in a hockey arena featuring him doing his usual “what, you [make assumption] just because I’m black?” shtick, but this time it’s clearly just to fuck with someone he’s friends with.
Closing: Axel comes out of the hospital and reunites with Taggert and Rosewood. Kind of meh.
Best Line: I’ve been a cop for 30 years, I’ve been black a whole lot longer. Trust me, I know better.
Original review here

Fly Me To The Moon
Ups: Fun dialogue.
Easily digestable.
Charming
Downs: Will fuel idiots.
Forgettable.
There’s a mismatch between the directing and the script. The script is fast and silly, and the directing is slick and slow.
Much longer than it needs to be.
Not Tatum’s best performance.
Best Performer: Scarlett Johansson
Best Moment: The meet cute actually works.
Worst Moment: Kelly’s first actions on the base. Ignoring national security concerns, taking people away from engineering work to paint her wall and put a new window in. Makes her seem incredibly rude.
Opening: Newsposition. Not quite as good as Valerian but very effective at setting up the situation.
Closing: It worked. Obviously, the two characters kiss. Because of course they did.
Best Line: You know what they say about black cats, if they cross your path, they’re probably going someplace else.
Original review here

Longlegs
Ups: Tense.
Good performances.
Downs: Very brown.
I’m fed up with trans-coded villains
Best Performer: Maika Monroe.
Best Moment: The transition shot between the mask and Longlegs face. Simple, predictable, but damn finely executed.
Worst Moment: The victim in hospital. The performance is superb, but the dialogue feels fake.
Opening: Scene fades in from red, nice touch. The music is suitably creepy and sets the tone REALLY well. You can’t watch this and NOT know it’s a horror movie.
Closing: The villain dies, but their legacy possibly lives on as a doll couldn’t be shot (don’t know why they couldn’t just physically smash it with a hammer but still).
Best Line: I know you’re not afraid of a little dark. Because you *are* the dar
Original review here

Monkey Man
Ups: Some superb visuals from a first-time director.
Violent.
Some really good action scenes and fight choreography.
Depressingly relevant.
Downs: Doesn’t make the most of its time.
Leaves a lot unsaid in terms of what you need to know to understand certain parts.
Best Performer: Dev Patel.
Best Moment: The kick to the face.
Worst Moment: The white monkey mask, doesn’t last long enough.
Opening: The story of Hanuman. Not needed, but is appreciated.
Closing: An incredibly personal action scene, rife with emotion and despair.
Best Line: In the great tapestry of life, just one small ember can burn down everything
Original review here

One Life
Ups: Emotional.
A story that needs to be told right now
Downs: Kind of hides the fact they’re Jewish, only slightly alludes to it.
Incredibly predictable
Best Performer:
Best Moment: The Nazi’s taking over the train, heartbreaking.
Worst Moment: Going to focus more on a moment it DIDN’T have. It didn’t show the original film footage of him on That’s Life, bit weird as that felt like a guarantee.
Opening:
Closing: Standard “what happened next” text. More pictures or film footage of the real person would have been nice.
Best Line: I don’t know what you’re doing, but if you’re doing what I think you’re doing, I don’t want to know.
Original review here

Seize Them!
Ups: Very funny and brutal.
Brilliantly silly.
Those who love British sitcoms will have a blast with the cast.
Downs: Is it really the best time for a “Rich people are actually fantastic, and anybody who goes against them is a tyrant in disguise” message?
Terribly marketed.
A lot of convenience.
The third-act argument seems a little contrived.
Best Performer: Aimee Lee Wood.
Best Moment: The potential assassins all dying. So stupid, goes past funny straight to annoying, and then back to funny again.
Worst Moment: The split between the group doesn’t really feel earned.
Opening: Narration, then a servant gets stabbed. Sets up the tone (funny and bloody), and the character of Queen Dagan as a spoilt brat.
Closing: “what happened next”, would have been nice to see this for more of the characters. Does mean the film ends with the line “the two died in separate wanking incidents”, which would improve every film ever made. Even Schindlers List
Best Line: I’m finished. Strangle me … but gently
Original review here

Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Ups: Made with a genuine love of the franchise.
Funny.
Has actual emotion.
Continues to be much better than you’d expect.
Downs: Inconsistent speed.
A bit TOO similar to the first two.
Predictable.
Some REAL pacing issues.
Best Performer: Idris Elba
Best Moment: Maria and Shadow bonding. Incredibly sweet and feels very real.
Worst Moment: The two Robotniks meeting. Feels very self-indulgent from Carrey.
Opening: The birth of Shadow.
Closing: Another sequel hook. Exciting, but quite frustrating from a narrative standpoint.
Best Line: I have dishonored my marshmallow
Original review here

Spaceman
Ups: Some good shots.
Sandler gives a decent performance (albeit as the wrong nationality)
The flashbacks are really well done.
Downs: The spider moves too fluidly to feel like a real spider.
The character doesn’t react to the spider in a believable way.
Best Moment: The reveal of the spider. The director knows he’s got a good design here, and wants you to know it.
Worst Moment: When the president withholds Lenkas message, seems to only be done to advance the plot.
Best Performer: Paul Dano. I know Sandler is great in this, but his accent is too bad for me to have him as the best.
Opening: The titular character wearing a spacesuit, walking. Then we see him on his ship doing mundane shit that astronauts need to do. I feel the walking part wasn’t needed. Start with him on the ship.
Closing: We see that him walking through the lake at the beginning was a dream, which continues on here. Nice book-end, but is only there to be a bookend. Like it had to end like that because it started like that, and it had to start like that because it ended like that.
Notable Line: “You have many boundaries skinny human, perhaps they are the cause of your loneliness”
Original Review here

The End We Start From
Ups: Excellent use of water.
Joey Fry is REALLY good.
Downs: Her being separated from her husband for the duration of the birth doesn’t affect the birth much.
Characters don’t have names so it’s really weird to review and describe them.
Best Performer: Katherine Waterston.
Best Moment: The two women walking down a road whilst singing the song from Dirty Dancing. Very sweet.
Worst Moment: After the mother’s death, scenes of sadness etc but there’s a section where the music is a little bit too upbeat.
Opening: Woman runs a bath whilst on the phone. Eventually, the water covers the camera. This is an effective way of setting up the themes without hitting you in the face with them. She then sits her pregnant self in the bath. I appreciate that she didn’t mention it in the phone call, in fact, it would have been weird if she did it.
Closing: Both characters arrive home. Kind of bittersweet but really the only way it could end.
Best Line: “They trampled on my mum’s neck, people are starving, they don’t give a fuck”
Original review here

Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: I feel the title adequately explains it.

As we approach the end of the year, I’m starting to think of the awards I will give out in January, and try to note the contenders for each award. Some are pretty much settled (Worst Moment is likely to go to Twisters for a character introduction that tainted the rest of the film). In contrast, some still require a lot of thinking (the Most Disappointing category is depressingly packed so far). One award that won’t be given is Best Title, if it was, Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (HVSCSP, pronounced Hoo-vis-car-seep) would win that easily. I love that title, it promises so much. Not just the plot, but also the type of film it will be. A title like that is not going to be an incredibly depressing look at the human condition. It will be quirky, and it will be unique.

What you might not expect is just how damn sweet it is. It’s incredibly heart-warming, with the central relationship being more believable and recognisable than a vampire story should be. Some writers would have focused on the sexual energy of vampires, but HVSCSP is more sweat than sexual, and is all the better for it. I love the central relationship. There’s a moment between the two where they’re just sitting listening to music. There’s no dialogue, no dancing, they’re just sitting near each other. By all logic, that should be boring as hell. But it says something about the talent of director Ariane Louis-Seize, plus the performers Sara Montpetit and Felix-Antoine Benard that it works. You can tell there are moments when both of them want to speak, and you know exactly what they would say, and the characters know that too, so they want to respond, but because it wasn’t actually said, they don’t. That scene is a microcosm of the film as a whole; incredibly sweet and wholesome.

I’ve seen some reviews which have stated they wished this had more bite. I’m assuming they only said that for pun purposes. Cynicism and meanness would have ruined this. Yes, vampire movies usually do need to be dark and broody, but this particular film? It needs niceness. It’s like a Wes Anderson movie being caressed by Tim Burton.

Don’t get me wrong, there is some violence, but it’s used to tell a story. The killing of the clown in the opening scene is shown to have traumatised Sasha, so it makes sense that even with the ability to do so, she would be reticent to commit violence unless she needed to. This builds up beautifully to a moment where she violently attacks a group of people threatening Paul. If the film was filled with violence, that scene wouldn’t land. If the violence was shot as “cool” and fun, that moment wouldn’t land. HVSCSP understands restraint better than a German dungeon mistress and uses it to great joy.

It’s not perfect. The soundtrack is kind of bland. The aforementioned scene of the two listening to music together? Perfect song choice. The rest of the movie? Forgettable. I’m not saying EVERY film needs more 80’s dark synth music, but some Bauhaus would have improved this immensely.

I also found it difficult to get a solid grounding on the universe contained within HVSCSP. Are people aware of vampires but decide to ignore them? Are they aware but deathly scared? Do they consider vampires as mythological creatures? There are moments which support all three assertions, so it’s difficult to work out what world this takes place in. This leads me to the other problem; with the exception of the main two, the characters are all tremendously bland. It doesn’t feel like a real group of people, they’re not main characters in their own life, they’re only supporters of the tale we’re being told right now.

This is still a lovely film. It’s not among the best of the year, but it’s worth watching, even if only once.

Don’t Move (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: When a killer injects her with a paralytic agent, a woman must run, fight and hide before her body completely shuts down.

Did Netflix gaslight us into thinking their original films used to be good? I thought they were, but looking at the list, there’s a lot of shit there. Well, maybe “shit” is a bit harsh, but for every Glass Onion, there are about 40 Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga‘s, films which are so forgettable that they barely register as being watched. Maybe Don’t Move will be different?

It starts promising, it sets the tone very quickly, and it’s really interesting. The opening kidnapping is shocking, not just because of how sudden it is, but also how cold and calculating it is. You can really see how the killer lures his victims. He picks up character information so quickly, incredibly observant. He’s essentially a detective who uses his powers for evil.

I like how minimalist DM is. There are a few other characters, but it is mostly just Finn Witrock and Kelsey Asbille. Finn Wittrock is good, but he never really feels like an individual, instead coming off as a mix between Bill “Pennywise” Skarsgard, Casey “Not Ben” Affleck and Leonardo “No Don’t Turn 26, you’re so pretty” DiCaprio. Asbille does A LOT considering she’s paralyzed for the majority of the runtime. She has tremendous eye-acting, which is essential because that’s the only way she portrays emotion for most of it. The small cast allows the talents of the two leads to really shine. It also helps Asbille’s character seem more isolated. This could have been TERRIBLE if it cut to her previous life too often (as was done in The Mercy) in an attempt to examine her life. Because we only see her in the context of a kidnapping victim, we feel scared and isolated alongside her; all we know in this world is her and her kidnapper.

I do have some issues with the script though. Not that it’s bad, but I feel it wastes potential. Whilst DM is good, it could (née, should) have been great. Her losing her body autonomy (we call that “Being An American Woman”) should have taken place in real-time, it lasts 10 minutes onscreen instead of the (I think) 20 it was said to have taken. Adding the extra 10 would have made it so much more interesting. That’s the case for the whole film actually. It’s crying out for a gimmick. Maybe that’s real-time, so we get LONG shots of her being driven to the cabin the kidnapper hopes to keep her in, the longer the drive, the more we become aware of just how hopeless her situation is. Maybe it could have done the always impressive long take, making it seem like it was all filmed in one take (as in Boiling Point and 1917) with scenes of forestry masking cuts and time jumps. Maybe if it was all from her POV, so we are truly in her shoes, feeling her fear and helplessness. Any one of those would have made it a genuinely impressive feature and would have helped it stand out. As it is, it’s just pretty good.

It’s a shame to watch a film and get distracted by what it is instead of what it could be. But this isn’t quite refined enough to distract you, so you can’t really help but let your mind wander. It’s a great concept, but there’s not quite enough in the narrative it to justify stretching it out to feature length instead of just having it as a short. It’s not, but it does have big “based on a short story” energy. This is where a gimmick would have helped it, it would have hidden the narrative swamp of boredom.

Longlegs (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Lee Harper is a clairvoyant who is assigned an unsolved murder case involving satanic sacrifices, possession, and Nicholas Cage

I will say this to start: there have been three films this year with lead characters named Lee, none of them male. Longlegs, Civil War, and the one where Kate Winslet played Lee—I can’t remember what that one was called though. Of the trilogy or trilog-lee, as some people (nobody) calls it, Longlegs is probably the one I enjoyed least.

I get the feeling it’s not supposed to be enjoyed though. It’s dark, gritty, and disturbing. That works in its favour as it means every moment is full of tension, so you never get a chance to relax. Osgood Perkins has made it so that even when the characters are in no danger, it somehow still feels uncomfortable. This is partly due to the way it is shot; the colour scheme and use of focus make everything feel like a mix of memory and a dream, where the rules of reality are still there, but you have a sneaking suspicion those rules could be torn up at any point. The narrative also helps; the sudden death of a character plants in your head the idea that all bets are off and nobody is safe.

On the downside; it is sometimes too bleak to care about, and the lighting makes it an uncomfortable watch for all the wrong reasons at times, making it resemble the visual equivalent of Tenat’s dialogue, you know stuff is there, and you know it’s important, but you can’t make it out at all.

The performances also help the tone. Cage, in particular, is disturbing. It is slightly disappointing how horror movies keep falling back on the “androgynous people who were assigned male sex at birth are creepy and likely to be serial killers” cliche that has real-world implications for trans people, but arguing for horror movies to stop doing that would be like asking Will Smith to stop saying “aw hell no” in his films, it’s not going to happen so you might as well just accept it.

Maika Monroe continues to be excellent. She has a habit of picking really good horror movies to start in, first It Follows, and now this. Nobody else is really given that much time to shine, but whoever decided to cast Alicia Witt as Monroe’s mother deserves a raise as that is spot on. Kiernan Shipka continues to impress whenever I see her, but her appearance in this is basically an extended cameo, and features some truly bad dialogue.

The dialogue is definitely the worst part of Longlegs, especially towards the end where it treats the audience like a nervous mother treats a child at traffic lights and holds their hand so tightly that you can sense it doesn’t trust you to know what’s happening. It then dumps so much information on you at once that it’s kind of annoying. Especially since it’s a detective horror, it would have been so easy for the script to simply reveal the killer M.O gradually throughout the runtime instead of “and here’s EVERYTHING”. The lead up to that with a character killing themselves by headbutting a table is pretty damn gnarly though.

So in summary, disturbing, kind of wonderful, but completely falls apart in the third act.

Hellboy: The Crooked Man (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: In the 1950’s Appalachian mountains, Hellboy and his rookie teammate hunt down a local legend.

I mentioned to someone that I had watched this. The response to that is normally a quick “is it worth watching?”, “How is it?” etc, the usual questions. The one I got for this? “What new Hellboy movie?”.

The first Hellboy movie had box office takings of nearly $100million, so A LOT of people saw it. Even the 2019 one (which I reviewed here) made $55million on a budget of $50million (you wouldn’t think it would be that expensive to put a massive pile of dog shit in front of a camera and then film it). Those numbers prove one thing; a lot of casual moviegoers are aware of this character. So it’s baffling that the studio not only released this straight-to-VOD but also had a marketing campaign that consisted of “just post a video on YouTube, people will find it”. Really, Hellboy: The Crooked Man (H: TCM, pronounced Ha-took-em) SHOULD be a cult classic. It should have a reputation as a folk horror comic book movie, a low-budget but high-effort hidden gem.

It won’t have that reputation though, because it’s a bad film. Maybe I’d be more favourable towards this if it wasn’t for how good the first two are. Then again, maybe I’d be less favourable if I didn’t have to suffer through the last one. Actually, that does a disservice, as even without the comparisons, H: TCM would still seem cheap. At times it looks like a video game, and at other times it looks like a porn parody where the actors forgot to have sex. I knew it would have a lower budget, so visually it wouldn’t be able to match the previous entries, but it still tries to, and it fails in that trying. The things we see in films aren’t real, but I appreciate some effort in concealing that. I’m well aware that Wallace and Gromit are claymations, but if the next film has a moment where we see the animators’ fingers moving them around, I’m gonna be pissed. This makes no effort to hide the metaphorical strings behind the visuals, so it’s hard to lose yourself in what you’re seeing as the visuals constantly pull you out.

There are some good moments. It is suitably violent and doesn’t waste time getting to the violence. The witch coming back to life scene was pretty damn good. Very creepy. There are a few other moments where you can see what it is aiming to be. It’s in those moments where you see the influences, the most obvious one being The Evil Dead. Considering how heavily indebted it is to The Evil Dead series, it’s surprising they didn’t just get Bruce Campbell to play the lead. It certainly would have been a better option than Jack Kesy. Nothing against Kesy, but he doesn’t have that special otherworldly factor to lead a film like this. There’s no presence, no sense of authority, he doesn’t feel like he OWNS the scenes, he never feels any more than just an actor playing his part. He lacks the physicality too. There’s a moment where I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be in slow motion, or if he just can’t run fast in the prosthetics.

Another positive is that, unlike similar movies, they do explain the myth behind the villain etc. So it’s very easy to understand motivations and character. The trouble is, it’s delivered in such a dull way that it’s hard to pay attention. Yes, the 2019 Hellboy was terrible, but it was never as boring as this.

AfrAId (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A family takes an experimental AI into their house. Everything works out fine. Psych! Stuff starts to suck.

AfrAId was directed by Chris Weitz, who also directed About A Boy, The Twilight Zone: New Moon, and The Golden Compass, which is a weird film history if you think about it. Not really relevant at all, I just wanted to mention it.

I went into this with lower expectations than I would if Gillingham were playing Barcelona (football joke, I NEVER make them), I knew it had bad reviews and box office, and bad horror movies are usually The Crow-est of the low. So I knew this would be terrible. But then something went wrong; it’s not terrible. It’s not good, but it’s not terrible. It is never bad enough to be awful, but also it’s never quite good enough to stand out. It doesn’t help that it’s quite derivative, it’s not saying that much which hasn’t been said before (primarily by equally stupidly titled M3gan). It can’t compare to that, and not just because the AI in this isn’t as memorable, or as well-written. Occasionally it only does things BECAUSE it’s a horror movie, there’s no “non-creepy” justification for many of the AI’s choices.

On the plus side, it does seem like it has something to say, which I always like to see in a horror movie. The proliferation of AI is a concerning development and one that’s too big for films to ignore. This film also says a lot about how families interact with themselves and with technology, especially concerning how that affects parenting. It doesn’t always work, though. There are some parts where the AI nature of it just

The revenge porn bit, in particular, didn’t sit right with me. I don’t care that it ruined that kid’s life, he knowingly made and shared porn of his girlfriend. I don’t give a shit that he won’t go to college or that he’s being tried as an adult. To be perfectly honest I hope he gets hit by a fucking car. Now it gets fun. No word of a lie, I legit wrote that line, and then that character died in a car crash. So that’s nice.

On the upside; the performances are good. John Cho is underrated (as anybody who has watched Searching will know), and I’m still waiting for the world to pay attention to just how utterly fantastic Katherine Waterston is. Both of them feel slightly beyond this movie, almost like this was a film made years ago and only just released now to make use of their fame. There’s also no issue with direction; it looks good, has decent audio cues etc.

The main issues are pretty much entirely down to the script. The pacing is like a drunk driver; all over the place, causing great damage, and indefensible. The ending is a huge letdown. It goes too “real”, with the AI making incursions into reality which are a bit too far-fetched and would be easily solved by humans. The closing scenes are also far too predictable, to the point where it feels like a parody.

In summary; not as bad as I expected, but not as good as I wanted. AfrAId is like people who discuss politics on Twitter, too concerned with saying stuff “now” than trying to figure out how to say it.