Tag: Horror

The Monkey (2025) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Hal and his son Petey spend a final weekend together before Hal signs away parental rights. A weekend that’s spoiled somewhat by a toy monkey that causes brutal deaths, seemingly targeting Hals family.

Two weeks. That’s the difference between me loving this movie, and me just really liking it. The reason for this? Two weeks before watching The Monkey, I saw the trailer for Final Destination: Bloodlines. As such, when I watched The Monkey, all I could think of was Final Destination. That is unfair to this movie, I know, but I felt I had to mention it.

Aside from that? This is fun. It’s not really a horror movie. Yes, it’s bloody and violent, but it’s not that scary. There are not that many moments where you’re on the edge of your seat with how tense it is, or where you’re concerned for characters and want to see them survive. If anything, you’re intrigued. You look around the room, curious as to how deaths will occur. The deaths aren’t particularly harrowing. They are VERY bloody, and some will make you jump because of how sudden they are, but they won’t stick with you. You won’t be haunted by any of the violence in The Monkey, you may laugh.

None of that is meant as a criticism, by the way. Just establishing the tone so that nobody will go in expecting something different from what they get. The Monkey should not be a serious horror movie, it should be stupid. Remember Night Swim from last year? If so, you may be entitled to compensation. Night Swim (as reviewed here) was a ridiculous concept that tried to play it seriously and suffered for it. It should have done what The Monkey did. The Monkey is well aware of how ridiculous it is and never pretends to be anything else. That’s why it’s worthwhile. It is always entertaining. Part of that is due to the directing, Osgood Perkins knows the beats to hit both in terms of narrative and directing. The performances work too. Theo James has come a long way from having shit on his nose in The Inbetweeners Movie. He has a duel rule there as both brothers. He does a pretty good job of playing the two characters as different people, but a lot of that is due to the wardrobe design too, but James does carry both of them differently enough for audiences to never be confused.

The other performers are great too. Elijah Wood is such a dick. It would have been nice to have him in it more, but I can’t think of a natural way for the film to have that happen, so I’m okay with it. The only other performer who is given enough time is Colin O’Brien, who spends so much time with his character being sullen and uncooperative that it’s difficult to actually judge his performance fairly.

I will admit, I was not a fan of the ending. Not the lead-up to the ending, or even the final moment. But there’s a symbolic moment in the closing scene which didn’t really work for me. It felt like it was symbolism for the sake of symbolism, just to show how smart the writers are. Shame, as the rest of the film is tightly written, closing up narrative loopholes you think you’ve spotted. The characters all have clear motivations, so even when they do stupid things, it makes sense. There’s a moment at the start (the inciting incident in fact) that feels a bit sudden, two one-minute scenes building up to it would have helped sell that moment a lot better because at the moment it makes a character’s reaction seem a bit extreme.

In summary; not perfect, not essential, but extremely entertaining. I’ve sold how silly and fun it is, but when it gets serious it works too, especially when it touches on family dynamics. That’s to be expected with Osgood’s family history. Osgood’s father was Anthony Perkins, who spent a lot of his life closeted (in terms of public appearance anyway) and married to someone who tried to keep his homosexual nature a secret from his own sons. And his mother? Died in the 9/11 attacks. So it makes sense that someone like him would be effective at crossing over the line between grief and violence, especially when it comes to family relationships. With that in mind, there are parts of The Monkey that do feel like therapy, but in a good way. This is Perkins doing what only he can. He utilises his personal experience and cloaks it in a way that he can sell to a mass audience. His next step is Keeper later in the year, which looks like a more serious prospect than The Monkey, but I’m interested in seeing it.

2024 Film Awards Part 6

On By troubledproductionsIn AwardsLeave a comment

Most Disappointing

A Quiet Place: Day One

I LOVE the first one, I was less enthusiastic about the second, but I still had high hopes for this. It’s okay, I guess. But it never quite reaches the heights of the first one and doesn’t even come close. Ultimately, it just comes off as lesser. Almost like a poorly financed spin-off that was dictated by the studio. There’s zero passion, zero creativity, zero reason to care.

Argylle

I like the Kingsman movies, except maybe the prequel. But I had an inkling this wouldn’t be as good. From the moment I saw the trailer I had worries. Those worries turned out to be well-founded. It should never have been a 12A, Matthew Vaughn needs blood and violence, and the rating stops him from achieving that. I don’t know why the studio didn’t push for an increased rating, and I’m not sure whose decision it was to aim for it. But either way, they should have stopped him. If you’re a record company and you land the Bee Gees, you don’t let them do a death metal album, you tell them to play that funky music.

Joker: Folie A Deux

If this was based on the biggest drop between “expectations when I first heard about it” and “expectations when I finished watching”, this would be top, number one with a bullet, numero uno, the head honcho, the casa del pene, I kind of forgot what I was talking about. Luckily for J: FAD, this is based on “expectations going in”, which saves it. I had heard a lot of talk that this was terrible. I hoped they were wrong, but it did mean I went in expecting it might be bad. Still doesn’t mean I was prepared for exactly HOW bad it was. I haven’t seen a sequel drop off this extreme since Mean Girls to the trailer for Mean Girls 2 (I’m not watching the actual film, I’m not insane).

My Spy: The Eternal City

I actually really enjoyed the first one. The second has all the hallmarks of a “straight-to-DVD sequel released in the 90s”. It feels low budget, it thinks you remember much more about the previous film than you actually do, and it tries so hard to be different (changing location etc), that it forgets to be good.

Mean Girls

I’m a massive fan of the original film, and also a massive fan of the dislike button on the trailer of the second one. I’m also a big Tina Fey fan, and one of my favourite TV shows of all time is a sequel. So I should love this. I did not. It had none of the charm of the original, none of the heart. Also, I didn’t find the songs that good, which in a musical is a bit of a problem. I couldn’t hum a single melody from the entire thing, meanwhile, I can still remember roughly 3 songs from In The Heights, which I watched once, back in 2021 (review here). I suppose I should have expected it when the trailer (which I repeat, is for a MUSICAL featuring original songs) had Olivia Rodrigo. Now, I love Olivia Rodrigo, her music is right up my street, but an existing song on a trailer for a musical just indicates the studio has no faith in the songs, and the stage musical itself doesn’t have enough bangers that people are obsessed with and will be like “OMG they do that song in this, I need to watch”, unlike the trailers for Wicked which showed snippets of songs from the musical, so fans of the musical would get excited. I’m right that that was a weird decision on the studio that released Mean Girls, right? It’s not just me being picky? Anyway, this film is weaker than my lawsuit for false advertising against the owner/operator of a bottomless pit in Spokane.

Winner

Unfrosted

I’m a big fan of Jerry Seinfeld, I consider his sitcom one of the best sitcoms of the 90’s (and there’s a lot of competition there). He has definitely been hit hardest by the Seinfeld Curse, with his biggest success being a vocal performance. That being said, Unfrosted looked promising. Not just with him as a writer, but with an incredibly strong supporting cast. Also, the idea was fucking weird, and I like weird. I don’t like Unfrosted though. It is funny, hilarious even. But it is so disposable. This does not seem like a film from one of the co-creators of one of the biggest sitcoms of all time. This feels like a group of kids dicking about with a video camera and making jokes up as they go along.

Most Surprising

The First Omen

The Omen is a franchise in name only. Nobody ever says “Let’s watch the entire film series”, in fact, I’d say a lot of people don’t even recognise there are more than two, the original and the remake. Added to that, prequels are normally pretty shit. So it’s quite surprising that The First Omen is actually solid. It has one of my favourite jump scares I’ve ever seen, a genuinely gripping story, and some good acting. Immaculate explored similar themes, but The First Omen did it much better.

Transformers One

I’m not too fond of the live-action Transformers movies. I know I watched one of them at the cinema, there’s a chance I might have watched the second one as well, but I genuinely can’t remember. Also, unlike Teenage Mutant Ninja/Hero Turtles, I never had any Transformers toys growing up (if anybody would like to fix that neglect and buy some, contact me), nor were there any video games I played. So I had zero emotional connection with the franchise, until now. This movie is superb. I think it may have helped that I had no connection to the franchise as it meant that I didn’t know who these characters were. This wasn’t like watching X-Men: First Class, knowing that Magneto and Charles will eventually become enemies, this was watching two complete strangers as their friendship slowly disintegrates. It’s a much more mature movie than you’d expect, dealing with themes such as colonialism, disability rights, hierarchal power structures, appeals to authority fallacies, and transforming into a car (all issues that we face). If it was a bit more “safe”, would it have made more money? Probably (it’s hard to tell because of how badly marketed it was). But by going as dark as they did, going as deep as they did, they’ve created something truly remarkable. This WILL be a kid’s favourite movie, and when they watch it again as an adult, they won’t be disappointed or embarrassed. They will fall back in love with it all over again.

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F

I’m not saying this is a great movie, it’s not. But it’s A LOT better than a sequel 30 years after a disappointing (to others, I still love it) third movie should be. Every New Year’s Eve, me and my family sit down and watch a franchise, in the past, it’s been John Wick, the modern Planet Of The Apes, Back To The Future etc. As the years go on, the choices get harder and harder, primarily because the trajectory for a lot of franchises is downward, and you don’t want to end the night on a low (can you imagine if the last movie you watched in a year was Die Hard 5?). With Axel F, if we watched this franchise, the year wouldn’t end badly. And really that’s all you can ask for.

Winner

Alien: Romulus

I like the Alien franchise, kind of. I’ve watched the first two and enjoyed them, but I’ve also seen Covenant and wasn’t a fan. When Alien is good, it’s phenomenal, among the best thing that exists in the media it’s created in, when it’s bad, it’s Colonial Marines. Romulus could have been bad, it SHOULD have been bad. It’s not, it’s utterly fantastic. It’s creepy, intelligent, and makes the most of what it has. There are so many times when you’re watching films and, as an audience member, you spot things you would have changed, untaken opportunities or wasted moments. Romulus will have less of that than others. It takes a Blue Peter/artist approach to scenes. It looks at what it has to play with (acidic blood, messed up gravity etc), then tries to create something with them. It could have been dumb and made bank, instead they put A LOT of effort into it, and I cannot thank them enough.

I Don’t Get It

Essentially these are for films which received a lot of love, either critically or commercially, that I just did not care about.

The Beekeeper

I heard a lot of people say this is really good, that it would even appeal to people who aren’t fans of the typical Statham films. I’m not buying it. It’s about 5% more interesting than the rest, but that’s not a huge amount. Otherwise, it’s more of the same. It’s Jason Statham walking around and punching people, only this time he has a bad American accent.

Longlegs

A LOT of people loved this, describing it as one of the best horrors of modern times. I respect that, but I didn’t feel it. Primarily because of how exposition-heavy it was, particularly in the final third. Either the studio or the screenwriter didn’t feel confident enough that the story was clear enough for the audience. Once the writer gets more confident, they WILL make my favourite horror movie of the year, of that I am certain. But this isn’t it.

Winner

The Zone Of Interest

Obviously, this was going to win. The review of it was the hardest I’ve ever had to write. I couldn’t articulate WHY I didn’t like it, I just didn’t. That’s annoying as I feel I should. I love serious movies, so it’s not as though I was sitting there thinking “Need more jokes”. I love POWERFUL movies too, I actually went into HMV a few days ago and asked for “Something that will hurt me and make me feel things”. It genuinely got me worried, am I a shitty movie watcher? Why should anybody take my reviews seriously if I don’t like one of the most critically acclaimed movies of the year? In a way, it still bothers me. I find it difficult to reconcile why you should value my opinion alongside my opinion being that I didn’t like this film.

Well I Liked It

The opposite of the last one, these are films which either the internet or professional reviewers hated, but I enjoyed (or at the very least didn’t hate them as much as others).

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

At the time of writing, this sits on Metacritic with a score of 46. That’s only 1 score higher than the new Hellboy, which is dreadful beyond comparison. I’m not arguing this should be in the high 90s, but it definitely deserves higher than that. Yes, it is a bit too long and unfocused, but it is SO damn charming that it’s hard to see where the hatred comes from. The relationship between Phoebe and Melody is damn sweet (and kind of gay-coded, can’t tell if that was intentional) and it warmed even my bitter and cynical heart.

Boy Kills World

I had no intention of putting this in this section. Primarily because I assumed it was well-reviewed. It was only when looking up the Metacritic score for Ghostbusters that I saw this had a score of 47. How? This is freaking insane. The stunts are badass, the jokes are hilarious, and the performances are everything they need to be. It’s one of the most fun experiences I had last year, and I ate ice cream TWICE!

Winner

Paddington In Peru

This has a Metacritic score 60. I don’t accept that. This deserves a 90 at the very least. It’s not quite as good as the first two, but it is still exactly what we need at this time. I know the world is going to shit: racism has become normalised, there’s war in the middle east, and I dropped my biscuit in my tea. But it’s at times like this when we need something like this; something optimistic, something cute, and most importantly; something kind.

Worst Movie

Nominees Everything here

Winner

The Crow

This was actually difficult. Whilst a lot of films were bad, there wasn’t one that stood out as a lot worse than the others. They were all equally bad. This wins pretty much just because it’s a remake. As such, there is a definite blueprint for how to make it work. They had over 30 years of focus groups and audience feedback to work from. The fact they did that, they had talented performers, as well as a wide variety of screamo bands to use for the soundtrack, and still couldn’t do better than this shit? Nope, fuck you, you suck.

Best Movie

Nominees: Everything here

Winner

Civil War

There are multiple ways to judge a film. Technical brilliance, personal taste, uniqueness. This has all three. But so do quite a few other films nominated. It’s difficult to think of one that stands out above the rest, unlike next year, where it’s already looking like A Real Pain is going to win best film (unless the new Knives Out is incredible), spoilers for a post I won’t write for another 365 days. Really, any of the nominees could have sneaked it. So why did I choose Civil War? Because there was a moment which was so harrowing I was close to leaving just to decompress for a few minutes. No other film has come close to having that effect.

2024 Film Awards: Day Five (The Moments)

On By troubledproductionsIn AwardsLeave a comment

Best Opening

Nominees

American Fiction – Monk talks to a white student

Sums up this film; funny, smart, and sets a fire of fury that it is determined to stoke. Once you witness this scene, you know EXACTLY what film you will watch.

Gladiator 2 – Painted

The usual “quick summary” montage, but done so it looks like it’s been painted. Visually striking, and very beautiful.

Malum – Creepy Creepiness

Police notice saying this is footage from the event. REALLY helps you buy in. Then creepy handheld footage. Well, some of it is creepy (weird chairs etc), and some is so mundane that it becomes creepy. Yes, it feels cheap, but its effective. Then, it transitions into modern times, where you assume the person we meet is our hero. Nope.

Monster – What Is With Minato?

Minato is displaying odd behaviour that is consistent with abuse. When you watch it, it’s good, when you remember it later and understand the full context, it’s great.

Sometimes I Think About Dying – Opening Credits

Look, I just appreciate that they used a different font for the opening credits. Most films don’t, and it shows that the people who made this actually gave a shit about setting tone in every way possible.

Twisters – The Danger Of Wind

Twisters introduces a group of lovable, dynamic characters. Then kills most of them off. I liked it. It was unexpected, plus it showed how dangerous tornados can be, so it set them up as a threat. It’s like when slasher movies start with the killer stabbing someone; establish them as a threat early on so the fear of them lingers over the narrative.

Winner

The Substance – Fading Star

A Walk Of Fame star being constructed and then neglected. The “look at how the world ignores this star until it cracks under pressure” double meaning isn’t exactly subtle. But it looks gorgeous.

Worst Opening

Nominees

Late Night With The Devil – The Explanation

A documentary is investigating the events. Well not really investigating, just playing the show in full. Could have got away with cutting away from it for some sort of modern analysis etc, make it feel more like a documentary. As it is, the opening is just set up, and it all sets up stuff we would be told later anyway.

My Spy: The Eternal City – Dream Sequence

Never open an action movie with a dream sequence. It sets expectations of what the character can do that then can’t be matched. You need to establish what the character is capable of, his strengths, his weaknesses etc. You can’t do that in a dream sequence. A complete waste of time and characterisation.

Winner

Garfield – Animated Movie Opening #12

Garfield starts with happy music. Thus establishing that the studio REALLY don’t understand the character at all. It would be like starting the next Bond movie at a B&B in Clacton. They did this purely because other animated films start the same way, it’s inappropriate for the character, and shows they didn’t really care about making a good movie.

Best Ending

Nominees

Deadpool And Wolverine – Time Of Your Life

A cute montage of the previous Marvel-but-not-MCU movies. With the exception of the X-Men movies, those have been kind of forgotten so it’s nice to see them get some love. It also feels like a love letter to those that paved the way.

I Saw The TV Glow – Owen Breaks Down

The creepiest part of this was that nobody reacted. They all took a mental breakdown as something normal that you shouldn’t concern yourself with. I had some issues with the performance of Smith at some points during Glow, but in this part? He nailed that. The helplessness, the sadness, the sheer terror. Perfection.

Winner

The Iron Claw – Kevin Cries

That’s it. His sons tell him it’s okay to cry. A simple message, but one that is sadly needed. Usually, catharsis in film comes from violence or revenge. It’s kind of sweet to see one come from emotional release.

Worst Ending

Nominees

The First Omen – What Happened To Baby Dame?

The antichrist has been delivered to new parents, and has been named Damian. I mean, we KNEW this would happen. Out of everything that happened in this movie, that was the only thing we did know. It’s been established in the first movie. So what was the point of this? It would be like doing a film about Henry VIII and ending it with “and that man grew up to be king” with dramatic music.

Unfrosted – Where Are They Now?

Purely because of the music choice, which feels like a royalty free song. Considering the cast, this must have had a budget. They used a David Bowie song in the trailer, could they have not stretched to something iconic for the closing?

Winner

Joker: Folie A Deux – Faux-ker

So it turns out the main character of the two Joker movies wasn’t actually the Joker. I’m one of the few people who actually likes the Mandarin twist from Iron Man 3. But if that movie was called “The Mandarin” and he was the main character, I’d be less pleased. I’ve never seen a movie that holds its own audience in contempt as much as this does.

Best Moment

Babes – The Meetcute

Much like Frozen Empire (spoilers for later), Babes needs to make it clear how quickly these characters bond. Especially since the male character dies soon after. Meetcutes can be difficult to pull off, and I haven’t seen it done as masterfully as it was done here in a while.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire – Melody And Phoebe

The two characters bond over chess. So incredibly sweet. If this scene wasn’t good, then the plot would fall apart as you wouldn’t buy that Phoebe would be so reckless for someone she only just met. Sometimes you do meet people and instantly click though. The way this is written, and the way it’s performed, make you believe that this is one of those times.

Sometimes I Think About Dying – The Murder Party

The audience knows what Fran is like, but it’s the party where the rest of the characters begin to find out Frans personality. She really opens up to them, and it’s the first glimpse we get of what she’d be like as a friend; funny, warm-hearted, and with a dark sense of humour.

The Beast – Louis The Incel Dickbag

This is almost entirely due to performance. George Mackay gets everything right here. You get his anger, his frustration, but also his sadness. He’s not someone to hate, he’s someone to be pitied. You don’t feel sorry for him because of how hate-filled he is. But you don’t really fear him because of how pathetic he comes across.

The Iron Claw – The Afterlife

Considering this is a true story, it could have been considered a mistake to have a dream-like scene in it. It might have made it seem a bit silly. IF it wasn’t done as well as it was here. Many manly tears were shed at this moment. It’s absolutely beautiful, and the person it’s based on approves.

Transformers One – The Start Of Darkness

This is a very good scene on paper. But with the performance? It’s excellent. You truly understand why Megatron and Optimus Prime think the way they do. It’s not contrived or silly, it’s heartbreaking to realise these two characters are headed down dark paths, and they’ll be doing it alone.

Winner

Civil War – The Body Pit

THIS. This was the moment that nearly made me walk out of the cinema because of how bleak it was. I’ve seen similar scenes before (in the same year, in fact), but none of them have hit as hard as this one did. It’s so good that it made me un-nominate a similar scene in Lee, because it would have been weird to have two very similar scenes in one award section.

Worst Moment

Nominees

Venom: The Last Dance – Multi-Symbiote Fight

Not because it’s a bad scene, but because it hints at a much better movie. If the script focused more on setting this up, and had “there’s multiple symbiote attached to characters we’ve grown to care about”, it could have been incredible. As it is? It feels like wasted potential.

The Whip – Here’s Our Plan

The main character explains her plan to her friend. “So where were you thinking of sneaking into?”, then gestures to the houses of parliament. My issue with this was the staging. They were walking over a bridge heading AWAY from the place they were talking about. They would have already walked towards it, walked past it, and walked away from it to set that scene up. It’s more infuriating because the next scene takes place on a bench, they could have done the whole scene from that instead.

Kraven The Hunter – Worst line ever

“She died after that, and I never saw her again”. I don’t think I need to explain why that line is terrible.

The Watched/Watchers – The Entire Third Act

The way it’s written, and the way it’s shot and scored etc leads you to believe the film is about to end. Everything about the scene says it will, then it continues for another 20 or so minutes. 20 minutes which don’t really add anything. The very definition of “and another thing”. I know this was based on a book, but there was a better way of setting it up than they did here.

Trap – Well That’s Just Bad Blocking

I want to say “every moment Saleka is onscreen” but I’m going to get very specific. There’s a shot near the end where Josh’s character is sitting down and talking, and there’s a HUGE corner of the screen being blocked off by an overhanging cupboard. In terms of shot composition, it’s hard to find anything worse in a seasoned directors work. It makes it look like he’s just poking his head around

Winner

Twisters – Near vehicular manslaughter

It feels unfair to put this in the “worst moment” section, let alone have them win it, because there are worse moments. But none negatively affected its movie as much as this one did. One of the first times we see a character, his recklessness and selfishness almost killed the main character by running her off the road. I found it REALLY difficult to like him after that. I didn’t find him charming, I found him annoying because I knew what he was capable of, the kind of person who would throw knives at you “as a joke”, the kind of prick who’d mock your recently dead family members “for the bantz”. Delete that moment, and I’d have liked him. But that few seconds? Nope.

2024 Film Awards: Day Two (The Genre)

On By troubledproductionsIn AwardsLeave a comment

Funniest/Best Comedy

Nominees

Abigail

A horror comedy with a focus mainly on comedy. The assumption that any root vegetable would work instead of garlic is hilarious. The deaths are darkly funny, and the characters are human enough that the jokes work. You won’t put it on if you need a comedy, but you are going to laugh regardless.

American Fiction

This got a huge laugh from me within a few minutes. When a very white woman says she’s not comfortable reading a book with racial slurs in, and is told by her (black) lecturer she’ll get used to it; with as much disdain as he can possibly manage. The laughs keep coming, and keep getting more inappropriate.

Deadpool And Wolverine

Yes, you can argue that Deadpools shtick is getting a bit old at this point, that the main reason you associate “red” with Deadpool isn’t because of his suit, but because that’s the colour of the flag associated with any man who says that’s his favourite character.

Seize Them!

This is not a great movie. It’s certainly not an intelligent movie, but it is funny. Sometimes all you want in life is a dumb distraction with jokes about cleaving people’s arses off and then shoving them up whatever remains of their arse. I respect a film that ends with a joke about a fatal wanking accident, perfectly sums up what the film is about.

The Fall Guy

Ryan Babygoose is a treasure and must be protected at all costs. His role in Barbie helped showcase that he’s actually pretty good at comedy, with great timing. That reputation continues with The Fall Guy; where his previous reputation as a leading man is combined with great dialogue and (lets face it) incredible stunts. You won’t remember many lines from it, but you will remember that you were thoroughly entertained.

Wicked Little Letters

America thinks of Olivia Colman as an Oscar-winning actress, which she is. Yet to British comedy fans, she will always be Sophie from Peep Show; a foul-mouthed ball of disgust and anger. It’s great to see her slip back into these roles, and part of that is due to how much of a surprise it must be to American audiences. Truth be told, Wicked Little Letters doesn’t reach the heights it can, but it is comedic enough to be worth watching. It’s not Olivia, the supporting cast get their laughs too; backed up by a very believable script.

Winner

Boy Kills World

Obviously the voice of Archer was going to suit a voiceover in a comedic action movie. Skarsgard has tremendous physical comedic reactions, but it’s really H. Jon Benjamin that makes it work. Part of that is his performance, but the script is tremendous. Voice-over is sort of an easy way to get laughs because you don’t have to worry about other characters hearing them, so you can say whatever without it affecting the script. At times it’s ridiculous, but it’s always entertaining.

Worst Comedy

Dear Santa

The main issue here is one of tone. It feels like they had two or three different screenwriters and none of them could decide what kind of comedy they’d make, and they made no effort to talk to each other to make a cohesive script. It veers from “this is a joke for 15 year olds” to kids comedy sometimes in the same scene.

Red One

Again, a question of tone. Christmas movies are allowed to veer a little young, but this takes the cookie. I don’t mind dumb, but this is borderline insulting.

The Whip

The script is fine—it’s the strongest part. But the performances (one in particular) are distractingly bad. There are also some really weird directorial choices that take audience members out. The most egregious example is when they walk past the place they plan to rob just so they can do the “turn around” reveal. From our point of view, it’s a reveal, but from the characters? It was in their periphery for most of the conversation.

Unfrosted

Just because you have a successful television show doesn’t mean your success will translate to film. None of the four cast members (nor co-creator Larry David) have managed to transition to film with much success. Unfrosted doesn’t break that streak. It wants to be Airplane, but is more like an air crash. It has too many different comedians all vying for space, with none of them doing enough to stand out. It is REALLY funny, but it’s also too forgettable for me to really recommend.

Winner

The Garfield Movie

Speaking of successful television that has not managed to transition to movies; Garfield. Part of that is down to Chris Pratt. He’s trying too hard, he’s not sardonic, he’s happy. The whole film is actually far too happy. It reminds me of the casting call for Artemis Fowl which described him as a happy child who spreads joy. There’s weird sci-fi elements that don’t suit the franchise. It feels like nobody involved actually wanted to make a Garfield movie.

Scariest/Best Horror

Abigail

Abigail is a movie of inconsistency. The heist elements at the start seem incredibly dated and ineffective. The horror moments? Now they’re pretty cool. I like when horror movies have an elegance towards them, especially vampire ones. Abigail is full of elegance, to the point where it feels like the movie isn’t so much happening, as floating through your consciousness. The scene where the titular character dances with a corpse is particularly creepy and wonderful.

I Saw The TV Glow

I was hesitant to count this as a horror movie. It’s not traditionally “scary”, but it has to be said there is something incredibly unsettling about it. The visuals, the music, it all adds up to something that will stay with you long after the credits roll. There’s something oddly ethereal about the whole experience, it’s akin to being hypnotised to sadness; draining you of any joy you have.

Late Night With The Devil

Yes, you’ll be able to telegraph every single story beat and twist. But you will still be unsettled by how well that cliches are pulled off. Yes, the scares are basic, but it’s effective. The old-school filter makes it feel like we’re voyeuristically viewing something forbidden. This isn’t a “watch alone at night and be terrified” movie, it’s a “watch with others and share that scared experience”, a bit like the parade of slashers that were released in the 90s, but much better.

Immaculate/The First Omen

I’m linking these two because they’re very similar. It’s highly unlikely there’s anybody who only likes one of them. They’re similar not just in terms of themes and styles, but also the scares. I recommend them both, but The Omen first because the way it ties into the first one makes it slightly more interesting; it also has one of my favourite jump scares of all time. Immaculate leans more into body horror, but not so much so that it’s defined by it. It’s difficult to separate them, but thankfully I don’t need to.

Winner

Alien: Romulus

There are different types of horror movies, there are ones which fuck your head up for days and mentally scar you (hello The VVitch), some are technically horror movies but are more entertaining than scary (Scream etc), and some are just hateful and gross (Thanksgiving). Then there’s Romulus, which is a masterclass of tension. There are times when it amps up the action and it becomes an action movie, but those moments are few and far between. Mostly, it’s slow-burn tension which leaves you on the edge of your seat. The Alien franchise is full of iconography which does half the job for you; once you see that familiar shape you’re already set up to be scared. The payoff still needs to be effective though, and Romulus pulls it off. The Xenomorphs are absolutely terrifying in this, coming off as something you don’t so much defeat as survive and escape from. THIS is the Alien we’ve been taught to fear, and with good reason.

Worst Horror

Nominees

AfrAId

This feels like they had nothing past the original idea. The idea is good, and is very timely. But the script itself is lacking. The trouble is, the characters can only exist within a horror movie. There’s no justification for some of the behaviour and character decisions outside of “this is creepy”. It’s trying SO hard to be a horror movie, that it ends up failing at being one because you can see the machinations too clearly.

Imaginary

This had so much potential. They could have gone literally anywhere with it, instead, they went so generic that if it was a meal it would be plain porridge. There are some neat moments, but nowhere near enough to justify its existence. It doesn’t play up the whole “child imagination” to its fullest extent. Think of Among The Sleep, how that managed to take childhood perspectives and fears, then transcend them to be fearful to adults. There’s none of that here.

The Watchers/Watched

Again, this had a lot of potential. For the majority of the runtime I was sitting there thinking “this is fine, nothing special but not too bad”. As it got to the end (as defined by cinematic language) I put my coat on and got ready to leave.

It continued, for a LONG time. The entire final third act feels tacked on. I remember when I saw Avatar 2: More Avatar, and there was a specific moment where you could feel the air get sucked out of the room. This was close to that, and the only reason it’s not closer is because nobody cared about this damn movie in the first place.

Tarot

It feels like every year we get a horror movie based on curses. They all have the exact same aesthetic, the same characters, and the same plot points. They’re essentially indistinguishable from each other. They’re usually all shit (this, Wish Upon, Truth Or Dare, which I’m double annoyed about because Truth Or Scare was right there). This is no different. They all have the same problem; characters who are so dimensional that they’re essentially Flintstones characters, lazy writing, generic soundtracks. There is nothing to make this stand out from any other similar films. I think even if you had the director at gunpoint, they couldn’t finish the sentence “you need to watch Tarot because……”

The Crow

I went in with low expectations but holy fuck! It couldn’t even match those. I thought it might be, at the very least, watchable. Barely.

Trap

A movie that disregards its most interesting premise. It’s called “Trap”, it’s about someone who is Trapped, he leaves the building. It would have been much more interesting if he was actually trapped, and the whole movie took place in the building. It would be incredibly tense and dramatic. Instead, we get a film so generic that if it was a colour, it would be light beige.

Winner

Night Swim

This movie is fucking stupid, and isn’t even fun enough to make up for that. I know for some of these, I have written an entire paragraph. Night Swim doesn’t deserve that.

2024 Film Awards: Day One

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Saddest

Nominees

I Saw The TV Glow

A lot of TV Glow is too weird to be counted here. But there’s a scene near the end which is as bleak as it gets. The main character is at work, older, with no achievements, and he has a full-on breakdown, screaming that he’s dying. It’s not the breakdown that is sad or the fact he’s wasted his life, it’s the utter callousness of the other characters, who all just ignore him.

Inside Out 2

I remember when I came out the screening of this, and a little kid said to their parent “That didn’t make sense, why would someone’s brain be against them?”.

Oh that sweet summer child.

Joker: Folie A Deux

The film itself is not good. But there’s a scene in the court where one of his former friends is testifying about Arthur killing someone in his presence in the first movie. He’s talking about how he’s never felt as much fear as he did at that moment, how it haunts him and completely ruined his life. The fear in his voice, and Arthurs reaction to it, when he finally realises the damage he caused, it’s just….it hints at a much better film than what we got.

Civil War

Specifically for the scene where they come across the piles of dead bodies. I mentioned in my review that there was a moment where I felt I had to leave, this was the moment. It’s…..it’s harrowing.

One Life

The first of two holocaust movies in these nominations. The guilt the character feels for not being able to do more oozes off every scene. It’s helped by some pretty darn good performances. This is more personal than the other holocaust movie, and definitely has more parallels to modern life (sadly). This was the first 2024 film I saw, I probably should have gone with something a bit happier. To quote my original review (and still one of my favourite paragraphs):

“It’s a good reminder that the people being helped aren’t soldiers, politicians, or anybody who had a choice in the war or where they live. They were just children who were at constant risk of being arrested and executed just for existing in their current location or as their current ethnicity/religion. It’s impossible to comprehend something similar in modern society.

Unless you’re Ukrainian

or Palestinian”

The Zone Of Interest

Look at what the film about, that should indicate why this film was nominated. I was not a massive fan of this film, but when it worked, it REALLY worked, with one of the characters’ emotional breakdowns mirroring yours (only you’re hopefully not a nazi). But the real sadness comes from how unaffected people are. It’s harrowing how normalised genocide is to some of them, with one of them admitting he couldn’t pay attention to a speech because all he could think about was how he could gas everybody in the room. It’s callous, cruel, and far too true.

Winner

The Iron Claw

Obviously, this was going to be here. I knew the story, and I’m still unsure if that made it better or worse. I want to watch this with someone who knows nothing, to see what’s worse. Because I knew what was going to happen, I saw the set-ups and the train of sadness approach with full knowledge of what would happen. But the surprises may catch you off guard if you don’t know. You may sit there thinking “Ohhhh, one of the brothers died, this is so sad” and think that’s it, that’s the end of the sadness. Spoilers; THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE SADNESS! It just keeps going and going. Yes, it may feel a bit weird to put a film about a singular family as sadder than a holocaust movie, but I argue that’s due to the emotional connections made with the characters. Yes, the numbers are smaller (much smaller), but it hits harder. That’s not sociopathic, it’s natural. It’s why people view the funerals of a relative as sadder than earthquakes in another country. Sadness is all about emotion, and few films are better at realising that than this.

Weirdest

Nominees

Argylle

Not all weird is good. Sometimes weird is a skiing action scene taking place on a floor coated in oil, just after a smoke-filled dance scene set to a song even Waitrose customers would describe as “a bit soppy”. It’s creative, I’ll give it that. It’s not like anything else you’ll see. But it’s also kind of embarrassing to watch. With some baffling creative decisions in terms of visuals.

Boy Kills World

This leans into its oddness, with some truly jaw-dropping fight scenes alongside some “lol, the main character is deaf” scenes. Imagine if John Wick was a comedy, written by the creators of Airplane before they went all right-wing and “People holding a right-wing president to account are all terrorists!”.

Longlegs

Maybe “weird” isn’t the word I’m looking for here. “Utterly disturbing” would be more accurate. What makes the weirdness stand out is how normal the rest of the film is. A lot of it is played like a straight detective drama, so when Cage is on-screen, or when the murders themselves are looked into, it feels even weirder than it would if it was spooky spooky woo all the way through (like Malum was)

The Beast

This is weird in a non-English movie way. I’m not even sure if “weird” is the right word, I’d say more “hypnotic”. Each scene on its own is relatively normal, but when you see how they interact with each other and tie into the overall narrative, the oddness reveals itself like a flasher on a street corner. It’s a strange watch, where you constantly have to adjust your expectations of traditional narrative structure, remembering scenes that happened in a different time, and playing the current scene alongside that in your head. Essentially, it’s the narrative version of a Mobius strip.

Winner

Poor Things

From the second the trailer came you could tell this was going to be weird. I heard Kinds Of Kindness was weirder, but I wasn’t able to go to the screening of that for health reasons. Poor Things is unique in every aspect. From the script, the story, the performances, the music, and the visuals. There are moments it’s too weird, mainly with the audio being discordant which made it difficult to focus. Emma Stone is on top of her game, you can truly believe she’s not in full control of her faculties. The visuals are also unlike anything else. Not just in the lens choices, but also wit the use of colour, particularly on the exterior shots which at times resemble paintings. You may not agree with every choice made, but it’s easy to tell that everything WAS a choice, nothing was accidental or left to chance. At the very least you have to respect that.

Sweetest

Venom: The Last Dance

Not the whole film, but there are moments which are incredibly touching. Two moments stick out. One is when Venom dances in a hotel room. That’s let down by how out of place it is, but in the moment it’s very sweet to see. The next is probably my favourite scene from the film; the family singing a David Bowie song. There’s a simple truth to the scene that rings through and makes you nostalgic for an experience you’ve never had. As I’ve said before; there are moments when the Venom series has shown just how much potential it has, but not many moments where it’s lived up to them.

Alien: Romulus

Almost entirely due to the relationship between two of the characters, Films like Alien have a problem; how do you make the characters smart enough to be in this situation but not quite smart enough to see the issues before they happen? You can’t have a film where scientists land on a planet then immediately remove their helmets and get infected. Okay, you can have that, but you shouldn’t. One way to excuse characters as making rash decisions is personal emotions. Zombie movies have nailed this down, with almost every single one having a scene where someone is infected and a loved one is hesitant to kill them, resulting in chaos. Romulus has similar moments, where the characters’ love for each other is the driving motivation for what would otherwise be questionable choices. Despite the fact one of them is an android, it’s a very human relationship

Babes

A movie like this lives and dies on the romantic relationship seeming believable. That’s difficult to do when we only meet one of the characters once and then he dies. The meet-cute is so damn believable that it actually made me jealous. Yes, one of the participants dies, but the moments they spend together? It’s fucking adorable.

Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person

Again, fucking adorable. This could be terrible and melodramatic. But the central relationship is damn cute that you can’t help but fall in love with it. HVSCSP is flawed, but without the moments (particularly the two of them just sitting there listening to music), it would be a failure. With them? It’s genuinely lovely.

Paddington In Peru

Do I even need to justify this? It’s a Paddington movie, OF COURSE, it’s going to be adorable.

Thelma

It’s difficult to not watch this and fall a little bit in love with how lovely June Squibb is. She plays her role perfectly, with a mix of defencelessness and aged smarts. I like how Thelma didn’t just do the “old lady does a rap” style of comedy. The jokes have actual heart to them, it’s why it works. What could be just a silly dumb comedy, is actually a heartwarming look at ageing, family, and the defenceless you can feel after being scammed. The relationship between her and her grandson are delightfully sweet.

Winner

Monster

I had no idea what Monster was going in, I assumed it wasn’t a biography of the drinks company or the Imagine Dragons song. For a large period of the runtime of the film, I still wasn’t sure. Monster isn’t a film, it’s a puzzle that gradually reveals itself to you. But when it does? Oh my science is it worth it. Once you realise the romantic relationship at the heart of the Rashomon-style narrative, your heart will melt. It may seem like it comes out of nowhere, but that’s only because your brain wasn’t trained to read the foreshadowing. The two characters interacting is damn adorable, especially with the conflicted feelings they obviously have, knowing how the world is against their pairing.

Most Me

This is both the easiest and hardest to explain. They’re essentially the films I think are closest to my personality. Sometimes that’s “These are the films I feel I would have made”, sometimes it’s “I have never identified with a character more”.

American Fiction

It shifts skilfully between incredibly unsubtle satire about race in 2020’s America (especially in regards to expectations and preconceptions placed upon black people), to discussions about family trauma, and then ridiculously silly dialogue about nothing. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, it makes you feel things. I could never write this movie, but I would really want to.

The Iron Claw

It’s a wrestling movie, this was going to be here. I’m a huge professional wrestling fan, and the backstage stories are fucking insane sometimes. You need a certain personality type to be involved in the business, and those personality types tend to do crazy shit. There are a lot of stories from the history of it which would make good films, but I’m not sure any would be as heartbreaking as this.

Winner

Sometimes I Think About Dying

Yes, I rated this movie lower than the others on this list. So it’s not the best movie of the year, but it is the one I would show people if they wanted to know me. I really identified with the lead character and understood her feelings of preferred isolation. The dreary drudge of day-to-day domestication and how you escape into bleak fantasies to feel something is all too relatable. There’s also something to be said about how she craves human connection but denies it to herself, sabotaging her best chances of happiness and romantic relationships. Yet again, the character I related most to in a movie is a woman, that just keeps happening for some reason.

Heart Eyes (2025) Review

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Quick synopsis: Every Valentine’s Day, a serial killer attacks couples. This year is no different.

I watched this the same day as Love Hurts, another Valentine’s Day-based movie with a twist. Heart Eyes is better, I’ll lead with that. Not to say it’s perfect, I have very specific problems with it that I’ll go into later, but it is mostly a pretty fun watch. My big issue is one that I can easily see some people actually liking, it’s all down to personal preference, as all reviews are.

I don’t think the script of the original Scream (as in the movie, not the painting, the script for that is only worth 1000 thousand words) is as highly regarded as it should be. It’s not just a horror movie, it’s a well-crafted mystery. There are clues, red herrings, along with lots of foreshadowing. The reveal is stupendous, when you hear it, you feel as if you should go “Ohhhh, well that’s obvious now I know the answer”. You don’t get that with Heart Eyes. Part of that is because it doesn’t build up the background characters that much. Scream had a large pool of suspects to draw from, so as you watched it, your brain was juggling between them, trying to figure out which one could be the killer. Heart Eyes only provides you with one option, doing all it can to signpost that this person is the killer. So either there’s no mystery, or it’s wasted its time giving you only red herrings instead of actual clues, neither of which is particularly narratively satisfying. The reveal itself is…..well it won’t end up on the list of greatest killer reveals, put it that way.

That’s a shame because if the mystery aspect was handled better, Heart Eyes would be a top 5 horror movie of the year, easily (probably still will be, but it is at risk). It does what I like my horror movies to do; have non-horror moments that are still interesting to watch. The central romance between Ally and Jay is lovely to see. It helps that Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding have really good chemistry. Their meet-cute is legit adorable. Take out the murders and you could easily frame this as a straight romcom.

So how about the horror moments? They’re fucking great. Companion (the other love-themed horror movie of the month) was a better movie, but Heart Eyes had MUCH better kills. They’re brutal, but not gratuitous. It doesn’t shy away from showing you the outcomes, people get squashed in machines and there’s a lot of blood, people get holes in their heads, and stabbed in places. “Holes in the head” does sometimes mean weird body physics in film, we’ve all seen horror movies where the killer punches someone and somehow their fist makes a hole in their skull. Moments like that can really pull you out of the movie because they’re not scary, they turn horror movies into cartoons with characters made of paper. Thankfully, that’s not the case here. Yes, characters do get attacked and end up looking like a polo mint, but the way it happens often makes sense in terms of physics, you can easily see how what happened COULD break through someone’s skull. The attacks all have weight to them, when people get hit with an object, you can feel the pain it causes, and you know they’re not going to get up. This helps it feel scarier and more violent, the realism makes it easy to buy into the concept that this is real.

What also helps sell the illusion of reality is how people react. They panic but try to not overdo it. There’s no “everybody in the country locks themselves in their homes”, because (as COVID showed), people wouldn’t do that. But people still took precautions (just like COVID), because everybody realised this is a big deal and to not do at least something would be incredibly selfish (just like…..oh wait, not like COVID, people were selfish during that). Restaurants that take bookings on that day carry out checks for weapons because you would in that situation. What’s not realistic is that this is still America, and there’s no “just because there’s a serial killer around doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to bring my gun everywhere I go. Yes, even into a restaurant, table for one since my wife left me, but gun didn’t. Gun still loves me” pushback from Fox News.

For two-thirds of this movie, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but the reveal REALLY let it down. As did two characters who were just unrealistically stupid, even for a horror movie. It is still a really solid 7.5/10, but it could have been so much more.

Companion (2025) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A weekend getaway turns bloody and violent when a subservient android that’s built for human companionship goes haywire.

First Scream (the “new” one, not the original), now Companion. Why do female partners of Jack Quaid keep getting set on fire in horror movies? Amber Midthunder should be relieved that Novocaine will be an action movie instead of a horror (a movie I’m genuinely looking forward to by the way). On the subject of Quaid, why hasn’t anybody cast him as the son of Joshua Jackson in anything? He looks more like him than he does his own dad. Anyway, enough dilly-dallying, on with the actual review.

Companion is god damn delight. More of a thriller than it is a traditional horror movie. That doesn’t underplay the deaths by the way, when characters do die, it’s horrific. Some of the deaths are incredibly cathartic too, it’s good to see bad things happen to bad people. A lot of horror movie writers know this, but make the mistake of writing every character to be an insufferable dickbag (were there any tears for any of the characters in Unfriended outside of tears that it took so long?). In those cases, while you get catharsis, you’re also spending all your time with characters you don’t like, so it’s not an enjoyable experience. While most of the characters in Companion are unlikeable, it’s in a very human way and they’re still entertaining to watch. A lot of is due to the performances; there’s something inherently likeable about Jack Quaid even when he is being an incel douch, Harvey Guillen is too adorable for words, and Megan Suri? There’s something about her performance that is intoxicating to see, she has tremendous presence and feels like she’s destined for leading roles. It’s hard to explain why without giving away spoilers, but Lukas Cage pulls off a fascinating performance.

The story? It’s interesting. Yes, it can be argued that the trailer gives away too much, but Companion still has enough tricks up its sleeves to entertain you. You go in knowing what is happening, but the “why” is just as interesting to see play out. I like that Companion is unashamedly feminist AF, taking multiple shots at male entitlement and inadequacy. I’ve seen some defenders of the character in this, saying “he’s just lonely, why is that seen as a bad thing to want someone?” which would be a fair point, loneliness is a huge issue and one that does need a solution. But it’s very telling that when he’s asked to create his “perfect” partner, he tones down her intelligence significantly. He doesn’t want an equal partner, the robot is not to provide love or to share experiences with; it’s to fuck and to have it fawn over him.

There is a feeling that it is holding back at times. She increases her intelligence, but it doesn’t change that much of the plot (although it may be why she decides to switch language at one point in a scene which is, well it’s genius). There are other moments like that; where it comes up with a cool idea but then doesn’t do the most with it.

Those are very minor nitpicks though. Companion is among the best films I’ve seen in a while. It’s slick, stylish without being overly so, violent without being cruel, and it invites discussion and conversation. It’s smart without being pretentious, modern without risking being dated quickly, and digestible without being dumb. I want more horror movies like this. I also want to see Sophie Thatcher in more stuff, as she seems cool. On an equal level with Anya Taylor-Joy for expressive eyes perfect for horror movies. I caught a preview of this a few days before it came out, and I already know I’m going to buy it when it comes out on blu-ray.

Wolf Man (2025) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Blake Lovell (Christopher Abbot) takes his wife and kid on a vacation to his childhood home. His vacation-as-marriage-counselling efforts are somewhat thwarted by a therianthropic threat intent on killing.

I’m a fan of Christopher Abbott, based ENTIRELY on the fact that I liked the first film I saw him in (On The Count Of Three). Wolf Man having him as the lead, combined with it being made by Leigh Whannell (writer of Saw, director of The Invisible Man) got my hopes up high.

Maybe too high. I didn’t dislike Wolf Man. The last wolf-based movie I watched at the cinema was (I think, but I could be wrong) Wolf, a film so bad that I live-blogged it for Halloween a few years ago, and I haven’t live-blogged anything since. This is nowhere near as bad as that. The score on Metacritic currently stands at 50%, which seems fair. It’s as middle-of-the-road as a dead badger. Not much really stands out as either a negative or a positive.

The biggest negative for me was the story itself. The cause of the transformation feels unearned. It’s as close to “character was bitten by a zombie, but the audience doesn’t realise” as it’s possible to get. He’s in an accident, stuff happens, and he gets scratched by the “wolf” attacking him. He starts transforming later on, and you do get the feeling that you’ve missed something. It’s all the more baffling because near the end of his transformation, there is a moment where his leg is grabbed and he’s attacked. That would have made a much more logical cause for the infection, and it wouldn’t have been in the middle of a car crash scene. The reveal of who the Wolf Man that’s attacking them is is so obvious that I’m not sure it even counts as a twist. “Hmmmm, this character mysteriously disappeared 30 years ago in this very area, and now we’re being attacked by something with slight human characteristics that’s been haunting these wolves for decades. I wonder if those two things are linked?”

The visual effects are fine, I guess? Nothing will ever top An American Werewolf In London for a transformation sequence with weight and body horror, there are moments where Wolf Man comes close, but then there are also moments where it looks a little bit goofy.

On the plus side, the performances are good, Abbot is good enough that you forgive him for Kraven The Hunter (although I completely forgot he was even in that), the biggest issue I have with Matilda Firth is that she was born in 2014 and that makes me feel old. I was most impressed with Julia Garner. She has such a great look, it’s a mix between 80’s Scream Queen and Classic Hollywood Beauty mixed with a smidgen of Crazy Art Teacher/Madonna. She’s in the new Fantastic Four movie which I’m now looking forward to 12% more because of her involvement.

I also have to praise Wolf Man for the scenes from Blake’s world. The visuals, the audio etc all combine to create something new and also make sense. Once the colour change happens you somehow INSTANTLY know that we’re now in his perspective. It would have been so easy to demonstrate it by saying, “This is what he can see,” in a POV shot, but keeping it in a third-person viewpoint is much more visually interesting. It also allows for transitions between Blake’s version of reality and reality reality to be smoother than a Barry White ballad. As a writer, it’s easy to see moments where you think “I would not have done that”, but as a director, it’s difficult to not be thoroughly impressed with what Whannell has pulled off. I have criticised this film, but I appreciate that it made an effort. It instilled emotional scenes, it added character depth so they all seem like actual humans as opposed to just “characters in a horror movie”. So while I have criticised it, I would MUCH rather something like this exist than “Generic Horror Movie Number 57”.

Nosferatu (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Do you really need me to tell you the story for this? Just watch the original.

There was a lot of hype for this. I have been excited since I first heard of it back in 2016, even mentioning how I was looking forward to it in my review of The Witch (or The VVitch). Many journalists and critics raved about early screenings of it.

But then I heard from actual people; moviegoers who I like and respect. Their feedback wasn’t quite as positive. And I agree with them, I was not a fan of this movie. For whatever reason, I just didn’t care about what I was seeing. I haven’t seen the original from the 1920s, but I know it (mainly through the Kill Count video I recently watched). At no point while watching New-sferatu did I feel I was watching something original. It never felt like anything other than a remake. It’s so heavily indebted to its sources that it never feels like it has its own identity.

My other issue is the filming style. A lot of dialogue is delivered straight to the camera, from the receiving person’s POV. As such, there’s a disconnect between everybody, it kind of reminds me of television shows made during COVID where everybody had to socially distance themselves.

Eggers is a fantastic filmmaker, there’s no doubt about that. The visual style is arresting, with every frame mesmerising and haunting, particularly with the use of light and shadow. As a storyteller? I’m afraid that’s his weakness. None of the characters seem that interesting, Ellen Hunter, in particular feeling more of a storytelling device than an actual character. The title character also doesn’t seem that interesting. He’s played well, looks good, but the character itself doesn’t seem to have any presence; when he’s not onscreen, you don’t feel him looming over the narrative.

The performances are fine, Lily-Rose Depp has a haunted look which really suits the character and themes, Nicholas Hoult was made for these movies, and Dafoe continues to be fucking weird. Dafoe and Eggers work well together, their styles suit each other.

Like I said; all the technical parts? Brilliant. All the parts that require how to make a movie? Brilliant. All the parts that require imagination and heart? Lacking. Remakes should showcase and do what couldn’t be done in the original. All we have here is more of the same. It doesn’t remind me of classic Dracula stories, what it does remind me of? Gus Van Sant’s remake of Psycho.

2024 In Film: Day Seven (The Good)

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Immaculate
Ups: Good chemistry between performances.
Great score.
Downs: Wastes potential.
Sweeney isn’t quite a strong enough performer for large sections.
Best Performer: Benedetta Porcaroli. Sweeney is great in the final section, but she’s too weak in the opening two-thirds to really be effective.
Best Moment: The entire final third.
Worst Moment: Sister Gwens’ death, happens off-screen and we should have seen it.
Opening: A nun tries to escape through a locked gate but instead gets her leg broken and is buried alive. Standard horror movie opening but it does let you into the fact that the nuns are evil, which is obvious anyway, but at least TRY to have a mystery.
Closing: She gives birth to the antichrist, bites through her own umbilical cord, and then kills the baby with a giant rock. Shocking, disturbing, and so well made.
Best Line: “If this is not the will of God, why does God not stop us?”. I used a similar line the time I got urinating in the font, just before I was struck by lightning.
Original review here

Jackpot
Ups: Satirical brilliance.
Some brilliant lines.
Pretty damn good soundtrack.
Downs: Issues with the plot are so big you can drive a bus through them.
Tonally inconsistent.
Best Performer: John Cena
Best Moment: The wax museum. So fun.
Worst Moment: The villain reveals, only because it’s so obvious that you’re surprised the characters didn’t see it coming.
Opening: A text narration explaining the premise. Bleak but comedic. Then Sean William Scott running down a street being chased by a mob
Closing: She survives, they become rich, and massive pricks. There are some outtakes too, which are pretty fun to see.
Best Line: “The California Grand Lottery © started during the Great Depression of 2026. The New Government was desperate for money and so was the public. It was simple. Kill the winner before sundown and legally take their jackpot. The only rule? No guns. No Bullets Some people call it dystopian. But those people are no fun. LOS ANGELES 2030” Sets the tone perfectly.
Original review here

Poor Things
Ups: Breathtaking visuals.
Unique.
Good ensemble cast.
Downs: Some of the music is physically painful to hear.
Repeats itself a lot.
Might be too weird for some.
The idea that so many men are sexually attracted to someone with the brain and capabilities of a baby is………strange.
Best Performer: Emma Stone
Best Moment: Harry showing Bella cruelty. It’s heartbreaking.
Worst Moment: Duncan finds Bella’s hidden money, mainly because if he didn’t find it then the story would advance in the exact same way.
Opening: A suicide. It’s always a weird way to open a film, but it’s good. It lets you know the visuals straight away.
Closing: The weird family dynamic characters all live together, with the evil ex-husband now having the brain of a goat. I genuinely assumed they were just going to put the dying Dafoe brain in his body, kind of surprised they didn’t.
Best Line: “I’m going to punch that baby”
Original Review here

The Beast
Ups: Hypnotic.
If you stick with it, it makes sense.
Definitely a relief that a film called “The Beast”, based on a piece of work from 1903, and released in 2024, isn’t subtly racist.
Downs: The directing style will be divisive.
The narrative could be clearer at parts.
The central concept doesn’t kick in for 20 minutes
It does the “imagine spot” trick too often.
Best Performer: George MacKay. He is such a good actor. His incel speech is brilliant
Best Moment: The introduction to the 2014 world where Louis is an incel dickbag.
Worst Moment: The earthquake is pretty weak
Opening: Gabrielle is acting in a room comprised entirely of green screen, being ordered around by a director.It then kind of dissolves into he title. Weird, doesn’t really intrigue you and force you to continue watching, but doesmake you wonder “how weird is this going to be?” Especially since it then goes into what looks like an 18th century party of nobility.
Closing: The classic “invasion of the body snatchers” ending. But then it does something very cool, instead of end credits, it has a QR code. The downside is that in a few years they will likely forget to keep up the domain rights, that WILL lead to either porn or a virus.
Best Line: “Tell me why, at parties, we seek the people with whom we live and whom we see every day?”
Original review here

The First Omen
Ups: Some great scares.
Good performances.
Unsettling body horror.
Decent twists.
Downs: Too reverential of the original.
Best Performer: Nell Tiger Free
Best Moment: The childbirth scene about halfway through. Very unsettling.
Worst Moment: The ending, drags.
Opening: Two Fathers (of the religious variety) discuss an evil occult plot. One of whom then dies brutally and with a pie-sized chunk missing from his skull. The death is horrific and scary, but it’s also only done like that as a reference to the original.
Closing: The demon child has been delivered to the correct person. Which we knew. He’s been called Damien. This just confirms it is the same child as the original, which we would have guessed.
Best Line: “What’s not real?” the line itself isn’t great, but its use is my favourite jump-scare of modern times.
Original review here

The Substance
Ups: Creepy.
Some great body horror
Amazing performances.
As subtle as a brick, a brick to the face, a brick to the face with the words “older women have value too and we need to stop placing so much of a woman worth on how men perceive her beauty” written on it, which would be a pretty fucking big brick.
Downs: REALLY loses focus and steam in the final third.
The world feels too protagonist-centered. There’s no indication that the world of this film exists outside of these characters. Every person in this universe exists solely to serve the narrative, there’s no attempt to make it feel lived in. If it sorted this out, it would be at least 2 blogs up, but it REALLY hurts it and kind of dampens the message.
“Look how disgusting the way we treat women is” followed by lots of close-ups of tits and buttcheeks. I get that that’s the point, but still.
Best Performer: Demi Moore
Best Moment: The first transformation.
Worst Moment: It repeats a dream sequence. Not really necessary.
Opening: A walk of fame star being constructed then neglected. The “look at how the world ignores this star until it cracks under pressure” double meaning isn’t exactly subtle. But it looks gorgeous.
Closing: Elisabeth’s face crawls out onto her own star then dissolves into nothingness before wiped away by a floor scrubber. Like I said, not subtle.
Best Line: Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself? Younger, more beautiful, more perfect. One single injection unlocks your DNA, starting a new cellular division, that will release another version of yourself. This is the Substance. You are the matrix. Everything comes from you. Everything is you. This is simply a better version of yourself. You just have to share. One week for one and one week for the other. A perfect balance of seven days each. The one and only thing not to forget: You. Are. One. You can’t escape from yourself
Original review here

Thelma
Ups: Very sweet.
Funny.
Pretty darn good chemistry between the two leads.
Teaches you basic cyber security.
I found it very funny how when she called her old friends she went through a list of various deaths and then “moved to Cleveland?”
Downs: The use of focus on the surroundings may be distracting to some.
Richard Roundtree has since passed and this was his final film.
Doesn’t quite run with the concept as much as it could.
Best Performer: June Squibb. Obviously.
Best Moment: The villain reveal.
Worst Moment: The phone call with the ex doesn’t seem as important as it could
Opening: Thelma being shown how to operate her e-mails by her grandson. Then the two sit around. Very sweet interactions between the two. Did kind of make me miss my nan though so boo for that.
Closing: She succeeds. That’s the real ending, but then it continues. But I don’t mind. Because whilst the story is over, the themes continue, and the post-story interactions are so sweet and wonderful that it’s heartwarming. She then twats a cockroach with a newspaper.
Best Line: “If I fall over I’m toast, that’s why I don’t fall”
Original review here

Woman Of The Hour
Ups: Creepy.
Never pretends to be anything that it isn’t.
Kendrick is a pretty damn good director.
Made with passion.
Downs: Somewhat weak narrative
Muddled story.
Doesn’t make the most of the premise.
Best Performer: Anna Kendrick
Best Moment: When she asks her own questions.
Worst Moment: Valentine’s day car ride with one of his victims. Just feels a bit superfluous and kills momentum.
Opening: A guy takes photos of a woman in an isolated exterior. You can tell he’s creepy because he has long hair. Some beautiful establishing shots though. Yup, he kills her, and it’s REALLY well shot.
Closing: The truth is fucking infuriating. He was released on bail where he then killed more people.
Best Line: “Did you feel seen?” “I felt looked at”
Original review here