5 Video Games We Need Sequels/Remakes Of

Very similar to the last one, only this time it won’t be franchises I’m looking at, I’ll be focusing on one-off games that for some reason never got a sequel. Here I’m mainly looking at the very weird, and the incredibly wonderful. The newest game here is 18 years old, so I think it’s safe to say that for all of these if there was going to be a sequel it would have happened by now. I mean, can you imagine doing a sequel in 2020 to something released in the ’90s? It would never work.

Space Station Silicon Valley (N64: 1998)

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Okay, this is a weird game (expect that to be a recurring theme throughout this blog btw). Originally released in the late ’90s, when Sega was still a big deal, and the PlayStation was huge. The video game market was huge at the time in terms of variety, you had games where you could control a wide range of white people, muscle-bound men, heavily chested women, all of them were seen by marketers as the pinnacle of humanity. It’s in this environment where this game was released and you controlled……a computer chip. You see, this game is populated by robotic animals so you can jump into any dead robot animal and control them. It’s a wonderfully unique system which leads to different ways of playing the game. Every animal has two special skills, fox’s for example, can use a rocket boost, kangaroos can punch, sheep can go “baa” (oh, and they can float). This game is perfect for a reboot because of the animals, the merchandise potential is huge (50 animals-50 funko pops). Even if it’s not this game exactly, the idea of controlling a computer chip in a world of robots is brilliant. Can you picture that in an open-world game? The possibilities it will open up are endless and the potential for DLC is staggering.

B.O.B (SNES: 1993)

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Yup, another robot game. This one’s a platformer though. It has a weird sense of humour that’s kind of charming (the game starts with the main character crashing his dad’s space car into an asteroid whilst on a date). It’s a standard platformer but because you’re controlling a robot it means you have access to different attachments including helicopter blades, trampolines, etc. It has a good health system too, you gain health by just going into recharging points. This makes sense as, you know, it is a robot. I kind of love the look of it too, it has a kind of electric plant look. Look at the picture above, that’s how it deals with inside scenes, now look at the outside ones:

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I love the level of detail on everything, it makes it feel, I dunno, “squelchy”? So the whole thing feels alive, it feels like the character is on an alien world full of life. Now if this were to be remade today I’m not sure how it should be done, a 3D one would be kind of cool but I feel it would risk losing some of the charm it has. Plus some graphical styles only seem to work 2D, if this went 3D they’d either have to make it cel-shaded, or *shudders*, realistic. You need to keep this simple and fun, but I feel you could lean into making it funnier; maybe lean into making it more of a Metroid parody.

Glover (N64/Playstation: 1999)

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I’ll admit I haven’t actually played this game. It’s a late replacement for Zombies Ate My Neighbours, which I only today found out had a sequel to Ghoul Patrol, and as such isn’t eligible for this blog (shame as I LOVE LOVE LOVE that game). So, what causes this game to warrant a mention despite never having played it? Well, you play a glove, and the point of the game is to get a ball to the end of the level. Admit it, that is SUPER unique. You could even make that game a VR one with motion controls in the modern era. It’s not the most famous glove in video game history, that would be the power glove, and how was that received?

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Oh, not good then. So yeah it’s safe to say this is probably the best-received videogame based glove of all time. I admit that’s an extremely low bar but still.

This is a weird game, but it would also be a lot of fun for drunk people to play together. Do short levels where people make asses of themselves in front of their friends.

Blast Corps (N64: 1997)

This is a strange game, but once I tell you the premise of it you’ll wonder why it’s not been done since. Here goes: you have to destroy buildings to stop a runaway nuclear missile hitting them. Yes, it’s incredibly 90’s but it’s just so satisfying. In many ways it’s a puzzle game, you have to figure out the best way of achieving the goals with the tools at your disposal. And there’s a lot of tools (insert obvious joke here) for you to play with. Bulldozers, giant robots, the A-team van, all of them you can use. Personally, I feel that’s the games biggest weakness; there’s no consistency between levels. You’ll be driving a bulldozer in one level and the next one you’d have to attempt it with a dump truck when it would have been easier with the aforementioned dozer. There’s no reason given for you abandoning the vehicle at the end of every level and it’s just kind of weird as it makes no sense for the story. This is the biggest change I’d make. I’d also attempt to link the levels somehow so it’s a semi-open world. So each level is distinct but you drive through tunnels to get to the next one whilst it loads, giving the appearance of one continuous level (similar to how they did it in Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland). Have it so you can have any vehicle you’ve unlocked if you choose, BUT either have it so you have to pay attention to petrol levels, or have vehicle wear and tear so you don’t use the same one again and again.

Eternal Darkness (Gamecube: 2002)

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Would you believe that this moment FUCKED ME UP when I first played it?

Obviously, I was going to mention this. A psychological horror game where you have a sanity meter, and when that depletes, well, shit gets weird. By which I mean:

  • A character dramatically changes size, growing to become a giant, or shrinking to become tiny.
  • Blood drips off the walls
  • Paintings change from idyllic landscapes to hellish ones.
  • Statues come to life and look at you as you walk past them.

So far, so standard, right? I mean, it’s a neat quirk but nothing game-changing. But then it gets MUCH better when it doesn’t just get weird for the character, it does for the player too. It’s great as it starts messing with your head as you play it. Here are some of my favourites:

  • The screen goes blank, making it seem as if your TV has turned itself off.
  • The volume suddenly lowers.
  • The camera begins tilting.
  • The game will appear to reset.
  • A fly starts walking on the screen.

That last one genuinely got me, I went up to the screen and tried to swat it way. Clever bastards. I think this is a great idea and one I’d love to see implemented (why the Resident Evil or Outlast franchises haven’t done something similar I have no idea). It’s even more puzzling when you consider the multiple new ways players can be messed with. Just off the top of my head:

  • Lost internet connection.
  • Fake messages from your contacts.
  • Deleting all your games.
  • A message from the police saying they’ve found illegal content in your internet history (for PC version)

Even better (but MUCH trickier to do) would be to have it connect to a camera that is directed at the player and shown onscreen (like when you watch a lot of streamers on twitch etc). Then have THAT screen get fucked up, make it look like things are appearing behind them etc. This will also REALLY add to the experience of watching them being streamed. Another way; if people have headsets on where they’re talking to people then have fake voices on it. Now, these suggestions are intense and could lead to issues, but just imagine how shit scared you’ll be playing them.

That’s that done, which obvious ones did I miss? I know I’m probably missing A LOT of sega and PlayStation games, so let me know.

5 Video Games That Should Be Films

Yes, we’ve all had this discussion. “Oh my god, that would be an amazing film”, then you actually watch Street FighterSuper Mario Brosor anything by Uwe Boll and suddenly you blame video games for all that’s bad in the world. Maybe they’re picking the wrong games, or maybe they just don’t care as they know people will watch it anyway, who knows? But here’s five games they haven’t done yet, which I think could work, our reason for doing this? I dunno, can we blame it on Hardcore Henry basically being a FPS?

1. Eternal Darkness

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Hot damn I love this game. Scary, beautiful and with a fantastic story. It’s a horror that spans a thousand years and just four locations. We get to see the places in different stages throughout time, for example we see the Amiens Cathedral during the medieval years, and again when it serves as a hospital during the first world war. All the stories are connected by one common theme: mankind fighting the ancients. Because of this I feel it would work as an anthology film, six 10 minute segments each with their own director, with an overarching theme directed by David Robert Mitchell, the director of It Follows. There’s not many anthology films, which is a shame as they can be fantastic when done well. Horror serves the format well as there’s more than one kind of way to do horror, there’s the “blood and guts torture porn”, the “no deaths but lots of shadows” etc. That’s why I feel they should each have their own director, that way each segment has its own unique style. It will be odd if one person enjoyed every segment, but the diverse styles should mean that there’s at least one section that they’d like.

2. Turok

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It’s a man fighting dinosaurs. If you make that Tom Hardy and make sure it’s directed by George Miller then this will basically be Mad Max only with dinosaurs instead of cars. Not as long as the previous entry, but it’s Tom Hardy shooting dinosaurs, do you really need anything else?

3. LA Noire

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Because there’s a distinct lack of noire lately. The closest we’ve had have been films like The Pledge, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Sin City. Which is a shame as it’s a good genre with a unique style and stories that draw the viewer in and holds them round the throat and refuses to let go.

4. The Secret Of Monkey Island

This has to be made on one condition: it HAS to be animated. Not realistic pixar animation either, we’re talking the almost elastic-looking animation. The kind where characters bodies stretch in unnatural ways and they look frankly ridiculous running. Also, it has to be funny. Very very funny. Have someone like Bill Hader as the voice of Guybrush Threepwood (who wants to be a pirate), and a good script and you’ll have an awesome movie.

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5. Zombies Ate My Neighbours

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As anyone who saw Goosebumps can testify, there’s definitely a market out there for horror movies aimed at kids. And this could be it. The original game was a fun cartooney and really really silly game where your main weapons were water pistols and cans of soda. Translate this to a modern film, keep the references to obscure b-movies in to placate the nerds (such as me) and you’ve got a hit. Or a noble failure.

A Nightmare A Day: Day 8 (Freddy Vs. Jason)

Director: Ronny Yu (Bride Of Chucky, Bride With White Hair, The 51st State

Budget: $30million

US Box Office: $114.9million

  • Unskippable adverts on the DVD. This company REALLY wants me to hate their films don’t they?
  • I now refuse to watch Underworld on principle. On the principle that it looks awful.
  • As does Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the Michael Bay version, which is odd as I didn’t think chainsaws could explode)
  • Random fact: at one point Peter Jackson was on board to direct this. Nothing against Ronny Yu but that’s the second time a studio has turned down a chance to let Peter Jackson do a Nightmare On Elm Street film. Idiots.
  • Should point out: I won’t be counting the deaths in this one for two reasons
    1. There’s too many
    2. Not all of them are Freddy’s so would be wrong to compare body counts
  • Opening scenes show Freddy pre-death.
  • In a really disturbing scene, Freddy kills a small girl, then licks a photo of her.
  • Freddy origin story. I usually abhor this kind of thing, but it makes sense here as it was a while since the last Freddy film, and plus the Friday The 13th crowd might not know much.
  • Really good shot of Freddy’s eyes.
  • Yay, flashbacks to the earlier films. First death shown: the human puppet death. Evidently it’s not just my favourite one.
  • Also explains why there haven’t been any new films in a while.
  • “being dead is okay, but being forgotten, now that’s a bitch” Oddly poignant line there.
  • Montage of Freddy being bitch slapped by everyone.
  • Boobs! *sigh* Not needed. Could have been achieved through just shooting from the neck up and leaving it to imagination.
  • She puts a jacket on, but evidently the power of fanservice means one of the breasts attempts to escape and just hangs there outside her jacket as she runs. So disappointing. Horror films do know there’s a difference between “scared stiff” and “scared whilst stiff” right?
  • “you know what your gift is? No matter what they do to you, you cannot die” erm thanks, I got you a gift voucher, I feel our gifts are slightly uneven.
  • “make them remember what fear tastes like!” Chocolate covered gherkins?
  • Main character is called Lori, and her boyfriend disappeared, I bet that won’t come up later.
  • Hey it’s the member of Destiny’s Child who isn’t Beyonce or the other one.
  • “i only smoke when i drink” “but you always drink” “well that’s what I’ll work on next” Will admit, that made me chuckle.
  • “don’t be a total cocksmith” is that like a blacksmith, but with penis’s?
  • “i like the flow of your place, got good feng shui”, I hope this guy dies, slowly and painfully.
  • “babe, don’t make me ask you twice” All of you just die.
  • FFS more pointless boobs. This one’s even more annoying as the actress had a no-nudity clause in her contract so they had to hire a body double. See, the fact that no-nudity clauses exist are why their needs to be a greater representation of female film-makers. And the fact that directors pressure women into breaking that clause is why there these women need crossbows .
  • Hey, the guy died. Good.
  • So just saying “freddy” is enough to somehow make people who aren’t aware of Freddy Krueger scared of him. It could have been any Freddy: Mercury, Adu etc. That would be a much weirder film, people being haunted and killed by an American soccer player.
  • Lori dreams of walking past a set of posters of missing children, who turn to face her as she walks past. Proper video-game style scare. On that note: I was going to blog about Eternal Darkness today, and why that film is fantastic. I won’t now though as we’ll be having a special blog written by a guest contributor that will be very cool and we hope you enjoy. Oh, also in the dream there’s a girl with gouged out eyeballs who tells her more about Freddy and his love for little girls. I love gouged out eyes in horror, such a visceral image.
  • And now the feng shui guy is dead (I think, all white frat boys look the same to me). Hacked by a machete after waking up and seeing his dad’s head fall off. I hate when that happens.
  • Hey, there’s a mental institution with a guy in it with same name as Lori’s ex who disappeared randomly. What a crazy coincidence.
  • Hey, it’s young not-John Cusack (no, not Miles Teller, the other one).
  • “you had to sleep at a police station, I’d have had nightmares too” of course you would, you’re black, you’d get knocked the f*ck out.
  • Hey, the institution guy is her ex. Who saw that happening?
  • And luckily the guy not-Beyonce tried to hook her up with is now dead, so no moral questions of whether they’re still in a relationship or not. Lucky!
  • Oh, side note: Lori’s ex is called Will and is played by John Ritter’s son. So close to awesome.
  • “this fucker’s going to spread like the plague, kid’s are going to be falling asleep” Fairly certain that’s normal.
  • Jason appears at a rave and doesn’t dance. If this were CinemaSins they’d be a ding right there. Of course, if this was CinemaSins we’d have a bigger audience so….
  • He grabs a weird metal pipe, kind of like I do when I play Condemned. If he spends the next hour picking up dead birds this film is gonna suuuuuuuck.
  • Not John Cusack delivers a “Reason You Suck” speech to not-Beyonce. She deserved it.
  • “let’s go shake our ass on the dance floor”, says the only black character, yay stereotypes.
  • A raver basically rapes one of the characters. Some people would disagree but for me, she’s passed out, he tries to fuck her, that’s rape.
  • He dies. Good.
  • So does she, not so good. But she was kind of annoying, that’s bad too.
  • Jason steals Freddy’s kills. Come-on man, don’t be a shock-blocker (lame I know, but not many synonyms for kill rhyme with block, if he killed him with a kitchen appliance I could have said wok-block).
  • That reminds me: if a serial killer kills another serial killer does it work like conkers so he gains all his kills?
  • Jason appears in a cornfield and is heckled by two stoners. Because obviously if you see a serial killer (and in this universe Jason is real so you’d have to assume they know him) carrying a machete, you mock him.
  • Jason kills someone with a neck massage. Then goes to kill the fat stoner who attempts to run away.
  • Fat guy dies, this is why cardio is important, kids.
  • The guy spits blood at the screen when he dies. Fantastic shot.
  • Random fact: there was originally going to be a scene which showed that Freddy had raped Jason’s mother, thereby giving Jason motivation to go after Freddy. This was then changed to Freddy molesting Jason when he was a kid. This was then dropped for being “too dark”. I’d have dropped it for being kinda stupid and contrived, “too dark” is a stupid reason considering the amount of deaths in this.
  • Hey, it’s Titus’s brother. In a photo, and yet is one of the only actors I recognise in this film without having to look them up.
  • Freddy sets someone on fire, telepathically, then throws them across the room and writes a message in his back using burn marks. Personally, when I want to get a message across, I use e-mail, but I suppose he’s stuck in his ways.
  • A stoner, who’s totally not based on Jason Mewes
  • “freddy died by fire, jason by water, how can we use that?” I dunno, find someone died from air?
  • “not a virgin, even if you pay for it it still counts”
  • I think I’ve figured out the problems with these films. Too many dream fake outs. Moments where you think it’s reality but it turns out to be a dream. It pulls that trick far far too often.
  • Crushed to death by door. There must be a joke there but I’m simply not seeing it.
  • Not-jay follows a bong-smoking giant worm.
  • Jason accidentally sticks his machete in a computer console, electrocuting himself and a cop who’s name I can’t remember but he looks like he’s called “Jesse”.
  • Side note: how often do you think Jason has to sharpen his machete? Just a random deleted scene where we saw him hunched over a knife sharpner. And what does he do if it breaks? Can’t imagine there’s many places that would fix it. “Oh that, it’s just cranberry sauce, I was chopping up cranberries, why didn’t I use a normal knife? Erm, *hacks to death*”
  • Stoner gets hacked to death at the waist in a scene reminiscent of using the bastard sword from ED.
  • Jason chops of Freddy’s arms, I would make an “don’t worry about him, he’s ‘armless” joke but Freddy’s arms grow back and he makes the “wanker” hand gesture. And my room for jokes is “never be less funny than the thing you’re making jokes about”. That’s why I don’t make jokes about [insert public figure that you, dear reader, do not personally like]
  • Change of colour scheme there from red to green. Is weird as always associated red with Freddy, so it’s odd that the power struggle shift where Jason becomes weak is signified by the colour no longer being red. I’d have thought it would be the other way around.
  • I haven’t seen any Friday the 13th films so I may be wrong: but Jason isn’t afraid of water is he? So why is he here? The villain in the first film wasn’t Jason, he didn’t appear until the very end where he came out the water and killed someone. So if he was scared of water his first appearance wouldn’t work. Freddy works in dreams and has infinite powers there, you didn’t need to give Jason a weakness to make it an even fight.
  • Finally, over an hour in and we get the Jason origin story. Basically, he was bald and kids bullied him, put a bag over his head and throw in the river. Kids are awful people. Surely that goes beyond a prank is more, erm, what’s the word, homicide?
  • “what do you want me to, give him mouth to mouth?” dude, it’s not gay if it saves a life.
  • “Kia, he has asthma!” Worst dramatic line ever.
  • Beautifully lit scene where Freddy jumps out the water. One downside is the lighting makes him look like Darth Maul, or that weird thing from Insidious.
  • “always had a thing for the whores in this house” Dude, I know you’re a psychopathic child killer/rapist, but is there any need the misogyny? Freddy’s not a gentleman, he has a hat yet he never doths it.
  • Freddy says “bitch” far too often. It’s making me uncomfortable.
  • Generic rock music, track 4.
  • “it’s just a scratch” says a dying person. Sadly, not a monty python reference
  • Slow pan down to blood pouring from him to make it clear he’s dead, as if we didn’t know already.
  • Again with the calling women bitch?
  • “how sweet, dark meat” That’s racist!
  • “what kind of faggot runs around in a christmas sweater?” Kelly Rowland there being massively homophobic. Important note: it’s not the script being homophobic, she improvised that, it’s all on her. The writers detested it, because they’re halfway decent people. I bet if the writers were in Destiny’s Child then Beyonce wouldn’t have left. Basically what I’m saying is, Kelly Rowland is directly responsible for me having to google Beyonce songs to try to think of a joke to end this bit on, thereby making my google search history that little bit more embarrassing, and I couldn’t even think of one. F*ck you Kelly Rowland.
  • Kelly Roland gets hit with a machete and somehow defies the laws of physics by not being cut, but by flying into a tree. If she survives I’m going to kill her.
  • Several close ups as something heavy hits a wall. Not so much “chekovs gun” as “check out this really obvious thing that’s going to happen”.
  • Freddy has lost his hat, now he looks more like a pizza than ever.
  • Lori there carrying flames like the olympic torch. Oddly apt considering how many deaths and evictions the olympics have caused.
  • Stuff happens, massive fight scene that goes on far too long and doesn’t feature any creative set pieces.
  • Jason comes out the water carrying Freddy’s head. I guess that’s that settled then.
  • Oh wait, Freddy winks at the audience. He’s still alive. I guess this whole endeavour was as pointless as the anatomy of a Ken doll.

Overall: not bad, but really weird when compared to the rest. From the increased death count, the language and the nudity, the whole thing makes it seem like it’s aimed at teenage males to go “wooo” at. It tries so hard to be mature that it ends up coming off as downright childish. It is very well directed though, has some truly beautiful shots, it’s just a shame the script is lacking.

The issue with these “vs” films is you can’t end them. You can’t show one defeating the other fully as it says the other franchise is weaker, so kills it right there. So you have to go with the fake out ending like they do here. It might have worked better as a video game, where you control one of the two and need to outlast/outkill the other. They’re DLC in Mortal Kombat, so we’ve got that I suppose