2023 Film Awards Day One: The Moments

Best Opening

Godzilla: Minus One – Godzilla kills an island
A really effective way of showing what makes this iteration of the ‘Zilla from nowhere near Manilla different. He is not a protector of the planet or something interested in creating balance within the ecosystem. He is a monster that wants to fuck shit up.
They Killed Tyrone – Dated Credits
This is a weird film, so you’d think a suitable opening would also be weird. Nope, it’s relatively normal. But it does SUCH a good job of setting up the themes and tone that it’s hard to think of how it could have been better. The film slowly reveals its weirdness as it does so to the characters. There are hints as to what will happen, but if it didn’t go in the direction it ended up going, nobody would have complained that they were misled.
Napoleon – The Execution
Does a good job of setting up his motivations (even though his being there was fictional and created for the film). Also, it’s nice to see an execution not be bloodless. It sets up expectations that when soldiers die, it’s not going to shy away from showing how graphic that could be.
The Night Of The 12th – Most Murders Go Unsolved
You can’t claim the ending surprised you when it opens with that.
Saw X – Nothing
Saw films normally start schlocky and violent. This one takes its time to set the story up. It’s incredibly mature for a Saw movie and sets it above anything else the franchise has made.
Shazam! Fury Of The Gods – The gods kill a bunch of people
This was not a good movie, but this section was good, it was creepy, set the villains up as threats, and wasn’t stupid. If the rest of the film matched the quality of the opening, it would have been better than the first, instead, we just got a bloated, tonal mess.

Winner
Scream VI – Ghostfake
You watch a slasher movie, especially Scream, and you know how it’s opening; we see a character, who gets murdered, credits. The Scream franchise has done a better job than most of playing with that; in the first one, the victim was played by Drew Barrymore, who was not only the biggest actor in the film, but also was all over the marketing so people thought she was a main character. The fourth one had a multitude of meta fakeouts that annoyed some, but I loved it. Finally, the fifth one had the person attacked actually survive. So really, you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re surprised, which makes the way they did this one perfect. By unmasking a Ghostface this early, it instantly puts you on edge and makes you wonder what else they’ll do, after killing Dewey in the last one, is Gail safe? All bets are off, and the opening proves it.

Worst Opening

A Man Called Otto – Otto Arguing
It’s supposed to show how he’s determined and feels lost in the modern world. But really it just makes him seem like a massive prick. Low-level staff cannot change or bypass store policies for chain stores, so if you yell at them about store policies or prices, you’re an asshole.
Good Burger 2- Musical Opening
Mainly because the performer’s voice isn’t really suited for it, plus there’s a much better potential opening a few scenes later. The fire demonstration would have been a much better choice and would have demonstrated how things have changed, rather than the one they use which just seems to make comparisons to the original and makes it feel like nothing has changed except the actor is now older.
We Have A Ghost – Family Leaves House Scared
It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, and seen better. It lacks any sense of originality. I don’t get why this was deemed suitable for the opening sequence of a horror comedy. It’s not funny, or scary. It’s just, well, kind of dull.

Winner
65 – Everybody Dies
I got what they were going for, but it didn’t work at all. In fact, it just wasted a lot of potential. It delivers the information far too quickly to be effective. We don’t know any of the crew members who died, so all their deaths mean absolutely nothing.

Best Moment

Barbie – The Monologue
There were a lot of moments to choose from in this, it was a great film. I chose this moment because it’s the most important part. It encapsulates the best of what Barbie achieves; it’s the kind of dialogue which can only be written by a writer who is either a woman or is paying a lot of attention. It’s important, but also doesn’t feel overly preachy. It’s the jokes and the performances that draw people in, but it’s this moment which will stick with young girls for years to come.
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret – Laura
A scene that is still sadly relevant today, when the hero learns the lesson “don’t slut-shame”. Throughout the story, the character of Laura has been met with rumour and innuendo. In reality, she’s still a child, just one that developed quicker than her peers, and she feels ostracised and scared because of it. It’s played perfectly too, with the realisation from the main character that everything she believed about this girl was a lie. It also leads to a VERY cute moment of them all playing together.
Godzilla: Minus One – Attack On Ginza
I LOVED this movie, it was brutal, it was intense, and it was also very human. The attack on Ginza was the best way to show all of what made it work. It shows Godzilla as a seemingly unkillable monster who is capable of destruction, and it shows the relationship between Koichi and Noriko. The nuclear explosion at the end was also PERFECT for the themes. Japan is a country still going through Hiroshima PTSD, so for Godzilla to cause that again is absolutely harrowing for the residents.
Missing – The Twist
I love a good twist. Especially one that you know means that the next time you watch the film you’re going to spot the little clues that led up to it. This has all the hallmarks of a good twist; it’s surprising, but once you know of it you realise that the real answer was staring you right in the face the entire time. A bad twist overshadows the film so that once you know it, there’s nothing else to the story. The twist for Missing doesn’t do that, it increases your love for it, because of how damn well it’s written.

Winner
Spider-man: Across The Spider-Verse – Canon Events
Anything that reminds me of Whatever Happened To The Caped Crusader is a good thing in my books. The explanation is that Spider-Man is caused by trauma, so if you stop that, you actually make the universe worse off. It’s a lot of responsibility for the character to take on, but you know he’s going to anyway because that’s what he does.

Worst Moment

Assassin Club – What The Falk?
They build a character (Falk) as a mysterious big deal. They discuss how nobody knows who they are, and how their complete existence is a mystery. In the very next scene, the main characters get a phone call which is basically “Hi, I’m Falk. I’m an x year old white female who likes long walks on the beach and my address is…”. So what was the point of building up a mystery if you’re going to solve it that quickly? You go from knowing nothing to knowing enough about her to commit identity theft, and that’s not a joke, Jim!
Saw X – Trap Conclusions
Most of the traps feel too timed-based. Many of the characters nearly make it and if they were given 5 seconds more would have escaped the traps. This goes against Jigsaw’s modus operandi of testing people; technically they did pass the test and proved how much they were willing to sacrifice, but because they were slightly slower than Jigsaw thought they should be, they died.
Slotherhouse – The Death Of Mayflower
Goes on too long. Isn’t funny enough to justify its length, and she doesn’t seem to be taking her impending death that seriously.
The Marvels – Singing Planet
It’s a bit unfair to have this listed as the worst moment. But when you compare what it was, to what it could have been, then the reason it’s here is clear. It could have ended up being one of the cinematic highlights. It could have been fun, infectious, and unique. At the very least it could have been memorable. I can forgive noble failures, but I can’t forgive doing nothing, and it feels that’s what they did here.

Winner
Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania – M.O.D.O.K
I’m not that familiar with M.O.D.O.K. as a character, but I assume we’re supposed to take him somewhat seriously? It doesn’t help that when I look at M.O.D.O.K I don’t see a “Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing”, I see Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It doesn’t help that the CGI is awful and just looks ridiculous. A budget this big should not result in things that look this stupid. To be fair, I don’t think there is a way to make a giant human head look threatening, so there’s not much they could have done to help that. Well, they could have just kept the fucking mask on and NOT SHOW THE ACTUAL FACE. It was close between this and the Assassin Club moment. What puts this one ahead is that take that scene out, and Assassin Club would still be a shit film, AMATWQ would be improved soooo much without this scene. So whilst the Assassin Club scene is worse, this one does more damage.

Best Closing

Apocalypse Clown – Garth Brooks
There are many ways to end an apocalyptic story, but it takes a brave story to end it with “yeah the world didn’t end, the electrics were just wiped by a power surge caused by a Garth Brooks concert”. It risks making it feel like what we’ve seen was a waste of time. Or it comes off as hilarious and farcical, this is more in the second category. It’s completely ridiculous and silly, I loved it.
Cassandro – Conversation With His Father
Cassandro sometimes fails to show the homophobia that the man went through in his life. So it’s good to see scenes like this, scenes which remind you of the pain he had to go through to live his life. Scenes which have actual humanity and emotion.
Strays – Doug Gets Bit In The Dick
Incredibly satisfying and cathartic. Throughout the film there’s a slight worry that Doug will be rehabilitated or forgiven, instead, he gets put through a lot of pain in the final scenes, and it’s a lot of fun to see. Nobody watching the film will like Doug, so nobody will be sad to see what happens to him.
Aftersun – It Ends
The dad says goodbye to his daughter at the airport and then shuts the camera off. I know that sounds boring and meaningless, but in the context of this, it’s incredibly powerful and will bring a tear to your eye.
Holy Spider – The Execution
He thought he was going to get away with it but turns out his friends had sold him out. I like the fact that he died afraid, and the irony of him being killed by lack of oxygen is nice to see. That should have been how it ended, as it was, it carried on to her on a couch watching videos. Disappointing. Or so I thought. But then she watches videos of his son, and he’s talking about how he plans to continue his dad’s work; demonstrating how his dad killed them, like he was doing something great. Demonstrating on his sister. Thankfully just a soft recreation, not actually killing her. But it’s still horrific to watch in terms of what it implies about societal bullshit.
Pearl – Smiling Through The Pain
It’s just her smiling through the closing credits. It’s incredibly unsettling and puts you on edge.

Winner
Killers Of The Flower Moon – What Happened Next
It’s just the director on stage, speaking about what happened next to all the characters we’ve just seen. Ordinarily, that would be lazy. But it’s done like they’re recording a radio drama, so we see the sound artists creating sound effects live etc. It’s incredibly daring, and in a lesser film would have sunk it faster than the Titanic (I fast-forwarded through that film, the whole thing takes five minutes, right?). But Scorcese makes it work. Some endings are perfect for the story, some are clever, and very few are as PERFECT as this. Absolute genius.

Worst Closing

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish – Sequel Hook
It’s a shame, as a lot of this film is far superior to many of the previous films in the Shrek franchise, this is the only time it ever really feels like a Dreamworks film. Cheap, lazy, and completely unsatisfying.
Shazam! Fury Of The Gods – Billy Comes Back To Life
I’m not a fan of sacrifices meaning nothing. Especially when it feels unearned. If it’s foreshadowed, like in Scott Pilgrim where he earns an extra life early in the film. But in this? Wonder Woman just appears, fixes the problem for no reason, and then leaves.
Hypnotic – The Villain Has Survived
Narratively unsatisfying. It makes sense in the story they’re telling, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to watch. A similar thing happened in Spider-Man, but we know that’s getting a sequel. Plus, the rest of that film was good. If Hypnotic was better, then the ending would be acceptable, as it is, it’s just a disappointing dessert to a letdown of a dinner.
Ferrari – Unhappy Ending
The wife dies and finally, his illegitimate son can be recognised as his heir. This is seen as a happy ending, but really it just feels kind of mean. It kind of backs up my theory that the writers saw her as the villain of the film, rather than a woman who was cheated on and emotionally abused for decades.
Cat Person – Here We Go Again
It looks like she’s going to go through the same cycle again and again, so she’s not developed as a character. Kind of makes it feel like the entire film is a massive waste of time
The Flash – George Clooney
If the DCEU was going to continue, I’d be into this, as we’d be getting a sequel showing the new world that Barry Allen is now in. But because the series won’t continue, we’re just left with an unfinished story. It reminds me of the ending of Tim Burton’s Planet Of The Apes, only more annoying because it links into an already established universe.

Winner

Scream VI – Reveal/everyone lives
Scream is a slasher franchise, but it is also at its core, a murder mystery. Part of the fun has always been to piece together clues to work out who the killer is. That’s part of why the third one gets so much vitriol, because the reveal feels unearned compared to the others. I am one of the few people who will defend the reveal in the third movie, I won’t defend the one in this one though. It’s far too obvious. Horror screenwriters/directors must realise that every audience realises that if a named character dies offscreen in a slasher movie, they’re not dead. If the film cuts away before they die; the odds are that person is still alive. With that in mind, the reveal of the killers isn’t just obvious, it’s the only possible solution. The other thing that annoyed me about the ending of this is that all the core members of the group survive, even with one of them being stabbed multiple times. If this is where the studio wants to go, then the future does not look bright for this franchise. And that’s before the director of Scream VII leaving, and the absence of two of the main stars, one for scheduling reasons, and one for committing the heinous crime of saying genocide is bad.

2023 In Film: Day Five (The Okay)

All Quiet On The Western Front

Ups: Some beautiful shots.

The best use of silence in a war movie

There are moments where the sound effects, the turning wheels, the sliding doors etc, almost seem like beats accompanying the music. Phenomenal sound work.

Downs: Bit too oscar-baitey

Weirdly anti-French.

Not really the right time for a film like this.

Best Moment: The scene with the dying French soldier. Haunting.

Worst Moment: The bits which were invented for the film.

Best Performer: Felix Kammerer

Opening: A few shots which I was pretty sure were paintings when I first saw them.

Closing: He dies, JUST before the war is over. Utterly pointless, and very in keeping with the story being told.

Best Line: All that’s left separating us from an armistice is false pride.

Original Review here

Apocalypse Clown

Ups: So funny.

Makes the most of the premise

Utterly ridiculous, in the best possible way.

Downs: Loses its way a bit in the middle.

Most of the performers seem to be doing tribute performers to other actors.

Best Moment: The creation of Funzo. Provides a heartbreaking backstory to what could be a one-dimensional character.

Worst Moment: The conspiracy theory section seems a bit of a pointless detour.

Best Performer: Natalie Palamides. Her character, as written, is already the highlight of the film, but her physicality is tremendous. Even the way she eats ham is notable. She is never not on.

Opening: “They say you should never give up on your dreams, but what if you should?” A nice happy way to start the film off, over scenes of destruction. Considering it’s a relatively small budget the scenes of apocalypse look pretty decent. There are large fires, derailed trains etc.

Closing: It wasn’t the apocalypse, a Garth Brooks concert created a power surge. Hilarious ending.

Best Line: When discussing how they accidentally set fire to their friends: “I thought it said laughter fluid”

Original Review here

Cassandro

Ups: Interesting story.

Downs: The editing is a bit choppy at times.

He gets loved way too quickly.

Best Moment: When a fan on a talk show thanks Cassandro for giving him the courage to come out to his father. His reaction is perfect, you can tell he’s happy, but also slightly envious that his father didn’t react the same.

Worst Moment: The moment where his mother dies doesn’t quite hit as hard as it could do

Best Performer: Gael Garcia Bernal.

Opening: Character walks into a run-down gym. Lots of locker room banter which is pretty much just “wanna fuck?” stuff. Then a match starts. It’s good at showing the location etc. There’s no glamour etc, just a grotty warehouse and dirt. He then watches an exotico match and is entranced by the reaction, especially after the unsatisfying feeling he had for his match. A really quick way of getting character motivations over.

Closing: He has a frank and honest discussion with his homophobic father. Incredibly powerful.

Best Line: “I needed you, at a certain point in my life I needed you, but now I don’t. And that’s okay”

Original Review here

Dungeons And Dragons: Honour Among Thieves

Ups: More competent than you’d think

Clearly made by people who were passionate about the project

A lot of fun.

Downs: The characters don’t take the threat seriously

The big bad isn’t pushed as a big deal so feels inconsequential.

Best Moment: The swooping transformation.

Worst Moment: How it takes so long for them to realise the villains’ plan

Best Performer: Sophia Lillis

Opening: Narration

Closing: More narration

Best Line: “I don’t want to see you die. And that’s why I’m leaving the room”

Original Review here

El Conde

Ups: It leans into the weird premise brilliantly.

There’s a sense of music in the way it’s shown, the actions flow very well.

Some very clever nods to cinematic vampire lore.

Downs: The black-and-white appearance may put some people off.

Far far too much narration.

I get the fact they have an English language version, but was it necessary for them all to have very British accents?

A vampire Pinochet after power isn’t as interesting as a vampire Pinochet in or rising to power.

Best Moment: Carmen flying. Yes, it looks quite fake, but there’s a real sense of playfulness and beauty to it.

Worst Moment: The execution of Marie Antoinette. Only because the scene of her head being held up looks fake.

Best Performer: Paula Luchsinger

Opening: A rousing military march being played on a record player over a black-and-white scene. Instantly sets up the military theme. Then a Margaret Thatcher sound-alike talks about a vampire comparing blood tastes. This leads into the themes incredibly quickly. Then leads into how vampire Pinochet came to power.

Closing: Thatcher and Pinochet survive. Literally, as opposed to modern Britain where it’s just their ghosts and horrific ideas that survive.

Best Line: If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Original Review here

Haunted Mansion

Ups: Funny

Smart characters.

Good starter horror movie for kids

Downs: Poor choice of opening.

Needs more memorable music.

Weird choice to release it in summer.

Best Moment: The police sketch artist, genuinely laughed out loud.

Worst Moment: When it’s revealed that Travis’s dad is dead, mainly because it seemed really obvious and surely everybody assumed that was the case.

Best Performer: LaKeith Stanfield.

Opening: Ben meets his wife. Kind of sweet, but not really needed and might have been better as a flashback later on.

Closing: Halloween party. Here’s where the lack of memorable music hurts it most.

Best Line: I know this place isn’t as warm as I hoped. But I’m gonna light a vanilla candle, and it’s gonna be a game-changer.

Original Review here

Napoleon

Ups: Bloody

Some great battle scenes.

Downs: Everybody has an English accent so it’s difficult to tell people apart.

Long

Historically inaccurate

Terribly paced.

Best Moment: The Siege of Toulon. Does a decent job of showing his strategic side.

Worst Moment: The first exile, seems to happen too quickly.

Best Performer: Vanessa Kirby

Opening: Marie Antoinette gets beheaded by a guillotine. She’s not mentioned again but I assumed she died. A good way of setting up Napoleons’ motivations. Also lets you know how bloody the film is going to be, it doesn’t shy away from the gore but it’s never gratuitous.

Closing: He’s exiled. It doesn’t really do a good job of selling that he was there for years. It does tell you, but it would have been better to show so that you truly sense the isolation and despair his final years consisted of.

Best Line: “You think you’re so great because you have boats!” hard to figure out why it’s hard to take this film seriously.

Original Review here

The Hunger Games: The Ballad Of Songbirds And Snakes

Ups: Some good character work.

Looks dystopian

It has the balls to kill a disabled child.

Brutal.

Downs: Terribly paced.

Wrong choice for the protagonist.

Needs a sequel, but won’t get one.

Best Moment: The bombing of the games. Comes out of nowhere and is genuinely shocking.

Worst Moment: The entire final section. It cannot be overstated how much everything after the games just KILLS the momentum.

Best Performer: Rachel Zegler

Opening: General Snow dies. Not the most exciting opening.

Closing: Coriolanus becomes a full-on asshole. Doesn’t really feel deserved.

Best Line: Corals dying words.

Original Review here

Cassandro (2023) Review

Quick Synopsis: Saul Armendariz is a gay luchador wrestler under the name El Topo. His career and life changes when he starts to compete as Cassandro, a flamboyant exotico wrestler.

I’m a big fan of films like this. Professional wrestling is f*cking weird, there’s no other way to say it. The people who fund it are weird, the people who perform it are weird, and the people who watch it are weird. So it usually makes for fantastic watch. But this? It fails to do one basic thing: explaining the lingo, it assumes you know what an exotico is. I mean, I do, because I’m a fucking mark for this business. Unless you know the business, the story won’t mean as much. Not just the aforementioned exotico, but it also doesn’t really do a decent enough job of explaining why certain people are big deals. His match with El Hijo Del Santo was a HUGE deal, Santo is a legend in lucha libre and his importance cannot be overstated. In Cassandro, his importance and relevance aren’t even stated. It’s this kind of attitude which makes it difficult to figure out whether this will appeal to people who aren’t fans of wrestling in the first place. It’s important for a film to know that audiences don’t know everything. Even I know that, and I’m basically an idiot. In my Napoleon review, I originally had a joke about how “This film is long, 157 minutes. Although that’s English minutes, in French minutes it’s much shorter”. That’s an obscure (even by my standards) reference to how the French and English had different calculations for what counted as a foot, which is partly what led to the fallacy that Napoleon was short, listed as being 5 foot 2 when in English measurements he was 5 foot 6. I loved that joke, but I knew if I did, I’d have to explain it, and as has just been proven, that would be dull and shit.

So yeah, this could prove impenetrable for casual moviegoers. For those who know? It’s delightful. It’s not great for providing you a life story, but it does provide a useful foundation for you to want to find out more. It’s helped by the performance of Gael Garcia Bernal, showcasing Cassandro as someone deeply insecure and broken but whose entire wrestling persona is based on overconfidence. His story is deeply emotional to watch unfold, especially the frayed relationship with his homophobic father. Yes, this is a story about professional wrestling, but it’s also a story about finding yourself (always make sure to check down the back of the sofa), about masculinity, and about being true to yourself.

Originally that ended with me saying it’s about bigotry, but it’s really not. The story itself is, but the way it’s told means it doesn’t really come through. The very nature of exotico’s traditionally existed to reinforce negative gay stereotypes. They were/sometimes still are grotesque caricatures of male feminity, whose entire purpose was to repulse and annoy the audience, who would then cheer when the traditionally heterosexual male hero would come along and beat the shit out of them whilst the crowd shouted homophobic slurs. That’s still the world we see in this film, but then he wins them over almost instantly. That kind of undercuts the homophobia he endured, like as soon as they saw him they all changed their minds. It kind of feels like a wasted opportunity. His rise to fame also seems to skip over a few things, so his match with Del Santo doesn’t really feel earned.

I have been a bit harsh to this but it is still a fun watch. His first entrance to a flamenco Spanish-language cover of I Will Survive is fun as hell, and there’s a scene near the end which is an absolutely fantastic piece of performance storytelling. Cassandro is on a talk show and a fan stands up and thanks him for giving him the courage to come out to his father. You can tell this means a lot to Cassandro, but he’s also slightly bitter and jealous that he’s talking to someone who was accepted by their own father when he still isn’t accepted by his. It’s a subtle facial performance and is so damn perfect.

In summary; it’s on Prime so if you have an account you might as well watch it, but you might be best off watching a documentary instead.