The Creator (2023) Review

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As a war between humanity and AI rages on; grieving widow Joshua (John David Washington) has been tasked with retrieving a weapon which could turn the tide of the war in favour of AI; a weapon which turns out to be a small child.

I’m gonna say this now; The Creator is probably the best movie I’ve seen all year. It’s not my favourite (at the moment Missing still occupies that spot). I really can’t see it being beaten, I haven’t seen a film this good since EEAAO back in May 2022. It’s difficult to explain just how incredible this is. Like all great films, it leaves you asking questions. Questions about the future of humanity, questions about yourself, questions about your country. There’s also another question it forces you to ask:

How the hell is this possible?

Take a quick look at the trailer (hurry back though). That was done on a $80million budget. For reference; that’s the same as the budget for the Michael Jordan Shoe-opic Air. I don’t know how Gareth Edwards managed it but I can only assume witchcraft. It looks incredible, absolutely astounding. There are zero moments where it doesn’t look real (although there is one moment where the geography of the scene could be improved to help clarify things). Considering the amount of effects etc. that must be needed for this to work; that truly is a testament to the talent of Edwards and his team.

Edwards has done a great job in giving The Creator its style. It’s like a Vietnam War movie mixed with Blade Runner and made by Steven Spielberg. Even that description is underselling it. There is nothing else like this out there at the moment, and that’s both a shame and a good thing. I would like to see more films made like this, but I can’t see how anybody can do this better. The performances are perfect throughout; I still think the general public is sleeping on John David Washington; which is a weird thing to say about someone who was the lead in a Nolan movie. But it doesn’t feel like his name gets brought up when people discuss great actors, and it really should. When people bring up who’s going to be the lead in a new franchise, John David Washington should be among the first names on many lists. The supporting cast do their job too; Allison Janey manages a character which shows a bit more depth than she’s usually allowed, Gemma Chan maximises her screen-time perfectly, Ken Watanabe does what he usually does and is great at it, and Ralph Ineson more than holds his own amongst them. Madeleine Yuna Voyles is tremendous given her young age, especially considering how much of the humour and emotion is based on her performance.

The music is comprised of some odd choices, and it is missing that ONE song that you will associate with it. The soundtrack is really standing on the shoulders of the giants of Platoon and Full Metal Jacket, so a lot of the choices feel like tributes to other films rather than truly unique choices. The Hans Zimmer score is pretty damn good, but won’t be something that will stick in your head like the visuals will.

The script itself is probably the weakest part. I mean, it’s still VERY good but there are a few really important plot points that are glossed over quite quickly, one in particular should be a complete game changer for motivations but is not really mentioned or referenced again.

Overall, I was impressed with this. I realised very early on that I was going to rate this highly; the opening scene is one of the best scenes in terms of establishing the film universe that I’ve seen in a long time. It g goes from what I assume is real news footage to film-produced news seamlessly and quickly establishes everything you need to know. I watched this two days ago as a secret preview screening at the cinema, and I’m already tempted to go watch it again. If there’s any justice; this will be one of the biggest films of the year, it deserves nothing less.

Past Lives (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Childhood sweethearts are torn apart then reunite decades down the line and wonder what could have been in this powerful story from Celine Song

Past Lives is divisive. You will either be entranced by it’s beauty, or bored senseless. It requires you to be an active watcher. Usually, when I say this it’s because it’s so intricate that if you turn away you risk missing important plot points (as is the case for They Cloned Tyrone, spoilers for a future review). But with this, there are not really important plot points to miss out on. You can watch 1 minute every half hour and figure out what’s happened, character motivations etc. So why do you need to be an active watcher? Because you need to be in a position to let it overwhelm you. You can’t go in half-arsed, you need to be fully immersed for it to work. You can’t watch it whilst looking at your watch, talking to someone, or wondering what you’re going to make for dinner, if you did that it would break the immersion. I think that’s why it’s going to do better with reviewers than audiences; I can see casual movie-going audiences tuning out and not really being entranced by the ethereal beauty contained within. And this is a beautiful watch. I’ve seen films described as rollercoasters, or in some cases a car-crash, this is more like lazily drifting down a river in the arms of a loved one; the soft rocking and gentle noises lulling you into a sense of serenity (not the Firefly movie).

It is really hard to talk about this because it’s something that feels like it hypnotises you whilst you watch it, which makes it hard to judge once you’re no longer in the moment. I’m not sure how well it would stand up if you watch it on a normal screen in daylight rather than in a darkened cinema. Whilst you’re watching, you will enjoy it. But you will be aware of its flaws; there are a few times when it repeats itself and lingers slightly too long after it’s made the point and the mood has been set. The shots are beautiful in their simplicity. There’s no “wow, that’s a stunning shot”, but every shot feels carefully chosen not so much to tell the story, but to set the mood. The choices made were all about setting the atmosphere, and it’s hard to find better choices they could have made. To be honest, it somehow felt like it wasn’t a film, but was a story we were witnessing play out in front of us. We aren’t an audience, we’re a witness, sitting in the room with them observing what’s happening. This lends the whole thing a sense of intimacy. Everything feels human and full of love.

The sense of humanity and love is enhanced by the performers. Teo Yoo and Greta Lee share an undeniable chemistry. To the point where a scene of just the two of them sitting somewhat near each other is rife with romantic tension. Individually they’re great too; Teo Yoo has leading man energy, and Greta Lee will be something special in the near future; she has genuine Best Actress energy.

I felt genuine love for Past Lives, its themes, the central romance was believable and you wanted them to be together, the emotion behind it etc. But will it be among my favourite films of the year? Possibly. It will be up there, but won’t be first on the list. I get the feeling that in the future Nora Song may make what I consider to be one of my favourite films of all time.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis; Turtles fight a mutant fly that is also made of horses.

I’m going to start this with my personal history of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or TMNT, pronounced Temment). I am very aware of it, I had the toys growing up, I played some of the video games etc. It’s one of the franchises I remember from my childhood.

But I can’t actually remember anything from it. I don’t remember actually sitting down and watching any episodes. I can’t remember buying or asking for the toys/video games. I can’t even remember which turtle is which. I have to mention that whilst there are certain people in UK politics complaining about not being allowed to be racist any more because of “cancel culture” and blaming millennials and some fictional “liberal-controlled media” conglomerate that is all controlled by some rich person with a hook nose who secretly controls all the world and “no this isn’t anti-Semitic why would you think that?”, TMNT was actually censored by the Conservative government back in the day. They were really paranoid about ninjas so banned not only depictions of them but also any displays of nunchucks as they were too dangerous. I mean, nunchucks are really hard to use so really the person most at risk from physical harm is the idiot kid who picks up nunchucks and thinks he can use them. As such, this franchise was referred to as Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in the UK. Weirdly, they were still allowed to use swords, because it would be much harder for kids to find a sharp sword-like object than it would two heavy objects tied together with a heavy chain-like material. I don’t really have a point to this, I just like to point it out because it was f*cking stupid.

Now onto Mutant Mayhem specifically. It’s actually surprisingly good. This is the first time I can remember that the turtles actually feel like teenagers who have spent their entire life away from humans. They’re awkward, they’re goofy, and they make pop culture references. On the one hand, it means they seem better written than almost any other iteration of the characters, but on the other hand, the constant pop culture references can get a bit grating and bring to mind the awful Friedberg and Seltzer parody movies. Some changes to the background will annoy some fans, some of which I would understand, but if you’re annoyed that April is not white then you’re an idiot, and if you’re annoyed that she’s not fuckable enough any more then you need your hard drive checked as she’s underage you creepy bastards. Another downside is there’s no Krang or Shredder, but they can also be used in the sequel (which this film deserves).

Mutant Mayhem does mostly work though, the voice cast is great, and really helped by casting actual teenagers and having them record their dialogue in the same room. The first thing that will come to mind though is the animation. It looks stunning, whilst some animation is designed to recreate real life, this seems more focused on looking like a series of hand-drawn sketches come to life. It’s unique, it’s visually striking, and it has a slight anarchic energy to it.

The script is better than it had to be. It’s a kid’s film, so laziness could be excused (but not forgiven). It’s a wonderful tale of discrimination, but it shows us it coming from Splinter too. We see how his prejudice against humans has been shaped, and ultimately how it’s ended. It’s a wonderfully deep look at a difficult situation for kids to grasp. It’s also really funny, but not afraid to show emotion. The highlights are the action sequences though, some incredibly creative fight scenes which flow together beautifully like a violent ballet. There’s also some surprisingly disgusting body horror.

So in summary, possibly the best kids film of the year; and there are actually some strong contenders it’s fighting against to claim that crown.

Barbie (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Do you really need me to say it? I mean, odds are you’ve already seen this so….

This film is big. That much is obvious by now. It’s the highest-grossing film by a female director, has reached $1billion dollars quicker than any other Warner Bros property (and that includes the Harry Potter films), and is now their highest-grossing film ever. It’s also the highest-grossing film of the year, beating The Super Mario Bros. Movie. This pleases me. The Super Mario Bros. Movie (or TSMBM for short, pronounced Tisembum) was good, it was very funny in parts. But it didn’t strike me as something that deserved to hold records. This does. It is, as one of my friends put it “everything”. It’s incredibly smart, it’s funny, has a killer soundtrack, great look, and memorable music, essentially it has almost everything you want in a film.

I suppose I have to add a bit more to this don’t I? Balls.

There was a lot of trepidation when this was announced. Audiences were worried it was going to be another soulless cash grab, completely devoid of originality or anything worthwhile. Then the first trailer was released, and people started to come around to the fact that there’s a possibility that it’s actually going to be batshit insane. I can confirm, it is. But not in a “weird for the sake of weird” way, or even in a “confusing” way. More in a “this feels like a child wrote it”, it makes narrative leaps that seem weird, but they do have a logic to them.

Margot Robbie is perfect for playing Barbie. It’s weird though; she’s the lead, the title character, but she is slightly overshadowed by both Ryan Babygoose’s Ken and America Ferrera’s Gloria. It could be argued that it’s more about the narrative arc of Ken than it is about Barbie, and it’s hard to disagree that he’s given more characterisation as the film goes on. He also has the best musical moment with I’m Just Ken. Gloria wasn’t given much attention in the marketing, but she provides a lot of what makes Barbie more than you’d think it would be. Because she’s a human character she’s given more dimensions to work with, whilst also working as the audience surrogate.

In terms of look? It looks unique. It’s made to look like the whole thing takes place in a toy universe. Some ways are obvious, but then there are other ways which are a bit more subtle; the way everything is scaled slightly incorrectly etc. Greta Gerwig did a fantastic job with the look of this, making it look so fake and plastic that ironically it looks real.

Now onto the bad; there are a lot of performers who feel underutilized. Will Ferrell’s character for example could be taken out of the script and it would require only minimal adjustments to fill the narrative hole left. The Ruth Handler moment could also be played a lot better, as it is it kind of feels like a “we’ll do this now, but think of something better later” script idea. It could maybe go a bit more traditional in the third act, where it seems like it’s throwing everything against the wall, most of which works, but some don’t. It did feature my own personal highlight; Gloria’s monologue about modern femininity which she uses to break the brainwashed Barbies out of their spell. It encapsulates the best of what Barbie achieves; it’s the kind of dialogue which can only be written by a writer who is either a woman or is paying a lot of attention. It’s important, but also doesn’t feel overly preachy.

I mean, some people were still annoyed by it, describing it as “anti-men”, but those people were looking to hate it anyway. I saw some commentators saying that the beginning of the film was pro-abortion because it features children throwing away dolls of babies. Anybody with intelligence would have recognised it as a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey, but then again people who add lies about how “they then all screamed Kill All Babies” aren’t exactly overflowing with intelligence. There have also been people who claim that Barbie visiting a gynaecologist at the end is a pro-abortion message; because obviously that’s all gynaecologists do. F*cking idiots.

I mentioned the opening; it does a really good job of explaining WHY Barbie matters. Make no mistake; she does matter. She’s had a huge influence on life, to the point where it’s not crazy to say that there is a little bit of Barbie in all of us; and not just because of the microplastics we ingest on a daily basis that are slowly killing us.

Nope, I’m not ending with that. I’m ending it with the biggest downside of this film. Because it was so successful, studios obviously will want to recreate the success. Will they do that by giving critically acclaimed indie directors a big budget and creative freedom? Or by getting scriptwriters to focus on delivering intelligent, subversive scripts? Or will they do it by just making films based on toys, no matter the quality?

It’s the last one.

Fuck.

The Equalizer 3 (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Denzil Washington accidentally fights the mafia.

I didn’t mind the first Equalizer film, but I was less impressed with the second, mainly because I found it overly long, with the non-action scenes in particular dragging. I also found it had a twist that was incredibly obvious. This fixed the mistakes of the second one; it doesn’t feel as long, it doesn’t aim for a big twist, and it calms down on the “he’s a good, such a good, real good person” aspects which plagued the second one. Overall, I think it’s probably the best one of the three, it’s certainly the one I’m more likely to watch again.

It’s not perfect, it does drag slightly, and there isn’t that much meat on the narrative bones to make it fully satisfying. The music choices are a bit odd, feeling like they’re aiming at a younger audience than the rest of the film. And as good as Denzil is (and he is good in this role), the cuts around his physical limitations are getting more noticeable.

Now onto the good; it always surprises me how brutal these films are. In my head they’re all “someone gets shot and they fall down” and that’s as violent as it gets; all squibs and crash mats. But nope, it’s bloody. It doesn’t build up to it either, it starts with the aftermath of a bloody massacre; as openings go, it’s certainly one of the most shocking.

I haven’t seen the first two since I watched them at the cinema, and I only remember bits and pieces from them. That doesn’t seem to matter though, the only character to return is the main one. There’s an allusion to the previous films at the end (via a TERRIBLY photoshopped picture) but it’s shot in such a “THIS PICTURE IS IMPORTANT!” way that anybody who understands film language (and who knows this is a sequel, but the 3 in the title should be a big indicator of that) would understand “okay, that’s her parents, and her parents obviously know Robert McCall, that’s why he phoned her”.

There’s been a lot of love for the action scenes in this, so I won’t repeat ground others have already plowed over, instead I’m going to praise something that I feel hasn’t got enough love; this has the best explosion scene I’ve seen in a long time. Usually, explosions in cinema are just a big bang, but if you are not in the immediate zone you’re fine. In fact, if you duck or jump, you’re normally fine, and once the explosion itself is over everything is back to normal. This shows the risk that being in the general area has. Instead of feeling like a bit of a shock, it feels like something which gives everyone in the local area PTSD. That’s something which this series has always excelled at; they’ve always been technically good. They’ve also maintained a good sense of visual and tonal continuity. Probably because, unlike a lot of other action franchises, they’ve all been made by the same director; Antoine Fuqua. Keeping him on for all three means that all three flow together well. It doesn’t reach the heights of the Planet Of The Apes trilogy, but there’s not as many differences between the three. If you really enjoy one, you’re going to really enjoy all three of them.

I think the franchise is closed now (outside of the TV show). It hasn’t changed the industry, or even became that critically acclaimed. But what this series has done, is be dependable. You know what’s going on with this, and sometimes, that’s all you want from something.

Blue Beetle (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Jaime Reyes finds himself the unwilling host of an alien symbiotic host. Why, yes, this is very similar to Venomn, why do you ask?

I am not really a comic book guy. I enjoy them, and I know a little bit about them, but there are just so many of them that I have to be honest, I don’t know where to start. I read the ones I have heard are important, or are super fucked up (Hello Gail Simone’s horror graphic novel Clean Room, you delightfully terrifying bitch. The book is a terrifying bitch, Gail Simone is a treasure who must be protected at all costs). So I’m not that familiar with Blue Beetle as a character. Let’s be honest though; that shouldn’t matter. A lot of people won’t agree with me here but I think the only thing that matters in these films are the movies themselves. If it doesn’t happen in the movies/TV shows, it doesn’t happen. You shouldn’t need to do research to watch a film, it should all make sense in its own universe. “oh, but that plot point is actually easily explained if you read issue 155 of the original comic from 1948”, nope, fuck that.

All of that is my long-winded way of saying I went in relatively blind as to the character. It didn’t matter though, he was written well enough that you knew what he was like very early on, the same goes for the background characters too. The family could be annoying; they’re loud, boisterous, and pushy. But they’re all written and played with just enough warmth and reality that they work. At different points they’re almost all highlights. Belissa Escobedo provides an almost Aubrey Plaza performance in her role as Jaime’s sister Milagro. George Lopez has his moments, giving a lot of the best lines. Adriana Barraza gives a kick-ass performance as Nana, starting off exactly as you expect her to be, but then evolving into a character you want to know more about; if anybody from this series deserves a prequel comic book it’s her; her backstory is rich with possibilities. It’s a shame the future of the DCEU is up in the air because I want to see more from these characters.

So, that’s the characters, but is the film itself any good? It’s…..good. That’s all it is. It’s probably in the top half of the DC films but that’s only because a lot of them have been pretty shit. It faces the problems that a lot of DC films have had lately; it’s just “there”. There’s not much about it that’s new or surprising. Yes, it is important to have a non-white superhero, and the stories involved in that do need telling. But it would be useful if the story being told was being told in a good way. The hints of gentrification etc are great, but it’s never really given enough focus. It’s also quite sad that (just like Green Lantern), when he’s given a power which involves “creating whatever you can think of” the results aren’t more creative. There is also an issue with one character’s geography in the closing third. He seems to change locations quite a lot, randomly going from one set of characters to the next with no indication of how close the two locations are.

Overall though, it is a fun watch, and you will enjoy yourself while watching it. The moment where the scarab enters Jaime contains great body horror moments, and if we were shown more creativity like that it would be incredible. As it is, it’s just good, but a month after you watch it, will you be dying to watch it again? Probably not.

The Blackening (2022) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Seven friends go away for the weekend and find themselves locked in a cabin with a serial killer who forces them to play a pretty damn racist board game.

The review of this will be positive, but I’m going to start it with something negative. I am not a fan of Tim Story for two reasons;

1) He made the execrable 2021 Tom and Jerry movie.

2) He made the 2005 Fantastic Four movie. I haven’t seen that one so I can’t judge it based on quality, but he was a proper dick to Jessica Alba during filming, criticising her crying for being too realistic as it made her look “ugly”. He also refused to add any physical depth to her character, not letting her get any damage that would affect her looks (not even dirt). So whenever I hear his name mentioned, I think “asshole”. I have to admit though; The Blackening is one damn fine piece of cinema.

The Blackening does everything it’s supposed to; it has some good scares, setpieces, deaths etc., and is also really funny. It also refuses to hold your hand, which I love. It’s incredibly black, with no effort made to tone that factor down. The card game Spades is a huge part of the story, not only being played but also being used as character motivation. They don’t explain how to play the game, only giving allusions to what are considered mistakes to make in the game. So you’re forced to do something most movies don’t make you do, pay attention. It makes sense, if you’re playing a game with your friends or family, and you all know how to play it, why would you explain how? The assumption is you already know.

That’s part of what makes these characters feel like real people, they’re all written so that it feels like they have a life outside of this film. They all performed well too, with the possible exception of Jermaine Fowler as Clifton. I get what he was going for, but it seems a bit too cartoonish compared to the relatively realistic and grounded nature of the rest of the performances; it’s like everybody else is in a horror, and he’s in a comedy. Some people may like what he did, but it just wasn’t for me. The rest of the cast are great though. X Mayo brings so much energy to this and owns every comedic beat she’s given, whilst Grace Byers brings the dramatic performance needed.

The reveal of the killer is a bit weak too, it tries to be a twist but it’s far too obvious to anybody who has ever seen a film. I haven’t seen a killer reveal this obvious since Scream VI. But it doesn’t harm The Blackening as much as it did Scream, because working out the killer is not as big a deal in this. It can be argued that The Blackening isn’t about the reveal, and is more about the experience you have watching it. I’d also argue the soundtrack could be improved somewhat, but it does feature a reference to Lift Every Voice And Sing, which is always appreciated.

In summary, if you’re a horror fan, particularly of the slasher genre, then watch this. It’s one of the best modern additions to the genre in a long time, and it’s so much fun.

Scrapper (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: 12-year old Georgia (Lola Campbell) is living on the edge of her seat after the passing of her mother. She’s then surprised by her long-absent father (Harris Dickinson) turning up.

I knew nothing about this going in, I didn’t even know it existed. I went to a secret preview screening, assumed it would be for Meg 2, and was baffled when this came up. It wasn’t just me, the general noise from the audience was “huh?”. Not many people left though. I wouldn’t say that Scrapper caught my attention immediately, but it did show its charm relatively early on. We learn quite early on that 12-year-old Georgie is living on her own after her mother died, tricking the school and social services into thinking she’s living with an uncle. Ordinarily, especially in British cinema, this means the following 90 minutes are going to be super depressing and bleak. So it’s a surprise that this is weirdly heartwarming and sweet. It’s like a weird B-side to Aftersun. Aftersun felt like a home video that was being watched in full, openly candid and laid bare for all to witness. Scrapper brings to mind a child hastily editing their home movies, covering up their pain with quick asides.

Scrapper was written and directed by Charlotte Regan, and in lead Lola Campbell, she’s found a fantastic conduit for her ideas. The character Lola plays, Georgie, never feels overwritten. Her behaviour and dialogue feel genuine, which helps the charm Georgie has. One of the first scenes of her is her being caught stealing a bike and blagging her way out of it. If this was written wrong, or performed wrong, then she’d seem like an annoying little shit. But everything about it works so well together that you can’t help but root for her.

The performance of Harris Dickinson is a surprise. He normally plays quite posh characters, so for him to play her dad Jason as well as he does takes talent. Jason is a suspicious character, he abandoned Georgie when she was a baby, and now spends his days giving fliers to tourists in Spain. Dickinson has a delicate line to walk; is Jason a criminal, a feckless good for nothing, or just generally a bit lost but trying his best? He has to make you think all three are possible, and he does it well. He and Lola have incredible chemistry, there’s a fun playfulness between the two, but it’s a playfulness filled with uncertainty and quiet mistrust.

The mistrust and uncertainty should lead to a great third-act conflict, but it doesn’t. The relationship between the two is so sweet and is built up so well that the plot-mandated divide between the two should be heartbreaking, and the resolution at the end should be incredibly sweet. As it is, the conflict between the two feels relatively minor, and the way it’s solved seems really pedestrian. It’s solved by something that the film treats like a huge revelation that changes everything but is really just kind of bland. It’s a shame, a film like Scrapper deserves a great ending. It sets up all the pins perfectly, but then flubs knocking them down.

That doesn’t distract from the fact that this is a remarkable film and hopefully leads to great things for Lola Campbell and Charlotte Regan. I hope they work together again, but I’m sure even if they don’t then they’re going to do something incredible. They’ve already done something very good.

Strays (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A heartwarming tale about a tiny dog (Reggie, voiced by Will Ferrell) on his quest to reunite with his owner……….so he can bite his dick off.

This film is filthy. The talking animals may lead you to believe it’s a cute film, but it’s not; it’s incredibly sweary and sexual. This can work; Joy Ride has been my favourite comedy of the year (so far). I will admit though, there are times whilst watching Strays where it all felt a bit much. It felt like the film was being crude for the sake of being crude. Sometimes the jokes are coming so quickly that this isn’t a problem, you can just move on to the next joke and recover. But a few of the worst jokes in this are the recurring ones, so they’re hard to ignore when they linger over the movie like a wet fart. It’s a shame as Strays is hilarious at times, there are moments where it’s whipsmart, with some laugh-out-loud dialogue. It also has more heart than you expect it to, the backstory given to Bug is brilliant, elevating the character to something better than you thought it was. The love story between Maggie and Hunter is also kind of sweet. The key emotional part is Reggie and his relationship with his owner Doug (played by Will Forte in absolute detestable form, it’s brilliant). You can tell a lot of the scriptwriters’ attention was on this section; making sure it plays as it should; reminiscent of an abusive romantic relationship, but without seeming like you’re making light of it.

The relationship allusions are really well done, the PTSD Doug has got, and the realisation that being mistreated is not how a healthy relationship should go. It’s an interesting way of approaching a very delicate topic, and it works. This also means that the revenge at the end feels earned, it doesn’t feel like a quick impulsive decision; but the inevitable result of years of tension and mistreatment. In case that wasn’t enough, Doug does go into full dickishness just before the end; getting incredibly fed up with Reggie and threatening to beat that bitch with a bat.

Yes, I know that “beat that bitch with a bat” reference doesn’t really work. Bitch applies to female dogs, and Reggie is male. So whilst at first it may have been an acceptable joke to make, if you think about it for more than a second, it just feels a bit lazy. A bit like this film(can I get some applause for how I managed that segue btw? Nope, damn). Because whilst the Reggie/Doug relationship (or, as shippers call it: Rug) works and is well-written. A lot of the moments feel underdeveloped. Whilst Reggie and Bug are strays (hey, that’s the title of the movie), two of the other foursome aren’t; with one being a therapy dog at an old folks home. There’s not much attention paid to how the owners/home residents react/feel about their dogs running away. Even just a 5-second cutaway of a confused old person stroking a rug or a coat and thinking it’s their dog would have closed that issue and provided a quick laugh. It feels like the writer just thought “But who’s going to think about that?” and moved on. Well, I thought about it Mr. Writer Man, I thought about it. And it just feels lazy. There are other moments that don’t work if you think about them for more than a second. If it went through a few rewrites it could be amazing, as it is, it’s just good. It’s destined to be thought of just as “Oh yeah, I watched that once” and then forgotten again.

Haunted Mansion (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: It’s a Disney movie called Haunted Mansion, don’t pretend you can’t guess that plot.

Disney is a huge company, I don’t think I’m breaking new ground by stating that. But it is an American company, again, I’m not exactly being controversial or shocking by stating that. As such, whilst parts of Disney are known worldwide (the characters, the logos etc), there are a few things that aren’t really iconic outside of the US: primarily things relating to the theme parks. Yes, people know the name “Space Mountain”, but outside of the name, the ride itself isn’t that well known. That’s why making a film based on a ride is always tricky because you’re aiming at a market with little knowledge of the IP you’re basing it on. If it’s something like Pirates Of The Caribbean then you work around it by not really basing it on the ride at all. But Haunted Mansion is one that is known to Americans, they are aware of the music, the visuals, and the story about the ride. So Disney needs to create something that would play to people who know nothing about the ride, whilst also making it worth seeing for people who adore the ride because even something as small as using the wrong shade of blue will make fans furious, Disney fans be crazy yo.

So, does this work? I think it does. I am a huge fan of child horror; that’s “horror aimed at children”, not “horror starring children”, so more “Casper the Friendly Ghost” than “Minipops” (which whilst not a horror, is very creepy and disturbing). I think PG horror is a great way to get kids into the horror. If you ask horror fans about their first experience of the genre, a large portion of them would choose something like Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, Goosebumps etc. Haunted Mansion does a good job as something that will unlock the door for future horror fans; it has some well-crafted spooky moments (I wouldn’t really count them as “scares”) and set pieces that will live long in the memory. It’s helped by the fact it’s directed by Justin Simien, who gave the world the cult horror Bad Hair. He knows how to craft a genuine scare, and tones it down so that he can provide chills to kids (a bit like an ice cream man).

But what if you’re one of the 100% of people who read these reviews but aren’t a child? It’s going to be harder for you to like it. There’s a lot to appreciate in it, for sure. I don’t think LaKeith Stanfield has a reputation worthy of his talent. I genuinely believe he’s one of the best all-rounders the industry has; a face that suits magazine covers, the perfect voice for audiobooks, plus the ability to deliver an incredibly powerful monologue that will bring you to tears. He’s the ace in Haunted Mansions hole (phwoar). Don’t get me wrong, the other performers are fine, Rosario Dawson rarely gives a weak performance, Danny DeVito is always a pleasure to see (in a film, when he appears on the end of your bed at 2am clutching a bloody ice pick? Not so much), and Chase W Dillon gives a performance beyond his years. But everyone else is acting like they’re in a Disney movie, all overly expressive and aimed towards a mass audience. That’s fine, that’s really all you need in a film like this. But Stanfield? He performs like he’s in an Oscar-bait drama. The characters are all really well-written by the way. Although I’m still not exactly sure what Owen Wilson’s character brought to the film. But the rest? They mostly act in an intelligent manner. They don’t ignore obvious signs of hauntings, when they see evidence of ghosts they leave the house immediately.

The music? It should be better. I can’t remember any songs from this. I know a song played at the end, but I can’t recall it. I still get a song from Goosebumps 2 stuck in my head, so it’s not a memory problem; it’s an effectiveness problem.

So in summary? Wait until it inevitably comes on Disney Plus, which will probably be near Halloween. Would make sense, a film like this is made for watching after/before you go trick or treating. It’s not made for watching in the middle of summer, and I’m not really sure why they released it now, and why they gave it almost zero advertising. I know for a fact I’m going to check it out when it’s on Disney, but that’s mainly to figure if it actually did have two title cards at the start or whether my brain is inventing one of them.