Five Nights At Freddy’s (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Mike (Josh Hutcherson) gets a job as a night security guard at an abandoned family entertainment centre with animals are that animatronic, sociopathic, hydromatic, why they’re greased lightning! Wait, not greased lightning, murderers, I’m always getting those two mixed up.

Should start this review of Five Nights At Freddy’s (FNAF, pronounced Fon-arf) pointing out that I really don’t give a shit about youtube culture. I watch Dead Meat and History Buffs etc, but the whole “hey guys, it’s your boy here” bullshit accompanied by atrocious camera cuts, overacting reactions to everything like “So I was playing Mario and OMG you guys, OMG you guys, I found a coin”. As such, I’m not really a part of what seemed to be a huge selling point for this movie; that it featured popular YouTubers. It is based on a famous franchise, but when I had conversations with the intended target audience the things they mentioned were the potential cameos. I’m glad that they didn’t cast them as main characters, but the fact that cameos are the main features of a film is a bad sign.

I’ll admit, I’m not that familiar with the franchise, but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve seen some comments about the negative review FNAF has got, basically saying “A lot of the negative reviews are from people who haven’t played the games”. Well, yeah. It has to be good enough to stand up on its own merits, it’s not a sequel, it’s a separate iteration, and the games should be irrelevant. You shouldn’t need to be a fan of the games to enjoy this film.

Thankfully, it’s a pretty easy film to follow, there are no moments where you feel you had to be a fan of the franchise to understand what was going on. There’s no doubt that it would improve things, though. Because there’s still a level of excitement for seeing characters and references on the big screen. I’m assuming that’s why fans of the game like the film anyway, as there’s not really anything else going on. It’s a horror movie without gore, without suspense, and without scares. The performances are good though, mostly. There’s one moment where Josh Hutcherson is a little too OTT and it feels like he’s “acting” rather than being, but when he’s a scared and withdrawn adult haunted by his demons, he nails it. Matthew Lillard is great as always, but his being seemingly cast as a throw-away character almost feels like a spoiler as to who he really is. Piper Rubio outshines all of them though. She’s only 8 years old but never misses a beat, even when she has to express some relatively complex concepts. I haven’t seen a child perform this well since McKenna Grace in Gifted. Her relationship with her brother, and her need for social acceptance, is a core part of the narrative of FNAF. The moments where it dwells on that are the strongest parts of the film (that and the animatronic work which is sublime).

A big issue is that you’re constantly reminded of better films. Willy’s Wonderland explored similar concepts a few years ago, so whilst watching FNAF my brain was like a politician who just voted to criminalise homosexuality, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Willy. I’m not sure if that joke works outside of the UK as I’m not certain “willy” is slang for penis in the US etc, but I’m sure now that I’ve explained the joke, that’s only made it funnier.

Like I said, when it’s not a horror movie, when it’s a family drama dealing with loss, that’s when it’s at its best. The horror aspects just don’t work. Probably because of the rating, it’s incredibly bloodless, with obvious camera cutaways obscuring what you want to see. This would be fine if there was an air of menace, but there’s not. The lack of menace isn’t helped by how it feels too written, there’s no grounding it in reality. I don’t mean in terms of “well this would never happen, robots wouldn’t be that sophisticated”, I mean it in a “these characters only exist in this film”, you don’t get the feeling anything has happened before the film starts. Put it this way; if you lived in a small town and there was a family restaurant that has been abandoned for years, you’d notice wouldn’t you? And if a bunch of kids went missing and the owner of the restaurant was accused, you’d notice, wouldn’t you? And if the owner of that restaurant then got a government job helping unemployed people back to work, that would be a story, wouldn’t it? But the main character has never heard of the restaurant before he starts working there, isn’t aware of children being kidnapped, and didn’t link it to his brothers’ disappearance. He also doesn’t seem to have done anything about the dead bodies that pile up, one of which is in his house and is a woman he’s had an intense legal battle with. But nope, nothing indicating he’s been accused of killing her, no indication about what he did with the body, we didn’t see the aftermath, so there is no aftermath. It’s lazy, and it’s an issue that could be easily dealt with if the screenwriters were paying attention. But who needs rewrites, right?

Killers Of The Flower Moon (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: In 1920’s Oklahoma the Osage people find oil on their land, local rich white people don’t like that, so make plans to marry them to gain access to their wealth, and then kill them off.

Some people are not going to like Killers Of The Flower Moon (KOTFM, pronounced Kot-fom) due to the length. I’ve seen some people online say that the length is necessary due to “every scene is vitally important” but that’s a crock of shit. There’s a way to get this to 3 hours without losing too much important details. I mean, it does have to be said that 200 minutes is a LONG time to spend in cinema, especially when you consider that if you add trailers, travelling etc then you’re looking at over 4 hours for one film.

Despite that, I think this is worth watching. It’s an engrossing viewing experience. Despite the length, not many people left to use the facilities or get food etc. Whilst there is some wasted time, there are not many moments where you can feel like you can turn away. It’s utterly fascinating to see, the visuals are beautiful and the story is one that needs to be told.

The story is another aspect in which some people might not be happy, accusing it of being anti-white because it truthfully shows how the law of the US treated non-whites at the time. But apparently, truth has a liberal bias and studios are only allowed to do historical dramas if it’s beautiful and doesn’t showcase the ugliness of the period.

Representatives of the Osage being murdered before they can appear before Congress? That’s accurate. The fact that Osage people weren’t deemed competent enough to manage finances so many of them married white people so that could access their own money? That’s accurate. Leonardo DiCaprio going out with someone over the age of 25? Okay that’s bending the truth a little bit.

Speaking of DiCaprio, the performances in this are superb throughout. Nobody is settling for a 9/10 performance, even those who only appear in a few scenes like Brendan Fraser or John Lithgow. DiCaprio is going to get a lot of the plaudits, as is DeNiro, which I don’t begrudge. But the real star of this is Lily Gladstone, who gives one of those performances which make you forget she’s not actually that person. Under lesser hands, the role of Mollie would appear either uncaring or too weak, but Gladstone provides her with enough strength and suffering that the character feels layered and real. She does more with facial expressions than some performers could do with a 5-minute monologue. I’m really interested to see where she goes from here, could be something special.

I’m not gonna lie, I went into this thinking it was fictional, or at most just a “based on many truths” thing. The fact that all of it is true is heartbreaking, and not just “this kind of thing happened” truth, it has actual dialogue from the time. I didn’t realise it was a true story until the very end. This is my lazy segue into saying how the ending for this is one of the best I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to explain without giving it away, but it’s incredible. Best of all, it’s not a “only Scorsese could do this” ending. There’s no big budget fight, no technical wizardry which would require years of experience to pull off. It’s something which anybody, from the biggest blockbuster down to a student film, could do, but it’s not something anybody could do well. It’s inventive, playful, and incredibly entertaining. It’s probably going to end up on my favourite moments from 2023. That alone means that this will end up being remembered for years, and deservedly so. There’s usually a gulf between “My opinions” and “Oscar winners”, but I wouldn’t be opposed to this sweeping up awards next year (and if it can do some hoovering and clean the shower too that would be great). Yes, it is a long watch, and it does underexplain some concepts (the Osage not being trusted to handle their own finances explanation goes by VERY quickly for something that explains so much of a character’s motivations), but it’s CINEMA at its best, and I’d much rather something like this than something bland.

Cat Person (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Margot (Emilia Jones) goes on a date with Robert (Nicholas Braun), who then starts to exhibit possessive and sexist behaviour when they start dating.

I was really looking forward to this, it felt like it would be a vitriolic critique of modern misogyny. I was so looking forward to it I caught a preview screening. So it’s with regret that I have to say that I’m slightly disappointed. It’s based on a short story, and watching it play out, that becomes evident. It knows what it wants to say, but doesn’t seem to know how to say it in a cinematically pleasing way. Part of that is due to the reliance on fantasies and dream sequences, moments where Robert is openly hostile and cruel. This seems to have been done to show the paranoia that women go through when they’re with men they don’t know that well, the worries that go through their heads when they’re in a car with a man. The issue with this is that it means that when he is hostile and cruel, it doesn’t seem quite as bad because she imagined worse. It’s like “Well, he only called her a whore via text, not as though he actually choked her like we saw earlier”.

There is one exception to this; the sex scene. Possibly the unsexiest sex scene of the year. It also features a piece of non-reality which I really enjoyed; her having an imaginary conversation with herself as a version of her stands by and observes the sex, asking her why she’s doing that. It’s a great look into her mindset and self-justifications, it clearly defines the boundary between reality and her mind, and it reminded me of both Fleabag and Mouthpiece (darn I love that movie). It’s almost as brilliant as my constant use of the word “and” in the last sentence was annoying. Almost.

It’s in this moment where we see the best of Emilia Jones, who is shockingly the daughter of Aled Jones. Yup, we’re now in a time where the daughter of the singer of Walking In The Air is an actual adult. Her performance in this is good, but the writing of her character lets her down, as does the fact it took me like 15 minutes before I realised she wasn’t Jenna Coleman.

It pains me to say this, but Cat Person kind of left me with the feeling that incels will watch it and it will justify their viewpoints. Much like how Unhinged left me with the feeling it would appeal to the darker vengeful side of humanity, I feel this will help back up the opinions of those who really shouldn’t have their viewpoints backed up. It’s easy to imagine them watching this and blaming Margot for what happened. Or to think there are times when she’s making up problems and acting off that. It doesn’t help that she seems to repeat the actions at the end, making it feel like she hasn’t gone through any character development.

As I said earlier; you can tell it’s based on a short story, there’s just not enough to it to fill the runtime. Characters drop in and out to the point where a lot of them don’t seem like characters, but plot vehicles. The exception to that is Geraldine Viswanathan’s Taylor, who is a delight whenever she’s on screen. To be honest, the little we do see of side characters makes it feel like they’re probably the most interesting characters to explore, instead we only see them when they make a quick plot-relevant detail and then move on never to be seen again.

On the plus side; it is occasionally very funny. And the aforementioned sex scene is incredible in how it gets the characters over. It also has good performances throughout, and it is a story that needs to be told, but it needs to be told better. It tries to be both a tale of sexual politics whilst also being a thriller, but in its rush to be the first, it fumbles to be an effective example of the second. It has good moments, but those moments just aren’t enough to sustain the runtime. If it was a short film, this would be brilliant, in fact, I feel this could be edited down to a fantastic 15 minutes, two hours? It just doesn’t have enough to sustain that. It does make you aware of the thought processes that women go through when dealing with men, so in a way, you can say that it’s effective. It’s just not good to watch.

Saw X (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Bullshit medical charlatans con cancer patients out of their life savings, one of whom is the Jigsaw killer, smart move.

I have a complicated history with the Saw franchise (see my review for Spiral), I have all of them on Blu-ray except for Jigsaw which I have on DVD, I’ve seen 4 of them at the cinema, and I even liveblogged the (at the time) complete franchise a few years ago for Halloween. Yet if you were to ask me what my favourite 50 horror films are, outside of possibly the first one I don’t think any of them would feature. If I was to mention some of my least favourite moments in cinema, and another list of my favourite moments, the Saw franchise would feature a lot more in the first list than the second. It’s a franchise of wasted potential. I’ve insulted them a lot, but if I was asked to write and make a new film in any horror franchise, it would definitely be a Saw one.

Saw X (pronounced how a person from Boston would say “socks”) is probably the best Saw film yet. By which I don’t mean the most enjoyable, or with the best deaths/motives etc. I mean it’s the one that feels the most mature. When it comes to horror movies, people tend to use “mature” as a shortcut for “lots of blood, swearing, and nudity”, but to me, true maturity is in restraint (not restraints, that’s a different kind of mature content). It’s in trusting that the audience is with you, so you don’t need to resort to constant deaths and shock. I know a lot of people watch this specifically for the traps, but for people who are willing to wait and show a little patience, it’s the most rewarding one yet.

Saw X is also helped by how independent it is from the other entries in the franchise. Amanda Young being in it does mean that if you’ve watched the first three then you’d have a better understanding, but I don’t think it’s essential. It provides you with the very basic necessary details so even newcomers won’t be lost. The post-credits scene probably does require some background knowledge, but in a post-credits that’s allowed.

Now onto the bad; the ending is somewhat underwhelming in terms of catharsis. Saw has never decided to not take an opportunity to be cruel to those it feels deserve it (and in the case of Joyce in Saw 3D, those who don’t deserve it), so the fact that we are given one of the most despicable humans in cinema history should mean we are given a hugely satisfying scene, but it never really comes. If anybody deserves to be put through hell it’s some of the characters in this, but we’re denied it for some reason.

It’s also not helped by how utterly pointless it feels. There’s a moment where John Kramers’s life is in danger, yet we’ve seen him die in another film so we know he survives. This entry doesn’t add to the mythos, doesn’t change anything we thought was true etc. It just exists, like it was written without the knowledge of what’s to come. It feels like it’s just plugging in gaps which weren’t there to begin with. It feels more like a cheap comic book that would be released between movies than an actual movie which is a shame. It also has the same problem most of these have had; it feels very insular. You don’t get the feeling that this is a world in the grips of a mysterious serial killer. There are almost no indication that Jigsaw is being hunted by the police, no moments where he has to escape possible prosecution etc.

Really, this whole franchise was f*cked by the decision to kill John Kramer so decisively in the third film, it’s been spinning its wheels since then and it knows it. This brings me to my next point; they don’t really refer to him as Jigsaw that much in this. They do refer to him as Kramer quite a lot, and as someone who has been watching a lot of Seinfeld lately, it’s difficult to get past.

Dumb Money (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A drama comedy about the internet teaming up to take down a Wall Street hedge fund

I was really looking forward to this. It felt like a modern version of The Big Short (well, even more modern), only unlike that, it was a topic I actually knew some stuff about. Partly because The Big Short did such a good job of explaining what shorting means in regards to investments, but also because I remember this all happening, I was reading news and social media to follow it. I couldn’t give a presentation on it, but I could bluff my way through a conversation about it.

I’m lucky I did, because this is near incomprehensible if you don’t know about the events. I hate doing it, but I’m going to mention The Big Short again (and will do a lot throughout this review); I knew more going into Dumb Money than I did going into that, and yet I left Dumb Money knowing less. It’s a complicated situation, and it feels like Dumb Money expects you to be knowledgeable about the subject going in. There’s no effort made to bring you up to speed, resulting in a confusing mess.

The sense of confusion is not helped by the directing. I don’t get how this was made by the same person (Craig Gillespie) as I, Tonya and Cruella. Those two were slick masterpieces of visual storytelling, whereas this feels like it’s trying waaaay too hard. The editing, in particular, feels like a case of “will do for now, tighten it up later”. It is reminiscent of of obnoxious youtubers mixed with dickhead 90’s skateboarders where random things get overlaid with cartoon images and silly faces. In the end it just felt kind of immature, like it knew it wasn’t explaining itself properly so just went “look, random!”

None of this is on the performers; all of whom are great in what they do; it’s just that whenever it feels like they get momentum, the film pulls away and starts showing over people. It either needed to be pared down, or do a much better job of screentime distribution.

It also has an issue with how it relates to the real world. It doesn’t feel like it does. We get news footage of people talking about it, but it feels weirdly isolated from reality, like it takes place in its own bubble away from the rest of the world.

It has its fun moments though, there are some moments of real emotional depth and seriousness. And the moments featuring the real court testimony is nice to see. But it’s not fun enough to be truly enjoyable.

It’s possible I’d like this more if I hadn’t watched The Big Short, but since I have, comparisons between the two are inevitable, and there’s not a single area in which this is preferable. It is a shame, as on it’s own it’s a 5/10, but in a universe where a better version exists; it’s knocked down severely. Everything in it has been done better, and recently. Even the song choices.

A Haunting In Venice (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: (sing to the tune of Eleanor Rigby) Agatha Christie, puts a Poirot in a house where a murder has been, ghosts cause a scene.

I very much enjoyed the Branagh version of Murder On The Orient Express (or MOTOE, pronounced Moe-toe). I wasn’t quite as enamoured by Death On The Nile (or DOTN, pronounced Dot-en) but it had its moments. With both of those I had some sense of expectation going in, I had witnessed the trailers enough times that I had a general idea of what to expect. This? This felt like it was secretly released. This is the blindest I’ve gone into one of these, I was aware of how MOTOE ended and had a general idea about DOTN, but I knew nothing about A Haunting In Venice (AHIV, pronounced A-heev). It’s (loosely) based on Halloween Party, which is not exactly a well-known Christie book. So it would have been useful if the studio bothered to promote it AT ALL to let the audience know what they were in for. I didn’t see a single trailer being played at the cinema and very few posters. There didn’t seem to be any excitement pre-release, it just felt like the studio was saying “Okay it’s out now, deal with it”, treating it with all the pomp and circumstance of a silent fart.

I was really hoping my trepidation was wrong and that this wouldn’t turn out to be as painful as a hole in the head. It’s……..alright. It’s decent enough and doesn’t reach the lowlights of DOTN, but it doesn’t come anywhere close to the highlights of MOTOE. Part of that is because the mystery itself just isn’t as narratively satisfying. It’s not set up well enough, the clues aren’t given in such a way that you could conceivably guess the ending and important points are moved past VERY quickly. It also pulls the “maybe magic, maybe mundane” card too much. It’s explored brilliantly with the séance scene, where Poirot works out how they’re pulling off the tricks. But then later on you have the main villain seemingly killed by a ghost. The fun in a film like this is seeing how it’s done, so when death is reduced to “a ghost did it” it cheapens it somewhat.

The performances are all pretty damn good, but I do wish we got more Yeoh. Branagh continues to shine as the lead and is usually the most captivating presence on screen. Part of that might be because of the strange directorial choices. Branagh doesn’t have much of a background in horror movies, and that much is clear in this. The physical geography of some of the scenes is a bit muddled, and there are some moments where it feels like the characters are reacting to camera movements, which obviously don’t exist in their reality, so really they’re reacting to nothing.

It does have some highlights; the aforementioned séance is a lot of fun to watch unfold. The puppet story about the plague children is hauntingly beautiful, and the ending is nice to watch.

In summary; a spooky detective story that is essentially unessential.

The Creator (2023) Review

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As a war between humanity and AI rages on; grieving widow Joshua (John David Washington) has been tasked with retrieving a weapon which could turn the tide of the war in favour of AI; a weapon which turns out to be a small child.

I’m gonna say this now; The Creator is probably the best movie I’ve seen all year. It’s not my favourite (at the moment Missing still occupies that spot). I really can’t see it being beaten, I haven’t seen a film this good since EEAAO back in May 2022. It’s difficult to explain just how incredible this is. Like all great films, it leaves you asking questions. Questions about the future of humanity, questions about yourself, questions about your country. There’s also another question it forces you to ask:

How the hell is this possible?

Take a quick look at the trailer (hurry back though). That was done on a $80million budget. For reference; that’s the same as the budget for the Michael Jordan Shoe-opic Air. I don’t know how Gareth Edwards managed it but I can only assume witchcraft. It looks incredible, absolutely astounding. There are zero moments where it doesn’t look real (although there is one moment where the geography of the scene could be improved to help clarify things). Considering the amount of effects etc. that must be needed for this to work; that truly is a testament to the talent of Edwards and his team.

Edwards has done a great job in giving The Creator its style. It’s like a Vietnam War movie mixed with Blade Runner and made by Steven Spielberg. Even that description is underselling it. There is nothing else like this out there at the moment, and that’s both a shame and a good thing. I would like to see more films made like this, but I can’t see how anybody can do this better. The performances are perfect throughout; I still think the general public is sleeping on John David Washington; which is a weird thing to say about someone who was the lead in a Nolan movie. But it doesn’t feel like his name gets brought up when people discuss great actors, and it really should. When people bring up who’s going to be the lead in a new franchise, John David Washington should be among the first names on many lists. The supporting cast do their job too; Allison Janey manages a character which shows a bit more depth than she’s usually allowed, Gemma Chan maximises her screen-time perfectly, Ken Watanabe does what he usually does and is great at it, and Ralph Ineson more than holds his own amongst them. Madeleine Yuna Voyles is tremendous given her young age, especially considering how much of the humour and emotion is based on her performance.

The music is comprised of some odd choices, and it is missing that ONE song that you will associate with it. The soundtrack is really standing on the shoulders of the giants of Platoon and Full Metal Jacket, so a lot of the choices feel like tributes to other films rather than truly unique choices. The Hans Zimmer score is pretty damn good, but won’t be something that will stick in your head like the visuals will.

The script itself is probably the weakest part. I mean, it’s still VERY good but there are a few really important plot points that are glossed over quite quickly, one in particular should be a complete game changer for motivations but is not really mentioned or referenced again.

Overall, I was impressed with this. I realised very early on that I was going to rate this highly; the opening scene is one of the best scenes in terms of establishing the film universe that I’ve seen in a long time. It g goes from what I assume is real news footage to film-produced news seamlessly and quickly establishes everything you need to know. I watched this two days ago as a secret preview screening at the cinema, and I’m already tempted to go watch it again. If there’s any justice; this will be one of the biggest films of the year, it deserves nothing less.

Past Lives (2023) Review

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Quick synopsis: Childhood sweethearts are torn apart then reunite decades down the line and wonder what could have been in this powerful story from Celine Song

Past Lives is divisive. You will either be entranced by it’s beauty, or bored senseless. It requires you to be an active watcher. Usually, when I say this it’s because it’s so intricate that if you turn away you risk missing important plot points (as is the case for They Cloned Tyrone, spoilers for a future review). But with this, there are not really important plot points to miss out on. You can watch 1 minute every half hour and figure out what’s happened, character motivations etc. So why do you need to be an active watcher? Because you need to be in a position to let it overwhelm you. You can’t go in half-arsed, you need to be fully immersed for it to work. You can’t watch it whilst looking at your watch, talking to someone, or wondering what you’re going to make for dinner, if you did that it would break the immersion. I think that’s why it’s going to do better with reviewers than audiences; I can see casual movie-going audiences tuning out and not really being entranced by the ethereal beauty contained within. And this is a beautiful watch. I’ve seen films described as rollercoasters, or in some cases a car-crash, this is more like lazily drifting down a river in the arms of a loved one; the soft rocking and gentle noises lulling you into a sense of serenity (not the Firefly movie).

It is really hard to talk about this because it’s something that feels like it hypnotises you whilst you watch it, which makes it hard to judge once you’re no longer in the moment. I’m not sure how well it would stand up if you watch it on a normal screen in daylight rather than in a darkened cinema. Whilst you’re watching, you will enjoy it. But you will be aware of its flaws; there are a few times when it repeats itself and lingers slightly too long after it’s made the point and the mood has been set. The shots are beautiful in their simplicity. There’s no “wow, that’s a stunning shot”, but every shot feels carefully chosen not so much to tell the story, but to set the mood. The choices made were all about setting the atmosphere, and it’s hard to find better choices they could have made. To be honest, it somehow felt like it wasn’t a film, but was a story we were witnessing play out in front of us. We aren’t an audience, we’re a witness, sitting in the room with them observing what’s happening. This lends the whole thing a sense of intimacy. Everything feels human and full of love.

The sense of humanity and love is enhanced by the performers. Teo Yoo and Greta Lee share an undeniable chemistry. To the point where a scene of just the two of them sitting somewhat near each other is rife with romantic tension. Individually they’re great too; Teo Yoo has leading man energy, and Greta Lee will be something special in the near future; she has genuine Best Actress energy.

I felt genuine love for Past Lives, its themes, the central romance was believable and you wanted them to be together, the emotion behind it etc. But will it be among my favourite films of the year? Possibly. It will be up there, but won’t be first on the list. I get the feeling that in the future Nora Song may make what I consider to be one of my favourite films of all time.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023) Review

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Quick Synopsis; Turtles fight a mutant fly that is also made of horses.

I’m going to start this with my personal history of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or TMNT, pronounced Temment). I am very aware of it, I had the toys growing up, I played some of the video games etc. It’s one of the franchises I remember from my childhood.

But I can’t actually remember anything from it. I don’t remember actually sitting down and watching any episodes. I can’t remember buying or asking for the toys/video games. I can’t even remember which turtle is which. I have to mention that whilst there are certain people in UK politics complaining about not being allowed to be racist any more because of “cancel culture” and blaming millennials and some fictional “liberal-controlled media” conglomerate that is all controlled by some rich person with a hook nose who secretly controls all the world and “no this isn’t anti-Semitic why would you think that?”, TMNT was actually censored by the Conservative government back in the day. They were really paranoid about ninjas so banned not only depictions of them but also any displays of nunchucks as they were too dangerous. I mean, nunchucks are really hard to use so really the person most at risk from physical harm is the idiot kid who picks up nunchucks and thinks he can use them. As such, this franchise was referred to as Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in the UK. Weirdly, they were still allowed to use swords, because it would be much harder for kids to find a sharp sword-like object than it would two heavy objects tied together with a heavy chain-like material. I don’t really have a point to this, I just like to point it out because it was f*cking stupid.

Now onto Mutant Mayhem specifically. It’s actually surprisingly good. This is the first time I can remember that the turtles actually feel like teenagers who have spent their entire life away from humans. They’re awkward, they’re goofy, and they make pop culture references. On the one hand, it means they seem better written than almost any other iteration of the characters, but on the other hand, the constant pop culture references can get a bit grating and bring to mind the awful Friedberg and Seltzer parody movies. Some changes to the background will annoy some fans, some of which I would understand, but if you’re annoyed that April is not white then you’re an idiot, and if you’re annoyed that she’s not fuckable enough any more then you need your hard drive checked as she’s underage you creepy bastards. Another downside is there’s no Krang or Shredder, but they can also be used in the sequel (which this film deserves).

Mutant Mayhem does mostly work though, the voice cast is great, and really helped by casting actual teenagers and having them record their dialogue in the same room. The first thing that will come to mind though is the animation. It looks stunning, whilst some animation is designed to recreate real life, this seems more focused on looking like a series of hand-drawn sketches come to life. It’s unique, it’s visually striking, and it has a slight anarchic energy to it.

The script is better than it had to be. It’s a kid’s film, so laziness could be excused (but not forgiven). It’s a wonderful tale of discrimination, but it shows us it coming from Splinter too. We see how his prejudice against humans has been shaped, and ultimately how it’s ended. It’s a wonderfully deep look at a difficult situation for kids to grasp. It’s also really funny, but not afraid to show emotion. The highlights are the action sequences though, some incredibly creative fight scenes which flow together beautifully like a violent ballet. There’s also some surprisingly disgusting body horror.

So in summary, possibly the best kids film of the year; and there are actually some strong contenders it’s fighting against to claim that crown.

Barbie (2023) Review

On By troubledproductionsIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Quick synopsis: Do you really need me to say it? I mean, odds are you’ve already seen this so….

This film is big. That much is obvious by now. It’s the highest-grossing film by a female director, has reached $1billion dollars quicker than any other Warner Bros property (and that includes the Harry Potter films), and is now their highest-grossing film ever. It’s also the highest-grossing film of the year, beating The Super Mario Bros. Movie. This pleases me. The Super Mario Bros. Movie (or TSMBM for short, pronounced Tisembum) was good, it was very funny in parts. But it didn’t strike me as something that deserved to hold records. This does. It is, as one of my friends put it “everything”. It’s incredibly smart, it’s funny, has a killer soundtrack, great look, and memorable music, essentially it has almost everything you want in a film.

I suppose I have to add a bit more to this don’t I? Balls.

There was a lot of trepidation when this was announced. Audiences were worried it was going to be another soulless cash grab, completely devoid of originality or anything worthwhile. Then the first trailer was released, and people started to come around to the fact that there’s a possibility that it’s actually going to be batshit insane. I can confirm, it is. But not in a “weird for the sake of weird” way, or even in a “confusing” way. More in a “this feels like a child wrote it”, it makes narrative leaps that seem weird, but they do have a logic to them.

Margot Robbie is perfect for playing Barbie. It’s weird though; she’s the lead, the title character, but she is slightly overshadowed by both Ryan Babygoose’s Ken and America Ferrera’s Gloria. It could be argued that it’s more about the narrative arc of Ken than it is about Barbie, and it’s hard to disagree that he’s given more characterisation as the film goes on. He also has the best musical moment with I’m Just Ken. Gloria wasn’t given much attention in the marketing, but she provides a lot of what makes Barbie more than you’d think it would be. Because she’s a human character she’s given more dimensions to work with, whilst also working as the audience surrogate.

In terms of look? It looks unique. It’s made to look like the whole thing takes place in a toy universe. Some ways are obvious, but then there are other ways which are a bit more subtle; the way everything is scaled slightly incorrectly etc. Greta Gerwig did a fantastic job with the look of this, making it look so fake and plastic that ironically it looks real.

Now onto the bad; there are a lot of performers who feel underutilized. Will Ferrell’s character for example could be taken out of the script and it would require only minimal adjustments to fill the narrative hole left. The Ruth Handler moment could also be played a lot better, as it is it kind of feels like a “we’ll do this now, but think of something better later” script idea. It could maybe go a bit more traditional in the third act, where it seems like it’s throwing everything against the wall, most of which works, but some don’t. It did feature my own personal highlight; Gloria’s monologue about modern femininity which she uses to break the brainwashed Barbies out of their spell. It encapsulates the best of what Barbie achieves; it’s the kind of dialogue which can only be written by a writer who is either a woman or is paying a lot of attention. It’s important, but also doesn’t feel overly preachy.

I mean, some people were still annoyed by it, describing it as “anti-men”, but those people were looking to hate it anyway. I saw some commentators saying that the beginning of the film was pro-abortion because it features children throwing away dolls of babies. Anybody with intelligence would have recognised it as a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey, but then again people who add lies about how “they then all screamed Kill All Babies” aren’t exactly overflowing with intelligence. There have also been people who claim that Barbie visiting a gynaecologist at the end is a pro-abortion message; because obviously that’s all gynaecologists do. F*cking idiots.

I mentioned the opening; it does a really good job of explaining WHY Barbie matters. Make no mistake; she does matter. She’s had a huge influence on life, to the point where it’s not crazy to say that there is a little bit of Barbie in all of us; and not just because of the microplastics we ingest on a daily basis that are slowly killing us.

Nope, I’m not ending with that. I’m ending it with the biggest downside of this film. Because it was so successful, studios obviously will want to recreate the success. Will they do that by giving critically acclaimed indie directors a big budget and creative freedom? Or by getting scriptwriters to focus on delivering intelligent, subversive scripts? Or will they do it by just making films based on toys, no matter the quality?

It’s the last one.

Fuck.