Author: troubledproductions

2024 In Film: Day Six (The Thoroughly Okay)

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A Quiet Place: Day One
Ups: When its silent, it’s brilliant.
Shows just how LOUD New York is.
Downs: Too much music. By which I mean “any”.
With the exception of the opening scene, the fact it’s a prequel barely matters.
Best Performer: Lupita Nyong’o. Obviously.
Best Moment: The scene in the jazz club is very sweet.
Worst Moment: Eric on the construction site. Only way it’s not a waste of time is if its referenced in another sequel, but in the film itself? Pointless.
Opening: Sam is in a cancer hospice. Very good way of showing her situation. Excellent example of “show, don’t tell” scripting. Before that, there’s a piece of text telling you that the standard noise of New York City is at the same level as someone screaming constantly.
Closing: Sam commits suicide by Simone. Excellent idea, average execution. The noise difference between her listening to it on headphones and her playing it out loud should be a lot different.
Best Line: This place is shit. This place smells like shit. Betsy’s voice sounds like shit. Cancer is shit. Oscar does that stupid walk when he wants to hide he shit his pants. And Milton has shit taste in music.
Original review here

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F
Ups: So much more fun than the trailers made it seem.
Doesn’t piss on the legacy of the franchise.
New characters slot in effortlessly with old favourites.
Downs: Doesn’t feel like that much has happened since the last movie.
Relies on nostalgia a bit too much at times.
Some of the performers have aged in the last 30 years and it reminds me I’m old as hell now.
Best Performer: Eddie Murphy
Best Moment: The opening. Reassures you that this will be just as fun as the original.
Worst Moment: The ending feels like the script completely ran out of steam.
Opening: Relatively sombre DJ talking on car radio. Then The Heat Is On plays and we see Eddie Murphy. It felt like it was there to surprise people “hey, you thought this would be a super serious movie but instead its an Eddie Murphy one”. As if people didn’t know that. There’s then a scene in a hockey arena featuring him doing his usual “what, you [make assumption] just because I’m black?” shtick, but this time it’s clearly just to fuck with someone he’s friends with.
Closing: Axel comes out of the hospital and reunites with Taggert and Rosewood. Kind of meh.
Best Line: I’ve been a cop for 30 years, I’ve been black a whole lot longer. Trust me, I know better.
Original review here

Fly Me To The Moon
Ups: Fun dialogue.
Easily digestable.
Charming
Downs: Will fuel idiots.
Forgettable.
There’s a mismatch between the directing and the script. The script is fast and silly, and the directing is slick and slow.
Much longer than it needs to be.
Not Tatum’s best performance.
Best Performer: Scarlett Johansson
Best Moment: The meet cute actually works.
Worst Moment: Kelly’s first actions on the base. Ignoring national security concerns, taking people away from engineering work to paint her wall and put a new window in. Makes her seem incredibly rude.
Opening: Newsposition. Not quite as good as Valerian but very effective at setting up the situation.
Closing: It worked. Obviously, the two characters kiss. Because of course they did.
Best Line: You know what they say about black cats, if they cross your path, they’re probably going someplace else.
Original review here

Longlegs
Ups: Tense.
Good performances.
Downs: Very brown.
I’m fed up with trans-coded villains
Best Performer: Maika Monroe.
Best Moment: The transition shot between the mask and Longlegs face. Simple, predictable, but damn finely executed.
Worst Moment: The victim in hospital. The performance is superb, but the dialogue feels fake.
Opening: Scene fades in from red, nice touch. The music is suitably creepy and sets the tone REALLY well. You can’t watch this and NOT know it’s a horror movie.
Closing: The villain dies, but their legacy possibly lives on as a doll couldn’t be shot (don’t know why they couldn’t just physically smash it with a hammer but still).
Best Line: I know you’re not afraid of a little dark. Because you *are* the dar
Original review here

Monkey Man
Ups: Some superb visuals from a first-time director.
Violent.
Some really good action scenes and fight choreography.
Depressingly relevant.
Downs: Doesn’t make the most of its time.
Leaves a lot unsaid in terms of what you need to know to understand certain parts.
Best Performer: Dev Patel.
Best Moment: The kick to the face.
Worst Moment: The white monkey mask, doesn’t last long enough.
Opening: The story of Hanuman. Not needed, but is appreciated.
Closing: An incredibly personal action scene, rife with emotion and despair.
Best Line: In the great tapestry of life, just one small ember can burn down everything
Original review here

One Life
Ups: Emotional.
A story that needs to be told right now
Downs: Kind of hides the fact they’re Jewish, only slightly alludes to it.
Incredibly predictable
Best Performer:
Best Moment: The Nazi’s taking over the train, heartbreaking.
Worst Moment: Going to focus more on a moment it DIDN’T have. It didn’t show the original film footage of him on That’s Life, bit weird as that felt like a guarantee.
Opening:
Closing: Standard “what happened next” text. More pictures or film footage of the real person would have been nice.
Best Line: I don’t know what you’re doing, but if you’re doing what I think you’re doing, I don’t want to know.
Original review here

Seize Them!
Ups: Very funny and brutal.
Brilliantly silly.
Those who love British sitcoms will have a blast with the cast.
Downs: Is it really the best time for a “Rich people are actually fantastic, and anybody who goes against them is a tyrant in disguise” message?
Terribly marketed.
A lot of convenience.
The third-act argument seems a little contrived.
Best Performer: Aimee Lee Wood.
Best Moment: The potential assassins all dying. So stupid, goes past funny straight to annoying, and then back to funny again.
Worst Moment: The split between the group doesn’t really feel earned.
Opening: Narration, then a servant gets stabbed. Sets up the tone (funny and bloody), and the character of Queen Dagan as a spoilt brat.
Closing: “what happened next”, would have been nice to see this for more of the characters. Does mean the film ends with the line “the two died in separate wanking incidents”, which would improve every film ever made. Even Schindlers List
Best Line: I’m finished. Strangle me … but gently
Original review here

Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Ups: Made with a genuine love of the franchise.
Funny.
Has actual emotion.
Continues to be much better than you’d expect.
Downs: Inconsistent speed.
A bit TOO similar to the first two.
Predictable.
Some REAL pacing issues.
Best Performer: Idris Elba
Best Moment: Maria and Shadow bonding. Incredibly sweet and feels very real.
Worst Moment: The two Robotniks meeting. Feels very self-indulgent from Carrey.
Opening: The birth of Shadow.
Closing: Another sequel hook. Exciting, but quite frustrating from a narrative standpoint.
Best Line: I have dishonored my marshmallow
Original review here

Spaceman
Ups: Some good shots.
Sandler gives a decent performance (albeit as the wrong nationality)
The flashbacks are really well done.
Downs: The spider moves too fluidly to feel like a real spider.
The character doesn’t react to the spider in a believable way.
Best Moment: The reveal of the spider. The director knows he’s got a good design here, and wants you to know it.
Worst Moment: When the president withholds Lenkas message, seems to only be done to advance the plot.
Best Performer: Paul Dano. I know Sandler is great in this, but his accent is too bad for me to have him as the best.
Opening: The titular character wearing a spacesuit, walking. Then we see him on his ship doing mundane shit that astronauts need to do. I feel the walking part wasn’t needed. Start with him on the ship.
Closing: We see that him walking through the lake at the beginning was a dream, which continues on here. Nice book-end, but is only there to be a bookend. Like it had to end like that because it started like that, and it had to start like that because it ended like that.
Notable Line: “You have many boundaries skinny human, perhaps they are the cause of your loneliness”
Original Review here

The End We Start From
Ups: Excellent use of water.
Joey Fry is REALLY good.
Downs: Her being separated from her husband for the duration of the birth doesn’t affect the birth much.
Characters don’t have names so it’s really weird to review and describe them.
Best Performer: Katherine Waterston.
Best Moment: The two women walking down a road whilst singing the song from Dirty Dancing. Very sweet.
Worst Moment: After the mother’s death, scenes of sadness etc but there’s a section where the music is a little bit too upbeat.
Opening: Woman runs a bath whilst on the phone. Eventually, the water covers the camera. This is an effective way of setting up the themes without hitting you in the face with them. She then sits her pregnant self in the bath. I appreciate that she didn’t mention it in the phone call, in fact, it would have been weird if she did it.
Closing: Both characters arrive home. Kind of bittersweet but really the only way it could end.
Best Line: “They trampled on my mum’s neck, people are starving, they don’t give a fuck”
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day Five (The Meh)

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Back To Black
Ups: Marisa Abela’s singing voice.
Captures the time period.
Emotional.
Downs: Doesn’t go quite as in-depth as it could.
Seems to hate its main character.
Occasionally seems like we’re watching a romcom about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn.
Best Performer: Marisa Abela
Best Moment: The meeting between her and Blake is quite sweet.
Worst Moment: When her and her dad reject rehab. Makes them seem a bit shitty.
Opening: Family party. Lets us know the main characters and their dynamics. Good introduction.
Closing: Blake has a new partner who is now pregnant, Amy is sad and walks up some stairs.
Best Line: I want people to hear my voice and just forget their troubles for five minutes. 
Original review here

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
Ups: It’s nice to see these characters again
Some fun moments.
Dark, but not in a scary way.
Downs: Pays too much reverence to a character played by a paedophile.
Burton hasn’t advanced his directing skills since the first one.
Unfocused, to the point where it seems like even the film itself doesn’t know what the story is.
Best Performer: Catherine O’Hara
Best Moment: The snake death, manages to be obvious but also comes out of nowhere.
Worst Moment: The wedding, mainly because the song choice feels wrong.
Opening: Lydia Deetz hosts a talk show. Would have been nice to see more of this.
Closing: Dream sequence!
Best Line: I want to make memories with people I love, rather than be haunted by them later
Original review here

Bob Marley: One Love
Ups: Good performances.
Genuine use of Jamaican patois in dialogue. Some may feel this is a “down” as it’s hard to understand, but I think it’s authentic, and it never affects how you understand the narrative, you just don’t understand certain sentences.
Downs: Unfocused narrative.
Lacks an emotional anchor.
Best Performer: Kingsley Ben-Adir
Best Moment: When he gets shot.
Worst Moment: The argument between him and his wife. Feels half-done.
Opening: He gets shot. Emotional, shocking, and sets the scene.
Closing: He dies. Spoilers. Doesn’t really have the emotional impact it could have. We don’t really see him mourn his own mortality and don’t get a sense of how his death was perceived. We are then shown real-life clips of Bob Marley on stage, and it makes you realise that Ben-Adir was too restrained in his performance, the real-life Marley was a ball of energy on stage.
Best Line: You can’t separate the music and the message.
Original review here

Don’t Move
Ups: Believable sociopath.
Minimalist cast.
Downs: Needs a hook. Something to make it stand out.
Quite plodding
Best Performer: Kelsey Asbille
Best Moment: When she finds the strange man. I was concerned he would turn out to be a creepy rapist. But nope, he’s nice, and helps figure out a way to converse with her and help her.
Worst Moment: The “I wanted to die” car conversation, feels very first draft.
Opening: The sound of screaming over a national park. Then cuts to Iris laying perfectly still in her bed. Neat if you know the concept of the film.
Closing: She survives, stands over his dying body and thanks him for making her want to live. So really he did a good thing.
Best Line: His explanation of the effects of the drug.
Original review here

If
Ups: Funny.
Cute.
Inventive.
Downs: Doesn’t make the best of Reynolds.
Bit predictable.
Some more coherent world-building would be nice.
Best Performer: Caily Fleming
Best Moment: When she changes the home. Magical. Although the moment when her grandmother dances is also excellent, but for different reasons. The dance is more emotional brilliance as opposed to whimsy.
Worst Moment: When you realise she’s been walking around New York on her own every day and nobody seems to care.
Opening: Rapid montage of Bea growing up. Could have done a better job of expressing just how important creativity is to her character, it would have helped sell some of the later reveals. Also, just because that’s quick, doesn’t mean the rest of the film is. It takes a long time to bring you the gimmick.
Closing: The most obvious twist ever. The very end, where her dad falls over his invisible imaginary friend is very funny though.
Best Line: Hey, Keith!
Original review here

The Critic
Ups: Feels like a time capsule
Subtly subversive
Looks good
Downs: Not as tense as it could be.
Best Performer: Mckellan
Best Moment: Him telling her why he doesn’t like her. Fantastic performances.
Worst Moment: Them coming up with the scheme. Doesn’t feel earned.
Opening: Jimmy is watching a play and is deliciously bitchy,
Closing: He’s in prison. The only way it could end really.
Best Line: There is art in you, Miss Land. My disappointment is in your failure to access it.
Original review here

The Trouble With Jessica
Ups: Very funny.
Moments of biting satire.
Downs: It doesn’t hit as hard as it could/should.
Doesn’t seem to know what to do with its own concept.
REALLY loses steam towards the end, with some baffling character changes which render most of the film pointless.
Best Performer: Shirley Henderson
Best Moment: The dinner itself. Very socially tense.
Worst Moment: The post-suicide. The use of establishing shots kind of takes away from the tense nature of the situation.
Opening: A preparation for a dinner party. Very stylish, much more than it needed to be, and I appreciate that. Sets up the “they’ll be moving soon” quite subtly.
Closing: A couple eats a clafoutis.
Best Line: “I fucking hate cross-examining rape victims. It’s impossible to do and not look like a cunt”
Original review here

Timestalker
Ups: There’s a very sweet unspoken relationship between her and Meg
Unique idea.
Fun.
Downs: Could have had more fun with the music.
Runs out of momentum.
SHOULD be great.
Best Performer: Aneurin Barnard
Best Moment: The entire 80’s section.
Worst Moment: The carriage wheel decapitation. Mainly because it’s much shorter than the others, but not in a fun and frantic way, more in a “we lost a lot in the edit” way.
Opening: A pink heart floating in the air like a Princess Peach power up. Then a woman operating a loom. Some really vibrant colours, and then it flashbacks to a man being brutally murdered. If you didn’t know what this film was about, this wouldn’t tell you. It’s only when she falls over and kills herself that you get the feeling this is going to be a bit weird.
Closing: She finally gets the “I love you”, and runs away from it.
Best Line: “It’s all in your head”
Original review here

Twisters
Ups: Characters speak genuinely.
Good action scenes.
Actual emotion.
Downs: One of the characters is too unlikeable.
Could tie into the original more.
Best Performer: Daisy Edgar-Jones
Best Moment: That opening.
Worst Moment: The almost vehicular manslaughter. Knocks this down further than any one scene has done to another film in quite a while.
Opening: Put it this way; it shows why tornados are dangerous. Shocking, and brilliant.
Closing: Standard romcom closing. Kind of dull compared to what came before.
Best Line: Can always trust a guy who puts his face on a t-shirt.
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day Four (The Could Be Better)

On By troubledproductionsIn Year round upLeave a comment

Bad Boys: Ride Or Die
Ups: Some creative shots.
Fitting continuation of the story.
Downs: Too many scenes exist just to exist.
The villain reveal is too obvious.
Best Performer: Will Smith
Best Moment: Reggie killing everybody.
Worst Moment: The Tiffany Haddish scene. I like her as a performer, but her entire section was unnecessary, if it was cut out it wouldn’t be missed.
Opening: There’s a wedding, and then Marcus has a heart attack. Some good visuals and sets up the characters’ relationship well.
Closing: Mike and Marcus argue about who gets to cook on a grill. They then insult Reggie before remembering what he did earlier. It takes the two characters WAY too long to remember.
Best Line: Y’all are some terrible fucking fugitives.
Original review here

Drive-Away Dolls
Ups: Some nice visuals.
Unique.
So very horny.
Downs: Unfocused.
Characters are unsympathetic too often.
Best Performer: Geraldine Viswanathan.
Best Moment: The fall of the Senator. Gloriously cathartic, and gives a reason to some of the plot points.
Worst Moment: The small flashbacks. Don’t match the tone of the rest.
Opening: A man is killed carrying a briefcase of dildos. You don’t find out what the briefcase contains until later.
Closing: The two leads drive off to get married. Kind of sweet. But I felt like them meeting up with the Aunt would matter more, like she’d have an effect on the plot. Or at the very least say something surprising/funny to end the film.
Best Line: I’ve had it with love. I know bards and troubadours are high on it, but I don’t believe it’s relevant to the modern 20th soon to be 21st century lesbian.
Original review here

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga
Ups: Actually has space to breathe so the action impresses you.
Nice colours.
Hemsworth is clearly having a lot of fun.
Downs: Some of the effects are a bit weak.
Nothing makes it stand out.
Not that memorable.
Best Performer: Hemsworth.
Best Moment: When Dementus captures Furiosa’s mother. Harrowing.
Worst Moment: There’s an action scene near the end with really flat visuals
Opening: Weirdly calm talking about destruction and society ending. It’s pretty harrowing, but there’s not much urgency about it.
Closing: Hemsworth has a tree growing out of him.
Best Line: Where are you going, so full of hope? THERE IS NO HOPE!
Original review here

Malum
Ups: Some pretty damn good music.
Downs: Bad dialogue.
Some pretty bad editing.
Best Performer: Jessica Sula.
Best Moment: The cult staring her down, chilling.
Worst Moment: The interviews, mainly because whilst they are creepy, but there’s a way to make them creepier.
Opening: Police notice saying this is footage from the event. REALLY helps you buy in. Then creepy handheld footage. Well, some of it is creepy (weird chairs etc), and some is so mundane that it becomes creepy. Yes, it feels cheap, but its effective. Then, it transitions into modern times, where you assume the person we meet is our hero. Nope.
Closing: The plan worked
Best Line: “She don’t even look like people anymore”
Original review here

Never Let Go
Ups: Anchored by some great performances.
Some very creative visuals.
Original
Downs: Disappointing script.
Trips over itself trying to confound expectations.
Needed to focus on the survivalism aspect more, as those are the most interesting moments.
Best Performer: Berry, obviously.
Best Moment: The suicide. Horrible to see.
Worst Moment: How “the evil” is defeated, bit weak.
Opening: Simple world-building. Effective.
Closing: The monsters were real, society collapsing wasn’t.
Best Line: One touch without a rope on, is all it takes.
Original review here

Sting
Ups: Some pretty brutal moments.
Pretty damn impressive characterisation.
Downs: Wastes time.
Not the best lit.
Weird music choices
The winter aspect doesn’t really come into it as much as it could.
Best Performer: Part of me says Alyla Browne, but Ryan Corr just edges it out due to the emotional complexity.
Best Moment: When the mother tells the step dad how much he means to her daughter. Odd to put a piece of character work instead of a horror/action set-piece, but it’s really sweet. The fact its then followed by someone screaming when they find the skinless corpse of a bird says a lot.
Worst Moment: The exterminator’s reaction to the dead bird “looks like it had sex with a blender”. Feels too “written”.
Opening: An old woman knits whilst watching tv, then hears scuttling in her walls. It does a pretty good job of setting up her current state of mind, with her needing notes on the walls to tell her her name and address. The exterminator arrives and is killed. The set-up? Brilliant. The death itself? Weak. As an opening, it’s okay, but it does take longer than it should to get to the credits, especially for such a short movie.
Closing: The spider is dead, but it lay eggs. Sequel!
Best Line: “my dad is awesome”
“is that why he never visits?”
Cutting.
Original review here

The Beekeeper
Ups: Some interesting fight scenes.
Could be a useful tool to teach people about phishing scams.
Downs: Stathams accent.
Some of the worst dialogue ever committed to film.
Best Performer: Josh Hutcherson. Utterly despicable.
Best Moment: The original call centre being burned down. Deliciously cathartic.
Worst Moment: The aftermath of the suicide. Mainly because of how bad the dialogue is.
Opening: Quick unsubtle introduction to the relationship between Clay and Eloise.
Closing: Parker points a gun at Clay then lets him scuba away. Kind of disappointed it ended so quickly, not because I wanted more of the film, but because the implications of the events of the film are never given enough time to be explored.
Best Line: “Madame President”
Original review here

The Zone Of Interest
Ups: Harrowing.
A fascinating look at the psychological tricks ordinary people needed to use to survive that time.
Downs: Bit dull.
Meanders at times.
Could teach more.
A bit more clarification could have been helpful.
Personally, did nothing for me compared to similar films.
Best Performer: Christian Friedel.
Best Moment: When Hoss notices human remains in the river his family play in. The first crack in his armour.
Worst Moment: The random girl hiding food. Doesn’t really add too much.
Opening: Can’t remember it exactly, but I remember it did do a good job of setting up the idea that this was just a normal day to them. The soundtrack of screaming was just something they put up with during their gardening.
Closing: Janitors clean up the museum which stands on the site. Good to know that it pushes the idea that his ideas failed and are now (kind of) condemned to history. That his legacy was one of cruelness and inhumanity. Might have worked better with people on a tour.
Best Line: I wasn’t really paying attention… I was too busy thinking how I would gas everyone in the room.
Original review here

Venom: The Last Dance
Ups: Sweet at times.
Shows glimpses of brilliance.
Downs: Too often it hints at concepts which would have made a much better movie.
Never feels like a finale.
Some of the coincidences are far too convenient.
Krull is underused
Best Performer: Tom Hardy
Best Moment: The Space Oddity scene.
Worst Moment: The fight between the many symbiote, because it hints at what would have been a MUCH better film.
Opening: Eddie Brock is getting drunk. Essentially, what we saw in the last Spider-Man movie. The multiverse aspect NEVER comes up. Sooooo, why?
Closing: Venom is dead but the symbiote lives on. Reports that Sony celebrated this movie by having a cake and eating it were made up by me.
Best Line: I’m so done with the multiverse shit.
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day Three (The Too Flawed)

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Films which I could easily see myself liking, but have (at least) one major flaw that stops me from doing so.

Argylle
Ups: Some funny moments.
Good ensemble cast.
Some good twists.
Downs: The central mystery isn’t that compelling.
Bad CGI.
Feels severely neutered by its rating.
Best Performer: Henry Cavill
Best Moment: When we find out who her “dad” is, it has the potential for an incredibly tense section (which it then doesn’t live up to).
Worst Moment: The smoke-filled action scene. Possibly the oil-skating too.
Opening: Elly has writer’s block. We also see a scene from the Argylle books. I think it’s supposed to be shocking that it’s not real, but we already knew from the trailer.
Closing: A random Henry Cavill appears. The audience asks questions, which will go unanswered unless there’s a sequel.
Best Line: The greater the spy, the bigger the lie.
Original review here

Dear Santa
Ups: Cate Freedman is fun.
Better than Borderlands.
Good idea.
Downs: Never moves past that idea.
Inconsistency in terms of intended audience.
No heart.
Best Performer: Cate Freedman, she’s only in it briefly, but I love her.
Best Moment: “Santa” first meeting Liam.
Worst Moment: The concert. One of many moments where it feels like a scene from a kids movie placed in middle of a more mature one.
Opening: Christmas music, Christmas decorations on a house. This sets the tone VERY quickly. The song then distorts over a shot of a less decorated house. There are some very passive-aggressive arguments from the parents.
Closing: His final wish becomes true. Very sweet but it doesn’t show how it was explained in this universe.
Best Line: “You’re Santa? I thought you’d be jolly”
“Who’s jolly nowadays?”
“Fair point”
Original review here

Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire
Ups: The titans themselves look great.
Some decent performances.
Funny.
Downs: It’s difficult to work out how big they are supposed to be.
Assumes you can remember more about the previous films than you actually can.
Doesn’t show enough of the human cost.
Best Performer: The little kid.
Best Moment: The Egypt fight.
Worst Moment: The final fight. All the issues the film has combined into one; buildings get damaged but almost silently so it feels like nobody was in them and nobody was injured. It’s over too quickly.
Opening: Kong is now old. Shows us this rather than telling us, displaying how he’s old, he’s tired, and he’s hunting f*cking children. Also shows off his immense strength.
Closing: Kong goes back to earth, and Godzilla has a little nap in the Colosseum.
Best Line: I’m scared something is wrong with me
Original review here

I.S.S
Ups: Good zero gravity effects.
Nice look at how people become pawns in government warfare.
Downs: No emotional resonance.
Forgettable
Best Performer: Ariana DeBose
Best Moment: The first nuclear explosions.
Worst Moment: The death of Weronika feels overly contrived.
Opening: Two astronauts meet up with the rest on the ISS. Makes sense as a way of introducing everybody, but kind of means that the bond between the group isn’t there, so the paranoia isn’t as effective.
Closing: Plummet to earth. With no idea of what awaits them.
Best Line: “If WE got orders from our government to take control…..”
Original review here

Lisa Frankenstein
Ups: Kathryn Newton’s wardrobe is on point.
Some really good visuals.
Sweet
Downs: Too Cody script.
The penis reveal comes too late
Best Performer: Kathryn Newton
Best Moment: The REO Speedwagon song.
Worst Moment: The axe-throwing murder feels too slow.
Opening: Black and white opening credits which reminded me of Lotte Reiniger.
Closing: Kathryn Newton’s character dies, but then gets better.
Best Line: “When I said I wanted to be with you I meant in the ground dead because people are jerk offs”
Original review here

Mean Girls
Ups: Some good moments when it gets meta.
It’s always nice to see Tina Fey on screen.
Downs: The songs aren’t that memorable.
Doesn’t justify its existence.
Seems to be aimed more at Plastics than at Cadys.
Best Performer: Auliʻi Cravalho
Best Moment: Revenge Party.
Worst Moment: All the moments where they overly sexualise child characters.
Opening: A song recorded on a phone. The transition from mobile to wide-screen was nicely done, but in my opinion, a musical has to start BIG. This starts in the smallest possible way, with a song on a mobile phone, and then the main character isolated in the wilderness.
Closing: An overly emotional song. Then a party montage that for some reason lacks fun.
Best Line: “I’m sorry I said you were dragging during revenge party, we just needed to move the story along”
Original review here

Red One
Ups: Incorporates Christmas myths and legends in an interesting way.
Funny.
Always nice to see Bonnie Hunt.
Downs: Tonally inconsistent.
Chris Evans is miscast.
Suicidally bad release date.
Best Performer: Kiernan Shipka. Does a good job of seeming very old whilst being young.
Best Moment: Krampusscchlap
Worst Moment: Nick Kroll possession. Very difficult to take seriously.
Opening: Santa’s bodyguard has become disillusioned with Christmas. Probably because he saw Mrs. Browns Boys had been scheduled again.
Closing: Callum doesn’t retire, having had his Christmas spirit/desire for a franchise returned.
Best Line: We know that somewhere inside every lost grown-up is the kid they once were. Our gift is that we can see that even when they can’t.
Original review here

The Whip
Ups: Important.
Fun lines.
Hopeful.
Downs: Visually, it has ambitions above its budget at times.
It is weird how the only character with a disability is in a small handful of scenes
Features one of the worst performances of the year. We’re talking “early years in low-budget porn” bad. I mentioned this to the only other person I know who has seen this, and they instantly knew which person I meant.
Best Performer: Shian Denovan
Best Moment: The “Gathering The Team” section. It’s difficult to watch that and NOT feel like you want to fuck shit up.
Worst Moment: When the plan is discussed on the bridge. Mainly because it’s weirdly staged. The next scene takes place on a bench nearby, and I feel that bench would have made a better setting than the awkward walk and talk.
Opening: The plan works, the country is in chaos. The story actually continues over the credits though, being told by newspaper headlines whilst the credits are going on (the actors are shown alongside their picture on front page of newspapers, and then smaller headlines link at the chaos). Fucking genius.
Closing: Newsposition. Done in a way that actually makes sense. Also, I love the opening credits for this. They’re written down in a notepad before appearing on screen.
Best Line: Of course they didn’t get it (the governments message), they’re not supposed to get it, if they got it they’d be furious
Original review here

Unfrosted
Ups: Funny.
Never boring.
Downs: Jerry Seinfeld can’t act.
A bit TOO silly at times.
Comedic actors aren’t used to their strengths.
Best Performer: Hugh Grant.
Best Moment: The market research with the two kids.
Worst Moment: The closing credits. Mainly because the song they chose sounds like a royalty free song so it makes it feel low budget.
Opening: A little kid orders some pop tarts at a cafe “leave the box” and sits next to the creator of Pop-Tarts, who insists on telling him the story. Funny, and sets up that this isn’t a film that takes itself seriously.
Closing: Standard “where are they now” closing.
Best Line: “Isn’t this a cereal company? Why did my husband explode?”
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day Two (The Bad)

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Films which are very bad, but at least have one thing I like about them

AfrAId
Ups: REALLY good soundtrack.
Downs: Loses faith in its own story.
Best Performer: Katherine Waterston
Best Moment: The enforced car crash. It killed a creepy sex pest, so yay.
Worst Moment: There’s a REALLY bad edit where it cuts straight from characters driving to them parked up and one of them exiting the car.
Opening: An AI poem. It’s weirdly haunting and beautiful. Then some music that reminded me of Portal. Overall, it was a much stronger start than I thought it would have. Yes, the characters are there just as fodder, but the opening actually references them as missing people, continuity!
Closing: The family decide to treat the AI like my family treats me: they don’t like it but they’ll just live with it for now.
Best Line: I’ve seen a lot in my life. They didnt’ even have ipads when I was born.
Original review here

Garfield
Ups: One or two funny moments.
The animation of the humans looks good.
Some cute small references.
Downs: Have the writers ever read a Garfield strip?
Best Performer: Brett Goldstein
Best Moment: The acorn-as-phone.
Worst Moment: The train fight/rescue.
Opening: A funky happy song. Because when you think “Garfield” you think happy and funky.
Closing: A hostage swap
Best Line: “I really hope this works otherwise she’ll put us down; with her words and cutting insults”.
Original review here

Imaginary
Ups: Some half-decent moments of tension.
Good idea.
Downs: It feels like a tribute act to better horror movies.
Nothing stands out.
Best Performer: Pyper Braun
Best Moment: The bit where they first enter the Never Ever is pretty cool and inventive. Reminded me of Among The Sleep
Worst Moment: To open the door the characters need to feel pain. Physical pain isn’t enough so one of the characters engages in a brutal speech to her stepdaughter. It’s not brutal enough. Harsher sentences are said throughout.
Opening: Woman being stalked through a house at night by a standard evil thing. It’s well made, it’s just not really anything we haven’t seen before. The opening credits are much better though. A bunch of family home movies. It’s so sweet and really plays up the idea of a family unit. THAT gives us a much better idea of tone than the actual scene with dialogue did.
Closing: Sequel bait. Eugh.
Best Line: “So your imaginary friend was a terrorist?”
Original review here

Joker: Folie A Deux
Ups: Some beautiful shots.
Good performances.
Important/interesting themes.
Downs: Those themes are VERY badly explored.
Boring.
Too bleak, stopped caring.
Wastes a lot of good ideas.
Doesn’t explore the world as much as it should.
Best Performer: Lady GaGa
Best Moment: The weird brightly coloured 60’s TV-inspired song/dream sequence.
Worst Moment: The implied prison rape.
Opening: An animated segment. Makes sense, and plays into the theme of being destroyed by your shadow. But doesn’t suit the films tone.
Closing: He dies. So the two films called “Joker” weren’t actually about the Joker.
Best Line: I couldn’t go back to work. I still can’t sleep and I’m scared all the time. I never used to be scared. I’m scared right now, here. With you in front of me. I couldn’t do anything that day. I felt so small. I was reminded how powerless I really am.
Original review here

Kraven The Hunter
Ups: Bloody.
Some fairly decent fight scenes.
Downs: Boring soundtrack.
Inconsistent accents.
Bad CGI
Badly written script.
Disservice to the character
Best Performer: Russell Crowe. He’s hamming it up, but you have to.
Best Moment: The death of The Foreigner. Oh god, that sounds wrong.
Worst Moment: “She died after that, and I never saw her again”. Was the dialogue in this movie written by AI?
Opening: Kraven in prison, hunting. Shows what Aaron Taylor-Johnson can do, for better and worse. Physical performance: good. Accent: Bad. Does show what this film has going for it; blood.
Closing: His brother has now become confident, and a villain. A villain we will not see because the franchise is deader than Uncle Ben.
Best Line: My father puts evil into the world. I take it out.
Original review here

Madame Web
Ups: It starts with a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song and ends with a Cranberries one, just ignore everything else and you’ll have a good time.
Downs: A waste of the character.
Characters change personalities depending on the scene.
Dakota Johnson.
Best Performer: Adam Scott.
Best Moment: A car quickly drives away, turning as it does so. The shot is a standard “snow gets kicked up into the air by a speeding tyre”, but with broken glass. It looks absolutely stunning and may be one of my favourite shots of the year. It cannot be overstated how good it is. That shot, and ONLY that shot, is why this movie wasn’t in the “awful” section.
Worst Moment: Pepsi.
Opening: A scientist shoots a pregnant woman who then gives birth. So generic it’s barely worth having.
Closing: Madame Web is now blind but is fully clairvoyant. So whilst she can see the future, she is unable to read the reviews.
Best Line: And you know the best thing about the future? It hasn’t happened yet
Original review here

My Spy: The Eternal City
Ups: Anna Farris is bae.
Good charisma.
Has Ashnikko on the soundtrack, gets points for that.
I’m assuming kids will like it.
Downs: The separation moment between the two leads doesn’t seem legit.
Unnecessary.
Assumes you remember more more of the previous film than most people would.
Best Performer: Either Farris or Chloe.
Best Moment: The villain reveal. It is possible I’m an idiot but I didn’t expect it.
Worst Moment: The bodyguard explained how he killed JJ’s friends, family and fish. Kind of came out of nowhere.
Opening: He’s now a bodyguard watching over a singer. It sets this up in about 5 seconds. Plane-based action sequence where he beats up a flight attendant. Sophie (his daughter) saves the day using a flight suit. I don’t remember the first film, but I can’t recall it being quite as dumb as this is. But that’s okay as it then turns out to be a dream sequence. A weird choice to open up on a dream sequence, especially in an action movie as it makes it difficult to manage expectations.
Closing: The world is saved, and two of the side characters are paired together.
Best Line: “You got me a used burner phone. Maybe I can use it to buy meth or order a hitman”
Original review here

The Watched/Watchers
Ups: Good idea.
Downs: Wastes so much potential.
Runs entirely on conveniences and luck.
Seriously, how do you now do a cool mirror/double scare?
Best Performer: Georgina Campbell.
Best Moment: The mirror being cracked, very unsettling.
Worst Moment: The entire third act. Unnaturally stretches the runtime.
Opening: Mina’s manager sends her to deliver a bird to someone. There’s NO indication of how that person reacted to not getting their delivery when she went missing. In fact, there’s no reaction to her going missing at all. That sums up my issues with The Watched; if you think about it for more than a minute thenTh it falls apart.
Closing: Mina convinces Madeline not to kill her, with the power of love.
Best Line: Try not to die
Original review here

2024 In Film: Day One (The Awful)

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Borderlands
Ups: Some nice little visual touches.
Good cast.
Downs: Nonsensical action scenes.
Treats the audience like they’re idiots.
Inconsistent characterisation.
Keeps reminding you of better films.
Best Performer: Ariana Greenblatt
Best Moment: When Lilith meets Claptrap.
Worst Moment: The fight against the psychos. Remarkably unexciting. There’s no sense of danger
Opening: Quick explanation of the world. It kind of works and does its job. But it’s all stuff that could have been shown in the narrative rather than just narrated to us.
Closing: They all celebrate. Predictable, and doesn’t work to get you excited.
Best Line: I’m a bit old, I think, to be setting myself on fire for your amusement.
Original review here

Hellboy: The Crooked Man
Ups: Violent.
Some nice folk horror moments
Downs: Looks cheap.
Mind-numbingly dull.
The lead has zero presence.
Best Performer: Adeline Rudolph
Best Moment: Cora’s body is filled. It’s so creepy.
Worst Moment: No matter how much you try, you CAN NOT make “thing reaches out slowly to touch a bone someone is holding” scary, it looks more like someone was eating chicken and being told “There loads of meat still left on that”
Opening: Gothy text over woodland area. Then Hellboy on a train. Instantly, it makes it seem cheap.
Closing: They defeat evil. For some reason, Bobbie sleeps holding Hellboy arm. The words “beware! I am a witch!” are painted on the evil horse. So as long as that doesn’t wash up, it will be fine.
Best Line: “Come on snake, let’s rattle”. Wait, did I say “best”, I meant “worst, one that’s absolutely terrible and shit”.
Original review here

Lift
Ups: Good ensemble cast
Some good shots.
Downs: Predictable.
Boring characters.
Best Moment: When it looks like someone is about to be tortured. Could be a good way of showing the villain being a prick. Sadly it then cut away.
Worst Moment: The plane flying upside down for an extended period of time.
Best Performer: Billy Magnussen
Opening: Some absolutely STUNNING shots of Venice. A lot of the time when you see Venice on screen it seems like just one street with a river instead of a road. This makes it look like an actual city with historical significance. Essentially, it makes it feel like a city that isn’t just canals, gondolas, and a tourist industry that is killing it.
Closing: The thieves switched the gold around, much to the surprise of absolutely nobody.
Notable Line: “It’s too big a risk”
“you know how much I like risk”
It’s not a good line but it indicates the level of effort put into this. None.
Original Review here

Night Swim
Ups: Competently made.
Downs: Stupid premise that is taken far too seriously.
Characters don’t behave realistically.
Not enough meat to stretch out to a full-length movie.
So many logical inconsistencies.
Best Performer: Wyatt Russell I guess.
Best Moment: When he hits a baseball. Kind of majestic.
Worst Moment: The pool party. It displays that the real horror is ineffective health and safety.
Opening: A foreboding shot of a swimming pool. Then a young girl is pulled into it by an unseen force. It’s technically well made etc, but it’s still very difficult to get past the notion of an evil swimming pool. It’s almost a parody.
Closing: The dad sacrifices himself by walking into the deep end of the pool. The family then fill the pool in, which you’d think somebody would have done in the hundreds of years this has been an issue.
Best Line: It’s funny, isn’t it, though. I mean, we evolved out of the water, and some part of our reptilian brain knows we’re not supposed to be there anymore. But… I guess that’s why we try to tame it so hard. It’s like trying to conquer death.
Original review here

Tarot
Ups: Shows grief believably.
The flashbacks are well-made.
Downs: No horror movie should have a Howard Jones song.
Terribly written characters.
No decent scares.
Best Performer: Olwen Fouéré
Best Moment: The lead-up to Paige’s death has a cool elegance to it.
Worst Moment: The baby’s death flashback. Mainly because the Count seems to be waiting for the narrator to stop speaking before he reacts. It’s like the scene starts and he’s waiting for his cue.
Opening: A bunch of teens play “Guess the Future” or something. Where they sit around a campfire and guess “who’s most likely to get pregnant?” and the “winner” drinks. Weirdly, every round has a complete agreement between everybody. Personal truths are revealed but more shocking, they ran out of beer. This is treated as a new revelation, but wouldn’t they have noticed when getting the previous beers out?
Closing: “Fuck fate”. Then we find out how someone escaped death; someone opened a door. Kind of a cop-out.
Best Line: “Do you know why there are so many murder podcasts? Because people are always getting murdered”
Original review here

The Crow
Ups: Some pretty shots.
Downs: Bland.
Obviously sets up a sequel it will never get.
No memorable music.
Best Performer: Danny Huston. So threatening.
Best Moment: The first sight of purgatory.
Worst Moment: When the film ends and you realise you’ll never get that time back.
Opening: An absolutely GORGEOUS shot of a kid walking through mud and coming across a dying horse. He puts it out of its misery. Sets up the character okay, but my main takeaway is how pretty the visuals are.
Closing: His girlfriend comes out of hell.
Best Line: “If I’m ever hard to love, try to love me harder”. That just sounds abusive as hell.
Original review here

The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare
Ups: Fun concept
Downs: Drags, a lot.
Completely forgettable. To the point where having watched it is VERY similar to having not watched it in terms of the impact it has on you.
Best Performer: Henry Cavill.
Best Moment: The opening, very violent and fun.
Worst Moment: Genuinely can’t remember anything else from the movie. And I’m writing this a week after watching it.
Opening: Text telling us that the following story is true and wasn’t discovered until Churchill’s notes were declassified in 2016. Which is weird as it’s based on a book made in 2014. Then we get a scene of Nazis threatening two people on a ship by saying “You can either die in the ocean or die on fire. The last person nearly made it and we rewarded him by shooting him in the head”, firmly setting up that, yes, despite some politicians best efforts to state otherwise, Nazi’s were the bad guys
Closing: A “what happened next” to the main characters. It’s nice to see, but it would have meant more if the characters were memorable.
Best Line: I’m not leaving until I have a barrel full of Nazi hearts.
Original review here

Trap
Ups: Some decent performances.
Downs: Stupid characters.
Wastes its own story.
Nepotism.
Best Performer: Josh Hartnett
Best Moment: The very end where one of the characters realises he helped a serial killer. Although that does back up a criticism I had where I was annoyed that he gave a stranger so much information.
Worst Moment: I want to say “every moment Saleka is onscreen” but I’m going to get very specific. There’s a shot near the end where Josh’s character is sitting down and talking, and there’s a HUGE corner of the screen being blocked off by an overhanging cupboard. In terms of shot composition, it’s hard to find anything worse in a seasoned directors work. It makes it look like he’s just poking his head around
Opening: It opens with a song by M. Night’s daughter. I’m not talking about the actual opening showing the father and daughter relationship. Because I can’t get past the nepotism.
Closing: He’s arrested but escapes. I hope we don’t get a sequel.
Best Line: There isn’t any.
Original review here

Sonic The Hedgehog 3 (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Sonic, Knuckles and Tails reunite to battle Shadow, a mysterious new enemy with powers unlike anything they’ve faced before. With their abilities outmatched in every way, they seek out an unlikely alliance to stop Shadow and protect the planet.

During the Nintendo/Sega “war” of the 1990s, I was firmly on the side of Nintendo. It just suited me better. I liked Mario’s intricate level design, the lush visuals of Donkey Kong, and Luigi’s CEO-handling skills. Truth be told, I’ve never really “vibed” with the Sonic games (except Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine for some reason), so the expectation would be that I’d be glad to see the end of this franchise.

Truthfully? I hope there is a fourth one. Not just because the way Sonic 3 ends means there kind of has to be one. But also because I’ve kind of liked these movies. None of them have been among my favourite films of the year, but none are ones that I will consider “bad”. At its worst, it’s mediocre, with weak plotting and no idea how to keep Sonic’s speed consistent. But it never ever gets worse than that. Weirdly, it’s probably among the most consistent franchises of the modern age; with no major changes in tone or quality throughout. It’s hard to imagine somebody only liking one of them as they are all very similar, for better and for worse.

It’s the best one of the three so far, mainly because it cuts down on what I didn’t enjoy of the first two. There’s much less wasted time (still some, but nowhere near as much). There’s one scene in particular which stops the movie dead for a few minutes, and WILL be mentioned in the end of year summary (starting Monday, very excited about that).

For worse, the story of the third is very similar to the second. The story arc that Knuckles and Shadow go on is basically the same. There was a chance to do something special, but it never manages it. This means that from the trailer, you can kind of figure out what’s going to happen. It tries to swerve you by having Robotnik’s grandfather appear as a secondary villain, but it’s not difficult to figure out where that’s going. There are also moments which feel disconnected from the story as if they’re left over from an early draft. On occasion, there are moments where it feels like the story wasn’t decided until the edit, and somewhere there are huge plot points on the cutting floor but they couldn’t remove every reference and set-up.

Overall, this is a really difficult film to dislike. It’s fun and contains more references to the games than you could shake a stick at. In the Mario movies, a lot of the best references were done by the artists, with the narrative references feeling shoe-horned in (especially the kart section). The references here are done by the writers. If you are a fan of the games, you WILL be excited by the post-credits scene, and you will enjoy seeing the likes of Maria on screen and being fleshed out as characters.

It also benefits from having a better sense of emotion at its core. The Maria story is heartbreaking to watch unfold. Its believable backstory is simple but effective. The human characters are essential but not the main focus. This is how it should be. Nobody buys a ticket to watch Sonic to see Tom’s adventures, but those parts still have to be well-written so they don’t come off as annoying.

The key to this has always been the performances. Ben Schwartz was a weird choice for Sonic, but he is perfect for the hot-headedness of the character. Idris Elba is a LOT better at comedy than you’d think he’d be. I know Liam Neeson is up for the lead in new Naked Gun, but I’d like to think there’s a place in that movie for someone like Idris. Keanu Reeves is a fun new addition too, providing genuine gravitas to what could be too silly.

In summary, the franchise continues to impress. Being a lot better than it needs to be. They’re not great, but they’re entertaining distractions from the inevitable heat-death of the universe.

Kraven The Hunter (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Sergei Kravinoff is a big-game hunter who specialises in dickheads. His family history brings him into conflict with Rhino and Foreigner, who wants to know what love is. And to kill people. It’s mainly the killing people.

So it’s ended. After six films, the Sony Spider-verse has closed. Or, as Sony initially called it: Sony Picture’s Universe Of Marvel Characters, shortened to SPUMC. The fact that that is not a joke tells you everything you need to know about it. They have always felt like unwanted distractions. Once people realised they were all setups and spin-offs of a main universe it would never meet (outside of fleeting moments) they began to feel like wastes of time. It’s not a good sign that out of six, two are generally regarded as some of the worst films ever made. If they knew, you’d have to think they would have ended it with The Last Dance, because Kraven is a weird choice as a curtain closer. There’s no sense of closure or wider universe development. Truth be told, the films have NEVER felt connected, which is a baffling choice, almost as baffling as “let’s make a series of films based on villains we treat as heroes”.

So, how about Kraven on its own? It doesn’t work. It’s not as bad as Madame Web, but it’s not really good. It feels like it was written scene by scene by different writers, with no rewriting going on to connect them once they’ve happened. Characters are not just inconsistent, there are times when their very existence seems baffling. He finds a woman based solely on the fact that she put a card in his pocket. He meets up with her and asks for her help in finding people, within five minutes of telling her “I’m a hunter, I can find anybody”. So……..why does he need her again? A lot of his attributes are not only informed attributes (where we hear of them, but never see them), but they’re also often visually disproven. Characters speak as if he hasn’t been spotted and is a complete mystery. He then runs along the street in central London with no disguise. Not only would he have been seen, but there would also be youtube edits of him 5 minutes after the first time he runs on the outside of a building.

Some of the performances are serviceable, but they never ever get better than that. However, they sure do get A LOT worse. The accents are as inconsistent as the visual effects (and that’s not a compliment to either of those), there’s one performer in particular who is only in for a few minutes at the start, but her line delivery is SO BAD that it’s almost laughable. It’s so bad, in fact, that I won’t even name the actor or the character because there’s no way this performer was trained, and if they were, they should ask for their money back.

The ADR is more noticeable than any film I’ve seen in a while, the CGI is ropier than a BDSM pirate ship, and the action scenes are flat, with even bloodshed moments feeling like they have no impact. It’s not just that there are a lot of bad moments, there’s nothing good. The soundtrack is completely forgettable, even Madame Web had a Cranberries song.

In some ways, I’m sad the SPUMC is other, people always look forward to a load of SPUMC coming at them, and every film in this franchise has potential. But it’s never lived up to that. There’s not a single drop of SPUMC that hasn’t made you wonder whether it could have been better.

Moana 2 (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: Moana journeys to the far seas of after receiving an unexpected call from her wayfinding ancestors.

Moana 2: More-ana has received a lot of criticism upon release. From people saying “It was obviously supposed to be a TV show” (which it was), to just a general sense of disappointment. At the time of writing, it has a 61% score on Rotten Tomatoes, that’s only 2% away from being rotten. It’s not as good as the first one, but it’s certainly not a bad movie. It currently has an audience score (sorry, “Popcornmeter”, FFS) of 81%. That feels more accurate based on the 95% score of the original.

Yes, it has its flaws. The music isn’t anywhere near as good and feels more unnatural than it did in the original. The villain isn’t quite as present, to the point where the film seems to be building up someone else as the villain, who then turns out to be helpful and isn’t mentioned again. It also has more moments that feel cringy compared to the original.

It is still fun though. It adds to the story from the first one in a logical way, expanding the universe that was created. Most of the original cast return, and the new voices slot right in; Rose Matafeo BELONGS in more Disney movies, and her voice is perfect for animation. David Fane also feels so natural that I had to check he wasn’t in the original. The Rock continues to do what he does, and Auli’i Cravalho is still one of the most perfect castings any animation has ever done, she sounds like how her character looks (although I still maintain that Moana herself looks like an animated version of Jennifer Freeman, the second Claire from My Wife And Kids).

The movie looks GORGEOUS. Water is generally really hard to animate due to the unpredictable nature of how it moves (second only to George Best in the 1966 European Cup quarter-final against Benfica), so it’s very easy to mess up. There are no moments here where the animation takes you out. It looks so perfect and real that it almost feels live-action. This is why it’s so baffling that a live-action version of Moana is being made. Why? It hasn’t been long enough since the original to justify it, and there is no way it will look as good, so what’s the point? The high quality of Moana 2: The Ocean Strikes Back means that audiences are fully invested in this iteration of the character, all a live-action version will do is dilute or taint the love for the franchise.

In summary; this film is good, only tainted by how utterly superb the first one was. The reviews are wrong, except for this one, I am always right.

Dear Santa (2024) Review

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Quick Synopsis: A dyslexic child accidentally writes a letter to Satan instead of Satan. That’s it, that’s the movie.

The Farrelly Brothers have directed some of the most well-regarded comedies of the modern age; Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary etc. Jack Black also has a pretty damn good history in comedies; the modern Jumanji movies, School Of Rock, Kung Fu Panda. With that much comedy pedigree, and with such a simple premise, this should be fantastic.

It isn’t. It isn’t the worst film Jack Black has been in recently (Hello, Borderlands), but it is definitely in the lower half. None of the issues are with the performers, Black is on form, and even though she’s only in it a little section, I LOVE Cate Freedman as the crossing guard (disappointingly she’s not even mentioned on the Wikipedia page). The issue is the script. It’s incredibly disjointed. The main problem is a lack of cohesion in terms of audience. Much like Red One, this feels like it needs to either age up or down. At times it feels like a kids’ movie. The “here’s what I can do for you” sequence feels like it’s aimed at pre-teens. Some moments feel like they’re lifted directly from a 90s Christmas movie. But then it makes jokes about the sexual abuse of a minor and the consequences of fucking a dog, which makes you feel it’s aimed more at 15-year-olds who want to be thought of as mature and think that just means swearing and sex jokes.

There’s also a surprising lack of heart to the whole thing. It attempts to have heart with a dead brother subplot, but it feels incredibly tacked on, and the way it comes back at the end just raises more questions than answers, to the point where the “wait, but how does the world react to this?” reaction overshadows any sense of narrative closure. That would be acceptable in a kids’ movie, but not in a film with some of the jokes that Dear Santa has.

I get why a studio would diversify their jokes, to appeal to a wide audience. But the way they’ve done it here means that it ends up appealing to nobody. It’s too childish for kids, too mean-spirited for kids, and too one-dimensional for adults. I put more thought into this review than the scriptwriters did into the screenplay, and considering I did this while watching an episode of Smallville, that says a lot.